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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DF (father) here?

107 replies

Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 10:55

My DF turned up at my house on Saturday and said his partner had kicked him out, they have been together for 12+ years and he was living in her house so she had every right to kick him out. I didn’t offer him a sofa to sleep on so sat night he slept in his car. Yesterday I got home from shopping and he was in my house and hasn’t left since, declared he was sleeping on the sofa last night.

I am a single parent with 2 teens, both autistic, we haven’t had a man stay in our home for 6 years so teens are used to it being all female household, so it’s a huge change for them having my DF here. I’m also used to having my own space. I don’t have a spare room, my house is already too small for the 3 of us (DD’s have tiny box rooms), I also claim housing benefit as I’m DD’s carer, so technically I can’t have anyone else living here.

My DF will make me feel very guilty if I suggest him finding somewhere else to sleep, he obviously thinks he’s welcome here when at no point have I invited him to stay. I know I have to be thought with him but he’s in his late 60’s and his health isn’t that great.

AIBU for not wanting him here?

How do I tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 16:40

I have sent his ex a message as he’s heading over to collect more things, I have told her that I don’t blame her for asking him to leave but told her he needs to find somewhere to live, I know it’s not her problem but it’s not really mine either. I have told her he can’t stay more than a couple days or I will have my benefits stopped. Hopefully she will remind him of this, sometimes it takes several people to tell him something before he will listen.

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 04/04/2022 16:40

@Lovemusic33

I have just handed him the local newspaper and pointed out a add for a handy man which include accommodation (says suitable for semi retired person), have also mentioned several options where he could park his camper for free in exchange for a bit of work.
FFS.... so you still haven't actually told him that he needs to go.

More fool you

iRun2eatCake · 04/04/2022 16:43

@Lovemusic33

I have sent his ex a message as he’s heading over to collect more things, I have told her that I don’t blame her for asking him to leave but told her he needs to find somewhere to live, I know it’s not her problem but it’s not really mine either. I have told her he can’t stay more than a couple days or I will have my benefits stopped. Hopefully she will remind him of this, sometimes it takes several people to tell him something before he will listen.
It has NOTHING to do with her. She was woman enough to kick him out. He's not her problem anymore.

Stop trying to get other people to sort your mess out... you're just doing what he does otherwise.... deflecting the issue.

Either give him a deadline and MEAN it.... or stop moaning about the situation

HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 16:46

@Lovemusic33

I have sent his ex a message as he’s heading over to collect more things, I have told her that I don’t blame her for asking him to leave but told her he needs to find somewhere to live, I know it’s not her problem but it’s not really mine either. I have told her he can’t stay more than a couple days or I will have my benefits stopped. Hopefully she will remind him of this, sometimes it takes several people to tell him something before he will listen.
Oh for goodness sake, grow up and tell him YOURSELF!
LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2022 16:48

Have you said to him that he can't stay with you yet?

It's no wonder he's gone to collect more of his belongings.

Please phone him (if you can't do it face to face) and tell him "Dad, you can't bring anymore of your stuff to mine. You can't stay here either. You'll have to find somewhere else to go."

LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2022 16:53

If you haven't said anything to him, it's no wonder he thinks that he go and get more of his stuff...you haven't complained to him that he can't stay. You've said more to us than you have to him by the looks of it.

We're here for you but you have to tell him that he can't stay. Don't get someone else to do it for you.

Eightiesfan · 04/04/2022 16:54

It really depends on your relationship with DF. If my DF turned up on my doorstep asking for a place to stay he’d have the door slammed firmly in his face. Different courses for different horses.

mbosnz · 04/04/2022 17:14

Why not text him and tell him via text that he's not stopping with you, and he's not storing his gear with you either? Then deadbolt the door?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 17:47

@mbosnz

Why not text him and tell him via text that he's not stopping with you, and he's not storing his gear with you either? Then deadbolt the door?
He doesn’t do texting, I always message his partner (now ex) if I want to contact him as he doesn’t read messages.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 17:51

He doesn’t plan on leaving his stuff here…he’s renting a storage unit tomorrow, he’s just filling his car up ready to take it into storage and has put a few things in my empty van on my drive until tomorrow. I think he thinks the priority is getting all his things out of her house so he can then move on.

He knows he can’t stay here, there’s no space for him. I will talk to him again later when he returns but he will probably come back stressed out, he’s not easy to talk to at the best of times.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2022 18:01

You're seriously deluded if you think he's going to rent a storage unit tomorrow, considering you put a newspaper under his nose to look for a job today!
It's not your concern if he's stressed out on his return. He's playing you like a fiddle here, to be honest and you're letting him.
His priority, to him, is indeed getting his stuff out of her house....and in to YOURS!!!!!

You are the only one that can stop this.

You say ne knows he can't stay with you. How does he know this? Have you told him? Yourself? Directly? Clearly? Without any wiggle room for him to work to his advantage?

You're going to resent this, especially if it backfires on you and you're the one that ends up getting turned out of your home due to him!

Come on.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 18:13

Not deluded, he was here when he called about the storage unit 🙄

I have told him he has to find somewhere to stay, he doesn't listen. I will talk to him again but he's not easy to talk too, he hears what he wants to hear. He doesn't understand about my benefits however much I explain and he doesn't understand why we wouldn't want him here. The world revolves around him.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/04/2022 18:16

Sounds like wilful ignorance on his part. He doesn't have to understand. He just needs to fuck off.

HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 18:21

Just say you need him out tomorrow and when he leaves to go to collect his stuff, you won't be letting him back in.

HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 18:22

And close/lock all doors/windows after he leaves.

JollyHolly30 · 04/04/2022 18:29

You have to be firm and put your foot down. Spell it out clearly to him.

Do It for your daughters.

Pointynoseowner · 04/04/2022 18:35

I really feel for you. It isn't that he doesn't understand, he understands perfectly, he chooses not to listen and pretend he doesn't get it. He sounds like a bully and I can understand why it's difficult for you to stand up to him. Don't put up with any more nonsense, tell him(,don't discuss) he is not welcome to stay and will have to leave tonight/tomorrow, end of. Good luck you can do this 👍

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 19:25

He’s apparently sleeping in the Campervan tomorrow (it does have heating and water/shower/toilet), so hopefully tonight will be the last night he’s here. Dd2 is struggling with having him hear, not that she doesn’t like him but because she can’t cope with change, I can’t cope with change either. It’s not easy communicating with him, pretty sure he is on the spectrum, we are also very similar, sadly I have inherited some of his behaviours 😬.

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 04/04/2022 19:57

Tell him if his not working things out with his partner you need to get him down the council to sort out proper housing if he cannot afford it himself. Point out the sofa will not be good for his back at his age and that his not technically allowed to be staying with you. I personally could not let my parent sleep in their car and my son also had ASD. I would talk to him about his plans and say this is not a long term solution. As an emergency fine but now it is time to make plans for his permanent accommodation.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 04/04/2022 20:45

I have been talking to his partner (ex), she’s willing to help him fill in the forms for housing but I said I will do it with him tomorrow and use my email as he doesn’t really do computers. She has no bad feelings towards him, she just said she can’t live with him anymore, they have been friends for 40+ years so she still wants to be friends. He needs a permanent address for post etc..

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 04/04/2022 20:50

Why can't he move his stuff from his Ex's straight into storage rather than lumbering you with it? 🌹

Nnique · 04/04/2022 20:56

What he wants is for you to do all the woman-work for him from now on.

Like you said, if it was your mum you’d have given up your bed by now but it’s not, it’s your dad who treated your mum badly, wasn’t a good dad and who hasn’t ever helped you out when you needed him.

Don’t let it continue. It’ll screw things up for you financially, make your children feel out of sorts and it means you’re running around after him and doing stuff for him when you should be focusing on what they and you need. Just tell him he can’t stay, and the next time he leaves lock the door and don’t let him back in. He’s got money, he can sort himself.

Fraaahnces · 04/04/2022 23:00

Sounds like he’s a professional cocklodger

LookItsMeAgain · 05/04/2022 09:35

Sounds like you are not communicating with him at all though.

Have you uttered the words "Dad, you cannot stay here."
"Dad, you cannot store your stuff here."
"Dad, you need to find yourself somewhere else to live. You cannot live here"

Have you done that?

Because if you haven't, when you say it's not easy to communicate with him, the issue is you and not him. He doesn't have a crystal ball to read your mind. You have to speak out loud what you want him to do.

He's moved from his girlfriend to you.

And he doesn't see anything wrong with doing that without having a conversation about it first.

I really was on your side at the start of this thread but you're coming across as really passive and letting him do what he wants, stay where he wants and you're not getting angry or cross or frustrated with him and to him about that.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 10:59

@Lovemusic33

He’s apparently sleeping in the Campervan tomorrow (it does have heating and water/shower/toilet), so hopefully tonight will be the last night he’s here. Dd2 is struggling with having him hear, not that she doesn’t like him but because she can’t cope with change, I can’t cope with change either. It’s not easy communicating with him, pretty sure he is on the spectrum, we are also very similar, sadly I have inherited some of his behaviours 😬.
Is he going to be parked up in someones driveway or going to campsite? Doesn't a camper need to be hooked up to an electricity supply/generator to have power and water?