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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate stepdaughter calling past 10pm

153 replies

Wishforyou · 02/04/2022 22:13

Just been out with husband and had a lovely evening, looking forward to bed though - you know how it is last a certain age. Got into bed and his phone goes off. I immediately know who it is - his stepdaughter (she’s 17 and nocturnal). He always answers and has a loud long conversation in bed with her. I’m generally asleep by 10.30pm. Often she wants him to be her agony aunt at 11pm at night. I think there’s a reasonable time of day to offer advice and support and this isn’t it. I just asked him if he insists on indulging her this late to do it downstairs and got a mouthful about how unreasonable I am??? Am I??

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 03/04/2022 00:54

@Wishforyou

Yes agreed they can chat any time of night if they’re both happy, just don’t do it in my left ear hole when I’m trying to sleep. Also she does this thing where she throws in a problem with mates or whatever and then he tries to solve it, she rejects his advice getting more and more flustered and upset, he started getting louder and repeatedly saying her name to get through to her and it’s just all too much drama this late at night. I’m sympathetic to her teenage angst, I just think it’s better slept on and talked through in the warm light of day when everyone is well rested…
I think your own advice, to sleep on it and talk in the cold light of day, could have applied to you here, tbh. When teens want to talk to their parents, the timing is completely arbitrary. My teen’s favourite time is when I’ve just parked up at home, and she suddenly decides that she has to talk then and at great length while all the groceries are slowly defrosting in the back of the car Smile
Greatoutdoors · 03/04/2022 01:08

This is teenagers. Send dh elsewhere if you need to sleep - and count yourself lucky you don’t have to deal with the drama

BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 04:52

If she rings and you are both in bed then yes he should take the call but go downstairs to talk to her. He is unreasonable to be keeping you awake and that would annoy me also but it is good he is there for her but tell him to go downstairs the next time she rings so you can sleep.

Indicatrice · 03/04/2022 05:25

[quote Wishforyou]@greensleeves have never ever said this to him. I suffer in silence. Tonight is the first time I have said “oooh could you take that downstairs maybe?”[/quote]
Did he say no?

If he did, you’ve got a problem.

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 05:49

See people loan that step mums get a hard time.

But this is an example of why. The problem is the husband taking calls in bed next to op stopping her sleep.

But the title is about how she doesn't like the Steo daughters behaviour. Totally normal behaviour for teenagers. Just eating some time and support from her dad. The language in the op is quite clear op thinks it's the child's behaviour thata a problem.

Then they back track 'oh yes of course they can chat but he should go downstairs'

The ones who do get a hard time seem incapable of seeing that ita actually their partners behaviour that's causing the issue.

Indicatrice · 03/04/2022 05:59

@Neongoddess step-mums ate treated pretty harshly on MN (I’m not a SM).

I think OP blames her DH too (“He always answers and has a loud long conversation in bed with her. “)

I don’t call mu mum after 9pm unless t’s a real emergency so I can see why calling after 10pm can be annoying.

But agreed that it’s her DH OP should be telling that from now on he takes every call after 9 or 10pm downstairs.

blinkler · 03/04/2022 06:01

I agree now it's aweful and hard work. But I was that teenager who gained a step mum when I was 18 and toile me too long to realise how amazing she is. She has never made a point of telling me what she had to put up with and I love and respect her so
Much now x

Polyanthus2 · 03/04/2022 06:03

Totally normal behaviour for teenagers. Just eating some time and support from her dad.

Really? Thank God I had my DCs years ago when this selfish behaviour was not acceptable.
My phone ring is off from 10 to 7 - this is quite normal for the majority of people - only emergency calls get through.

mycatisannoying · 03/04/2022 06:04

Be honest OP, is this a bigger issue than some lateish phone calls? Your husband getting cross suggests that there may be a history of bad feeling with your stepdaughter ...
Anyway, YABU in objecting to the calls, or whatever they choose to talk about. But asking him to take the call elsewhere is reasonable enough.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/04/2022 06:04

You really don't like your stepdaughter do you? The issue is your husband not being considerate enough to take calls elsewhere and allow you to sleep. But you're blaming her, not him.

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 06:28

[quote Indicatrice]@Neongoddess step-mums ate treated pretty harshly on MN (I’m not a SM).

I think OP blames her DH too (“He always answers and has a loud long conversation in bed with her. “)

I don’t call mu mum after 9pm unless t’s a real emergency so I can see why calling after 10pm can be annoying.

But agreed that it’s her DH OP should be telling that from now on he takes every call after 9 or 10pm downstairs.[/quote]
But that's your family.

My mum would call me for a chat late and I would call her. All family's are different. And if my 18 year old wanted to speak to me at 10.30pm I would speak to her.

The title tells you where she lays the blame. She hates the step daughter calling at that time. Not that she hates her dh taking calls in bed next her.

I stand by my point. SM, imo, get a hard time when then are putting the onus on step children/adult children when its actually their partner behaviour that's the main issue.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/04/2022 07:44

He needs to go downstairs to talk, and not be loud, if you are sleeping/trying to sleep!

Polyanthus2 · 03/04/2022 07:49

I stand by my point. SM, imo, get a hard time when then are putting the onus on step children/adult children when its actually their partner behaviour that's the main issue.

Yes, but it will likely be turned into 'you just don't like my daughter' if OP takes it up with DH - and I wouldn't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to call before 10, surely the 17 year old would realise that DH is likely to be more chatty and engaged earlier in the evening rather than in his jamas and waiting to go to sleep.
So the evil SM is not so unreasonable imv.

pictish · 03/04/2022 08:05

She can call her dad late if he’s happy with that but he’s being a cock to take the call in bed. Fuck off elsewhere for your chat.

OverByYer · 03/04/2022 08:09

@EmmaGrundyForPM

You really don't like your stepdaughter do you? The issue is your husband not being considerate enough to take calls elsewhere and allow you to sleep. But you're blaming her, not him.
This , your SD should be able to ring her Dad at what I would say wasn’t an unreasonable late time.
QuebecBagnet · 03/04/2022 08:09

Do you have a spare room? Due to his rudeness I’d be moving in there. You have a dh problem.

tempester28 · 03/04/2022 08:12

He should go to another room and not disturb you, but I think that it is nice that his daughter can call him at anytime with her worries and I think you should support that to be honest

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 08:14

@Pushmepullyou

You’re totally unreasonable to object to her calling, but not at all unreasonable to ask him to take the call downstairs
I agree with this
Mellowyellow222 · 03/04/2022 08:14

@Polyanthus2

I stand by my point. SM, imo, get a hard time when then are putting the onus on step children/adult children when its actually their partner behaviour that's the main issue.

Yes, but it will likely be turned into 'you just don't like my daughter' if OP takes it up with DH - and I wouldn't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to call before 10, surely the 17 year old would realise that DH is likely to be more chatty and engaged earlier in the evening rather than in his jamas and waiting to go to sleep.
So the evil SM is not so unreasonable imv.

Imagine a man telling his wife that she isn’t allowed to take calls after 10pm. Controlling.

Then imagine a man telling his wife she isn’t allowed to take calls from her teenage daughter after 10pm. That would certainly get a strong reaction.

I can’t imagine being in a relationship where someone tried to control when I received calls. I would see it as a massive red flag - that level
Of intolerance and need to control.

The husband should however take the calls downstairs. Op needs to loosen her grip and her husband needs to display some common courtesy. It’s not the teenagers fault her dad and his new wife can’t seem to manage basic communication.

This thread is really odd!

Mumoblue · 03/04/2022 08:15

You don’t have a stepdaughter problem, you have a husband problem. He’s rude to disturb you when you’re trying to sleep, it’s incredibly easy to walk to another room to take a phone call, and his refusal is weird and speaks to a larger disregard for you.

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 08:16

It's also a bit rude to his daughter she might not want you overhearing

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2022 08:16

He sounds inconsiderate. Is he?

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2022 08:25

@Neongoddess You are jumping to the conclusion, as people so often do, that the reason it comes across like OP does not like her SD calling so late is because she hates her, and are acting like that is the only possible explanation. Which is ironic given that the last comment you responded to clearly explained why that is not the case and you totally ignored it to "stand by your point".

People have very different feelings around the etiquette of phone calls. It is widely explored on MN amongst other places and is not a step parenting issue. It's a broader difference of opinion. Some people are happy to be called at any time, some people are not. Some people even want warning before an out of the blue phonecall. Others don't.

I have this with my partner - his family and friends are all very call heavy and there are lots of times where I find this quite annoying and even inconsiderate, particularly at times people are generally in the middle of something. My DP doesn't see the problem. I can assure you I don't secretly hate all the people calling and it's never my DSS. It's just how I feel about phonecalls. People are often very different in that regard.

Yes the husband is more at fault but finding late phonecalls generally annoying does NOT mean she must have a problem with her stepchild.

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 08:27

@EmmaGrundyForPM

You really don't like your stepdaughter do you? The issue is your husband not being considerate enough to take calls elsewhere and allow you to sleep. But you're blaming her, not him.
Massive leap. Yes I agree OP shouldn't be blaming the stepdaughter for this. He can have his phone on silent if he doesn't want calls that late or he can go somewhere else to take them. But I don't see anything written here that suggests she doesn't like her.
Mellowyellow222 · 03/04/2022 08:36

In other circumstances the dad would live with his teenage children, and from talking to friends bedtime is when teens get chatty.

10pm is only late for some people. It’s early for a lot, particularly at the weekend.

This girl can’t chat to her dad in person. And has a step mum who is outraged that she rings. The morning call the step mum wants instead won’t be as chatty.

As I have OP is being controlling. Moving to another room is the answer. Not stopping the calls.