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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being miserable cow…holidays?

131 replies

JustJam4Tea · 04/04/2022 07:06

Like a lot of other people we’ve not been away in a while. Couple of weekends away as a couple.

I suggested we booked a week in Spain. DH is now considering taking his parents, 20 something son, daughter, their other halves and their mum. His ex.

AIBU for thinking that won’t be a holiday.

He’ll think it’s fun, and tbh , they are good company, but the cooking, the organising, the fact his kids don’t lift a finger. He won’t want to do every shop and the cooking. I just want to go away for a week and not worry about what other people want to do.

He wants a big family holiday like back 8n the day. He’s been divorced 15 years, we’ve been married 12. We’ve been away for family wedding as a big group and graduations and it works ok for a weekend.

I’m considering just leaving him to it. AIBU to think I can’t be arsed with all that.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 05/04/2022 20:17

I'd say yes then don't do any organising / helping / mental load.

No, don't do that. It's just playing games and not being honest. Unless you say that as your answer. "I'll come but will be lying by the pool bar day and night".

Mumontour85 · 05/04/2022 20:18

Sounds like it's all his side of the fam and his choice, so he will be the host. Pick up your towel and a good book every morning and go about your business.
Make sure you're home on time to ask what's for dinner!

texasschmexas · 05/04/2022 20:22

What did you say, his ex will join? What, are you serious? Are you in an American movie?

On a more serious note, extended family holidays are fun, when the family is. If that is the case indeed, suggest two holidays, one romantic weekend get away for the two of you, one extended family fun chaos.

Preemptedyou · 05/04/2022 20:50

@JustJam4Tea

Like a lot of other people we’ve not been away in a while. Couple of weekends away as a couple.

I suggested we booked a week in Spain. DH is now considering taking his parents, 20 something son, daughter, their other halves and their mum. His ex.

AIBU for thinking that won’t be a holiday.

He’ll think it’s fun, and tbh , they are good company, but the cooking, the organising, the fact his kids don’t lift a finger. He won’t want to do every shop and the cooking. I just want to go away for a week and not worry about what other people want to do.

He wants a big family holiday like back 8n the day. He’s been divorced 15 years, we’ve been married 12. We’ve been away for family wedding as a big group and graduations and it works ok for a weekend.

I’m considering just leaving him to it. AIBU to think I can’t be arsed with all that.

Nah, fuck that for a cart of monkeys. YANBU!
Palloom · 05/04/2022 20:59

The very thought of a group holiday gives me a rash and rage.

NO NO NO. What is it about the British that many of them like to go away en famille? It is my idea of hell, and I get on great with my siblings and the "dark side" (in laws) lol.

I would not go, and divorce asap if they went ahead anyway.

SirGawain · 05/04/2022 20:59

@JustJam4Tea

Like a lot of other people we’ve not been away in a while. Couple of weekends away as a couple.

I suggested we booked a week in Spain. DH is now considering taking his parents, 20 something son, daughter, their other halves and their mum. His ex.

AIBU for thinking that won’t be a holiday.

He’ll think it’s fun, and tbh , they are good company, but the cooking, the organising, the fact his kids don’t lift a finger. He won’t want to do every shop and the cooking. I just want to go away for a week and not worry about what other people want to do.

He wants a big family holiday like back 8n the day. He’s been divorced 15 years, we’ve been married 12. We’ve been away for family wedding as a big group and graduations and it works ok for a weekend.

I’m considering just leaving him to it. AIBU to think I can’t be arsed with all that.

My idea of hell!!
saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/04/2022 21:05

I would tell your DH that this trip you two on your own.

Next year he can plan the big family thing. Then at the start of planning assign people to head things up. Once someone is assigned leave it to them to sort out. If you don’t have breakfast food, so be it. Nobody plans or signs up for an activity, they are on their own. If they find someone to take over their assignment, as long as it’s not you, then dandy. Make sure ‘activities on your own ‘ is built into the plan.

Person A- Activities - for a group this size I’d do a morning and afternoon or all day activities. Everyone signs up for what they want to do.

Person B- Restaurants/Eating out. Finding and booking for x nights per week
Person C- ‘At home’ activities, games, etc
Personal D- Breakfast- at home
Person E- Lunch and snacks -at home
Person F- Dinners -at home
Then assign any leftover people to help with cooking/cleaning.

Palloom · 05/04/2022 21:10

@saltinesandcoffeecups

I would tell your DH that this trip you two on your own.

Next year he can plan the big family thing. Then at the start of planning assign people to head things up. Once someone is assigned leave it to them to sort out. If you don’t have breakfast food, so be it. Nobody plans or signs up for an activity, they are on their own. If they find someone to take over their assignment, as long as it’s not you, then dandy. Make sure ‘activities on your own ‘ is built into the plan.

Person A- Activities - for a group this size I’d do a morning and afternoon or all day activities. Everyone signs up for what they want to do.

Person B- Restaurants/Eating out. Finding and booking for x nights per week
Person C- ‘At home’ activities, games, etc
Personal D- Breakfast- at home
Person E- Lunch and snacks -at home
Person F- Dinners -at home
Then assign any leftover people to help with cooking/cleaning.

Is this a joke?
Mollymoostoo · 05/04/2022 21:15

@Herejustforthisone

Sorry, he wants to take his ex, their children, their children’s other halves and his parents in holiday? Oh, and you?

I don’t know your family dynamic but that sounds bonkers and like you’d be the outsider.

Or does he expect you to be cook and cleaner for them all while they kick back and don’t lift any of their fingers?

Yeah this sounds odd to me too. I would never go away with my ex or my DH's ex. That dynamic is really odd.
law050465 · 05/04/2022 21:36

Well maybe go in a group but refuse to do any cooking. You’re on holiday too, why the hell should you be cooking for everyone. Eat out or get takeaways. If the others in the group want home cooked food, they can look after themselves

LowlandLucky · 05/04/2022 21:56

Ask him to draw up a rota for all of the cooking, cleaning and shopping.

MadKittenWoman · 05/04/2022 22:06

Agree to getting him to organise it. It’ll never happen.

EliyanahM · 05/04/2022 22:27

I'd go, but then leave him in England for a week with the kids and go away on my own for a week's break.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/04/2022 01:38

@Palloom no joke, I assumed this wouldn’t be the OP doing all of since it’s her DH’s idea and shes already said she’s not interested in organizing at the same time she didn’t want him to fail so would offer advice.

I’m also assuming it’s a healthy relationship that incorporates compromise such as her having the pick of holiday this year and him being able choose next.

Are healthy give and take relationships so rare around here that this seems crazy to you? That’s quite sad.

Newestname002 · 06/04/2022 03:18

^Person A- Activities - for a group this size I’d do a morning and afternoon or all day activities. Everyone signs up for what they want to do.

Person B- Restaurants/Eating out. Finding and booking for x nights per week
Person C- ‘At home’ activities, games, etc
Personal D- Breakfast- at home
Person E- Lunch and snacks -at home
Person F- Dinners -at home
Then assign any leftover people to help with cooking/cleaning^

This sounds more like boot camp than an enjoyable holiday. 🌹

Topseyt · 06/04/2022 04:03

@saltinesandcoffeecups

I would tell your DH that this trip you two on your own.

Next year he can plan the big family thing. Then at the start of planning assign people to head things up. Once someone is assigned leave it to them to sort out. If you don’t have breakfast food, so be it. Nobody plans or signs up for an activity, they are on their own. If they find someone to take over their assignment, as long as it’s not you, then dandy. Make sure ‘activities on your own ‘ is built into the plan.

Person A- Activities - for a group this size I’d do a morning and afternoon or all day activities. Everyone signs up for what they want to do.

Person B- Restaurants/Eating out. Finding and booking for x nights per week
Person C- ‘At home’ activities, games, etc
Personal D- Breakfast- at home
Person E- Lunch and snacks -at home
Person F- Dinners -at home
Then assign any leftover people to help with cooking/cleaning.

That sounds like a military operation rather than a holiday, and the very reason why I wouldn't be interested in going as a large group.

Tell him that this holiday is just for the two of you. If he wants the huge family holiday then he can book an all-inclusive deal in a hotel for next year. Everyone can then be responsible for themselves and socialise as much or as little as they wish.

No need for military style boot camp.

Krabapple · 06/04/2022 05:00

I love extended family holidays. Book into a hotel or apartments though. No cooking apart from the odd snack. We generally then meet round the pool and if anyone wants to go to the beach/day trip etc they can (or just stay by the pool if not).
We tend to eat together in the evenings in a restaurant but you don’t have to. I love all meeting up in the bar and then enjoying a night out together.
If you are in different rooms you don’t need to responsible for anyone else. Just enjoy their company.

Krabapple · 06/04/2022 05:12

Have just seen a pp’s list of activities etc. We have been in large groups before and don’t do this. It doesnt really need much organising/ it’s a holiday after all It tends to be - someone will say I fancy a boat trip/ trip to another place etc - pick a day and ask who wants to come. That person then goes and books it - not a massive hardship?.
Or maybe - we are having a beach day today who wants to come?
With eating out it’s more a case of someone in the group will go for a walk (quite often me & dh as he doesn’t like B sunbathing) & offer to book a restaurant for the evening (before checking it’s okay with the others). I quite enjoy having a mooch round looking for a nice restaurant.
Each family gets there own food/snacks etc during the day as you would anyway.

Original poster
JustJam4Tea · 06/04/2022 06:23

@Newestname002

^*Person A- Activities - for a group this size I’d do a morning and afternoon or all day activities. Everyone signs up for what they want to do. Person B- Restaurants/Eating out. Finding and booking for x nights per week Person C- ‘At home’ activities, games, etc Personal D- Breakfast- at home Person E- Lunch and snacks -at home Person F- Dinners -at home Then assign any leftover people to help with cooking/cleaning*^

This sounds more like boot camp than an enjoyable holiday. 🌹

Yeah, no, none of that would be happening. That sounds like guide camp.
OP posts:
stayathomer · 06/04/2022 06:31

It could be terrible or the best holiday you've ever had. If you do end up going 'the phrase 'it's my holiday too' needs to be owned by you and you need to live it up as much as possible and enjoy!!

Mia184 · 06/04/2022 06:41

What did you say, his ex will join? What, are you serious? Are you in an American movie?

This. Also what if the ex has a partner. I somehow doubt your dh would want him to join. 🤔

SarahBellam · 06/04/2022 07:00

I’d say ‘Yes, you’re in charge” and then do nothing else. If he wants it then he can do the lot himself. Take no interest in it but offer to organise another trip for just the two of you.

Original poster
JustJam4Tea · 06/04/2022 07:02

As said before we have all been away together before and stayed in the same house away. There was a long illness in the family that meant everyone had to muck in with hospitals, consultants, renting a house near a specialist hospital, staying over,. We get on.

Also I’m not knocking big extended family holidays. But this particular idea of dh’s sounds hard work.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 06/04/2022 07:38

@JustJam4Tea I doubt it will happen. Even agreeing a date for these extended holidays is a negotiation in itself. We tend to arrange for the following year so that peoples diaries don't have time to fill up.

Smile and Nod.

rookiemere · 06/04/2022 07:39

Oh and when I say "we" organise, I mean the two middle aged ladies in the equation of course.