Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DF (father) here?

107 replies

Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 10:55

My DF turned up at my house on Saturday and said his partner had kicked him out, they have been together for 12+ years and he was living in her house so she had every right to kick him out. I didn’t offer him a sofa to sleep on so sat night he slept in his car. Yesterday I got home from shopping and he was in my house and hasn’t left since, declared he was sleeping on the sofa last night.

I am a single parent with 2 teens, both autistic, we haven’t had a man stay in our home for 6 years so teens are used to it being all female household, so it’s a huge change for them having my DF here. I’m also used to having my own space. I don’t have a spare room, my house is already too small for the 3 of us (DD’s have tiny box rooms), I also claim housing benefit as I’m DD’s carer, so technically I can’t have anyone else living here.

My DF will make me feel very guilty if I suggest him finding somewhere else to sleep, he obviously thinks he’s welcome here when at no point have I invited him to stay. I know I have to be thought with him but he’s in his late 60’s and his health isn’t that great.

AIBU for not wanting him here?

How do I tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:33

He’s has started moving all his things out of her house so doesn’t plan on going back and I don’t think she wants him back.

He’s been sat here all morning, I have been to work for a couple hours, come back and he’s still sat here, not made any phone calls or anything.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2022 11:33

You say "Dad - it's been lovely seeing you. However, this is my home and the home and I cannot have you staying here. It's disrupting the children and me to have you here. You shouldn't have let yourself in to my home without checking with me first. You need to find somewhere else to stay, until you get yourself sorted. I'm sorry if this is coming across as harsh but I need you to find somewhere else to stay, to sleep. My couch is not an option. I suggest that you go to the council and see if they can help, or stay a few days in a Travelodge or Holiday Inn until you get yourself back on your feet."

Can you practice saying that to a mirror a few times and see how you get on?

incognitoforthisone · 04/04/2022 11:34

Do you never just, you know, talk to him? You didn't offer him a sofa - fair enough. But did you not actually ask him what his plans were? Surely you said 'So what are you going to do tonight? Find a hotel?' And when he announced that he was going to stay with you, why didn't you ask him for how long? Why haven't you asked him why he isn't looking for another place to live?

You keep saying things like 'he doesn't seem to be looking for anywhere' or 'he doesn't seem to be in a hurry to sort his camper van' and 'I didn't think he would sleep in his car'. All this seeming and thinking and assuming. Stop being so passive. Just have a bloody conversation with him and set some bloody boundaries.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2022 11:35

Sorry missed out the bit where I should have typed "...and the home of my children" in the first bit of the above

iRun2eatCake · 04/04/2022 11:40

....and what has he said when you asked him what his plans are.....

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:42

He’s not the easiest person to talk too, he doesn’t listen 😞. I know I need to be tough with him.

So far all he has mentioned is ‘travelling in his camper in the summer’ but when is summer? When I ask he doesn’t really answer.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 11:46

@Lovemusic33

He’s has started moving all his things out of her house so doesn’t plan on going back and I don’t think she wants him back.

He’s been sat here all morning, I have been to work for a couple hours, come back and he’s still sat here, not made any phone calls or anything.

Where's he moving his things to?

Ask him.

picklemewalnuts · 04/04/2022 11:47

He has no boundaries. You are going to need to establish some.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2022 11:53

My advice is to make a cup of tea and sit down with him in the kitchen and hoike up your big girl pants to have a conversation. He is probably completely unaware that you want him out from under your feet. He was probably doing the same behaviour when he was staying with his girlfriend and she reached the end of her tether.

Time to grab that bull by the horns!!!!

We're right behind you here!!!

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:55

His things are in his car and some in my van on my drive, he says he’s going to try and find a lock up but no mention of finding accommodation. He told me he was doing some work today and was going to try and collect more of his things but so far he’s not moved off the sofa.

OP posts:
Sapphirejane · 04/04/2022 11:56

Do you have any siblings who can help you?

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 04/04/2022 11:56

Why can't he go to the council? He can ask for over 55s housing?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 11:57

I do have a sibling but they happen to have covid so he can’t go there (lucky them).

OP posts:
thequeenoftarts · 04/04/2022 12:01

Sorry Dad someone has reported you for living here, had a call from the benefits section. They say you have 24 hrs to be gone or they are cutting my carers allowance by xxx so if you are staying longer you will need to make up that shortfall plus living expenses of xxx...Or 24 hrs to be gone full stop....Bye Dad, esp if he is tight with cash

Sapphirejane · 04/04/2022 12:03

Can your sibling help talk to him over the phone at least? Or your mum even though they are divorced? I originally thought you were being quite mean but after your later posts I am in agreement with the poster who said they had experience with family members who have no boundaries and you need to be firm with him.

LndnGrl · 04/04/2022 12:04

@Lovemusic33

He has money, he could easily go and stay in a travel lodge for a few days. He is retired but still does some work.

I stupidly left the back door unlocked yesterday and he let himself in, he had been cutting my grass for me whilst he waited for me to return and then realised the back door was unlocked.

Of course I don’t want him sleeping in his car but he doesn’t seen to be in a hurry to find so,e where now he’s here. He has a Campervan but it has no MOT (he’s just finished converting it), so if he putts it through a MOT he could live in it, but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to do this.

It's only Monday morning. What do you expect him to have done over the weekend Confused

I couldn't imagine treating my mum like this.

mbosnz · 04/04/2022 12:06

I'm afraid, given all you've said, he sounds very like my FIL. You have my sympathy.

I'd be saying, right, you need to get off my sofa, find yourself a lock up, because I'm not housing your belongings. While you're at it, you need to find yourself a hotel room for while you're looking for permanent accommodation, because I'm not housing you, either.

You need to be blunt, and hard. He will take every advantage, otherwise.

billy1966 · 04/04/2022 12:07

OP,

You don't want him in YOUR home.

Typical male entitlement of a shit father thinking he can just move in.

Tell him that it is not going to happen.
It doesn't suit you.

That is it.

He wasn't a good father and the type of man he is landing on your door and assuming he can stay, speaks volumes.

He sounds like an unpleasant man that you do not feel an emotional connection too.

Do not allow him to stay.

Let him spend his money on a hotel.

He sounds like a selfish bully.

Thinking you can stay with someone without asking is the height of presumptuousness.

You clearly feel you owe him nothing.

Do not allow him to stay.

That's it.

Do not be bullied.

You are no longer a child.Flowers

RandomMess · 04/04/2022 12:11

Be very blunt.

You cannot stay here, it will impact my benefits you need to book and Air B&B.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 04/04/2022 12:21

Your DF slept in the car Confused

Sapphirejane · 04/04/2022 12:22

@LndnGrl - I thought the same at first but reading the OPs later posts her father sounds like he is a racist homophobe who wasn’t a nice or caring dad growing up. I wouldn’t give a second thought to my Dad staying but we have a good relationship, and I shouldn’t have used that to judge the OP at first.

Whooshaagh · 04/04/2022 12:23

@HeArInGhandsgirl11

Your DF slept in the car Confused
It won't kill him. We frequently do so when travelling to a ferry and I'm retired. It's your call OP but don't feel guilty.
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 12:29

@HeArInGhandsgirl11

Your DF slept in the car Confused
He used to do this often when I was a child and her argued with my mother, he does it to make people feel guilty, he has other options.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 12:30

I have just handed him the local newspaper and pointed out a add for a handy man which include accommodation (says suitable for semi retired person), have also mentioned several options where he could park his camper for free in exchange for a bit of work.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/04/2022 12:51

@Lovemusic33

He has money, he could easily go and stay in a travel lodge for a few days. He is retired but still does some work.

I stupidly left the back door unlocked yesterday and he let himself in, he had been cutting my grass for me whilst he waited for me to return and then realised the back door was unlocked.

Of course I don’t want him sleeping in his car but he doesn’t seen to be in a hurry to find so,e where now he’s here. He has a Campervan but it has no MOT (he’s just finished converting it), so if he putts it through a MOT he could live in it, but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to do this.

What sort of a dad is he?

Decent, loving, helpful? Bothered about you ans your kids?

This wouls dictate EXACTLY how I'd treat him...

If decent... Move heaven and earth to help.

If not, tell him he can't stay... He's just assuming you're a better bet than travel lodge /his camper van.... Dad you being here is too disruptive to us, you need to present as homeless to the council.

Swipe left for the next trending thread