To say my DH/BIL/MIL are all taking a lend

[Everybodysdoormat]

My BIL and his partner aren't working atm. Both off on long term sick from very well paying jobs. Zero financial worries. Minimal mortgage. No DC or pets.

I work full time, more than 2 DC, numerous pets. Travel over and hour each way to work twice a week and 3 days working from home. Very busy job (which I love).

My MIL has recently moved in with us. Not my choice/my opinion was not considered. She has specific medical needs and is quite a handful. Can be quite nasty at times.

My DH wants MIL to live with/near us to protect his inheritance. His DB has form for disappearing jewellery, paintings etc when grandparents have passed on. MIL also favours him and has given him £++,+++ over the years for nothing in particular. She has given DH nothing.

My point is, it's me that's doing all the cooking, cleaning, entertaining, endless conversations over and over again. It's me paying for all the groceries (I earn about quarter what the others do). Spending all of my time with MIL. DH hides out in his study (sulking if I try to talk to him about it).

BIL is entertaining friends on FB (BBQ's, brunches etc) and generally having a carefree time (not sure how he's getting away with that one with his employer as there's clearly nothing wrong with him). I am bone tired, sick of everyone and loosing the will ... If I make it to next week it will be a miracle. It sounds like I'm being funny, but I'm not. I am sick to death.

I have used my voice. I have put my points across. I am ignored. The worst thing is MIL is constantly saying how BIL's life is so stressful. Not even joking 😔

AIBU to say BIL should pull his finger out of his arse and do his share? Or at the very least buy some damn groceries?

Oh, and follow through. Drop her there. No warning.

Holy crap.

No this isn't ok

I'd be telling MIL BIL wants her to move in with him.

You haven’t put your foot down, though. That involves actually following through with decisive action and consequences. What you appear to have done is moan a bit and then assume the duties of general dogsbody, maid and bank.

Why have you accepted this, exactly? There’s always an element of passivity to these sorts of posts that is very hard to understand. Are you afraid of your husband?

As others have said you have a DH problem and he needs to move his DM back out again. I get that you and your DC need to live somewhere and given money is an issue I assume leaving is not a possibility? At the very least stop buying food for a DH and MIL and just tell them you can't afford to feed them on your much lower salary. Just cook for you and DC, Do you not have a joint household account? You don't need to entertain your MIL. Do as your DH does and do your own thing. Watch television, read a book, go for a walk or whatever. She might be more inclined to go home then and given you were not consulted about her moving in you don't need to make her welcome.

Why can you not hire some help in the home? It would make such a difference and give you time to yourself. Presumably mother in law has money and makes some financial contribution to the housebold., which means three incomes out of which a small proportion could pay for some part time housekeeping. Think about it.

I don't get' why you had no say in 'mother' moving in, that seems somewhat highhanded. but if you have a decent sized house, you can designate a bit of it for your private study or work or (sleep/watch TV), whatever you want to do, when the kids are out or asleep.

You must look after yourself or you'll be no use to anyone. Your wellbeing is important.

If the old lady continues to harp on about her other son, choosing your words, tell her you are bored with hearing it, that she should play another tune. She is living in your home, not vice versa, so that is not unreasonable (as long as you say it carefully, I'm not suggesting you turn horrible). Your husband may be relieved if you do that.

This is just awful. Honestly OP, it will grind you down. She could be with you for another decade, taking a decade of your life away. let's be honest - you could put up with this BS until she dies, then your DH could take the inheritance and divorce you!

Your DH has taken his mother in without consulting you, and is using your labour and patience to placate and serve his nasty mother so he can try and get money when she dies. You are being used, horribly.

He needs to move her out ASAP - to where is not your problem - a home, a flat, sheltered accommodation, another relative - is is NOT your problem - she is not your mother.

Please please give him an ultimatum - you don't want this to be your life - she has to go or you will - and mean it!

Is it a cultural way of life?

So many posts where the woman has to bow down to her husband's culture, usually meaning that she is financially disadvantaged and has to put up with their selfish expectations of their son. Why can she not say 'In my culture that doesn't happen so I'm not accepting it'? The cultural thing always seems to be one-sided.

My grandmother moved in with us when she was told she’d never feed herself again after a stroke. She was with us nearly 30 years. Unlike your situation, she was an utterly delightful human and my parents were not. (Financially and emotionally abusing her. I was looking at ways to get her to my place when she died.)

Good Lord, you are putting up with a lot. I’d be gathering paperwork, getting my ducks in a row and filing for divorce asap. That is no life.

@JudgeJ

Is it a cultural way of life?

So many posts where the woman has to bow down to her husband's culture, usually meaning that she is financially disadvantaged and has to put up with their selfish expectations of their son. Why can she not say 'In my culture that doesn't happen so I'm not accepting it'? The cultural thing always seems to be one-sided.

When people ask if it's cultural, I don't think the intention if it is is to say "Oh you'll just have to put up with it then." But people might be more likely to suggest different solutions or a different order of things to try. For instance, if it's common in the OP's culture, finding other family members who support the OP's values to put pressure on the DH and MiL might be more likely to work. Or, if it's a particular culture that other posters share, they can suggest things they've found helpful that take into account what's likely to be important to others. Because none of us live in a vacuum, cultural norms shape the way we think about things and how we (and the people whose behaviour we want to change) react to different pressures.

This has nothing to do with your BIL and it's bizarre you're focusing on him. Don't you have any relatives or friends you can stay with? I'd be packing a bag and leaving with the DCs. Tell your DH, you'll come back when MIL has moved out.

"My DH wants MIL to live with/near us to protect his inheritance. His DB has form for disappearing jewellery, paintings etc when grandparents have passed on. MIL also favours him and has given him £++,+++ over the years for nothing in particular. She has given DH nothing"
Your husband is a fool if he thinks he is 'protecting his inheritance'. There will be NO inheritance, she will leave it to his brother. Every red cent.

Having a 'chat' will do nothing. Making threats and not following through will do nothing. You're going to have to go full-on Riot Act and mean it. A 'take your bastarding mother to stay with your shite of a brother and don't come back' level of Riot Act. Indeed, if BIL lives near enough and you drive, I'd offer her to take her to BIL for a visit and just leave her there. You need to get it through your fool of a husband's thick skull that this stops now, because you sound very very close to breaking point and if you break - what happens to your children?

As an aside - what do you mean by "It's me paying for all the groceries"? Do you mean that your husband pays nothing? In which case, stop feeding him/MIL. Seriously, stop. He can start buying and cooking for the two of them. Or they can starve, his choice.

Why are you being so passive?

Next time they're both in the room with you, say directly to your MIL's face "I don't want you here, you're not welcome. I want you to leave. You can take your son with you." And then you leave the room.

Your husband sounds ghastly. He can buy and cook his own food.

Do you want to continue the marriage? Are you scared of him? Is he abusive in other ways? How old are the DCs and is he actually their father? In the country you are resident would it be normal that you get 50:50 if you split? Because I can’t see why you stay unless you are frightened he would keep the house and kids.

My DH wants MIL to live with/near us to protect his inheritance
This is weird.

OP you've had the chats. It has gone nowhere. Why are you fooling yourself into believing you're going to have a different outcome from the same action??

You're looking at this all wrong.

Instead of saying your bil should do more, you should be telling yourself to do less.

You simply tell your husband you have only bought enough food for you and the children so he must do a separate shop for his own mother, with his/her own money and he will prepare her meals.

Then you stop making her food. He will not let his mother starve.

Same goes for her washing or whatever else you do for her.. You do not sit and entertain her in th e evening

Actually, maybe you should move MIL AND DH’s crap out of your home. You might find life cheaper and easier

Why are you paying the increased costs? Shouldn’t that at the very least be coming from a joint account?

If my DH moved his mother in without my permission, I would take my dc and move out. I love my MIL. It would have nothing to do with her. That kind of unilateral decision is a marriage ender.

What part of “no” is so difficult for you to say? It’s your house. Put your foot down.

You’ve made this situation for yourself by not saying “no”. The longer you don’t say “no”, the longer it’ll continue.

Put mil in the car with all her stuff and leave her with bil on the doorstep. I couldn’t be arsed with the lot of them. I’d bung dhs shit out the door too.
‘Off you all fuck!’
The only money I’d be spending is on a divorce lawyer.

Agree with everyone that you have a dh problem but also I always wonder on mn do people read back their ops. It's a bit one sided isnt it? You assume everything is fine and dandy at their house, that they're happy no doubt having to get financial help and living off no wages. As for him having form taking stuff, no doubt hes over there thinking your dh is the bad guy, trying to grab everything he can(you should remind both she's still alive and she'stheir mother!!!). I once told my granny I adored a painting she'd done. When she died and I took it as she had consistently made comments about how I should have it and enjoy it my dad got multiple comments about how i must have bullied her into it and insinuating i stole it. Also no wonder your dh is hiding out, much as the problem is with him not fixing this and talking to his family, he has a wife that's not happy, a mother that's not happy and a brother he's paranoid about and is no doubt the same to him!! I kind of feel sorry for your mil

id be telling him its either she goes or me and the kids go , hell would have frozen over first before i let her move in .

im getting the vibe that your marriage isnt all that fantastic ,as in your husband is very overbearing , you need to think would you be actually happier on your own with the kids .
but whatever you decide to do i wouldnt be cooking for her and entertaining her , your husband wanted her there , let him cook her meals , entertain her and clean after her , and thats what id be saying to him as well . id also just buy the kids and my own food , unless you mean business hes just going to keep on taking the mickey like this , or you could just save yourself all that aggro and leave him , frankly he sounds a bit unpleasant anyway , as in wants his elderly mother living with him so he can hopefully get some stuff when she bumps off ,

I agree that the DBIL will probably inherit all regardless what you do.

So as people can live looooong lives I would tell DH he has to sort this and find somewhere for his DM.

And start looking for somewhere for you and DCs to move to.

No adult over than you poor MIL come across well in this scenario

In fact that’s an undestatement

I meant to say

No adult comes across well in this scenario other than your MIL

Actually that is an understatement

Op, can you go out of the house and leave your dh to sort out his own mother and dcs?
As soon as the kids have had their dinner and are sorted just leave him to it. Make your dh take responsibility.