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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christian MIL taking DC to Christian toddler group - I was unaware

507 replies

AtheistMama · 06/04/2022 15:12

Name change for this one.

My MIL does childcare once a week for DS aged 3, for which I am grateful for - they have a great relationship, and obviously it saves us money on nursery fees.

My MIL is a lovely women, not a bad bone in her body. She is also devoutly Christian, belonging to an evangelical church. DH was brought up as an evangelical Christian, but is an atheist and slowly detached himself from their church in his young adulthood. There is no animosity from his mother and the wider family about this (who are mostly also evangelical Christians).

DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5, but I have never really talked to MIL about my religious beliefs because she is quite sensitive/easily upset and I didn't want to offend her. The status quo has just been that it is obvious to all that DH and I are not Christian and it's been left at that.

My understanding of DH's families beliefs is that they think everyone who is not baptised is going to Hell; they also do not approve of homosexuality or gay marriage, sex before marriage, etc. I am an atheist and do not subscribe to these beliefs. In particular, the idea that they believe that I am going to Hell bothers me when I think about it. In general, I am anti-organised religion and was never going to bring DS up in any religious way.

MIL takes DS to a toddler's group at her church every week, but I was under the impression that it was open to the whole community and therefore not Christian (I think this came from DH not my MIL). I looked up the group today (was wondering about the timings for a seperate reason), and clocked that they have a Bible story every week.

I'm feeling a bit annoyed because if I had known about the Bible story bit when it was first suggested that she take him (years ago), I would have gently asked her to pick another activity. But now he's been going for a few years, he loves it and it's part of their routine. She would probably be upset by being asked to stop going (and probably it didn't occur to her that I wouldn't be happy about it).

However, I feel really uncomfortable about the Bible story, and annoyed that she didn't say anything at the start. Needless to say, DS has never mentioned it, so it's possible that he's running around the hall and not even listening to it.

DH tends to skirt around issues with his DM that might be upsetting because he thinks she's quite delicate and feels protective about her.

AIBU to bring it up with her now?

OP posts:
woodhill · 06/04/2022 18:59

@twentythreehundred

C of E is Christianity😀, jus a different denomination *@woodhill if you are a fundamentalist evangelical Christian, then CofE would not* be considered Christianity. To fundamentalists, CofE would be another group of liberal people who have been deceived by the secular world or deceived by the devil and they would still be going to hell. They would not be considered "Christians"
Bit of a shame, I don't really know anyone with that attitude tbh
MulberryBush700 · 06/04/2022 18:59

I really wouldn't worry about this. Going to a church toddler group will not make your child a devout Christian. It's just another activity at the end of the day.
I'm not a church goer but I actually think it's important to expose children to religion within reason and to some extent, so that they have a basic understanding of it.

twentythreehundred · 06/04/2022 19:00

[quote Thesefeetaremadeforwalking]@twentythreehundred

' I very well may be wrong about that. I thought I read that statement many years ago in the God Delusion - as quoted by Giles Fraser from CofE. But I may be wrong.'

I don't know anything about Giles Fraser ( I believe he is a C of E vicar) but 'The God Delusion' was written by an atheist called Richard Dawkins.[/quote]
Sorry, I was unclear, yes, the book (not a very good one) was written by Dawkins who quoted Fraser in the book. The only thing I remember from reading the book was Fraser's comment (Fraser quoted by Dawkins in the book) was that a belief in God wasn't necessary for Christianity (or a similar sentiment)

Geezabreak82 · 06/04/2022 19:01

I grew up in a very religious family with similar beliefs to what you’ve outlined your MIL holds. I left the church when I left home to go to university at 18. Both my kids went to church affiliated toddler groups with my mum and hear bible stories stories when they are at my parents house. I don’t mind the bible stories - as I see it they are part of our culture as well as being religious (the basis of Xmas, Easter, the Good Samaritan etc). However I’ve made it clear that I won’t tolerate my children being taught homosexuality is wrong or that people of religions other than Christianity go to hell and my parents respect this. Now my kids are older they don’t go to church or church groups because I don’t trust that they won’t be exposed to negative views there. They occasionally come home from school or grandparents with questions about god or religion and we answer them honestly in a way that encourages them to think critically and come to their own conclusions. Could your oh have a chat with your mum?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 06/04/2022 19:01

@twentythreehundred

I have a close friend who is a CofE clerical person (I don't know what she does but she wears a black robe thing)

Various people in C of E wear a 'black robe thing'. If you are that close maybe find out what her job is?

I've never spoken to her about her religious views.

Maybe you should?

Just a suggestion.

Mummy2C · 06/04/2022 19:02

I wouldn't worry about them listening to Bible stories. They will hear religious stories at school too in RE lessons and assemblies etc. You can't hide them from them unless you home school.

Mommabear20 · 06/04/2022 19:03

What exactly are you worried about? That your sons going to come home one week reciting scripture? I'm devoutly atheist but I'm thrilled for my DC to learn about other peoples religions/ beliefs/ cultures! How can we expect them to live and let live if they're ignorant to others?

greenmeansNogo · 06/04/2022 19:05

I'm not religious and go to a similar group, they do one religious story book and one classic book at the end. We sing nursery rhymes too. At one point they did the Lord's Prayer, but since covid, they don't give out biscuits so there's no thank you to god, but no one really joined in anyway. Totally goes over the kids heads, especially once a week. I think the church likes serving the community and hopes one day they will gain a few more church goers.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 06/04/2022 19:07

@Philisophigal

You are going to get Bible stories at school. At some stage you will have to explain the origins of why DC gets easier eggs and Xmas presents. "Christians believe that..." DC will learn about numerous faiths during their time in school, everyone has to. RE is compulsory until year 9. No one goes out to convert toddlers, it would be a wasted effort. Why you'd be concerned that they think you are going to hell is beyond me. Most faiths will thunk non believers won't get the perks of the religion. If you don't believe who cares what they think? If DC enjoys going, let her go.
School RE is different, because what is taught as fact is that Christians/Hindus/Muslims/Jews etc believe .... (whatever applies to that religion); nothing within those beliefs is taught as fact, whereas presumably the Bible stories are read as if they are true, with no suggestion that they could not be.
ldontWanna · 06/04/2022 19:08

@twentythreehundred she might not. She might nod along but have her own beliefs. She might be the "hate the sin,not the sinner " type. She might actively be against the guidance and be one of the people that works to change it/speaks about it.She might be a genuinely nice person with beliefs (not hate) that are different to yours. She might actually be one that supports preserving the sanctity of marriage between man and woman.

If it hasn't come up yet, I doubt her views are that much different from yours. That's the point. Organised religions are all at their core sexist,homophobic,exclusivist etc. Not just abrahamic ones either. There's controversy in Hinduism and Buddhism too about homosexuality.Individuals though can massively differ in the way they follow the religion and apply it's teachings, and some try to bring change from within.

I was Orthodox, now Catholic but a staunch pro choice activist, support gay marriage ,contraception and honestly don't think God gives a crap if he put a ring on it first or not. When it comes down to it, I just believe in God and that's it. If you judge me because of the Catholic's church stance on any of those things, that's your own limitations and ignorance,not mine.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 06/04/2022 19:08

'The only thing I remember from reading the book was Fraser's comment (Fraser quoted by Dawkins in the book) was that a belief in God wasn't necessary for Christianity (or a similar sentiment)'

Sorry but I think you have the wrong end of the stick here.

No C of E priest/vicar/rector would make such a statement.

Howdiditgetsobad · 06/04/2022 19:09

I think YABU - it’s just a toddler group with a story that happens to be religious. No harm as far as I can see. I take my kids to the local toddler group at a church. At the end they say a toddler prayer and there is occasional religious song. I am as atheist as they come, but happy to let DD see and hear what others believe. Plus, it’s really clean with lovely toys, good biscuits, crafts and only £2! The people that run it are lovely too.

APurpleSquirrel · 06/04/2022 19:10

I'm an atheist & occasionally took both my DC to a toddler group run by the local Christian Fellowship. They would have a few religious books out, bypassed completely by most of the children & they would say grace at snack time but that was all.
I'd say it was fine - a bible story is just another story to a 3yo.

hettie · 06/04/2022 19:11

I am an atheist and i took both my kids to Christian toddler groups mostly because because the only available toddler groups were ones run in church halls run by kindly old church goers.In my desperation to get out the house we frequented a broad church (Catholic, Baptist and cofe) Grin. They all had Bible stories...it was fine a helpful cultural introduction even (although the toddlers were mostly interested in the squash and biscuits). They got far more 'god stories' as DC named at their non faith primary school...

saraclara · 06/04/2022 19:12

@twentythreehundred the CofE isn't dictatorial in these matters at all. Individual vicars are allowed their own views and their own actions within reason.

My great aunt was a vicar and held very liberal views. Anglican churches can be very different from each other, and there's generally a place that suits any attendee, be they conservative high church people, or very liberal in their views.

And of course there are gay vicars. The Rev Richard Coles is of course a very out vicar as well as broadcaster.

woodhill · 06/04/2022 19:12

The people run the group on a voluntary basis and what happens if no one bothered.

It's affordable for those on low incomes & gives parents a break

dottydodah · 06/04/2022 19:13

We went to young families for a while with our DC. (A Christian group) I loved it and felt very at home there (I am a Christian though.) We had a lovely Vicar and he was not judgemental at all .The Aids Crisis came up in conversation ,and he asked us to pray very hard for these people and not judge them.If your LO enjoys going ,youre getting free CC and Grandma enjoys it then its a Win Win situation all round .A few little Bible stories wont indoctrinate him! Christians believe that God is their judge

Mumofboys109 · 06/04/2022 19:14

I am not
Christian but I took my children to a church toddler group it was lovely and was full of all different believers and non believers. Nothing was pushed on anyone particularly i wouldn’t be worried at all. Xx

stimpyyouidiot · 06/04/2022 19:14

I'd hit the roof.

ldontWanna · 06/04/2022 19:14

@DietrichandDiMaggio actually in a lot of schools Christianity is taught as fact, very few teachers use "Christians/some people believe" and the Christmas and Easter story are repeated every single year with Jesus did,Jesus said, even the timeline of Jesus' life(which is highly debatable). Other religions are taught with "x believe/some people believe" however. This really pisses me off as it's not consistent, and it automatically form a hierarchy of beliefs.

Londoncallingme · 06/04/2022 19:15

When your child goes to a non-denominational school they will hear stories from all different faiths.
It’s a playgroup with a quick bible story, it’s really not a big deal and will have zero impact on their future religious beliefs and choices.

Blossomtoes · 06/04/2022 19:16

@stimpyyouidiot

I'd hit the roof.
Why?
SirChenjins · 06/04/2022 19:17

Do you plan to homeschool then? Or withdraw your child from any form of RE?

No - because RMPS teaches belief systems from all religions and no religions.

stimpyyouidiot · 06/04/2022 19:18

@Blossomtoes I am against religion and dislike how they start from a young age telling them that this is all truth. I wouldn't go to any group that read bible stories.

ldontWanna · 06/04/2022 19:19

[quote saraclara]@twentythreehundred the CofE isn't dictatorial in these matters at all. Individual vicars are allowed their own views and their own actions within reason.

My great aunt was a vicar and held very liberal views. Anglican churches can be very different from each other, and there's generally a place that suits any attendee, be they conservative high church people, or very liberal in their views.

And of course there are gay vicars. The Rev Richard Coles is of course a very out vicar as well as broadcaster.[/quote]
They met after David approached Richard for advice on joining the clergy and soon developed romantic feelings for each other but maintained a celibate relationship.

Mhm....