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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say my DH/BIL/MIL are all taking a lend

123 replies

Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 21:17

My BIL and his partner aren't working atm. Both off on long term sick from very well paying jobs. Zero financial worries. Minimal mortgage. No DC or pets.

I work full time, more than 2 DC, numerous pets. Travel over and hour each way to work twice a week and 3 days working from home. Very busy job (which I love).

My MIL has recently moved in with us. Not my choice/my opinion was not considered. She has specific medical needs and is quite a handful. Can be quite nasty at times.

My DH wants MIL to live with/near us to protect his inheritance. His DB has form for disappearing jewellery, paintings etc when grandparents have passed on. MIL also favours him and has given him £++,+++ over the years for nothing in particular. She has given DH nothing.

My point is, it's me that's doing all the cooking, cleaning, entertaining, endless conversations over and over again. It's me paying for all the groceries (I earn about quarter what the others do). Spending all of my time with MIL. DH hides out in his study (sulking if I try to talk to him about it).

BIL is entertaining friends on FB (BBQ's, brunches etc) and generally having a carefree time (not sure how he's getting away with that one with his employer as there's clearly nothing wrong with him). I am bone tired, sick of everyone and loosing the will ... If I make it to next week it will be a miracle. It sounds like I'm being funny, but I'm not. I am sick to death.

I have used my voice. I have put my points across. I am ignored. The worst thing is MIL is constantly saying how BIL's life is so stressful. Not even joking 😔

AIBU to say BIL should pull his finger out of his arse and do his share? Or at the very least buy some damn groceries?

OP posts:

NameChanged2022 · 05/04/2022 21:20

Not sure you should be taking this out on BIL when clearly you need to talk to DH...

coconutpie · 05/04/2022 21:22

You have a massive DH problem. MIL should never have moved in. I would be telling DH that she needs to move out. Do not sign up to this for the rest of MIL's life. It is you doing all the work. Let her darling other son look after her. I'd be giving an ultimatum to DH on this - it's either you (and your marriage) or MIL.

Indicatrice · 05/04/2022 21:22

YANBU. MIL may leave everything to BIL anyway!

Tell DH you aren’t doing any of it anymore and stop.

And if you are using your own earnings to buy food instead of joint account, then it sounds like you are being financially abused.

Tell DH you want access to all accounts and MIL has to move out or you are leaving him.

toomuchlaundry · 05/04/2022 21:23

Well I would stop doing the cooking at least and go hide in the study

DismantledKing · 05/04/2022 21:24

You’re letting yourself be a doormat here

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2022 21:25

You have two issues.

One is yourself - why are you paying for groceries and doing all of that. Your uesrname is apt - you are everyones doormat but that is on you.

And your bigger issue is your DH who sounds awful

HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 21:26

Sorry op, but this is all on you. You are allowing yourself to be a skivvy and a doormat. Some posters will say you have a husband problem, but you have a you problem.

Tell your husband your MIL is leaving now or you are. Don't let this be your life. You'd be better off without him.

AntarcticTern · 05/04/2022 21:27

Your DH is being an arsehole and I would be absolutely furious if I was in your position.

jytdtysrht · 05/04/2022 21:28

Tackle the problem now. My BIL is similarly lazy. Did f all for my PILs when they were alive. Me and dh nearly broke ourselves doing everything. He was “too far away” (as were we!) and “didn’t have time” (we had far less time - kids, pets etc all BIL had to do was some womanising and socialising). Well when they bloody died he had loads of time to go rummaging in their home multiple times and start money grabbing. Suddenly he wasn’t too far away or too busy for any of it. The cunt.

You must speak up now, put your foot down. Tell dh and mil no more. You are doing too much and it’s time for bil to help. Believe me nothing changes unless you change it.

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/04/2022 21:29

@HellToTheNope

Sorry op, but this is all on you. You are allowing yourself to be a skivvy and a doormat. Some posters will say you have a husband problem, but you have a you problem.

Tell your husband your MIL is leaving now or you are. Don't let this be your life. You'd be better off without him.

This says all perfectly.

nitsandwormsdodger · 05/04/2022 21:30

I cannot conceive of a situation where this situation would happen in any household I know or have known

It’s very weird that she came to stay and you were not consulted. Stop doing anything for mil , why are you passively putting up with this level of disrespect from your husband ?
Inheritance cannot be protected with this way anyway it’s all down to what it says in the will ( disgusting reason to look after his mum )

What BIL is up to us irrelevant not your concern, focus on your rude lazy husband , personally that level of disrespect would’ve ended things for me

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 05/04/2022 21:31

Stop buying groceries. Nip to the corner shop and buy enough for yourself for one day each morning then hide away in the study and leave DH and Mil to sort themselves out.

Chloemol · 05/04/2022 21:31

It’s simple

You tell your husband, either face to face or if he hides sulking via text/email that it’s not working and mil has to leave, either to bil or elsewhere and in the meantime as he invited his mother to stay, so he is now fully responsible for her. You are not doing a thing. When she wants something tell her to ask her son

Mum2jenny · 05/04/2022 21:34

I’d consider moving out and leaving your DH to sort things out, otherwise I’d be out on a permanent basis. Hopefully it will not come to that though.

TinLeaf · 05/04/2022 21:36

Yeah, your dh is utterly selfish, why are you letting him treat you like this?

RedDiamond · 05/04/2022 21:38

@Everybodysdoormat You need to come back OP. You need to tell us more. How on earth was your MIL allowed to move in without consultation with you? Is it a cultural way of life?

If she thinks the sun shines out of BIL then she needs to move in with him.

You must be exhausted.

Gazelda · 05/04/2022 21:41

So the reason your MIL moved in was so that DH felt his inheritance was more secure?

Where did she live before? What is her financial situation? How old is she? How old are your DC?

NumberTheory · 05/04/2022 21:46

Stop doing the things you don't want to.

Hide out in the study (or create another room for yourself) when you don't want to spend time with MiL. Tell MiL and DH you aren't cooking family meals anymore. Get yourself in foor you like or order the odd takeaway. Stop doing big grocery shops, just get in what you need. Contradict your MiL if she says ridiculous things about BiL (if you can be bothered) and don't hang around to hear her argue back.

If DH asks why you aren't doing whatever it is that facilitates his mum being there just tell him - I told you I didn't want to do all that. So I'm not.

You are complaining about picking up the pieces while everyone else gets on with their lives the way they want to. Just stop picking up the pieces and see what happens. Don't try and sort everyone out because that way you are still taking on the administrative burden and anything anyone can't be bothered doing will still fall to you.

Or just leave. Move closer to your work and leave the pets with DH (unless you really want one or two and don't resent the work they need). You have described a DH who pays no attention to your well being or desires. Why are you with him?

newbiename · 05/04/2022 21:49

Your 'D' H is a massive cunt. That's your problem.

Lollypop701 · 05/04/2022 22:11

Honestly mil could leave everything to bil anyway. Dh won’t care too much, as he wasn’t impacted that much and can tell everyone he did everything and bil got it all for a huge sympathy vote. Oh and then divorce you and move another woman in because apparently you are no fun. (Can you tell I think he’s an idiot yet?)

Original poster

Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 22:16

I have put my foot down. I have said all of the things. MIL is still here.

I need to feed my DC. I can't just not make dinner for them.

Agreed it is my DH that's the problem. Not sure what I can do about it though as I need somewhere to live and so do DC.

OP posts:

Kite22 · 05/04/2022 22:17

Agree with everyone else.

Not sure this has anything to do with your BiL and his work / sickness status, but it has everything to do with your dh.

There is no way my dh would just move his parent in to our home without it being an equal, well thought out agreement between both of us.
There is no way I would be waiting on anyone.

I would seriously walk out if he thought that was acceptable behaviour.

As an aside, I'm not sure why your dh thinks his dm's will is going to be any different just because she is living at your house, if he thinks it is going to favour his db anyway.

RedDiamond · 05/04/2022 22:20

@Everybodysdoormat - sorry but you did not answer my question previously. Is this a cultural way of life?

HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 22:20

I need to feed my DC. I can't just not make dinner for them.

Feed your children. Your husband can feed himself and his mother.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that it's her or you.

YOU are your problem.

Original poster

Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 22:21

@RedDiamond Thank you, it's not a cultural way of life.

OP posts:

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