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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult dc paying their way?

112 replies

poormee · 05/04/2022 08:11

Dh and I are working class we manage ok but do not have loads of spare cash. But we are lucky we can afford our bills. We have 3 dc, one is 8, one is 20 and at uni and the eldest is 22 and moved out this year. When we do anything together there's always an assumption that we pay so say we are having a meal out obviously we would pay for our self's and dc8 but the elder two expect us to pay for them which gets expensive. An example we went out for dh bday, both adult dc were drinking alcohol but did not offer to contribute (tbf we didn't ask) so we paid the lot. Next day we all took dc 8 to a soft play and we got everyone drinks. Older dc wanted lunch but we had eaten before (we did tell them we would be so they could too) I said they could get something if they want but we weren't. they didn't want to pay for themselves as not cheap but kept moaning they were Hungary. Dc20 is at uni, course and accom is covered by loan, we pay his food and he has a part time job for socialising etc. Dc22 works full time but is low wage she pays her own bills at her rented flat. They both have expensive tastes re clothes/lifestyle which is why they often don't have much money. When is it reasonable to stop paying for adult dc? If we were rich obviously it wouldn't be issue but we are at a point where we don't do as much as can't afford to take them too.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 05/04/2022 09:15

Did they want to come to the soft play to see younger sibling play about? How expensive are the restaurants you're going to?
Agree with @HappyGoDucky If you feel this way I'd stop inviting or accepting invites for meals out/activities as it's very clear you and your DC can't really afford it.

notacooldad · 05/04/2022 09:15

My adult kids both have got a mortgage ( one is 22 and the other is 25, he started his mortgage for a year)
We don’t have a particularly large amount of money but I am happy to pick up the tab for them when we go to gigs, meals out, theatre etc.

The do offer to pay and every now and then I let them. I don’t want them to expect me to pay all the time but I remember what it was like when I first got my house and money was tight.

I’m also happy to pay for them to have odd weekends away and I have just payed DS1s car insurance and I’ve paid ds2s council tax for the year.
So to answer your question ‘ When is it reasonable to stop paying for adult dc?’ The answer is either when you want to ( which maybe never) or when you can’t afford to pay for things any more. There is also the other scenario which is when they become entitled and expect you to do it all the time. I would stop any handouts and treats there and then if I got wind they were taking advantage of me.

We are working class so never eat out or go to the pub
I’m a bit puzzled at this. Going to the pub is one of the most working class things that comes to mind when I think oaf what do working class people do. My local is full of Working class including me and DH!

Both are due a decent pay raise as this year so I’ll be able to ease off a bit.
I’m just glad that they have been in a position to buy their home so I don’t mind helping.

LizzieMacQueen · 05/04/2022 09:17

I think it depends on the situation. If you invite them out to celebrate your birthday ( or your DH as in this scenario ) then I think you should pay.

phishy · 05/04/2022 09:19

It probably differs from family to family. I grew up working class and see meals out as a bit of a waste when the money could be saved towards a new car or house extension (we would never take out a loan).

Yet DH also grew up working class and would think nothing of blowing £200+ on a meal for 2.

I think money, or lack thereof, affects people differently.

Horst · 05/04/2022 09:21

If you invite you pay. I’m not sure why the 20 or 22 year old would be at soft play again unless invited tbh. Even as a parent soft play is hell.

If you want them to pay for their meals you need to make this clearly but highly expect they will stop coming as paying for a meal out with your little sibling and parents vs a meal out with friends or partner the friends or partner is going to be the more fun event.

Cameleongirl · 05/04/2022 09:21

IMO, they’re at transition ages where parents would generally still pay for meals our, etc. But as PP’s have said, if you can’t, say so.

DH and I (late 40’s) both started paying for meals for our parents in our late 20’s and cover most things now. We’ve bought plane tickets for them in the past for holidays-I’d say we were covering everything by our mid-30’s.

ArtVandalay · 05/04/2022 09:22

Ours are 23 and 19. Younger is at uni ft, older one is doing master’s around working ft.

We pay for everything. I wouldn’t feel happy asking them to contribute to meals out etc. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a contribution if you need the money. I also think the way your own parents were/are is a factor.

The eldest is saving for a deposit, so I’d rather his money went there.

They are both very generous with presents etc.

Norgie · 05/04/2022 09:22

Mine started paying their own way for everything as soon as they started earning their own money.

phishy · 05/04/2022 09:23

@Horst

If you invite you pay. I’m not sure why the 20 or 22 year old would be at soft play again unless invited tbh. Even as a parent soft play is hell.

But the 20yo and 22yo are expecting meals out and presents on their birthday.

So it’s not like they are being forced to attend these meals.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 09:23

As a young adult the only time I would see my parents would be for a free lunch or dinner, as I enjoyed being with my friends at that age. I agree with horst one they have to pay you are unlikely to see them!

phishy · 05/04/2022 09:24

@Swayingpalmtrees that’s sad, I can’t imagine not wanting to spend time with a decent parent, at any age.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 09:24

I also don't think you should bankroll their birthday meals if you can't afford to, offer a cake and drinks at home instead.

billy1966 · 05/04/2022 09:26

Are you afraid of them?

I cannot imagine being silent in the face of such rudeness and entitled behaviour.

Your daughter including her boyfriend without running it past you.

Stop ALL celebrations and outings and tell them why.

This is not normal behaviour OP.

You have created this situation so you now need to kill it.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 09:31

I didn't have great parents phishy so I preferred the world outside of the family unit from a young age.
However, if money is tight most young people will choose to spend it on having fun, and not necessarily family meals with an 8 year old at soft play or family type restaurants, and that was the case with all of my friends.

phishy · 05/04/2022 09:32

Fair point, sorry @Swayingpalmtrees

Girlmum91 · 05/04/2022 09:37

Probably best to not go to restaurants when the eldest is home and if they ask why then explain that money is tight. Nothing wrong with being honest.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 09:38

No worries at all phishy I am grateful my teens seem to still enjoy seeing us, and I learnt a lot from my own experiences as a child, so i hope I have managed a better outcome for my own children. I was very poor as a young person, and only just affording the packet noodles once a day (great for the waist line) so any hope of a cooked meal was always an incentive to put up with my father!
I hope op can find a way forward that makes her children feel welcome. I often think the foundations that go down now as an adult to adult relationship set the tone for the future. It is always better to have a warm and inclusive event, that brings everyone together even if it is a very cheap pasta dish and a few drinks to share, it does not have to be costly dinners out.

Horst · 05/04/2022 09:40

Just because they expect a meal out for birthdays doesn’t mean they get it but someone started that traditions that then become expected and again who actually books/arranges it. If it’s the op still then basically she’s the one inviting them again to a celebration meal for their birthday. If they are inviting their parents to somewhere they have booked then they are the inviter.

We let the children pick birthday dinner. As in home cooked or take away, my In laws do birthday meal out or take away. My parents do take away. Tends to be whatever your parents started that becomes the expected and tradition.

negomi90 · 05/04/2022 09:43

I think it depends on the family. There is no right or wrong.
My parents split when I was young. When I was in uni if either went out to eat with me they'd pay. Now I'm working my dad still pays if we go somewhere and he wouldn't want me to. My mum and I tend to go more even but I often pay more overall (family holiday coming up and I'm paying for my own hotel room big enough to have my teenage siblings share with me). Neither parent is wrong but you need to talk to your kids about money and your concerns and set expectations in advance.

Renovationstation · 05/04/2022 09:45

I think on their birthdays make it clear they can either have a gift or you will pay for their meal out.

If you're inviting them out to celebrate someone else's birthday I think paying for the food and soft drinks but they buy their own alcohol is reasonable. If that's not affordable just go out you and DH then host a nice family meal at home for everyone.

I think transitioning them at this age is fine if money is tight, they're old enough to understand cost of living increases and no reason you have to scrimp or for the little one to miss out on the experiences they had as children.

phishy · 05/04/2022 09:47

@Swayingpalmtrees

No worries at all phishy I am grateful my teens seem to still enjoy seeing us, and I learnt a lot from my own experiences as a child, so i hope I have managed a better outcome for my own children. I was very poor as a young person, and only just affording the packet noodles once a day (great for the waist line) so any hope of a cooked meal was always an incentive to put up with my father! I hope op can find a way forward that makes her children feel welcome. I often think the foundations that go down now as an adult to adult relationship set the tone for the future. It is always better to have a warm and inclusive event, that brings everyone together even if it is a very cheap pasta dish and a few drinks to share, it does not have to be costly dinners out.

It sounds like you are doing well with your dc.

We (family of 8) were very poor growing up but had good parents, it seems we are shaped by our childhood experiences. I have to urge myself to loosen the purse strings now and then

BlingLoving · 05/04/2022 09:48

I think this absolutely varies from family to family but that at some point each family needs to look at the way it's working and if it doesn't make certain members happy, then change it.

So, your DC expect to be paid for. You feel this is not something your'e willing/able to do. In which case, the conversation should be, "right, we can all go out for dad's birthday but we can't afford to pay for 4 adult meals so either everyone chips in or let's get a cheaper takeaway/I'll cook at home".

These sort of informal conversations have happened with us regularly. We'll agree as a family if something is too expensive or not and what the alternatives are. Having said that, at least one of my siblings has form for never putting their hand in their pocket.....

girlmom21 · 05/04/2022 09:49

I've never been for a meal with my parents or DP's parents and not at least offered to pay my way since I've been working.

It's such an entitled attitude.

Tell them they're adults now. They need to pay their way unless you explicitly tell them you're paying. Set their expectations for birthdays and Christmas. You simply can't afford to treat them like children forever.

If you can't tell them now you're going to end up in all kinds of grief when they have their own families.

Seleniummillenium · 05/04/2022 09:51

We have totally the same issue. Our step son is 28. He has a good well paid job, has his own house. Whenever we suggest going out for tea, lunch etc, he always agrees and will often have an expensive thing off the menu, ie steak.

In all the years he’s been an adult and he's come out with us for meals or lunches, he’s never once offered to pay or even paid for his own meal. He’s always just assumed we would pay. The only time he’s ever been put in an embarrassing situation with it was when we went out for my husband’s birthday meal and his new girlfriend basically told him to get his hand in his pocket.

We have another adult son together and he offers to pay frequently.

It is annoying but it’s something that’s always happened. Like @ExConstance it’s the assumption that bothers me more than the actual paying.

SueSaid · 05/04/2022 09:53

'If you invite you pay. I’m not sure why the 20 or 22 year old would be at soft play again unless invited tbh. Even as a parent soft play is hell.'

This!

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