To think this was totally inappropriate parenting?

[eggstremereaction]

Couldn't resist the username opportunity whilst name changing but genuinely upset about what happened

2 year old had a kinder egg as a treat, had spent hours going on about it, was very excited, literally shaking and stamping his feet when the lady in the shop passed it to him at the tills (yes over reaction but he is little) anyway I don't let him open until we get gone and he's very good doesn't try and open it the car, keeps saying "I excited" and giggling, was very cute and dh and me were both laughing finding it cute

Got home, I went and got a bowl to put it in, gave it to toddler, he was happy and took it into the lounge and broke it up in the bowl. Came running in with the toy asking me to open it which I did but doing so left dog unattended around egg which he'd left on the sofa so he went running back in to eat it and it was gone and he was hysterical, so upset. I thought it was fair enough, he's two! He was excited. Yes it's only a chocolate egg but he's tiny and isn't going to react like an adult would. Dh said it was ridiculous, huge overeaction, started saying his excitement in the first place was too intense for chocolate, unhealthy reaction blah blah blah. I went to go back in the car and get him another one, shops only 5 mins and it was like 60p it doesn't matter and it'll make him happy and dh said if I dare go get him an egg I am completely undermining his parenting. So toddler just kept crying. He was saying he was sad and wanted an egg, in the end I said to dh I'm just going to get one and I jumped in the car.

Got back and could hear screaming from the driveway. Toddler was in his room (behind closed stair gate) dh saying you can come out when you stop crying. Pathetic it's an egg. I went and got toddler and took him downstairs and gave him his egg and said it is completely ok to be upset, he's not in any trouble and to just be very careful to not leave food around the dog so this doesn't happen again as I won't always be able to go get a replacement. Dh really annoyed that I undermined him and said I'm too soft and he's going to be a spoilt entitled boy. He just wanted a bloody kinder egg.

Was I unreasonable or was this really inappropriate on his part?

Sorry but your dh is the one that needs to get a grip. Of course if a grown adult had reacted like this to a dog eating their chocolate then it would be a bit ridiculous but it's an absolutely proportionate reaction for a baby. If your DH had just been the adult and given your child a cuddle and distracted them they would've probably gotten over it quuckly and in turn would've learned that daddy is there to meet his needs rather than 'daddy invalidates the things that are important to me and I'm a bad human being for having these feelings' I actually feel really sad for the poor child Please as pp said get the dog checked too x

@jacks11

I would not have driven to buy another egg. I think you would have been better to try and settle him, not run out and replace the egg. It would have helped him to learn that things not going to plan aren’t a disaster. He is little and was excited, but he could probably have been comforted and calmed down.

I think your DH over-reacted.

I’m not sure a distraught two-year-old can learn that lesson. To him, the chocolate being eaten IS a disaster, because it is. He’s little, his world is small, and the chocolate looms large in it. Small children don’t have context and life history to be able to go “Ah, just a Kinder egg – that’s nothing compared to a pandemic or WW3! I’ll be fine!”

If anything, if he was able to learn something, he learned his mum is kind, and small upsets can be easily fixed, and sometimes everything’s going to be OK. Those are good lessons for a two year old. His dad has taught him some awful ones.

@WonderfulYou

You both are BU.

Dogs, toddlers and food are not a good mix - he ran into you to open it meaning there was no one supervising him whilst eating it and no matter how friendly your dog is that is not a good mix.

I also think it’s ridiculous that you went to get into the car to drive and get him another kinder egg!!

He needs to learn that you can’t just get in the car and drive to the shop just to buy one small thing like that - if you carry on like that he is going to turn out very spoilt and you’ll end up making a rod for your own back.

He still had the toy and you could have said we’ll get you another one next time we go or even had a nice stroll there later on.
But jumping in the car straight away is very OTT.

Your DHs reaction was by far the worst!
I too would be upset if my dog ate something I was looking forward to so much.

I completely understand his reaction to you wanting to buy him another and his parenting is probably a reflection of your parenting - he knows what your son will turn out like if there is no discipline so he needs to be the one to do that if you’re not going to.
But he is still very young and there’s a way to discipline without being cruel.

You both could do with some reflection on your parenting and try and get on the same page else you’re going to have these problems for the next 18+ years.

I think this is probably accurate. Your husband over-reacted. You over-reacted to your child being upset, rather than simply comforting him.

Sounds like both you and DH could learn something from this. Your DH needs to learn to keep his cool, you need to learn not to be quite so soft. You both need to talk about what happened today and listen to the other point of view, come to some understanding of how things ended up where they were (unless there is going to be some further posts detailing that your DH is generally angry/shouts/over-reacts and is controlling/abusive- I’m which case this incident is a very small part of your problems).

I wonder if your DH feels you over-indulge him and tries to make up for it by being very strict. He got cross when you went to get another egg as he felt it was over the top and would lead to your son expecting a “quick fix” every time something didn’t quite go to plan, rather than helping him to manage his upset/make the most of what he had left. I suspect you are quite indulgent and softer, perhaps because you feel DH is too strict. Maybe compromise needed on both sides.

I do agree, however, that on this occasion your DH over-reacted by shutting your DS is his room. I suspect he was made even more angry by your going to get the egg, your DS picked up on the atmosphere and got more upset but because your DH was already angry he was more irritated and lost the plot a bit. It’s not ok, but if this is not how he normally is, then I think you’ll get further by trying to understand why this incident happened so you can address it properly.

You didn't do anything wrong your husband needs to understand the mind of a two year old! Two year olds get excited and it's lovely to see x btw of course your dog will be fine. My two eat the occasional chocolate digestive no issues.

It does seem like a massive overreaction from your DH but reading between the lines I did raise an eyebrow a bit at how at loggerheads you two were, clearly disagreeing with each other in front of the child. Did your DH dig his heels in so much because you undermining him to DS is a running theme?

At two mine would have had it in the car and it would have been a non issue. Am I the only one wondering if your dh is neurotic about the car?

However, had they waited until home, it would have been opened at the kitchen table because frankly my dc alone with chocolate and furniture was never advisable.

Having said that, your husband's an arse. Mine would have gone for another kinder egg and left me with the howling child.

1. Your dog could be very sick as a result of eating a chocolate egg.
2. That's really mean what your DH did. Basically saying it not ok to show emotion or get upset! This is why people have MH issues because boys are told to 'man up' or not act like a girl or a baby etc.

*I’m not sure a distraught two-year-old can learn that lesson. To him, the chocolate being eaten IS a disaster, because it is. He’s little, his world is small, and the chocolate looms large in it. Small children don’t have context and life history to be able to go “Ah, just a Kinder egg – that’s nothing compared to a pandemic or WW3! I’ll be fine!”

If anything, if he was able to learn something, he learned his mum is kind, and small upsets can be easily fixed, and sometimes everything’s going to be OK. Those are good lessons for a two year old. His dad has taught him some awful ones*

But what about when it can’t be replaced @stuntbubbles. I wouldn’t want the only way to calm my children down by replacing something. What if it’s a piece of cake at a birthday party and there’s no more? I certainly would have said we’d get another one next time we go to the shops and I’d offer an alternative at home but I wouldn’t expect my children to be upset for long about it.

If the child was older and the father said to the child no you can’t have something and then the mother gave it, that is undermining. Even then punishing the child or the mother is unacceptable.

If the father had attempted to comfort and calm the child the OP may have been undermining him but he didn’t he dared her not to get an egg and then put a distressed 2 year old in his room.

Im not of the LTB brigade, I agree that parents have to work together and when they disagree they he should respect each other and talk about it. I would struggle to respect a man who behaved like that.

As far as undermining goes I think OP was right to question his reaction and the DH has spectacularly undermined her. This was a 2 year old very excited about a treat who couldn’t handle his disappointment. So the father can’t handle the tantrum or his own emotions but expects the 2 year old child to control his?

If the dog ate my kinder egg I'd be off to the shop to buy another. Plenty of time for them to learn that sometimes things can't be replaced, he's 2 and it's an easily replaceable kinder egg

Just as an aside I would NEVER give chocolate to a dog now but when I was a child we fed lots of our chocolate to our little dog as a treat as we didn't know any better. He did live to be a ripe old age

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

I would have done exactly like you, OP. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't replace the egg unless money was tight? There is plenty of time and opportunities for the wee thing to learn that somethings cannot be replaced

I wonder if your DH feels you over-indulge him and tries to make up for it by being very strict.

The thing is, from what I’ve seen, these men that can’t stand their children being ‘over indulged’, expect a lot of attention themselves from their partners and simply get very angry when their partner gives that attention and care to their child. Sad cunts.

We have both done things like this for our children in the past, they’ve never been spoiled or bratty like some are suggesting. There’s times when you can’t make everything better for your children, and there’s times when it’s important that they learn consequences but this isn’t one of those times.

@Girlonit OP says in her opening post she explained she can’t always fix it, but in this instance, she could. I think it would be a horrendous way to teach that lesson, given that it wasn’t the kid’s fault at all. Kids have so little control over their lives. As an adult, I’d have replaced my treat. @Blossomtoes replaced her mum’s dropped ice cream, I replaced my 3yo’s dropped orange juice yesterday, it’s OK to offer that as the fix if that’s the fix. Leave the “it can’t always be fixed” lesson to the thing that can’t be fixed, imo.

All of which is a red herring anyway because the real issue here is a dad shutting a crying two year old in his room and saying he can’t come out til he’s stopped crying! And not as an “I’m in here with you, let’s have quiet time till you’re calm” measure to end a tantrum, but instead of comforting a distraught toddler! It’s horrible.

@stuntbubbles

I’m afraid I disagree. My DC’s all has similar accidents with treats or toys- yes there were tears and upset, even tantrums, when things went wrong. But I didn’t run out and replace every time- I did on occasion (e.g, just bought an ice cream which got dropped) if it was easy to do but not routinely/most of the time. I would not have gone back out specifically and solely to replace a kinder egg (especially as still had the toy). I don’t think fixing every little thing that goes wrong/gets lost/is damaged is helpful in the long run. I don’t think it harms children, even young ones, to discover that sometimes things don’t go to plan but that you can make the best of it. A cuddle, reassurance and distraction usually did the trick with all of mine.

Also, it was a 60p kinder egg. Why was it blown completely out of proportion as a mega treat by either of you in the first place. Thinking it through the toys in kinder eggs were tiny and a two year old certainly shouldn't have been left alone with it.

You were both out of order, not least by hyping up something so tiny as a mega treat. It was a Kinder egg, a 60p Kinder egg.

@jacks11 Nor do I – I think cuddles and distraction and explanations are also useful tools. But I think when somethings so easily fixed, and when it is 100% not the kid’s fault, it’s good to fix it. This was the parents’ fault for leaving the dog, toddler and chocolate unsupervised together: replacing the egg is the right thing to do.

@Philisophigal

Don't leave chocolate where your dog can get to it. You are an idiot and owe your kid a kinder egg. If I was your husband I'd be seriously reconsidering if I'd want to stay with someone as dumb and irresponsible as you tbh, I think you got off lightly.

You’d leave over a Kinder egg? I guess your partner would be better off in that case.

Sorry but it's obvious here that DH has zero understanding of how a 2YO's brain works and develops and if my DH was being that much of an arse about it then you're damned right I'd be undermiming him. Yes parenting should be shared but at the end of the day I'm my child's number one advocate not my grown-ass adult husband so if something is blatantly wrong then I'm not going to compromise.

Not much cocoa in a kinder so the dog should be fine. Little one acted like a little one. Husband was a prize plank and should kick and scream before he gets any for the foreseeable future

Wow total lack of empathy from your husband. He does realise a 2 year old will react like a 2 year old, not an adult. He needs to reshape his expectations fast if he doesn’t want to fuck up his kid by teaching him not to express his feelings.

I totally would have got another chocolate for my little one, if you drop something you were eating you would replace it with another one wouldn’t you. Not be like ‘oh well, I’ll chalk it down to experience’ 🤷‍♀️

You did the right thing OP, I hope you discuss this with your DH, he really needs to learn about children’s brains and how they develop.

I would be more worried about the dog tbh

The dog will be fine, the cocoa content will be relatively low.

Your poor son, he’s 2. It’s totally normal to get excited about things we find trivial. His world is smaller and more intense. Your DH sounds cruel.

Your dog will be fine. There's hardly any cocoa in kinder chocolate.

Your dh is a dick and seriously lacking in emotional intelligence.