Pregnant - Really do bot want to go to office

[creol]

I know i probably am BU here, but recently work want us to go into the office 1 day a week. I was expecting to be on mat leave by the time this happened.

Im 7 months pregnant, quite large with it as well, i keep getting told i look 9 months by lots of lovely people.

Although it is only 1 day a week i get myself in such a tizz the night before, the anxiety of needing the loo so much, i am also having a few issues in that area so i dread being out the house let alone in an office full of people. Plus i cannot extend childcare past a certain time on that day due to capacity so i am late to pick ds up which is horrible for us both, im driving fast and stressing trying to get to him.

What reasons can i give to back up the request to wfh until i go on mat leave? Other than the truth.

Apologies if i am bring insensitive and potentially using real problems that other pregnant women have but i just know telling them the real reasons wont go down well. At ALL!

@Nothappyatwork

Gosh there’s some mean spirited bitches on here and one of them is appallingly a nurse, that’s disconcerting.

Why do nurses have to be angels 24/7 who never criticise anyone? And if not they are cast as hard hearted bitches?

Misogyny much!

The relevance of saying she is a nurse is that it’s generally a physically active job unlike sitting at a desk.

The Op, like much of the population (pregnant or not) has become comfy at home. That’s it. Nothing more.

Op, it’s only one day a week - why can’t their dad do both drop off and pick up that day? Whatever the reason is (he recently left you, he broke his leg, his work posted him to Siberia, he is an inpatient non hospital) that means he cannot pick up the slack for a few weeks, that is the reason I would give. You had a plan. He was the plan. He can’t do it because of the above.

If none of the above are incapacitating him then he needs to be the one having a conversation with his manager. Not you.

It's more just how I feel, the dread, the embarrassment of the toilet trips as they really are a-lot, and without oversharing it's not the standard baby on bladder situation. There are a few other things which boil down to my MH I would say, other than the reality of working that 1 day.

If your toilet habits are impacting your day to day life in such a negative way I would suggest speaking to your GP or midwife.

Regarding the MH issues - it's hard to comment. If you think it might be because you've felt extra safe in your WFH cocoon and leaving that is making you anxious then I would try and find ways to manage that.

If there are other MH issues then do speak to your GP or midwife. Your employer will be far more understanding if they can see you're tackling them.

@EatTheToast

A nurse should know about the risks covid can have in the third trimester and have a little more understanding. I get it OP, I'm on maternity leave at the moment and was lucky enough to work from home whilst pregnant. Covid is rife in my office right now, everyone bar one person on my team has caught it in the last 3 weeks. Could you ask about coming in on a different day when the office is quieter?

She doesn’t once mention any concern re covid

Far easier for him to tell his manager that his wife is heavily pregnant and cannot manage drop off and pick up, as well as going to work, on one day of the week so he needs some flexibility for a couple of months.

Hi OP. Can you not just email along the lines of “with covid rates rising you are ideally looking to decrease your exposure due to the known risks of covid in late pregnancy and would ask them to consider you allowing you to continue working from home full time for the final few weeks of your pregnancy”

Surely that’s not confrontational and puts the ball in their court.

I think bitches is an apt term on here, cripes- the competitive well I have it worse, man up- what a nasty bunch.

OP I empathise as when I was in the third trimester I was the same regarding needing the loo a lot due to the way baby was lying- it was relentless and pretty embarrassing. Being at home and able to access a toilet as and when would have been ideal, and as you are working perfectly well from home for the other 4 days- just because doesn't seem a compelling reason to be in discomfort and it affecting your mental health. Sadly though some places will insist on it. As for childcare I can see how that's stressful and beyond your control if they don't have space beyond x time, sure its not your employers issue but if its just the one day I'd ask if you can swap the day you go in.

Your reasons aren’t good enough. Childcare is not your employers’ problem and tbh your toilet issues are what every pregnant person suffers with. It’s one day a week!

OP, I needed the loo constantly for the last few months of pregnancy. It was awful, and I could barely leave the house. (I only have one DC because of it!) I really sympathise, and think some of the comments on here are harsh. I had friends who said they felt exactly the same when pregnant as when they weren't so we really are all different. It was completely pregnancy related. As soon as DC was born, all was well again.
I think those who are making unsympathetic comments on here should really count their blessings actually.

@BeeDavis

Your reasons aren’t good enough. Childcare is not your employers’ problem and tbh your toilet issues are what every pregnant person suffers with. It’s one day a week!

Woman. Every pregnant woman.

@NiceTwin

Many pregnant women need the toilet frequently, I don't think that is reason enough.

Can you not arrange for someone else to pick up dc from childcare?

Unless there us a genuine medical reason I think you need to suck it up and crack on.

In my office there were men's toilets on every floor but only women's on every second. Each floor was separated by department and I was not permitted, even when requesting as a reasonable adjustment, to sit closer to a toilet.

I ended up with urinary incontinence, and it affected my health and dignity.

We don't know why the OP is so anxious about needing the bathroom but I'm sure there is good reason.

OP it's horrible feeling like that so i'd break down the things that you can tackle first.

Is childcare only a problem on that day? why not ask if you can change days? you don't need to say unless really pushed. From your employer's POV it is only a few more weeks anyway.

Using the toilet? less easy. TBH i would say if you can go to the office, even with 20 toilet breaks a day, i would do it. If only to show willing as a model employee and so on. If you think it is really impossible, can your talk to your boss and/or HR about you being an exception - you can be vague about reasons unless they really push and you really want to say - and WFH until you go on mat leave? I am assuming you don't announce to the entire office that you go to the toilet very often? We have a few pregnant colleagues right now, one was asking me how i coped in a work setting because she also uses the loo a lot - and i just told her nobody is counting. But I'm not in UK and our compulsory mat leave starts 6 weeks before due date and ends 8 weeks (or 12 for multiples or preemies) after the birth. So the later bladder issues that you get under "normal" circs doesn't really kick in unless big baby etc.

@Sara83zivf

Hi OP. Can you not just email along the lines of “with covid rates rising you are ideally looking to decrease your exposure due to the known risks of covid in late pregnancy and would ask them to consider you allowing you to continue working from home full time for the final few weeks of your pregnancy”

Surely that’s not confrontational and puts the ball in their court.

Rising? They are falling. Quite sharply in many areas having reached the peak in late March.

If there is a specific medical issue, then that needs considering in a risk assessment according to individual need.

If it's average pregnancy issues and not really wanting to then it's being unreasonable. It's normal to feel mildly anxious about changes of routine anyway, but the advantage of facing that now means less of a transition for when you return from maternity leave. If you're being seen as just being awkward without medical reason, then there could be negative impacts on decisions made in your absence on leave.

First, you sound like you may have anxiety as in a clinical condition--I hope you can get some help with that, things may not seem so desperate if you do.

Assuming you had to go into the office at least a couple of days a week before Covid, you are going to struggle to persuade them that it's reasonable to now not go in at all. How the 'new ways of working' is shaking out is that previously office-based jobs are now becoming hybrid--I suspect that few employers would be happy to see an office-based job become a wholly WFH one. (The exceptions are companies looking to cut costs, which is its own can of worms.)

You would sound most reasonable if you present what the actual issues are, and say that you're happy to come in if they can be accommodated. Notably the toilet oneobvious answer is to be seated nearer the loo. If they can do it, greatif not, they may decide for themselves that WFH makes more sense in the circumstances. Basically you need to not make it sound like you've already decided for them what the solution should be.

@DoNotGetADog

Do people not realise that nurses are real normal ordinary people like everyone else? Why should someone have to be “nice” all the time, even to someone on the internet just because they’re a nurse for their job?

Nurses, doctors, and most other healthcare professionals (and loads of other jobs eg shop workers, factory workers...) have been carrying on going into work every day of the pandemic like usual.

Does someone HAVE to be sympathetic to somebody who’s been working from home the entire time and is complaining that they have to go into an office about 6 times before they start maternity leave, just because they are a nurse?

@DoNotGetADog nurse or not, why do you need to be unnecessarily rude to someone when they haven’t done anything to you? I get that people feel like they’re entitled to speak to people any way they please on AIBU but it really isn’t needed. You don’t have to be sympathetic but there’s no need to be rude either. The option of not commenting is there too…

Obviously not the childcare issue as that is irrelevant to you being pregnant, but this is exactly what early maternity leave is for. I think you should ask your boss if you can start maternity leave early, you’ll feel much better of you don’t have that pressure.

Why are people being so mean here? “I climbed Everest the day before I gave birth and plopped the placenta out in the office, having rushed back the minute the umbilical cord had been cut”

Literally😂

Can you go on maternity leave earlier? Say 30 weeks?

Is the anxiety covid related or do you just not want to sit in an office? With 2 of my children I worked ft with a 90 min commute up until 38 weeks, this was a few years ago before we all got so used to wfh. I was doing lab work at the time so no option to wfh and on my feet lots. I'm not really sure why needing the loo more is an issue, unless you were one of those high rised crane drivers or a bus driver, you don't sound like either lol. Maybe play the covid card if you just don't want to go in or switch days to make childcare easier? Pre pandemic most people in an office job worked up to 36 weeks plus (in my experience) I think everyone has just got used to not having to go in, if you were struggling heavily pregnant a few years ago you went on mat leave to rest, there wasn't the option to wfh for many.

Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, if you can work from home, ask if they could make an exception over the next few weeks. They can only say no. There seem to be some very pious work martyrs in the comments, I salute them for their sacrifice, if it makes them happy then good for them! but you need to put yourself first, it’s a job - not a lease on your body and soul, they are your employers not your family. So if you can do your job from home, ask nicely for this short term accommodation, if they can’t swing it, you might consider going on mat leave a little early if that’s an option. You are not being unreasonable, you are being human.

I think your best options are:

• speak to your manager. If you continue to WFH and its not on a permanent basis (i.e. for the remainder of your pregnancy whilst at work) you may find they are open to allow it as a reasonable adjustment for the next 4 weeks for example.
• if they do ask that you return, ensure that you have a plan in place - OH breaks, moved seating if needs be, adjusted hours if possible

If you're open and honest about your concerns, you will in all likelihood find your manager will help you. My organisation is moving to hybrid working rather than allowing permanent WFH but we have people who have issues which might make this difficult and as long as they are willing to work with us, we haven't yet had a case where we haven't been able to find a solution.

OP think you are having a hard time. I was huge too at 7 months (people kept asking me if I was having twins). I was working full time in an office in a busy city in a heatwave year and I found it hard going to be honest. I started taking a bit of annual leave in the lead up to my mat leave so that I initially dropped one day and then 2. It really really helped me. Not sure if this would be feasible for you

It’s one day a week for about 5 or 6 weeks? I can’t understand why you are quite so anti but then I worked in a school on my feet all day while carrying twins (dashing off to vomit so regularly they moved my office to opposite the ladies loo).

I think you’re over thinking and getting in a tiz because the change has caught you off guard. Just take it a week at a time.

I think it's reasonable to speak to your manager. If you go in perhaps you can negotiate leaving half an hour earlier for childcare pickup? I don't understand the 'its not your employer's problem' comments - a reasonable employer would be flexible if you can make up the time- especially as it sounds like the requirement to come into the office is short notice.
With the discomfort that's understandable too - not everyone is the same. I think you should just tell them the truth. Is the problem with your bladder that you leak?

What would you have done pre Covid?
If you are unable to render your contractual options to the company by virtue of your pregnancy you need to start your maternity leave early.

To be fair I'd make an adjustment for you and allow you to come in 10 to 4. Alternatively if your GP wrote on a fit note that you were fit for work with adjustments, ie wfh until your mat leave starts, I'd honour that.

I do wonder if you need some help with your anxiety. Pre covid wfh wouldn't have been an option for pregnant women. They were expected in five days a week albeit with adjustments where necessary.

Do whatever you to do take care of yourself. I’ve gone on maternity leave at 29 weeks because I want to. I’ve missed a really strenuous and busy time at work that they wanted me to stay for, but a job is a job and the stress would not have been good for and the baby.

I would go to your GP and document these issues. Pop them on a doctors note. I would stick to the physical aspects and include any aches and pains you are having. I would avoid the mental health aspects as you clearly still want to do your job, you just don’t want to travel, and playing up stress/anxiety may render you unfit for work. Call a meeting with your boss and cite these as reasonable adjustments. They may be favourable. If not- start your mat leave early if you are financially able to.

The world is changing. People don’t need to be in the office to do their jobs. I think there is a definitely a case to have a ‘team’ present for juniors starting their career- but I think bringing a third trimester women back in the office for a day a week out of sheer presenteeism is bizarre.

I say this as a teacher who can’t ‘work from home’ and who doesn’t get the jealousy from others who can’t either.