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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws came to see my new baby 10 times in the first two weeks last time...

304 replies

wardrobewarrior · 03/04/2022 04:49

When I had my DD, two and a bit years ago, my in laws came to my house 10 times in the first two weeks of her life.

I was utterly miserable and devastated and no one spoke up for me and I had no strength to speak up for myself.

I begged my husband to ask them not to come, but he didn't want to upset them.

I had a really hard time breast feeding, felt disgusting and really had a severe case of the baby blues, later even PND. I wasn't able to always put a happy face on when they'd come round and openly ask how it was going with the feeding etc. and this made me look bad to them. My father in law even made some comments that life is too short to always be so miserable. I'll never know if it was directed at me. But in my mental state, it was directed at me.

I'm having my second baby in a few weeks and I'm terrified this will happen again. My husband also insisted his other family members came round at around 3 weeks post birth last time. But I also didn't want them to come yet and wasn't ready. It was really really a hard time for me. I was devastated constantly and I felt very alone and like no one understood or supported me. Even my mum was around and said that I had to let the in laws come over because you can't say no and it's rude and I'll come across badly.

This evening, my in laws came round for the second day in a row for some strange reason. Eventhough I made it clear I wasn't really up for it and it brought back all the memories. My mum is here visiting at the moment and I said to her that we cannot have a repeat from last time and she said again, you can't really say no and to not make a fuss. It's really triggered me and I'm really angry that no one supports me in this.

I think if I feel the same way again this time, I will need to explain to them that I can't have them visit as much.

In an argument we had when my first was a couple of months old, they told me I had made them feel unwelcome in my house with my attitude after the birth of my daughter. I really was devastated I couldn't breastfeed and my hormones were all over the place. My body was all weird and my stomach all hanging over my c section scar. I really just didn't want anyone to see me like that for a prolonged period of time. I also cried a lot and I didn't want them to see me cry. I think if they hadn't been all up in my face, my mental health might have been better.

I've never forgiven my husband for this. He knows this. I want him to have a word with them before the birth, that I will need space in my home from them and that they shouldn't take it personally. I'm very worried he will not stick up for me. My mum will be here to help me and I also told her that she needs to support me. She's the sort of person who doesn't understand why I cried so much etc, because she didn't feel that way. So it's hard to get through to her. I think she thinks I'm just a bit pathetic. I'll just need to be my own advocate if no one else supports me this time, I guess.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/04/2022 10:23

Could you go and stay with your mother?

OP, sort out your contraception.

You are having children with a man you don't trust to look after you and have your back.

Not a good idea.

GirlsTalk250 · 03/04/2022 10:27

I think 10 times in 2 weeks is a lot. But if your mum was there, perhaps DH wanted his DP close too.

Original poster
wardrobewarrior · 03/04/2022 10:30

@GirlsTalk250

I think 10 times in 2 weeks is a lot. But if your mum was there, perhaps DH wanted his DP close too.
My mum was essentially there also lightening the load on him massively. He couldn't be there because he had to work. So it doesn't really stack up. She wasn't having a jolly like his parents were.
OP posts:
ServantofthePeople · 03/04/2022 10:30

Give them the job of looking after older child! Can’t older child go visit them?

That would give them an important role

PebbleMillAtOne · 03/04/2022 10:31

What way would you like to be told not to visit so often? Then tell others that way

ComDummings · 03/04/2022 10:32

It’s hard, I’ve been there to an extent but you have to stand up for yourself. Of course your mum should be there, she’s looking after you. It’s not the same as your in laws who don’t give a shit about you, frankly and are just there for the baby.
You can’t rely on your husband to support you so dig deep and find your strength and tell them to leave or ignore the door or if they say you’ve made them feel unwelcome tell them flatly that they are unwelcome for days and days in a row! If they’re jealous of your mum that’s their problem, the relationship you have with your mum is different and that’s totally normal. You can do this OP. Stick up for yourself. Z

Moancup · 03/04/2022 10:33

Your DH choose to work, and you allowed him to prioritise this.

RantyAunty · 03/04/2022 10:33

OP would it be possible for you to stay at your mums for a couple weeks after you give birth?

Freetodowhatiwant · 03/04/2022 10:38

Ten times in two weeks is a lot BUT playing Devil’s advocate your own mum was there. I do get there she was supporting you but from their point of view they are also grandparents and i can see how they would feel left out. Why don’t you find something useful for them to do, like take your older child out so you can have bonding baby time and they will also not feel so left out.

Poppinjay · 03/04/2022 10:38

He wants them born here and he also wouldn't be able to be around as much etc if they would be born abroad.

Offer him the choice then; either he agrees to protect you here or you will go to your DM's where your MH will be protected by her and by the distance.

Zonder · 03/04/2022 10:39

It would seem fairer to me to give them jobs to do when they come, then they can lighten your mum's load. Get DH to list some of the jobs they can do. It could be that they just want to be part of the family, like your mum is, so you can treat them the same and they can be helpful.

Staryflight445 · 03/04/2022 10:41

‘ Mumsnet is one of those weird twilight zones where having a relationship with your husband's parents is the strangest thing on earth. I think more people should open their hearts to their MILs and realise that not all of them are after their grandchildren’

A relationship between a women and her mother in law can be full of glory, trust and be amazing. But that still doesn’t mean she wants her around every day after she’s just birthed a child.

Staryflight445 · 03/04/2022 10:43

Mine isn’t coming until I feel up to getting dressed. It’s as simple as that. I don’t want anyone coming whilst I’m in my scruffs and feeling overwhelmed.

If they’re offended at that they can completely piss off.

Original poster
wardrobewarrior · 03/04/2022 10:46

@Moancup

Your DH choose to work, and you allowed him to prioritise this.
It's not like that at all. There's not much choice here. It's complicated and I'm not getting into it. But it's NOT a choice.
OP posts:
RantyAunty · 03/04/2022 10:57

How much childcare, housework, and support did your DH do when your 1st was born and now?

ILoveYou3000 · 03/04/2022 11:04

For all those talking about equality, they do realise OP's mum lives abroad, thus the in-laws will see more of the grandchildren.

If it's all to be equal then should her in-laws not be able to visit every week or spend time with the GC because the OP's mum can't?

YorkshireRog · 03/04/2022 11:06

This is awful! I am lucky in that both my parents and MIL would never impose like that. And, tbh my other half would support me. I hope you can be your own advocate. Good luck. Sorry you are going through this

CoastalWave · 03/04/2022 11:07

@wardrobewarrior

My mum doesn't live here. So she's coming over to give me a hand with my older one, as my husband won't be around a lot as he works a lot and I'm having a c section. No one else is from my family will be coming over any time soon after the birth. Same as last time.

I am not favouring my mum. It's just the situation. I really need her.

But that's what will upset inlaws. If your mum is coming to give you a hand with the older one, can't she share this responsibility with his parents?

You actually ARE favouring your mum - which is completely understandable by the way. But imagine how you might feel in years to come when your son has a baby and your daughter in law puts up the brick wall with her daughter and freezes you out?

You need to find a compromise.

NdefH81 · 03/04/2022 11:08

Completely take post birth out of the equation for a moment

What is your marriage like? How is yourDH with your children? What is your relationship like with your mother and in laws? Do you have friends and hobbies?

NdefH81 · 03/04/2022 11:08

Work?

Fredstheteds · 03/04/2022 11:09

Following as I have to set similar- I rushed my parents in laws round next day who sat for hours and were no help what so ever. Next time big no no we need space and unless you can be helpful sorry leave us alone

Original poster
wardrobewarrior · 03/04/2022 11:10

@CoastalWave sharing the care of the first one with the in laws isn't actually something I hugely object to. I object to the fact of them potentially being here every evening expecting to wake a baby up and being intrusive in my home while I'm not feeling well. If they want to watch my eldest, they're welcome to do that.

My DD goes to Nursey though during the week, so if they want to pick her up on a Saturday that's fine by me. As long as they're not constantly here. But I suspect they'll want to come in and see the baby whenever they come.

OP posts:
Original poster
wardrobewarrior · 03/04/2022 11:11

@NdefH81

Completely take post birth out of the equation for a moment

What is your marriage like? How is yourDH with your children? What is your relationship like with your mother and in laws? Do you have friends and hobbies?

Why do you need this detail ?
OP posts:
Fredstheteds · 03/04/2022 11:11

Give the inlaws jobs- hoovering, bring you food etc- sure they will soon disappear esp if works involved and tell the husband your way or tough- he’s the dad and he’s not given birth or has hormones and they are his parents and you don’t dance to their tune

ILoveYou3000 · 03/04/2022 11:12

*But that's what will upset inlaws. If your mum is coming to give you a hand with the older one, can't she share this responsibility with his parents?

You actually ARE favouring your mum - which is completely understandable by the way. But imagine how you might feel in years to come when your son has a baby and your daughter in law puts up the brick wall with her daughter and freezes you out?

You need to find a compromise.*

They're not being 'frozen out'. OP just wants the consideration she didn't have last time. Perhaps if they'd been a bit kinder and more respectful then, there would be no issue now.

I ask again if it's all about keeping it fair then should the in-laws have to limit their visits to when OP's mum is around? Otherwise it's not fair they're getting far more time with the grandchildren, is it?

Or should they be expected to be a little mature, look at the bigger picture and realise actually they have it better? They live close and see their grandchild often. They even visit more when OP's mum is around, so it's not like they're losing out then.

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