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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult dc paying their way?

112 replies

poormee · 05/04/2022 08:11

Dh and I are working class we manage ok but do not have loads of spare cash. But we are lucky we can afford our bills. We have 3 dc, one is 8, one is 20 and at uni and the eldest is 22 and moved out this year. When we do anything together there's always an assumption that we pay so say we are having a meal out obviously we would pay for our self's and dc8 but the elder two expect us to pay for them which gets expensive. An example we went out for dh bday, both adult dc were drinking alcohol but did not offer to contribute (tbf we didn't ask) so we paid the lot. Next day we all took dc 8 to a soft play and we got everyone drinks. Older dc wanted lunch but we had eaten before (we did tell them we would be so they could too) I said they could get something if they want but we weren't. they didn't want to pay for themselves as not cheap but kept moaning they were Hungary. Dc20 is at uni, course and accom is covered by loan, we pay his food and he has a part time job for socialising etc. Dc22 works full time but is low wage she pays her own bills at her rented flat. They both have expensive tastes re clothes/lifestyle which is why they often don't have much money. When is it reasonable to stop paying for adult dc? If we were rich obviously it wouldn't be issue but we are at a point where we don't do as much as can't afford to take them too.

OP posts:

phishy · 05/04/2022 08:17

YANBU. They sound very entitled. Slightly different circumstances as my mum was a SAHM then widow with limited income, but I stopped getting pocket money and paid for my own meals and mum’s from when I was 16. I took mum on holiday abroad and paid for us both when I was 21.

I don’t you’re doing them any favours indulging them as they sound entitled. Fine to pay on their birthdays but when they get jobs they should pay for themselves. Does 20yo have a PT job?

00100001 · 05/04/2022 08:19

Tell them, from now on, they pay for their meals out etc, unless you tell them otherwise

Bdhntbis · 05/04/2022 08:20

I think it’s reasonable to say they need to pay their way but the consequence of that may be that they say they can’t come out for a meal as they can’t/don’t want to afford it. I know it’s a bit brutal but at that age their social lives with their friends most likely take priority. You could always go a bit half way and say you’ll pay for food or drinks but can’t keep paying for both.
I’d suggest you treat them like the adults they are and explain it in the way you are now.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 05/04/2022 08:25

I have adult dc. The dd would automatically pay her way. Ds's 20 and 18 are told when we invite them they need to pay their own meal /entry /etc... I have under 18 dc also.

00100001 · 05/04/2022 08:25

I can't fathom how they aren't paying for YOUR meals out on occasion. DS18 works p/t at Costa around his A levels and take pride in being able to take me or DH out for lunch, or sometimes will pay for a small shop etc. He'll happily spend around £20-30 of his money on us all a month. He also pays for most everything he eats outside the house. Happily throwing his money at Greggs etc as he's "starving" and needs those two slices of pepperoni pizza and a sausage roll

00100001 · 05/04/2022 08:27

And he'll definitely just buy odd groceries we need and not expect to be paid back, like he bought a loaf of bread the other day on the way home from college as he used the last bits for his lunch.

StrawberryPot · 05/04/2022 08:31

We also have dcs in their 20s and would pay in the circumstances you describe. I can't imagine a student and someone living independently on minimum wages are particularly flush with cash. However that's easy for me to say as we can afford to pay. If we couldn't I'd probably not be organising activities where I couldn't afford to pay for all my dcs.

Perfectly reasonable though if you do want to organise meals out etc but tell your older two upfront they'll have to pay for themselves. Just be prepared for them not to come.

gogohm · 05/04/2022 08:32

We pay for ours still but they are still at university, no younger ones

StrawberryPot · 05/04/2022 08:35

00100001 - that's nice. But your ds is presumably living rent and bill free? Unlike the op's dcs.

lovingtheheat · 05/04/2022 08:37

Also working class here. My sisters and I are the dc. My parents go to great lengths to pay but not because we ask. If anything we have always tried to pay first but my parents can get very upset about it. Your kids should be making an effort to pay even the one at uni

phishy · 05/04/2022 08:40

@StrawberryPot

00100001 - that's nice. But your ds is presumably living rent and bill free? Unlike the op's dcs.

OP’s 20yo has his accommodation and food paid for him, and he has a PT job to pay for socialising so should pay out of that.

OP’s 22yo does rent her place but likes expensive clothes and lifestyle so should pay herself.

The only thing is how often are these meals happening and who is requesting them? They shouldn’t feel obliged to attend.

Roselilly36 · 05/04/2022 08:42

Our DS’ are 20 & 19, we still pay for everything, food, clothes, trainers, toiletries, family holidays. As we want them to save their money, which they do, so they have a decent amount for a deposit when they leave home. I can’t see them leaving anytime soon, unless they decided to get a place together.

HappyGoDucky · 05/04/2022 08:46

If you feel this way I'd stop inviting or accepting invites for meals out/activities as it's very clear you and your DC can't really afford it.

I won't be asking my DC to pay their way for restaurant meals until I know they are financially comfortable- I'm hoping they will slowly be saving for house deposit and don't want to hinder that or make life completely miserable.

TheSandgroper · 05/04/2022 08:51

Now is a good time. Decide going forward what you can manage and advise them of your expectations.

As mentioned on the current hen party thread, never apologise for saying you can’t afford it.

Original poster

poormee · 05/04/2022 08:52

There just always seems like to be something like dh birthday, then it was dd birthday and we ended up paying for everyone plus her bf! Who works full time and lives at home rent free!! They always expect a meal plus gifts on birthdays. I think this stems from lockdown when we would get a takeaway for bdays as we were all stuck in together. Also was dd graduation so we paid for a meal out again. Just been a lot lately need to find a way to curb it abit. I think because when dd was at uni ds was still at school so if we did anything he wasn't working so would need to be paid for but seemed mean to ask dd to pay her self but now ds just says but you paid for dd when she was at uni. But they also do it if we are just hanging out, say nipping to shops will want coffee or lunch

OP posts:

phishy · 05/04/2022 08:57

Could you have a meal at home instead for the next year or so so they get out of the habit of expecting to be paid for?

And if a meal is too much when you and DH are busy, could you have a cake at home, with snacks?

Tell dd now that she can’t expect her boyfriend to be paid for, she needs to learn that lesson regardless.

What do they for you and DH when it’s your birthdays?

whatisforteamum · 05/04/2022 08:59

We are working class so never eat out or go to the pub.
Dcs paid some housekeeping as soon as they started working.
Ds is 23 and loves to eat out and treats himself a lot.
He does contribute to household and agreed to buy food shop once a month online.
Clothes, toiletries and driving lessons paid for by both dc.
They need to know the value of money.

00100001 · 05/04/2022 09:03

@StrawberryPot

00100001 - that's nice. But your ds is presumably living rent and bill free? Unlike the op's dcs.

Hardly the point.... The uni child has a PT job with no other bills ...

The older child works full time and is spending money on luxuries.

Not like either of them are relying on food vouchers to feed their kids...

SueSaid · 05/04/2022 09:05

I wouldn't take my family out for dh's birthday if we couldn't afford to pay for our dc.

Just have a buffet at home or something next time?

I'm all for adult dc paying their way bills wise etc but family celebrations? No.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 09:05

In your position I would pay if you are inviting them to lunch or dinner, but make it clear this will not include alcohol and on this occasion no girlfriends or boyfriends. If they still order drinks, then I would ask the waiter to separate the bill from the drinks and they pay.

You are not a cash point, and it sounds like you are feeling used and abused.

I am of the view that if you invite others out, you pay. So perhaps stop inviting them? It is normal to pay for family birthday dinners, but not an extended guest list that they are directing. I would start to formalise things and put some boundaries in place or just take out your 8 year old and stop inviting the adult children? Or do a cheaper buffet at home with inexpensive drinks and ask them to bring a bottle of wine and join you.

They are not children, but they are still young and struggling so I would always try to be as generous as I could, funds allowing.

00100001 · 05/04/2022 09:05

@StrawberryPot I'd say the uni kid is in the same situation as my DS. so there's literally no reason why OPs lad couldn't buy his mum a coffee once in a while. I'll bet he finds money to buy a round for his mates down the pub or a takeaway...

ThatsBullshirt · 05/04/2022 09:10

I am from working class parents with several siblings (youngest 24, oldest now 42). On the very rare occasion we go out for dinner (celebratory only) or all go on holiday together we all pay our own way. I know my parents struggled for money while we were all growing up and still don't have lots extra now so I wouldn't dream of expecting them to pay.

My in-laws, on the other hand, are more middle class (in terms of money now) pay for everything because they insist and they want to. We do occasionally pay for takeaway or drinks if we've gone out for dinner but they insist on paying for meals out, takeaways, going on holiday. That being said, all they would have to do is give us a heads up about needing to pay our share for a meal etc. and we would.

I think you just need to communicate to your adult children that now they are grown and presumably have their own money that they need to start paying their share as, if they don't, you can't afford to keep going for dinner etc.

MatildaTheCat · 05/04/2022 09:11

I agree with @phishy. Make some changes but without saying much. Have a meal at home and ask the DC to do a pudding, go for a picnic etc and ask them to bring along a bottle of wine. If they complain just say times are tight for everyone which is true.

If and when you do go out again agree beforehand who pays for what. They’ll be earning soon and even then they won’t like paying unless you’ve already made changes. We still mostly end up paying for out 30 ish DC and their partners. It’s a habit that has to be broken at some point.

ExConstance · 05/04/2022 09:12

I have two grown up sons, both live independently, the youngest with his girlfriend. They are all joining us for Easter, and to celebrate DS1's birthday. DS1 earns a lot more than me or DH. We will be going out for a family meal and cocktails and yes, you've guessed it, we will be expected to pay for everything, just because we always have. And of course we will. It is OK this year because we are both working and I have had a little Covid related bonus I have put on one side for this but year we will be retired and things will have to change. I feel sad in a way because I like treating them but a bit sad as they seem to take it for granted.

StrawberryPot · 05/04/2022 09:13

@00100001 -

"I'd say the uni kid is in the same situation as my DS...."

If you think that then you're both in for a shock if your ds goes to uni.

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