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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant - Really do bot want to go to office

140 replies

creol · 06/04/2022 07:37

I know i probably am BU here, but recently work want us to go into the office 1 day a week. I was expecting to be on mat leave by the time this happened.

Im 7 months pregnant, quite large with it as well, i keep getting told i look 9 months by lots of lovely people.

Although it is only 1 day a week i get myself in such a tizz the night before, the anxiety of needing the loo so much, i am also having a few issues in that area so i dread being out the house let alone in an office full of people. Plus i cannot extend childcare past a certain time on that day due to capacity so i am late to pick ds up which is horrible for us both, im driving fast and stressing trying to get to him.

What reasons can i give to back up the request to wfh until i go on mat leave? Other than the truth.

Apologies if i am bring insensitive and potentially using real problems that other pregnant women have but i just know telling them the real reasons wont go down well. At ALL!

OP posts:
yellowsuninthesky · 06/04/2022 08:43

I agree @hareshoping - many women have problems with periods and being able to work from home, even on an ad hoc basis on the heaviest days of their periods, would make a big difference.

I don't think one day a week in the office is unreasonable but it depends how long your journey to work is and whether you really think you will have an accident. When I was pregnant with my son I had a 10 minute drive to work, so it wasn't a problem. It may be different if it takes you 30 plus minutes and there's nowhere like a hotel or supermarket en route where you could briefly stop.

JellybeansJelly · 06/04/2022 08:43

@Nothappyatwork

They are perfectly valid reasons if it’s important to the person that needs to pee and the person that doesn’t have childcare. There are weeks I don’t go into the office at all on the basis that I just don’t want to. It’s not actually necessary to attend for most office jobs. What I actually suspect is those who are being nasty to the pregnant lady have never had the option to work from home due to their career choices and they’re jealously is clouding their views. The compassion fatigue is clearly an issue for them and sounds like they could do with a few days iff themselves.
This sounds ridiculous. I work in a career with flexibility re wfh, and I think OP is the unreasonable one here. So nothing to do with jealousy…please! How stupid does your comment sound?!

And no, childcare is not a valid reason. In an emergency, yes. Avoiding work regularly because you don’t have adequate childcare, not good enough.

SafeMove · 06/04/2022 08:43

I was pregnant and sick. X20 a day for 9 months. And I had liw blood presdure and iron deficiency anaemia. People told me I was pregnant not sick and I crashed my car into the back of a lorry on a home visit for work. It's very simplistic that old trope.

Lalliella · 06/04/2022 08:47

Sorry OP I mean this kindly and I’m not sure if I’m using the right word but you might have got a bit institutionalised at home. I.e. entrenched in your environment and being anxious about leaving it after such a long time in somewhere so comfy and safe. When we first went back to the office a day a week I was looking for all sorts of excuses not to go. Your reasons are excuses really. I think you need to suck it up for a few weeks, you’ll be on maternity leave soon.

Jovanka · 06/04/2022 08:48

Are you planning on returning to work after the end of your maternity leave, OP? You will need to sort out a better arrangement for childcare. It’s not really on to say you can’t go into the office because you then have to drive fast to pick up your child.

If you are not planning on returning to work then I would start maternity leave early. And if you really can’t manage the one day now then you might have to go on mat leave early anyway. You can try asking for reasonable adjustments based on any health grounds but for the love of God, don’t mention having to drive fast to pick up your child because you haven’t managed to make a better arrangement.

babywalker56 · 06/04/2022 08:49

Sorry but just because there’s pregnant nurses on here working 10 hour shifts, doesn’t mean you should ‘suck it up.’ Just because people may seem to have it worse off than you, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to complain.

Can you not just let work know you’re pregnant (or do they already know? Sorry I may have missed it). I would just say something along the lines of having mobility issues and really bad pelvic pain and ask if I’d be okay to work from home for that one day a week. Or as someone else said, book annual leave for the days they want you in the office until you have the baby?

When I was pregnant in August 2020. I told my manager straight away because I had such bad morning and motion sickness that I couldn’t even walk in my flat without being sick. He let me work from home right up until my maternity leave even when people were going in the office 2/3 times a week. I even moved back to London during the time and worked from home here lol. Hopefully your manager can be somewhat understanding

rosesarebluey · 06/04/2022 08:49

@cuppateatime123

Sorry but you're being pathetic. I'm a nurse, work 10 hour shifts and I'm perfectly capable of walking to and from the toilet while there. Are you telling me while you're at home you camp outside the bathroom because you need the toilet so much. Man up you're only pregnant, just like the 1000's of other women who work away from home right now
You're a nurse? And you speak to people like this?

You sound a horrible person. You come across so nasty.

babywalker56 · 06/04/2022 08:51

I see you posted in AIBU and not Pregnancy. No wonder people are being so unnecessarily rude in the comments

Goldbar · 06/04/2022 08:52

OP, I think you're being slightly over-anxious about this. People really don't care that much about what others are doing so they're unlikely to notice you going to the loo frequently. If they do notice, they'll just think "Oh, she's heavily pregnant" and nothing else.

On the childcare, do you have anyone else who could do pick-up that day or could you pay for an extra hour so you're not so stressed?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/04/2022 08:52

@Nothappyatwork

They are perfectly valid reasons if it’s important to the person that needs to pee and the person that doesn’t have childcare. There are weeks I don’t go into the office at all on the basis that I just don’t want to. It’s not actually necessary to attend for most office jobs. What I actually suspect is those who are being nasty to the pregnant lady have never had the option to work from home due to their career choices and they’re jealously is clouding their views. The compassion fatigue is clearly an issue for them and sounds like they could do with a few days iff themselves.
God no, I'd hate to work from home. I know it's unusual on Mumsnet but I actually like seeing my colleagues. I'm an extrovert, being home alone all day is hell for me.

And OP's employer sets the rules, not the employee.

EinsteinaGogo · 06/04/2022 08:52

The number of people who say 'what would you have done before the pandemic' never ceases to amaze me. I'm sure you're the same posters who say on cost of energy posts "we used to have ice on the windows, suck it up".

The pandemic has changed office life. It's proved that in many cases (not all, but many) businesses do perfectly well with WFH staff.

The world has moved on. It's a viable option.

If OP is working well from home, and there's no pressing need for her to be in the office, why change that for a woman who is very pregnant?

OP - have a chat with your manager and ask if there's any way your WFH can continue. If I was your boss I'd be happy to have the conversation with you.

babywalker56 · 06/04/2022 08:54

@cuppateatime123

Sorry but you're being pathetic. I'm a nurse, work 10 hour shifts and I'm perfectly capable of walking to and from the toilet while there. Are you telling me while you're at home you camp outside the bathroom because you need the toilet so much. Man up you're only pregnant, just like the 1000's of other women who work away from home right now
@cuppateatime123 my grandma has 5 kids and I only have 1. Does that mean I’m not able to complain about the difficulties of motherhood because I only have 1 child whereas she has 5? This isn’t the struggle olympics. The OP is allowed to share her anxiousness regarding going into the office one day a week even if you’re somewhere else doing 10 hour shifts. The OP didn’t ask you to become a nurse! Such a rude response, should have kept it to yourself
Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/04/2022 08:55

@babywalker56

Sorry but just because there’s pregnant nurses on here working 10 hour shifts, doesn’t mean you should ‘suck it up.’ Just because people may seem to have it worse off than you, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to complain.

Can you not just let work know you’re pregnant (or do they already know? Sorry I may have missed it). I would just say something along the lines of having mobility issues and really bad pelvic pain and ask if I’d be okay to work from home for that one day a week. Or as someone else said, book annual leave for the days they want you in the office until you have the baby?

When I was pregnant in August 2020. I told my manager straight away because I had such bad morning and motion sickness that I couldn’t even walk in my flat without being sick. He let me work from home right up until my maternity leave even when people were going in the office 2/3 times a week. I even moved back to London during the time and worked from home here lol. Hopefully your manager can be somewhat understanding

She's 7 months pregnant, so I think her work probably know.
NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 06/04/2022 08:57

I was allowed to work from home just before and during covid and that was before they knew that covid increases the risk of preterm labour and stillbirth in the third tri.

I also had bad pelvic pain when walking and in the back of my pelvis, so couldn't travel by train anymore (about half hour walk). Thank god I had an understanding manager.

Responsiveroo · 06/04/2022 08:57

1 day a week?
7 months pregnant?
Drive to work rather than public transport?

Come on OP
This is mumsnet
Most of us have been pregnant and worked at a time when we were in 5 days a week and many of us have had to do buses trains and tubes

Pull up your big girl pants
And suck up the next few weeks without complaint

Goldbar · 06/04/2022 09:01

And I'm sorry but I do sort of see @cuppateatime123's point. I am able to wfh most of the time, but I do have to deliver adult classes and training for 2-3 hours at a time which is tough as I'm always nauseous atm. But it is only for 2-3 days a fortnight so I have the rest of the time to recover. If you speak to nurses/carers/teachers/nursery staff, they have a much tougher time in pregnancy so I can understand the raised eyebrows. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of reasonable adjustments which can be made in those cases... you can't leave 30 5 year olds alone however much you need the loo. So if your employer really does have good reason for wanting you in the office (even if just team cohesion), I don't think one day is unreasonable.

EatTheToast · 06/04/2022 09:01

A nurse should know about the risks covid can have in the third trimester and have a little more understanding. I get it OP, I'm on maternity leave at the moment and was lucky enough to work from home whilst pregnant. Covid is rife in my office right now, everyone bar one person on my team has caught it in the last 3 weeks. Could you ask about coming in on a different day when the office is quieter?

OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 09:02

To all the people saying OP is pregnant not ill does that mean you'd be OK with her wanting to WFH if she had an illness causing the same issues?

DoNotGetADog · 06/04/2022 09:05

Do people not realise that nurses are real normal ordinary people like everyone else? Why should someone have to be “nice” all the time, even to someone on the internet just because they’re a nurse for their job?

Nurses, doctors, and most other healthcare professionals (and loads of other jobs eg shop workers, factory workers...) have been carrying on going into work every day of the pandemic like usual.

Does someone HAVE to be sympathetic to somebody who’s been working from home the entire time and is complaining that they have to go into an office about 6 times before they start maternity leave, just because they are a nurse?

ShaneTwane · 06/04/2022 09:06

@OutingHobby

To all the people saying OP is pregnant not ill does that mean you'd be OK with her wanting to WFH if she had an illness causing the same issues?
A disability or long term illness is not the same as pregnancy.

Yes I think employers should make reasonable adjustments for pregnant women such as close and constant access to toilets, access and allowance to drink and snack if needed, maybe even extra rest breaks because pregnancy is exhausting and hard on the body.

However not going to work for the sake of 8 or less days because she needs the toilet and doesn't want to sort extra childcare is not a valid excuse.

NewtoHolland · 06/04/2022 09:09

Sorry you've got some lairy responses OP. For some people pregnancy can be really difficult with work, I think also of you've got used to working at home and that's your comfort zone coming out of it at this late stage when you feel quite vulnerable is hard.
Could you negotiate taking a shorter lunch break in order to be in time for DS? The anxiety of anticipating being late sounds like one of the hardest bits.
I did work in quite demanding out of home environments during all of my pregnancies but In still have empathy for someone who is finding that tough.

Shgytfgtf111 · 06/04/2022 09:10

@OutingHobby

To all the people saying OP is pregnant not ill does that mean you'd be OK with her wanting to WFH if she had an illness causing the same issues?
No because again the issue comes down to whether she is too ill to work. If she can work but just needs access to the loo, then she is fit to work from either home or the office. She would have worked in the office now pre-covid or be signed off sick so it shouldnt be any different now.
NatriumChloride · 06/04/2022 09:13

🤨
This is a really silly post. Sounds like you just can’t be arsed.
Sort out your childcare, that’s for you to work out. Don’t blame your workplace for needing to rush to your child.
Your workplace should make adjustments re the toilet needs.
You’re pregnant, fgs, not unwell.

Ballcactus · 06/04/2022 09:13

Can you have a chat with HR and ask for some adjustments that work alongside your pregnancy risk assessment? Regular access to a toilet is a part of a pregnancy risk assessment and if you have extra issues I totally understand the anxiety- obviously I don’t know the exact details but if you’re so worried about losing control of your bladder or something similar that would make the anxiety go through the roof. They have a duty of care over you and you are protected in pregnancy so I would go down that route- good luck

BreatheAndFocus · 06/04/2022 09:13

Why are people being so mean here? “I climbed Everest the day before I gave birth and plopped the placenta out in the office, having rushed back the minute the umbilical cord had been cut”

FFS - not everyone has easy pregnancies, and sometimes superficially ‘minor’ issues can cause a lot of discomfort. There are plenty of pelvic issues that might include - joint pain, varicose veins in that area, haemorrhoids, irritable bladder, etc etc.

If there’s no need for you to be in work, OP, just talk to your boss and see if you can stay at home. Not for the childcare issues as those are yours to sort, but because of pregnancy-related problems.