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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my DH/BIL/MIL are all taking a lend

123 replies

Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 21:17

My BIL and his partner aren't working atm. Both off on long term sick from very well paying jobs. Zero financial worries. Minimal mortgage. No DC or pets.

I work full time, more than 2 DC, numerous pets. Travel over and hour each way to work twice a week and 3 days working from home. Very busy job (which I love).

My MIL has recently moved in with us. Not my choice/my opinion was not considered. She has specific medical needs and is quite a handful. Can be quite nasty at times.

My DH wants MIL to live with/near us to protect his inheritance. His DB has form for disappearing jewellery, paintings etc when grandparents have passed on. MIL also favours him and has given him £++,+++ over the years for nothing in particular. She has given DH nothing.

My point is, it's me that's doing all the cooking, cleaning, entertaining, endless conversations over and over again. It's me paying for all the groceries (I earn about quarter what the others do). Spending all of my time with MIL. DH hides out in his study (sulking if I try to talk to him about it).

BIL is entertaining friends on FB (BBQ's, brunches etc) and generally having a carefree time (not sure how he's getting away with that one with his employer as there's clearly nothing wrong with him). I am bone tired, sick of everyone and loosing the will ... If I make it to next week it will be a miracle. It sounds like I'm being funny, but I'm not. I am sick to death.

I have used my voice. I have put my points across. I am ignored. The worst thing is MIL is constantly saying how BIL's life is so stressful. Not even joking 😔

AIBU to say BIL should pull his finger out of his arse and do his share? Or at the very least buy some damn groceries?

OP posts:
WinniesHunny · 05/04/2022 22:22

@Everybodysdoormat

I have put my foot down. I have said all of the things. MIL is still here.

I need to feed my DC. I can't just not make dinner for them.

Agreed it is my DH that's the problem. Not sure what I can do about it though as I need somewhere to live and so do DC.

So make dinner for them, not the cunts who are making your life miserable. He needs to be more scared of upsetting you than the evil witch he was pushed out of.
Herejustforthisone · 05/04/2022 22:24

Your BIL is a cunt. But it’s your H who is the problem.

MySecretHistory · 05/04/2022 22:25

BBQ in April?
Where do you live?

ForeverSingle881 · 05/04/2022 22:26

Stop. Stop all this crap you're doing for her. Stop paying for her shite. If he comments, you leave him. It will be easier just you and the kids. Leave him with MIL. See how much he wants his inheritance then.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/04/2022 22:32

Why do you get to be financially abused in having to pay for everything?

I'd be thinking seriously about leaving with the children and your husband can look after his own Mum.

Original poster
Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 22:34

Thank you for all of your replies. I will have another chat with DH tomorrow and explain how bad my MH is as a result of the additional stress/financial burden. I don't feel like I've got much fight left tonight.

I need to keep what energy I have for my DC.

My BIL sickness is only relevant because he has no responsibilities - none. Time or financial that stop him from helping with this situation. I am well aware of his 'health' issues and the scope of them. I think looking after someone else would be good for him. He has plenty of time to make dietary suggestions etc for MIL 😐 He tried inviting himself for a visit but I've knocked that on the head.

Re the will - I'm not bothered by it at all. I know I'm not in it and DC aren't either. It's not a factor for me. Likely BIL and his DP will get it all. The irony is not lost on me.

Re DH - yeah he's a complete knob. Should have seen this coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 22:36

@MySecretHistory

BBQ in April? Where do you live?
On the continent.
OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 05/04/2022 22:38

You can feed your children without feeding your dh or mil. You say to mil that Dh hasn’t transferred money over so I’m just feeding dc and me this week so I don’t run out. You’ll have to talk to him.

RedDiamond · 05/04/2022 22:39

@Everybodysdoormat Oh Wow. It's not cultural. You ARE a doormat.

This must be so awful for you.

I do agree with loads of others though, your DH IS the problem. Maybe you need to talk to him.

In my experience, those grown up children who take the parents in, the parents really resent. They see the day to day life of their children. Not always wonderful.

Now BIL, he can lead the fantasy life that they adore and approve of!

Your DH might not actually be protecting his inheritance. Just saying...

RedDiamond · 05/04/2022 22:41

@Everybodysdoormat - On the continent! And you say it is not cultural. Wow! Best laugh I have had in ages. Thanks for wasting my time.

Original poster
Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 22:46

@RedDiamond I'm not entirely sure what you mean by 'cultural'. I'm assuming you mean is it usual in my culture for families to move in elderly relatives - no it's not usual.

Not sure why the location makes it funny. Or why my culture would make a difference. My experience is still the same.

I'm not usually a doormat - this was sprung on me at very short notice.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 05/04/2022 22:47

@Everybodysdoormat

I have put my foot down. I have said all of the things. MIL is still here.

I need to feed my DC. I can't just not make dinner for them.

Agreed it is my DH that's the problem. Not sure what I can do about it though as I need somewhere to live and so do DC.

I missed the bit about having children, which does make mirroring the selfish behaviour a poor choice. But you could stop entertaining her or doing anything specifically for her. Cook what you'd normally cook. Don't buy her anything special or separate. Don't clean her room or do her laundry. Ask her to pick up after herself or even help out if she's physically capable. Stop doing things for your DH that take up an amount of time equal to any time you are spending on MiL and just say - don't have time for that now with MiL here.

And longer term look into leaving. Getting yourself sorted so it's as painless as possible for you, and takes the kid's educational needs into account as much as possible. But get those kids out of there. It's really damaging for them to see you being treated like this.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2022 22:51

You can also- send dc into study saying Mum told us you are taking us to the park /cafe/soft play with grandma.
Take your work and go into the study and use it, ignoring him.
Take his work and throw it out of the study, saying this is my only private space option in the house now and you don’t get to use it.
All things you don’t have to discuss and agree with him to do (as well as not shopping or cooking for him) and there are many similar.

RedDiamond · 05/04/2022 22:52

[quote Everybodysdoormat]@RedDiamond I'm not entirely sure what you mean by 'cultural'. I'm assuming you mean is it usual in my culture for families to move in elderly relatives - no it's not usual.

Not sure why the location makes it funny. Or why my culture would make a difference. My experience is still the same.

I'm not usually a doormat - this was sprung on me at very short notice.[/quote]
I apologise if I have offended you. I do not feel that I understand your situation completely so I will withdraw now.

Original poster
Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 22:54

@RedDiamond no need to retreat. No offence taken. I need all the advice I can get.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 05/04/2022 23:03

I’d take my children and myself to BILS house and live there.
See how they like it.

Be loud, make a mess. Be a problem.

BluebellsGreenbells · 05/04/2022 23:05

Why has she moved in? Did she have a property to sell, was the plan short term?

You need to speak to DH in terms of the OP

I’m upset, I’m tired, I’m paying, do not leave MIL! Just stick to how you feel and what you want.

Original poster
Everybodysdoormat · 05/04/2022 23:05

@Bunce1

I’d take my children and myself to BILS house and live there. See how they like it.

Be loud, make a mess. Be a problem.

Love it 😉
OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 05/04/2022 23:06

Cook for you and your dc, no-one else. Do nothing for anyone but yourself and your dc. Mil needs to move out ASAP. What was your dh thinking?!

NoSquirrels · 05/04/2022 23:09

Don’t have “another chat” with your husband.

Have a proper arsey temper tantrum - be as loud and unreasonable as possible. Tell him he either finds MIL alternative accommodation or finds himself PLUS MIL alternative accommodation.

Kennykenkencat · 05/04/2022 23:13

Don’t “chat” with Dh. Just tell him what you want and what you are going to do.
Buy food and cook just for you and the children
Tell Dh that until mil is gone then there won’t be any more food, shopped for or cooked for by you.
If she hasn’t gone by a certain date then you will be putting the house up for sale and seeing a solicitor as you will be divorcing him. If he still wants his mum to live with him then he is going to have to find a different place to live.

Tell don’t ask. Otherwise as soon as you pose a question or have a chat then CFs will find a way round

Awrite · 05/04/2022 23:14

I once had a talk with dh where I pointed out that the kids and I were his priority, not mil and if he wanted us to be happy he needed to treat us as such.

That was about her dropping by without notice. I can't actually conceive of him moving her in without my permission.

Sounds like you are at breaking point. If he's not willing to move her out for your sake then he has shown you how important you are to him.

Hell mend you if you stay with him then.

ChangeNameagain2 · 05/04/2022 23:15

Doormats have 'chats' you need to roar.

HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 23:20

I will have another chat with DH tomorrow

🤦

You are your own worst enemy.

Fraaahnces · 05/04/2022 23:32

Honestly, I’d be taking the reins right away. “Rightio MIL. Pack your crap or I will. You are moving in with BIL whom you so very obviously prefer. I’m no longer your staff.”