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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult dc paying their way?

112 replies

poormee · 05/04/2022 08:11

Dh and I are working class we manage ok but do not have loads of spare cash. But we are lucky we can afford our bills. We have 3 dc, one is 8, one is 20 and at uni and the eldest is 22 and moved out this year. When we do anything together there's always an assumption that we pay so say we are having a meal out obviously we would pay for our self's and dc8 but the elder two expect us to pay for them which gets expensive. An example we went out for dh bday, both adult dc were drinking alcohol but did not offer to contribute (tbf we didn't ask) so we paid the lot. Next day we all took dc 8 to a soft play and we got everyone drinks. Older dc wanted lunch but we had eaten before (we did tell them we would be so they could too) I said they could get something if they want but we weren't. they didn't want to pay for themselves as not cheap but kept moaning they were Hungary. Dc20 is at uni, course and accom is covered by loan, we pay his food and he has a part time job for socialising etc. Dc22 works full time but is low wage she pays her own bills at her rented flat. They both have expensive tastes re clothes/lifestyle which is why they often don't have much money. When is it reasonable to stop paying for adult dc? If we were rich obviously it wouldn't be issue but we are at a point where we don't do as much as can't afford to take them too.

OP posts:
lap90 · 05/04/2022 13:56

Just tell them your plans and make it clear everyone pays for themself... which also may mean they start opting out of family outings.

Tbh, i'm surprised 20 year olds went along to soft play anyway.

MichelleScarn · 05/04/2022 14:17

they had both come home for dh bday so then we felt obliged to invite them out as they said they didn't want to babysit and wouldn't have come home if they had known.
So they'd come home to celebrate dad's birthday, but you were going to go out without them? So they don't live with you, had paid to travel home?

waterrat · 05/04/2022 14:24

I actually think it's probably far more common that at this age parents pay still. I totally understand how expensive that must get but you need a tactful way to talk to them. Why not explain you are short of money at the moment and need need cut down

I agree with others thst a nice way to handle it would be to assume they can't afford restaurants and when you are with them cook at home or get tskeaway you will get nice food for a lot less. Tell them at the time that it's cost cutting and they will get the ppint.

I think it's unfair to criticise them. When I was in my early 20s a restaurant meal would just not have been my choice of spending priority.

And if you can't afford to take them out on their own birthdays then that needs spelling out. They are probably a bit naive about costs

CareBear50 · 05/04/2022 14:28

I think I'd say something like....in future if we are going out fir food I will pay up to 50pc of your food/drink up to a value of £x. That way they will be more careful about what they order ???

Snoozer11 · 05/04/2022 14:31

In this situation I wouldn't expect any of your children to pay. But I would also expect them to have roughly the same number of drinks and courses as you, unless they buy their own extras.

Momicrone · 05/04/2022 14:46

I would pay as long as I can if they are students until their earnings get much higher

Tumbleweed101 · 05/04/2022 14:53

My 21yo has a full time job, still at home. She pays housekeeping and always pays for herself and sometimes me if we go out together. I'm a single parent with two still in school.

Original poster
poormee · 05/04/2022 16:11

@user1471457751

Well your last post reads that you were planning to dump your 8 year old on them and get them to be unpaid babysitters (but without asking them in advance). Maybe they got their entitled attitude from their mum and dad
We asked if they wanted to babysit so we could go out they said no. So then we all went out instead. We could have stayed in but dh wanted a bit of a treat we assumed they would get some drinks but they did not.
OP posts:
Original poster
poormee · 05/04/2022 16:14

@LikeABreathRipplingBy

I'm stuck in the middle - my DC expect us to pay, and my mum expects us to pay too. How did that happen?! My mum never even says thank you anymore - she just expects it. And yes - she can afford to pay for herself if she wanted to. She will only pay for a meal on birthdays ending with a zero.
Oh that sucks, me and dh were talking about this. We rarely go out with either set of parents but if we do my parents tend to offer to treat although we never expect it and dh parents we always split bill. ( weirdly dh parents are better off than mine) we don't tend to offer to pay for either unless it was a thank you or birthday treat.
OP posts:
Original poster
poormee · 05/04/2022 16:17

@Horst

So who was originally going to watching the younger one during the meal? As that reads that just you and dh where going to go out?
We hadn't planned anything it was last minute if they hadn't come back we would either gone out with dc8 or stayed in
OP posts:
Neverhot · 05/04/2022 16:19

My family are all working class and my parents would never expect me to pay when out for a family meal and I'm 36 😳

LeftieLucy · 05/04/2022 16:27

My oldest 2 are 17 and 18. They both work full time and pay their own way. They both actually have more disposable income than I do!
They pay £200 keep each month which covers everything at home and if we have a takeaway or meal/drinks out they for pay their share. When I can afford it I’ll treat them every now and again but I'm on a low income with 2 under 10

KELLOGSspeck · 05/04/2022 16:37

I'm not sure why a 20 and 22 year olds would want to cone along to a soft play. The 22 year-old I would advise her to flat share to save money...

I think you obviously need to have a word with your older kids and explain you won't be paying and you have your own plans to save.

Horst · 05/04/2022 16:46

So they came back to visit dad on his birthday. Costing whatever from wherever they live, I’m guessing brought gifts for dad too. You had no plans, dad then decided hey let’s go for a meal for my birthday as a treat.

Certainly sounds like a parent paying trip to eat out tbh.

SalsaLove · 05/04/2022 16:58

My PIL always paid for me and DH until I told DH to man up and get his money out ahead of time. To ask for the bill. His parents were surprised the first couple of times but my DH was happy to do it and felt like an ‘adult’. Not working class or entitlement but more how his parents did things. They wanted to treat us but at 4 times a year in their retirement it seemed like a lot.

CatsArePeople · 05/04/2022 16:58

With adults, you should be able to communicate these things. Like, ok, today's treat is on us, but tomorrow you pay.

Blossom64265 · 05/04/2022 17:07

I would expect to be fully supporting a student at university. That doesn’t mean you are an unending cash machine. It’s perfectly fine to have a budget and stick to it. Drinks are not a necessity. Neither is eating out during every outing. Support means necessities like rent and groceries.

It’s nice to treat your kids in their 20s, but it’s ok to have a budget for that too. A home cooked meal is often really appreciated and likely is going to be much more affordable than a night out. I also never expected to drink if my parents took us out to dinner as it just made the meal too expensive.

We are in our late 40s and our parents still sometimes have us over for dinner. It’s not so much about the money at this point. We are likely to bring a bottle of wine or a contribution that covers the cost of our meal, it’s about the time to prep the home cooked meal which is something that is incredibly scarce for us, but that they have a good amount of since they are retired.

SixteenTwelve · 05/04/2022 17:22

I am the child in this situation. It’s super awkward partly because there are age gaps between me and my siblings which mean we have entered different life stages at different times.

I think it very much depends on where you are going and what you are doing and whether it is something your DC could reasonably afford to do/would choose to do without you.

Both my parents and DPs parents generally pay but we occasionally foot the bill as a gesture and if there are a lot of people (eg. Everyone’s partner and kids as well) we just agree who is paying for what in advance.

mamabeeboo · 05/04/2022 17:22

I've been on the other end of that, as an adult child who did expect to be paid for. The only reason I felt like that was because my parents never said otherwise, so I just assumed they were okay with it.

Then a few months later, DM said that she would like us to agree who is paying for what before we went. So it was clear. I was happy to pay for myself, and that was the end of that. I think that's key in your OP that you're missing. You need to agree what the cost split will be before you agree to go for dinner or whatever. Then if they don't want to go, then that's their choice.

StaplesCorner · 05/04/2022 17:24

Lovely thread on here recently about how much MNetters appreciate the thoughtful things their parents do for them, some posters in their 60s too, somethings cost money some didn't. I was amazed as the usual stance on MN is one a child turns 16 they are entitled little shits what with all their free heating, food and accommodation etc. ... Hmm

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4519477-Little-thoughtful-things-your-parents-still-do-for-you\

Ultimately can you afford to treat your DC? If you genuinely can't then they'll have to get used to it, but if you can and choose not to then I'd say that was pretty crap but I might be in the minority. Personally I love paying for things for my adult DDs.

MissMaple82 · 05/04/2022 17:25

I could understand if they were late 20s or 30's they are still fairly young. I wouldn't begrudge paying for my children's meals out!

KELLOGSspeck · 05/04/2022 17:25

@mamabeeboo

I've been on the other end of that, as an adult child who did expect to be paid for. The only reason I felt like that was because my parents never said otherwise, so I just assumed they were okay with it.

Then a few months later, DM said that she would like us to agree who is paying for what before we went. So it was clear. I was happy to pay for myself, and that was the end of that. I think that's key in your OP that you're missing. You need to agree what the cost split will be before you agree to go for dinner or whatever. Then if they don't want to go, then that's their choice.

Why would you assume though? Just because it is your mum/dad I don't get it tbh. You wouldn't assume your friend pays for everything so to assume you must lack awareness to some extent. I would feel uncomfortable and would offer purely on good manners.
AbsentmindedWoman · 05/04/2022 17:39

[quote poormee]@mizzo they had both come home for dh bday so then we felt obliged to invite them out as they said they didn't want to babysit and wouldn't have come home if they had known. The following day we said we were going soft play and they said they would come. We were clear it was coffee only but they obviously thought we might treat them while out so didn't eat before we left. [/quote]
How much was travel home from uni or work?

Did they come home expecting to spend the birthday with you and your DH, and you expected that they would babysit so you and DH could go out just the two of you?

It sounds like lots of crossed wires...

I do find it bizarre you think they only went to soft play to cadge some crappy food Confused I'd never have done that as a student and nor would my friends! It sounds maybe like they wanted to spend more time hanging out together?

AbsentmindedWoman · 05/04/2022 17:40

Are the eldest two biologically yours and your husband's kids?

Or are either of you a step parent?

mizzo · 05/04/2022 17:46

[quote poormee]@mizzo they had both come home for dh bday so then we felt obliged to invite them out as they said they didn't want to babysit and wouldn't have come home if they had known. The following day we said we were going soft play and they said they would come. We were clear it was coffee only but they obviously thought we might treat them while out so didn't eat before we left. [/quote]
Oh dear OP. This doesn't paint them in a very good light. I think you need to have a chat with them.