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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate stepdaughter calling past 10pm

153 replies

Wishforyou · 02/04/2022 22:13

Just been out with husband and had a lovely evening, looking forward to bed though - you know how it is last a certain age. Got into bed and his phone goes off. I immediately know who it is - his stepdaughter (she’s 17 and nocturnal). He always answers and has a loud long conversation in bed with her. I’m generally asleep by 10.30pm. Often she wants him to be her agony aunt at 11pm at night. I think there’s a reasonable time of day to offer advice and support and this isn’t it. I just asked him if he insists on indulging her this late to do it downstairs and got a mouthful about how unreasonable I am??? Am I??

OP posts:
OatmilkandCookies · 03/04/2022 09:25

@Pushmepullyou

You’re totally unreasonable to object to her calling, but not at all unreasonable to ask him to take the call downstairs
This
Original poster
Wishforyou · 03/04/2022 09:33

@Innocenta when people make massive leaps in the story and label me based on their fake news:

Imagine a man telling his wife that she isn’t allowed to take calls after 10pm. Controlling.


Haven’t ever said he can’t take calls.

Then imagine a man telling his wife she isn’t allowed to take calls from her teenage daughter after 10pm. That would certainly get a strong reaction.
Again, haven’t ever said he can’t take calls from his daughter.

These type of comments are unhelpful, untrue, and unkind and could mislead, so yes I find them abusive. However the vast majority have been helpful. We’ll leave it at that.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 03/04/2022 09:36

The comment I’m about controlling behaviour was in response to Polyanthus2 who suggested the daughter should be told not to call.

I am sorry am that I have upset you. These conversations tend to take on a life of their own and people respond to each other!

But hey at least it wasn’t after 10pm😂😂

Mellowyellow222 · 03/04/2022 09:37

And please google a definition of abusive. A conversation on mumsnet is not abuse

Innocenta · 03/04/2022 09:37

@Wishforyou It's still not abuse. You're really misusing and cheapening the term.

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 09:41

@familyissues12345 I didn't know for ages then stumbled across it somewhere. I don't know if it's a setting or the default. Anyway it's hand when someone passes away or is in hospital. It's not handy when your drunk mate also knows this and phones you to go "raaaaa whatsup" in the middle of the night.

okayigetit · 03/04/2022 09:43

She can call her dead whenever she wants to, but he should take the call in another room

Sailorsusan · 03/04/2022 09:49

YANBU OP. We get late night calls from nocturnal MIL. Happy for DH to take the call if he wants, but not next to me!

CornishGem1975 · 03/04/2022 09:52

He should take the call elsewhere but not unreasonable to call. I have a DD of a similar age who is with me 50/50. She knows she can call me anytime of the night or day.

balalake · 03/04/2022 09:55

I think anyone calling at that time of night unless it is an emergency (the kind where you would probably have called 999) is unreasonable.

However, if it happens, going to another room is a reasonable response and considerate.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 03/04/2022 09:56

I put my phone on do not disturb after 9pm got peed off with people ringing me to tell me mundane stuff that could wait till the next day . After 9pm I put dc to bed watch a bit if tv for a hour then bed . Dh does the same but mil often rings at 10.30 when on way to bed again nothing that can’t wait it’s because she’s remembered something and will probably forget tomorrow Hmm. My dad would also ring to tell me something and say get a pen write this down I’m like tomorrow I’m on my way to bed , then he’d take great offence .
Tbh phones are so anti social people should learn to respect boundaries. Your dh can take the phone call in another room if he insists on taking the call yanbu .

familyissues12345 · 03/04/2022 09:58

I think your DH should absolutely move downstairs if he wants to have a chat with his daughter.

I am a bit confused with what caused the anger from your DH though, in your first post you used language like telling him he indulges his daughter, later you say you asked him to Ooh maybe you could move downstairs? Both pretty different which imo would get very different reactions from the person being spoken to.

I wouldn't be too impressed if my husband told me that helping my 18 year old son (his stepson) was indulging him. Your DH doesn't turn off being a parent just because he doesn't live with his daughter 24/7

He definitely should be taking the call downstairs though

ilovepuppies2019 · 03/04/2022 10:00

YANBU to want him to take the call in another room but YADBU to expect that she won't call after 10pm. The thought makes me quite sad as she obviously needs someone to talk to her and her DF should be available to her. You sound quite patronising about her 'teenage angst'. Given the skyrocketing levels of self harm and serious mental health challenges in young people it's very important to take their concerns seriously. Her problems aren't less important because she's young. At 17, it's a time when a parent is still an essential person in her life to her her work through her emotions. If she lived with you then what would you do as she would almost certainly be up to 10pm and wanting to talk to her dad in person. She might also be watching movies, have friends over, need to be picked up later etc... At only 17 her wellbeing should still be her DFs primary concern. He should take the call in another room but she really needs to be a bigger priority than you given that you're an adult who can take reasonable steps to care for herself. That's just the reality of having children. Personally I would suggest that you reframe this as thinking about what your DF would be doing if she lived with you and consider this the normal standard. Just a phone at 10pm is a very small level of effort in the grand scheme of raising a child.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 03/04/2022 10:06

I think it's really sweet that your DSD feels she can talk to her dad like that. It sounds like they have a lovely relationship.

I have a similar relationship with my mum and I was eternally glad she answered the phone when I was in the middle of a panic attack at 2am once and she came and helped me out and got me the help I needed.

Your DSD has done nothing wrong here - let's be honest, 10pm isn't that late. Your issues is with your partner not thinking about how the call is disturbing you.

But having said that, the first time this happened I'd have said "I'm trying to sleep, can you talk to her downstairs?" - why have you let it build up into something that pisses you off this much?

timeforteaforyouandme · 03/04/2022 10:11

She is still a child at 17 and his responsibility. Important to remember that.
He should take the phone downstairs

MrsLargeEmbodied · 03/04/2022 10:12

my own dd often messages late at night,
in fact early this morning but she is abroad
but very commonly late at night
at least it is a text and not a phone call though

he really should take the call elsewhere imo

Sceptre86 · 03/04/2022 10:12

Yabu I call my mum at 10pm as she finishes work and gets home for 9.30pm. You don't get to dictate when his child calls and as a parent myself I'd always answer my kids call. Out of courtesy he should take the call in another room so as to allow you to go sleep.

timeforteaforyouandme · 03/04/2022 10:13

You said that you're not saying he can't take the calls but you used the word "indulging"
He's her dad

Original poster
Wishforyou · 03/04/2022 10:15

@Innocenta maybe we have different thresholds. Especially if you’re on here often, I’m not.
It was also people jumping to the conclusion I hate my stepdaughter which other Mumsnetters rightly shot down, the sarcastic “new wife” comment (we’ve been together a decade and I’m the only wife he’s had). And the controlling comments.
I just don’t see why people feel the need to throw stones. I only asked whether it was reasonable he took the call elsewhere.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 03/04/2022 10:17

I do think it's your use of terms like "indulging" and "agony aunt" that has got people's backs up, OP, particularly parents of teenagers.

I have a 17yo son who will come and sit on our bed in the small ours and pour his heart out when he has been building up worry about something and needs to talk. It's the nature of the teenage brain that things suddenly overwhelm them and need to be talked about now. Your DH responding to her when she needs him is evidence that he is parenting her, rather than just maintaining a bare-minimum EOW relationship like so many divorced fathers. It's a good thing.

He should be taking it elsewhere, and being as considerate about your need to sleep as he is about her need to talk. It's your relationship that needs looking at, not theirs.

PonyPatter44 · 03/04/2022 10:21

Presumably her title references the SD because no other reasonable person phones "for a chat" at 10.00 at night!!

Mellowyellow222 · 03/04/2022 10:22

Op I think you need to be a bit realistic here. You didn’t start a thread about your husband taking loud calls in bed. You titled a thread you hate your step daughter calling after 10pm.

The first post yes complained about your husband but also complained about your step daughter.

You must realise the responses would be focused on your attitude to the girl?

If it wasn’t about her why the focus on her? If it was solely about your husband talking loudly on the phone in bed after 10pm that’s all you needed to say. All your responses would have told you the obvious answer. Tell him to take the call downstairs - if he huffs tell him to grow up and learn some manners.

But the post was titled you hate your stepdaughter calling and the post was focused on what she is saying in these calls. Then it became about how she should contact her dad the next day when she has calmed down (which was bound to get people commenting about parenting).

I think you are being a bit precious here.

Mellowyellow222 · 03/04/2022 10:24

@PonyPatter44

Presumably her title references the SD because no other reasonable person phones "for a chat" at 10.00 at night!!
We live very different lives!! My friends will call at this time at the weekend if we aren’t out. 10pm on a Friday or Saturday night isn’t late for a lot of people.
PebbleMillAtOne · 03/04/2022 10:41

If they are both happy to chat at this time I don’t see an issue. Maybe you could have a few minutes to talk to her too build a relationship with her. She could be calling so late because she thinks you’ll be asleep.

FrazzledMCPremenopausalWoman · 03/04/2022 10:41

DSD(15) does this - also via text too. We put our phones on silent when we go to bed (if she were ill or in a serious situation her mum would phone our landline and has done so in the past, so it's not like he's uncontactable in an emergency). It's common that he wakes up to several missed calls and numerous more text messages from DSD, while she's safe and well at her mum's house (or even safe and well in her bedroom here, about 20 feet away from us) because she needs to know RIGHT NOW if she can get a lift somewhere at weekend/have some cash to go to such-a-place next Friday/have her mates stay over in two weeks' time etc. the tone of the messages gets increasingly frustrated and irate throughout the night.
Thankfully it's not my issue as his phone's on silent and I can sleep/listen to my earphones, so I just leave him to it. I'd have to say something to him if it was affecting my ability to sleep/relax though - so inconsiderate.