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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DF (father) here?

107 replies

Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 10:55

My DF turned up at my house on Saturday and said his partner had kicked him out, they have been together for 12+ years and he was living in her house so she had every right to kick him out. I didn’t offer him a sofa to sleep on so sat night he slept in his car. Yesterday I got home from shopping and he was in my house and hasn’t left since, declared he was sleeping on the sofa last night.

I am a single parent with 2 teens, both autistic, we haven’t had a man stay in our home for 6 years so teens are used to it being all female household, so it’s a huge change for them having my DF here. I’m also used to having my own space. I don’t have a spare room, my house is already too small for the 3 of us (DD’s have tiny box rooms), I also claim housing benefit as I’m DD’s carer, so technically I can’t have anyone else living here.

My DF will make me feel very guilty if I suggest him finding somewhere else to sleep, he obviously thinks he’s welcome here when at no point have I invited him to stay. I know I have to be thought with him but he’s in his late 60’s and his health isn’t that great.

AIBU for not wanting him here?

How do I tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 12:53

I have described what type of father he is in a previous post. He hasn’t been great.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 12:54

If it was my mum needing somewhere to stay it would be totally different. She would help me the dc and my dc wouldn’t mind her being here.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/04/2022 12:57

@girlmom21

he had been cutting my grass for me whilst he waited for me to return

So he's good enough to do favours for you but not good enough to put him up for a few nights?

Just ask him what his plan is for finding somewhere long term but let him stay a few nights

It sounds like he's manipulative... Look I've (unasked for) mown your lawn..

In exchange - I want to disrupt your life and live with you free for months... While you lose benefits cos I'm here....

Seems a fair exchange GrinAngry

Mangogogogo · 04/04/2022 12:57

Ok so i change my vote to YANBU. He’s a fucking tit

Blossom64265 · 04/04/2022 13:02

Since he isn’t abusive or dangerous in anyway, just not particularly great, I can’t imagine not offering him the sofa that first night.

I also don’t understand why you don’t just tell him that he has to find a place to rent. You say he has money, renting a hotel room is a waste. Why doesn’t he use that money for a deposit on a flat?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 04/04/2022 13:05

Sounds like you need to be blunt and ask him to find somewhere for tonight. I reckon he's come to you not only for somewhere to sleep but to be looked after. He's going to wait it out until he can go travelling in the summer so do it now OP.

Fraaahnces · 04/04/2022 13:05

I think you need to use very small words.
“Dad - you can’t stay here. If anyone suspects that you are staying here and I am reported then you will be financially responsible for me and my kids. You weren’t good at that the first time and I really don’t think you relish the idea of living in the caravan with me and the kids.”

picklemewalnuts · 04/04/2022 13:05

He's attempting to force you to solve his problem.
Make him uncomfortable.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2022 13:11

This is it op. Women (your mother) probably always wonder when karma will get these entitled arrogant selfish men who go through life believing their wants come first.
Fuck. Him.
Big girl pants on, and tell him what he should have been told decades ago.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 13:15

@Blossom64265

Since he isn’t abusive or dangerous in anyway, just not particularly great, I can’t imagine not offering him the sofa that first night.

I also don’t understand why you don’t just tell him that he has to find a place to rent. You say he has money, renting a hotel room is a waste. Why doesn’t he use that money for a deposit on a flat?

I assumed he would find somewhere the first night or assumed she would let him back in, it didn’t sound that serious at the time and he didn’t say he would sleep in his car.

If he puts a deposit on a flat he would possibly still have to wait a month to move in. He has a lot of friend with big houses but he doesn’t want to admit to them that he needs help and most of his friends are also her friends.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/04/2022 13:32

I see lots of abusive behaviour being described!!!

Financial
Emotional blackmail

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 04/04/2022 13:41

He didn’t ask, he just assumed. That is trampling over your boundaries. Send him to the shops, put his stuff out, lock the door. He can sort his own accommodation out.

SockFluffInTheBath · 04/04/2022 13:41

@thequeenoftarts

Sorry Dad someone has reported you for living here, had a call from the benefits section. They say you have 24 hrs to be gone or they are cutting my carers allowance by xxx so if you are staying longer you will need to make up that shortfall plus living expenses of xxx...Or 24 hrs to be gone full stop....Bye Dad, esp if he is tight with cash
This. YANBU OP, unfortunately lots of MNers assume we all have good relationships with parents because they do. He’s a capable adult and he has means- not your circus…
MadMadMadamMim · 04/04/2022 13:50

You need to be blunt and say What are your plans for tonight, Dad? You can't stay here again. The house is too small and the benefits system does not allow me to take in other people. I cannot afford to risk being evicted because you've cocked up your relationship. It's not my problem. Also, you know the girls are autistic and struggle with change. They are my priority. You need to be gone by 5pm today.

Don't give him any room for confusion. Make it direct. Make it simple. Tell him he's to be out by teatime. Where he goes is his problem. He's an adult. If you're sitting in the same room as him read this out now to him, word for word.

Saves you having to think of how to tiptoe round the subject.

2bazookas · 04/04/2022 14:15

Tell him you are very sorry but he can't stay and must leave by (Friday, or whatever date suits you).

How did he get in? Get your keys back.

dworky · 04/04/2022 14:17

@AryaStarkWolf

I mean he's your dad and unless you two really aren't close I can't imagine letting sleep in his car instead of letting him on your couch for a few days till he gets himself sorted. Does he have some form of income to be able to get himself his own place to stay? Have you talked to him about why he can't stay with you for long?
A dad who has without asking, invaded the home of a single mother. He's a grown man, why the hell is she responsible for his choices & lack of responsibility?
HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 14:48

I suspect he mowed your lawn to look 'handy' and so you would feel guilty/in debt to him so you'd be forced to let him stay. Him doing these jobs is quite manipulative.

Does he know his granddaughter is bi?

Does he know you don't approve of his racist comments?

If so, it's easy for you to tell him that you can't have him around your daughter, and you don't want him staying there.

Regardless, you need to be direct and tell him you need him gone tomorrow.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 15:46

He has just left to collect more of his things.

He has sorted storage for tomorrow but not accommodation, despite me telling him a few places to try and suggesting he sleeps in his camper.

He is not my responsibility.

There have been many times where I have needed help. I have been through being sexually assaulted and abused as a teen (not by a family member), I have been through divorce and then ended up in a relationship which resulted in me and the DD’s needing a safe place to stay, he never offered me a roof, never offered support during these times despite his partner telling him to. I don’t owe him anything.

My dd is openly bi, she walks around wearing pride T-shirts etc, she’s even stood up for gay people when he has mocked them (mainly when he’s watching tv), he has also laughed at people with disabilities, not my dc have disabilities. He lacks emotions, he likes everything in its place and in order (ex military) and he thinks he can bribe me with offering to do things around the house. So far he’s asked me if I want a new floor in the bathroom and if I need the floor sorting downstairs, he’s offered to buy me a rake for the garden so he can rake the grass clippings up but he’s not mentioned sorting out the problems he has with accommodation.

He’s going to look at storage tomorrow morning and then says he’s going to do some work. Hopefully once storage is sorted out her will start sorting out where he’s going to live.

I don’t think I’m mean or unfair, he deserves everything that he’s going through. If was my mum I would be giving up my bed to make her comfortable, though my mum would never just invite herself to stay.

OP posts:
HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 15:48

So WHEN are you going to tell him he needs to leave now and that he is not staying?

Cherrysoup · 04/04/2022 15:50

You’re gonna need to woman up and tell h8m to find accommodation that doesn’t involve sleeping in the car! How ridiculous.

SockFluffInTheBath · 04/04/2022 15:51

Flipping heck OP dump his crap in the front garden while he’s gone, deadbolt the bloody front door, and don’t let him back in.

Or don’t do that, let him back for as long as he wants to stay (because let’s face it, you’re not going to hoof him out) and start playing hostess.

They’re pretty much your 2 options my love. 1 is painful for an hour or so the second for as long as he stays.

billy1966 · 04/04/2022 15:54

He sounds awful and you owe him nothing.

You really shouldn't hesitate to tell him to look elsewhere.

Your daughter's really do not need someone of his character pushing themselves into their home.

No need to spare his feelings.

HollowTalk · 04/04/2022 15:56

Can people please remember that not all dads are the same? Those of you who have a lovely dad obviously couldn't imagine telling him to sleep in the car. The OP isn't in that position.

mbosnz · 04/04/2022 15:59

Bugger that for a game of soldiers. Tell him he's not coming back to yours, and you're not storing his crap either. Don't let him back in.

RandomMess · 04/04/2022 16:37

Honestly don't let him back through the door tell him to book into a hotel.