Am I being miserable cow…holidays?

[JustJam4Tea]

Like a lot of other people we’ve not been away in a while. Couple of weekends away as a couple.

I suggested we booked a week in Spain. DH is now considering taking his parents, 20 something son, daughter, their other halves and their mum. His ex.

AIBU for thinking that won’t be a holiday.

He’ll think it’s fun, and tbh , they are good company, but the cooking, the organising, the fact his kids don’t lift a finger. He won’t want to do every shop and the cooking. I just want to go away for a week and not worry about what other people want to do.

He wants a big family holiday like back 8n the day. He’s been divorced 15 years, we’ve been married 12. We’ve been away for family wedding as a big group and graduations and it works ok for a weekend.

I’m considering just leaving him to it. AIBU to think I can’t be arsed with all that.

LTB

We both get on fine with his ex. I know other people who end up on holiday with their exes on extended family holidays. That's not really the bit I'm that unsure about.

It just doesn't sound relaxing. Too many people wanted to do different things, the kids don't drive so need ferried or taxied around. We like walking, cycling and history - they do - but only a little bit.

I just want a break - to be frank - even though I like them I feel like I've seen a lot of them over the last couple of years.

DH wants a big family thing - there was a bereavement in the family recently that has meant we've all seen a lot of each other and I can understand why he's clinging on to the family thing.

But he's not very practical about stuff like this in that he wouldn't think about how long shopping, cooking, cleaning takes. He'd do it, because he's good like that = but he's just thinking of spending lovely time with them all.

Oh god, Dh loves these big extended family holidays. I hate them. To be fair, him and his family do all the logistics and arguing about locations and whatnot, but they are still exhausting. I’m probably the one they all complain ‘doesn’t lift a finger’, because I hate cooking and at home I don’t do any (beyond the odd scrambled egg type tea for kids) because Dh does it all. So I really don’t want to spend my holiday forced into big cook offs with my in laws, and all that cleaning up afterwards, so I do the bare minimum because I resent it.

The ex though. That would be the final straw for me. The rest I’d whinge about but go along with under sufference, providing there was a solid promise of my choice of holiday next. But if there was an ex in the picture, nope. Not a chance. Her or me. And god help him if he chose her.

Say fine, i hope you are budgeting in all meals to be eaten out as I won’t be doing any shopping or cooking, and at the same time please book a week at this resort ( whichever one you want) for just the two of us

@Squirrelblanket

Just book a hotel. Nobody has to cook, everyone gets their own space. Job done.

This. Go all inclusive. Husband finds the hotel and tells everyone that that is where you are going. If they want to come they book the room type they want and the flights and they pay for it. If they faff and its sold out then sadly they can't come. If they haven't checked their passport, done covid stuff etc and get stopped at the barrier, not your problem. If your husband wants to pay for them all and that doesnt impact the way your organise your family money then let him crack on. You meet up for breakfast if the timing fits for all of you. Those that want to get up early and head off somewhere can do that. Those who want to come down half an hour before end of service can also do that. You all do your own thing during the day and meet up in the evening. Eat together and then go clubbing, sit by the pool chatting, go to bed early as people wish. Don't be a martyr . Don't agree to a villa. Don't take on the holiday admin. Find your passport. Pack nice clothes. Meet them at the airport. If you do that it may well be good fun. If you don't set boundaries and do the martyr thing of taking on all the crap from all the other adults then it will be horrid. They are all adults. You are not the mother of anyone involved. Or say no thanks. Let them go and have a holiday of your own at home or abroad.

I’d say fine to the group holiday but ONLY on the all-inclusive basis AND he is wholly responsible for booking /organising it on the ground AND there’s a separate holiday for the pair of you, which you are happy to book /organise…

Sounds like hell even if you get on with those invited. I hate this so vote YANBU

Even if I was going to be waited on hand and foot in seven-star luxury, I wouldn’t be going on holiday with my in-laws and my husband’s ex-wife. It’s barmy!

This could be a no win situation for you.

On the one hand you end up picking up the load and end up skivvying for everyone. No holiday at all.

On the other you stick to your guns and sit. back and do nothing. But he does the same, or looks puzzled and overwhelmed, and ex steps in to the breach and takes over. Then it leaves you looking like the miserable cow outsider.

I do think you need a frank discussion. Tell him it's not what you were thinking of and why. Ask him to consider how much of a holiday he will have if he is shopping, cooking and looking after 8 (or is it 9) adults.

Definitely sounds like two separate holidays if you can afford it.

Your city break as a couple is easily and not expensively realised with so many wonderful places to go to now travel has opened up.

The bigger group thing is doable but more problematic and expensive. Is DH intending that you pay for everyone?

Can you afford both holidays? I think I'd press ahead with your couples one and make vaguely interested noises about the group one. We do an extended holiday cottage in the UK once a year with relatives. It's fun most of the time, but not what I'd call a real holiday.

For a family group as you describe I'd be looking for all inclusive in somewhere like Greece. History, walking, pool, beach, food and clearing up on tap. And I wouldn't be sharing a room with anyone but dh.

No way would I be doing self catering in Spain.

OP - why are you missing the obvious solution of a hotel?!

Just say "the work involved with a self catering holiday for that many people will painful, so to avoid someone having to do it all, we need to book an all inclusive hotel, or just be us for self catering."

A hotel with activities put on for you. Much more civilised.

Mil keeps suggesting similar. While I like them, my holiday is something I want to have control of rather than fitting round everyone else. I could manage a weekend. Dh hasn’t said no but he doesn’t bring it up and doesn’t commit anything. He’s promised me we don’t have to do it!

Agree. That's no holiday for you. Unless it's all inclusive.
I've booked 10 days, breakfast only at a simply greece place we have been to before. Sunbed. Lunch at the pool bar, mosey out in the evening for a meal. Stop at ice cream shop on way back.
Me, dh and youngest daughter (14).
Later in year might do something with older ones/elderly mum/grandchild but I need a proper holiday first.

Just say no, I wouldn't do that but I wouldn't have any hesitation in waving him off on his own to have whatever holiday he wants and doing my own thing with a friend (or on my own).

But I suppose it's different if you actually want to have a holiday with him ... although the fact that he wants to holiday with his parents, grown up children, their partners plus his ex (!!) doesn't make him sound like the sort of person I would choose to spend time with.

@JustJam4Tea

I wouldn’t be doing the cooking or organising. Only enough to be polite. So dh would get stressed by it all or get to the end of the day and be puzzled by nothing for tea or a tiny bit put out when he realises he can’t go out for a long walk and do the shopping for 8 people…

But that's his problem surely? You can just relax while he gets stressed.

If you get hungry/thirsty, you just say 'I'm off out for a walk/drink/meal/shop across the road' does anyone want to come?

If you get people saying 'can you get me X, Y or Z' then you tell them to come and choose their own because you can't carry everything or don't know what brands they have.

On the matter of cooking it sounds like there's so many people going that everyone only needs to do a day or two in a fortnight anyway. No cleaning necessary except keeping the kitchen usable, so again, everyone does their bit for a day or two.

It only descends into cooking and cleaning for everyone when you try to keep up with everything like you would at home, which isn't necessary because you just sit outside in the sun and ignore it, and you're leaving in a week or two anyway so how bad could it possibly get?

Unfortunately @BarbaraofSeville having been on a few of these holidays, very few people actually do their fair share, which would indeed result in everyone having a small and manageable amount of work.

Instead there's an expectation- conscious or unconscious- that middle aged women will pick up absolutely bloody everything and trying not to do that results in arguments and sulking. Young adults seem to be the worst, but useless BILs are even more annoying.

It's easier and less annoying to ultimately take on most of the organising and apportion out tasks, or try to be very hands off about the whole thing. I've had to learn to let dirty dishes lie and not wipe tables and clean up or you turn into an unpaid housemaid, ironically the one actually financing the break.

It can be enjoyable- DS is an only and he enjoys the company- but it's not a relaxing holiday.

So don't go self catering then. Hotel or AI. Job done.

Who's paying though?
Villa for 8 could be around £2-3k for a week. A hotel booking with 5 rooms AI - easily £10k.

Sod that for a game of soldiers!

He's sociable, likes hanging out with his family, they are close. I'm more of an introvert, need my own space. It's fine in small doses.

I'm also a terrible people pleaser so get stressed if everyone wants to do different things - but all together.

I want to spend time with my DH on holiday - we do holiday well together. And bits of a big family holiday would be fun.

I quite like the ideas up thread of I'll organise our holiday for the 2 of us and then say, "yes dear that sounds lovely" to the family thing, and if he organises it I'll go. [or book a break to a Greek island with a friend and let him get on with it...]

But OP, why would it have to be a self catering villa holiday? You seem very fixed on the idea it must be self catering all in one house together type holiday. An AI hotel, or even a cruise would fix most of the issues. You don't have to organise it, you can just say you won't go on a group SC holiday but happy to go on a group AI one. Leave it to him to price up.

Go on a Neilson/Mark Warner holiday, if he can afford it and you really are okay with going away with his ex and kids (you sound really lovely btw!).

Half board, lots and lots of activities for the kids, and you can see each other as little or as much as you like.

@MargosKaftan I'm not fixed on anything. But I know he had memories of taking the kids away when they were little - on big extended family holidays in villas and (I think has airbrushed away any of the details.... )

He enjoyed it and wants to do it again.

So offer hotel holiday as a compromise. It would be the best given the ages involved. Just because they did villas when kids were little, doesn't mean that's the best option now. Villas work well with little kids as you can relax and have dinner when they are in bed, but for young adults, a hotel would work better.