To say my DH/BIL/MIL are all taking a lend

[Everybodysdoormat]

My BIL and his partner aren't working atm. Both off on long term sick from very well paying jobs. Zero financial worries. Minimal mortgage. No DC or pets.

I work full time, more than 2 DC, numerous pets. Travel over and hour each way to work twice a week and 3 days working from home. Very busy job (which I love).

My MIL has recently moved in with us. Not my choice/my opinion was not considered. She has specific medical needs and is quite a handful. Can be quite nasty at times.

My DH wants MIL to live with/near us to protect his inheritance. His DB has form for disappearing jewellery, paintings etc when grandparents have passed on. MIL also favours him and has given him £++,+++ over the years for nothing in particular. She has given DH nothing.

My point is, it's me that's doing all the cooking, cleaning, entertaining, endless conversations over and over again. It's me paying for all the groceries (I earn about quarter what the others do). Spending all of my time with MIL. DH hides out in his study (sulking if I try to talk to him about it).

BIL is entertaining friends on FB (BBQ's, brunches etc) and generally having a carefree time (not sure how he's getting away with that one with his employer as there's clearly nothing wrong with him). I am bone tired, sick of everyone and loosing the will ... If I make it to next week it will be a miracle. It sounds like I'm being funny, but I'm not. I am sick to death.

I have used my voice. I have put my points across. I am ignored. The worst thing is MIL is constantly saying how BIL's life is so stressful. Not even joking 😔

AIBU to say BIL should pull his finger out of his arse and do his share? Or at the very least buy some damn groceries?

Do you rent? Own? Can you kick them out? Can you move out? What are your options? How old are DC?

If there is a will to worry about i.e. MIL has money/assets then why are you having to stress about finances. At the very least while this situation is sorted out you need to ask for a generous rent for groceries/ bills and a cleaner as you are now run ragged. But longer term I would file for divorce (seriously) or tell your husband that this is what you will be doing as you can't leave with the kids easily with nowhere to go and can't easily kick him and MIL out so need a planned way forward like splitting your assets. Who moves someone in for you to care for without your agreement? This could be your life for decades if you don't say no.

BIL is a red herring. It's not up to you what he does. But you can control what you do going forward. If MIL has money she can pay for the help she needs.

don't "have a chat" OP, be pro-active. Tell him that you two are now packing all MILs stuff and taking it to BIL. And do it. Just start.

Do not lift a finger to do anything for her, no cooking, cleaning chatting whatever. Every time she needs something, hoik your DH out from wherever he has stashed himself and tell him to do it. Don't wait around to see if he does, just carry on doing your own thing.

Make it clear to him - he knows this deep down - that MIL is leaving him nothing and costing him money now. Tell him to ask her for her contribution to costs. Make a list of what it costs you - including your time and effort - to "host" her like this.

Do it. Make a list of what you need to say and tell him. The cut off for her being out is, say, Friday 5pm.

(did like pp suggestion that you and the kids move in with BIL, I'd love that)

Does DM have her own house?

Return her to her house - she might appreciate that- and dismantle the bed she was sleeping in on your house, fill up that room with stuff for your hobby and arrange for a lock on the door which only you have key too as it's your stuff.

Tell DH his DM only came temporarily and was time for her to go as you are not being forced into being her carer nor using your money to feed her. BIL and he can visit her at her home and support her but she is not to stay in your home.

Your DH/BIL or even you (with her permission) can refer DM to the local social services - you didn't say what country. Unless BIL or DH pull their fingers out and get on with caring for her in her own home or at BILs home

I like Bunce’s suggestion!

Why isn't MIL contributing to the food bill?

Why should BIL be doing anything?
Your household (your DH specifically) let her move in.

Nothing to do with your BIL

So your awful husband who pays for nothing for his mother, is he financially abusive?
Stays in his study and sulks?
Emotionally abusive?
Does nothing with the children?
Shit father too.

And you are skivvy for him and his mother.

Only you can help yourself, but you are a mug accepting this.

Why can't you stand up for yourself?

You earn the most so why is it an issue to find another place to live? Give him the kids 50:50 and see how he gets on. Keep the childcare arrangements you have now. This family is toxic and you need to ditch the lot of them. I'd have one last very frank discussion with your dh and if nothing changes start making plans. Next time she says bil is stressed tell her a few home truths. You only get one life op and you can live it like this getting trodden upon by everyone or make changes to live a better one. I'm not saying it will be easy making such huge changes, it won't and you'll doubt yourself along the way but this is no life and you deserve better. Best of luck op.

What age are your children op?

Can you just go out? I think that's what I'd do. Be perfectly pleasant, do whatever you need to do for the dc depending on their age, and then a breezy 'see you later'.

Because, your husband (no idea why you wrote 'd'h) isn't listening to your words whatsoever. So, it'll have to be actions.

Is your MIL so well of that even half of what she leaves will be worth this??

Your husband sounds awful!

How do you have a BBQ on Facebook?

And do you live in a mansion?

Hire a cleaner for a start. And then a solicitor.

Feed your kids. You do not need to feed anyone else. So stop it or you’re just being a martyr.

I do think this has gone past a chat. Agree you need to get angry with dh. Use words like divorce. Say you dont want to be in a marriage when your views are not considered and you are being used as free labour to shore up dh and BILs inheritance. Point out he'll be worse off losing half his current assets in order to get half of hers after inheritance tax has been paid.

A temporary solution can be MIL moves back into her home and DH goes with her.

Ask yourself honestly - do any of them give a flying fuck how you feel or what you think about anything?

It doesn't seem so and I doubt all the chats, complaints or ultimatums in the world will make a difference because how you feel is unimportant to any of them.

That leaves you with two realistic choices. Suck it up or walk away.

I'd pick the latter tbh

Why can't your husband move his mother back to her home and he live there with her? Instead of disrupting everyone else.

I bet BIL has been over at her empty house rummaging to his heart's content.

"Point out he'll be worse off losing half his current assets in order to get half of hers after inheritance tax has been paid."

Excellent point!!

@Sceptre86

You earn the most so why is it an issue to find another place to live? Give him the kids 50:50 and see how he gets on. Keep the childcare arrangements you have now. This family is toxic and you need to ditch the lot of them. I'd have one last very frank discussion with your dh and if nothing changes start making plans. Next time she says bil is stressed tell her a few home truths. You only get one life op and you can live it like this getting trodden upon by everyone or make changes to live a better one. I'm not saying it will be easy making such huge changes, it won't and you'll doubt yourself along the way but this is no life and you deserve better. Best of luck op.

Tell DH to imagine if he had sole responsibility for his mother AND 50 percent of child rearing AND 100 percent earning his own living.

Because that's what he's headed for.

She earns a quarter of what they do? Including your husband?

@AnnesBrokenSlate

This has nothing to do with your BIL and it's bizarre you're focusing on him. Don't you have any relatives or friends you can stay with? I'd be packing a bag and leaving with the DCs. Tell your DH, you'll come back when MIL has moved out.

Doesn't BIL have equal responsibility to DH?

@BritWifeInUSA

What part of “no” is so difficult for you to say? It’s your house. Put your foot down.

You’ve made this situation for yourself by not saying “no”. The longer you don’t say “no”, the longer it’ll continue.

I have said no. I'm still saying it.

Can you move to MIL old home?

Thanks again everyone for the comments.

Don't worry about MIL she is well catered for and happy. My issue is not with her. Despite her being sometimes difficult we get on well. She is perfectly happy. And unaware of the stress.

Had another 'chat' with DH this morning. He is organising more permanent accommodation for her (close to us) so that he can pop round a few times a week. This should be in place by the end of the month. May concern was that there was no discussion about timeline. I think he would have been happy to let her stay indefinitely if I hadn't made my feelings clear.

I don't think that my not wanting a new additional full time role makes me a bad person thanks @Responsiveroo I am sure there are Angels that could manage all of that but I have enough on my plate.

DH is also going to pay up for MIL costs so win win. Only next 3/4 weeks to get through. Feeling a lot brighter about the whole thing.

Thanks again all

Op

How do you feel about someone who wants to keep his mother close so as not to lose his inheritance?