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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DF (father) here?

107 replies

Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 10:55

My DF turned up at my house on Saturday and said his partner had kicked him out, they have been together for 12+ years and he was living in her house so she had every right to kick him out. I didn’t offer him a sofa to sleep on so sat night he slept in his car. Yesterday I got home from shopping and he was in my house and hasn’t left since, declared he was sleeping on the sofa last night.

I am a single parent with 2 teens, both autistic, we haven’t had a man stay in our home for 6 years so teens are used to it being all female household, so it’s a huge change for them having my DF here. I’m also used to having my own space. I don’t have a spare room, my house is already too small for the 3 of us (DD’s have tiny box rooms), I also claim housing benefit as I’m DD’s carer, so technically I can’t have anyone else living here.

My DF will make me feel very guilty if I suggest him finding somewhere else to sleep, he obviously thinks he’s welcome here when at no point have I invited him to stay. I know I have to be thought with him but he’s in his late 60’s and his health isn’t that great.

AIBU for not wanting him here?

How do I tell him.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 04/04/2022 10:59

I mean he's your dad and unless you two really aren't close I can't imagine letting sleep in his car instead of letting him on your couch for a few days till he gets himself sorted. Does he have some form of income to be able to get himself his own place to stay? Have you talked to him about why he can't stay with you for long?

Besttobe8001 · 04/04/2022 11:01

@AryaStarkWolf

I mean he's your dad and unless you two really aren't close I can't imagine letting sleep in his car instead of letting him on your couch for a few days till he gets himself sorted. Does he have some form of income to be able to get himself his own place to stay? Have you talked to him about why he can't stay with you for long?
No, it's his responsibility to find somewhere to live and the money to do so. He needs to present at the council as homeless and apply for benefits. He can seriously impact the OP's income and ability to look after her children.

He can't just turn up and announce he's staying.

IsDaveThere · 04/04/2022 11:01

Unless there is some massive back story that we are not aware of, i can't believe that you let your DF (who is not in the best of health) sleep in his car!

I can understand you not wanting him there for an extended period of time but for a couple of nights, I would have let him have the sofa.

Cherrysoup · 04/04/2022 11:03

You have to tell him he can’t stay. Did the kids let him in? Help him sort out emergency housing if needed, he has been made homeless. Does he work/have money?

dancingdaisies · 04/04/2022 11:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

TabithaTittlemouse · 04/04/2022 11:06

I couldn’t let my dad sleep in his car. At least let him stay for a few days to work out what he’s going to do.
A few nights on the sofa isn’t the same as moving in.

ThePlantsitter · 04/04/2022 11:08

I'm presuming your dad isn't the nice cosy M&S jumper type who will bumblingly fix your leaky radiator while he's there. Mine isn't either but presumably those who are saying 'I can't believe you..' only have experience of that type of dad.

You have to be honest and direct and sit through the uncomfortable feeling that causes you. Don't feel guilty, for a start if you will get thrown out of the flat for having an extra person there he needs to g straight away. Why not start by thinking about where he CAN go and help him sort that out? Does he have money?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:08

He has money, he could easily go and stay in a travel lodge for a few days. He is retired but still does some work.

I stupidly left the back door unlocked yesterday and he let himself in, he had been cutting my grass for me whilst he waited for me to return and then realised the back door was unlocked.

Of course I don’t want him sleeping in his car but he doesn’t seen to be in a hurry to find so,e where now he’s here. He has a Campervan but it has no MOT (he’s just finished converting it), so if he putts it through a MOT he could live in it, but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to do this.

OP posts:
wednesday32 · 04/04/2022 11:09

I mean, every family is different but I could not let my dad sleep in his car while being unwell and going through a tough time. After all my dad did for me, how could I not? Families should support one another where possible. As long as you’re ok knowing if you were in need someone would expect you to sleep in your car with your kids then that’s ok.
If you can’t host him, could you speak with other family or book him a premier inn for a few nights and go through what his options are with getting housing and income.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/04/2022 11:09

@Besttobe8001 fair enough if that's how you and your family roll, I guess?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:10

@ThePlantsitter

I'm presuming your dad isn't the nice cosy M&S jumper type who will bumblingly fix your leaky radiator while he's there. Mine isn't either but presumably those who are saying 'I can't believe you..' only have experience of that type of dad.

You have to be honest and direct and sit through the uncomfortable feeling that causes you. Don't feel guilty, for a start if you will get thrown out of the flat for having an extra person there he needs to g straight away. Why not start by thinking about where he CAN go and help him sort that out? Does he have money?

He will fix things whilst here but will also moan about the mess and how we live. He’s already done a few jobs in the garden. Of course I love my dad but he’s not the easiest person to have around, which is why my mother divorced him and why his partner has had enough.
OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 04/04/2022 11:12

I think in my head it comes down to did he house you? Was he a present dad? Did he raise you and help you when you moved out and all that? Then I would say yabu
If he was a pathetic once every other weekend dad with zero support, nah kick that cunt out.

Sapphirejane · 04/04/2022 11:12

As others have said unless there is a huge backstory I wouldn’t turn a homeless family member away after a break up. He is probably grieving his relationship and just needs some support. Can you help him go to the council? I appreciate social housing is limited but if he is late 60s he might be higher priority. I also don’t understand the bit about an all female household, I’d understand the issue if it was a male partner or friend changing the dynamic but it is their grandfather.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:13

@IsDaveThere

Unless there is some massive back story that we are not aware of, i can't believe that you let your DF (who is not in the best of health) sleep in his car!

I can understand you not wanting him there for an extended period of time but for a couple of nights, I would have let him have the sofa.

He has money, he drives around in a new Range Rover, he could easily stay in a hotel. I didn’t think he would sleep in his car, which is why I didn’t offer for him to stay the first night.
OP posts:
Besttobe8001 · 04/04/2022 11:14

[quote AryaStarkWolf]@Besttobe8001 fair enough if that's how you and your family roll, I guess?[/quote]
My dad would have rung me and said "I'm sorry love, I've got nowhere else to go, I know it's not convenient for you but can I stay for a few days while I insure the camper and I'll be out of your hair by Friday?" And I'd have said "of course dad, happy to help".

He wouldn't have let himself in by the back door, plonked himself on the sofa and announced he was staying without so much of a question. I know this type of CF family member and you need to be firm with them.

girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 11:14

he had been cutting my grass for me whilst he waited for me to return

So he's good enough to do favours for you but not good enough to put him up for a few nights?

Just ask him what his plan is for finding somewhere long term but let him stay a few nights

abigailsnan · 04/04/2022 11:15

I can understand your reasons perfectly can you not just put up with him for a couple of days and get him on to the local housing list in your area,there will be emergency accommodation available hopefully,dont let him get too comfortable,is there no chance he could return to his partner's home or is the relationship over.?

AryaStarkWolf · 04/04/2022 11:15

@Besttobe8001 so you would have let your dad stay

Besttobe8001 · 04/04/2022 11:18

I'd let any of my friends and family stay if they asked politely, contributed to the household, I had space and I knew when they were leaving. Doesn't sound like any of those things are the case here.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:19

@girlmom21

he had been cutting my grass for me whilst he waited for me to return

So he's good enough to do favours for you but not good enough to put him up for a few nights?

Just ask him what his plan is for finding somewhere long term but let him stay a few nights

I didn’t ask for him to do it 😬 I cut my own grass.
OP posts:
Margaretmatcher · 04/04/2022 11:24

Offer to help him to find accommodation
Go to the Council, housing associations private renting. Tell him that him being there is a breach of your tenancy.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:27

Sorry, struggling to write much as he’s in the room with me.

At no point has he asked to stay and he hasn’t made his plans clear. He’s just sat here on my sofa.

He cut my grass because I wasn’t here and he was waiting for me to return (so kept himself busy), I didn’t ask him too. I have things I have been asking him to help with for years and he never does them, he’s now doing things because he thinks I will let him stay if he does them.

He has money, has never helped me out financially, wasn’t a great dad, he made my mum dress us in 2nd hand clothes despite having money, he had nice things but we didn’t. If she wanted to spend time with him I had to go and work with him (he worked 7 days a week). He was horrible to my mother, she basically brought us up alone. He would take us on holidays but that was the only time he spent time with us.

He’s a racist, he hates gay people (my dd is bi) and likes to comment on everyone’s appearance.

Of course I don’t want him sleeping in his car but I’m pretty sure he can afford not to.

OP posts:
Sapphirejane · 04/04/2022 11:27

I wonder if he is expecting to reconcile with his partner quickly and that is why he hasn’t made any moves to do anything about his housing situation. Have you asked him if his plans at all?

Sapphirejane · 04/04/2022 11:29

Oh x-post, with your latest post I’d just say I need you out today Dad the local Travelodge is down the road.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/04/2022 11:32

@Lovemusic33 have you told him he can't stay? What conversations have you had with him about it?