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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult dc paying their way?

112 replies

poormee · 05/04/2022 08:11

Dh and I are working class we manage ok but do not have loads of spare cash. But we are lucky we can afford our bills. We have 3 dc, one is 8, one is 20 and at uni and the eldest is 22 and moved out this year. When we do anything together there's always an assumption that we pay so say we are having a meal out obviously we would pay for our self's and dc8 but the elder two expect us to pay for them which gets expensive. An example we went out for dh bday, both adult dc were drinking alcohol but did not offer to contribute (tbf we didn't ask) so we paid the lot. Next day we all took dc 8 to a soft play and we got everyone drinks. Older dc wanted lunch but we had eaten before (we did tell them we would be so they could too) I said they could get something if they want but we weren't. they didn't want to pay for themselves as not cheap but kept moaning they were Hungary. Dc20 is at uni, course and accom is covered by loan, we pay his food and he has a part time job for socialising etc. Dc22 works full time but is low wage she pays her own bills at her rented flat. They both have expensive tastes re clothes/lifestyle which is why they often don't have much money. When is it reasonable to stop paying for adult dc? If we were rich obviously it wouldn't be issue but we are at a point where we don't do as much as can't afford to take them too.

OP posts:

mizzo · 05/04/2022 10:05

@JaniieJones

'If you invite you pay. I’m not sure why the 20 or 22 year old would be at soft play again unless invited tbh. Even as a parent soft play is hell.'

This!

I can't get my head around the soft play thing either

I'd expect to have to bribe my older DC with drinks and lunch if I wanted them to come with me to a play barn!

LadyT27 · 05/04/2022 10:17

YUNBU. My family are working class as I soon as I was in college/uni, I had a part time job, I paid for most things myself. My mum would buy me a 'food shop' every once and a while to help out or sometimes help out if I have a big utility bill etc buy I would never assume or expect help and was always grateful. If we went out for meals, I and my siblings paid for ourselves and would only have our meal paid for if it was our birthday. We would also do rounds for drinks and everyone paid their own way. Although my parents could pay their bills, we knew they didn't have a lot of money left over so never expected to be fully supported once we could get jobs etc.
When I went into full time work on a low pay, I treated my parents when I was able to.
We had a cousin that expected every thing to be paid for and always accepted drinks and never put their hand in their pocket. The rest of us stopped including them in rounds and surprise surprise they stopped attending family events shortly after!
I would be very disappointed if my my children were still assuming everything to paid for at their age and never give back. They are old enough to know now. I think you should have a 'chat' with them.

Brainwave89 · 05/04/2022 10:27

We funded ours through University- Our decision and we could do it. We did not expect them to get PT jobs. We have been clear though that when they work we will help then get on the housing ladder, but we will not be funding them. I do have friends with children in their 30s where they as a matter of course are still paying rent and mobile phone bills. I do not think this is sustainable.

Original poster

poormee · 05/04/2022 10:28

@mizzo they had both come home for dh bday so then we felt obliged to invite them out as they said they didn't want to babysit and wouldn't have come home if they had known. The following day we said we were going soft play and they said they would come. We were clear it was coffee only but they obviously thought we might treat them while out so didn't eat before we left.

OP posts:

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 05/04/2022 10:34

We only go out for meals for special occasions, our oldest 3 are 19,20 and 22 and ALWAYS offer to pay their way. Sometimes we say no we'll pay then they'll get a round in. Younger ones are 17,15 and 9 and tbf even my 17 yo offers!

00100001 · 05/04/2022 10:34

[quote StrawberryPot]@00100001 -

"I'd say the uni kid is in the same situation as my DS...."

If you think that then you're both in for a shock if your ds goes to uni.
[/quote]
They're the same, in that both DS18 and OP20 are both having bills and food paid for (so are both "living for free" and both have part time jobs solely to fund socialising.

DS earns around £350-400 a month, and finds £20-30 a month willingly to buy us a lunch or a small shop or whatever.

What's so different about OPs son and mine?

mjf981 · 05/04/2022 10:37

They're your children. Just tell them.
For the soft play example - I'd just say 'no I'm not paying for your lunch. We can't afford it. You can make a sandwich when we get home.' If they moan, say 'well you buy your own if you like.' End of. Its not rude, its factual. Stop being so British and skirting around the issue!

billy1966 · 05/04/2022 10:43

[quote poormee]@mizzo they had both come home for dh bday so then we felt obliged to invite them out as they said they didn't want to babysit and wouldn't have come home if they had known. The following day we said we were going soft play and they said they would come. We were clear it was coffee only but they obviously thought we might treat them while out so didn't eat before we left. [/quote]
This reads as so rude OP.

Your standards and expectations of your children are very low if they have been taught to speak to you that way.

They don't sound like nice kids.

The sound spoiled and rude.

I would be so firmly shutting my purse in the face of what you have just written.

I would also feel embarrassed that my children were that way and that I was tolerating such rudeness.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 05/04/2022 10:44

In my experience, they will carry on acting like kids and assuming you will pay until you explicitly tell them you expect them to pay their way. My two still assume I'm paying unless I tell them I'm not and that I expect them to pay.

Weirdly, I discovered that when we went out for lunch with PIL DH was paying every time - I assumed MIL was paying . But then it was her saying 'let's go out' and booking the restaurant. I've sorted their finances now and realised they are extremely comfortably off so have told them it's their turn to pay next time!

Horst · 05/04/2022 10:47

So who was originally going to watching the younger one during the meal? As that reads that just you and dh where going to go out?

Beautiful3 · 05/04/2022 10:47

This is a difficult one. The only way around it is to cook a dinner and have everyone over. Ask the grown up children to bring alcohol/puddings. If you tell one grown up child, to pay for their own, they probably won't come. I do think that if you're inviting your children somewhere, to celebrate then, then you should pay. Unless you all agreed beforehand, that adult children pay for themselves.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 11:05

This can be easily fixed, but in a gentle way they need to be reminded that adults contribute, pay their way and they are expected to at least offer once in a while. Otherwise I think you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of handouts and expectation. Everything from free meals to full childcare. Set your stall out now, and be open and talk about it. "Dad and I are finding money is tight atm. Next time we go out for dinner it would be great if you can chip in" or we won't be going out, money is tricky can everyone bring some food on Sunday and we will eat at home instead.

It is okay to live within your means, and for your children to get into the habit of helping out/paying their way or you will end up with entitled adult children looking to you for everything, they need to understand the value of money and independence.

babywalker56 · 05/04/2022 11:18

@mjf981

They're your children. Just tell them. For the soft play example - I'd just say 'no I'm not paying for your lunch. We can't afford it. You can make a sandwich when we get home.' If they moan, say 'well you buy your own if you like.' End of. Its not rude, its factual. Stop being so British and skirting around the issue!

Literally this!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/04/2022 11:22

Two DDs early 20s here. We pay when we go out, we can afford to, if we couldn't I'd make it clear to them that they'd need to pay their own way or not come.

We went out at the weekend with one DD and her BF, they both offered to split the bill when it came. We paid, and they bought a round of drinks after.

It's the expectation OP that would rile me.

SueSaid · 05/04/2022 11:30

'I do have friends with children in their 30s where they as a matter of course are still paying rent and mobile phone bills'

Yes that is crazy. I have a friend who pays their dc's rent but they can afford it. They don't do it then complain about it.

I do think family celebrations are different though, of course it's the parents treat.

Proudboomer · 05/04/2022 11:41

My working adult children always pay their own way and often will pay for me as well. They earn more than me but are still at home saving deposits to buy. They pay house keeping every month without being asked although I only charge them what extra my bill are for them being home so a share of water, gas and electricity and they buy their own food plus if they are shopping and we need any household items like toilet roll and cleaning stuff they buy that as well and just add it to the pantry cupboard. One son wants super fast broadband as he works in IT and will often work at home plus he games so he also pays for that. They also pay for netflicks and prime as they mainly use it but it is available to me should I wish to.
No one gets or expects a free ride and we all chip in.

Therealjudgejudy · 05/04/2022 11:46

Sounds like you have raised two spoilt entitled now adults.

Time to speak up..

mumto2teenagers · 05/04/2022 11:49

If I invited my DD's (20 & 22) out for DH's birthday meal then I wouldn't expect them to pay.

At the soft play, I wouldn't offer food if I had told them before we were only getting coffees. DD's would buy their own if they chose to have food at the soft play.

RedPanda901 · 05/04/2022 11:58

I think if you've invited them out for an occasion like a birthday, then you pay. Just have an open conversation about it. Ask them what they think, now they are adults, is fair in terms of paying their way. You might find they won't come out though if you're not paying.

ProfYaffle · 05/04/2022 12:02

Now's an ideal time to talk about it with the cost of living crisis. I'd talk to them about that generally without necessarily linking it to meals out.

Next time an occasion rolls around be upfront 'it's Dad's birthday but we can't afford to take everyone out for a meal again so we're having cake and drinks at home instead'.

Agree re the soft play example as well, just say 'no we can't afford it, have a sandwich when we get home if you're hungry'.

Mondaymanic · 05/04/2022 12:03

I think that's awful of your children not to offer, no way would I have let or expected my parents to pay every time in those circumstances.

I think you'd be doing them a favour in the long run showing them that they have to pay their way in life!

LindaEllen · 05/04/2022 12:13

It's tough to set boundaries when you're so settled into the parent/child relationship, but it has to be done.

It's okay to subsidise them a little if, say, you want to help them save for their own place - but meals out and lots of alcohol is taking the piss, massively.

Talk to them about it. Tell them they're adults, and absolutely must start paying their own way.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 05/04/2022 12:38

I'm stuck in the middle - my DC expect us to pay, and my mum expects us to pay too. How did that happen?! My mum never even says thank you anymore - she just expects it. And yes - she can afford to pay for herself if she wanted to. She will only pay for a meal on birthdays ending with a zero.

rookiemere · 05/04/2022 13:03

They are at a transitional age, so you need to be very specific with them. It sounds like you were about the soft play, but they thought you would cave, so well done for not caving.

You need to say to them before you go out what your expectations are " We'll treat you to coffee but not for lunch" . It may mean they hang out with you a little less, but so be it. It's part of adulting to learn to have lunch before you go out if you don't want to spend ££ or at least bring a snack.

user1471457751 · 05/04/2022 13:54

Well your last post reads that you were planning to dump your 8 year old on them and get them to be unpaid babysitters (but without asking them in advance). Maybe they got their entitled attitude from their mum and dad

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