Page 5 | To hate stepdaughter calling past 10pm

Wishforyou · 2022-04-02T21:13:43+00:00

Just been out with husband and had a lovely evening, looking forward to bed though - you know how it is last a certain age. Got into bed and his phone goes off. I immediately know who it is - his stepdaughter (she’s 17 and nocturnal). He always answers and has a loud long conversation in bed with her. I’m generally asleep by 10.30pm. Often she wants him to be her agony aunt at 11pm at night. I think there’s a reasonable time of day to offer advice and support and this isn’t it. I just asked him if he insists on indulging her this late to do it downstairs and got a mouthful about how unreasonable I am??? Am I??

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 08:37

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Neongoddess You are jumping to the conclusion, as people so often do, that the reason it comes across like OP does not like her SD calling so late is because she hates her, and are acting like that is the only possible explanation. Which is ironic given that the last comment you responded to clearly explained why that is not the case and you totally ignored it to "stand by your point".

People have very different feelings around the etiquette of phone calls. It is widely explored on MN amongst other places and is not a step parenting issue. It's a broader difference of opinion. Some people are happy to be called at any time, some people are not. Some people even want warning before an out of the blue phonecall. Others don't.

I have this with my partner - his family and friends are all very call heavy and there are lots of times where I find this quite annoying and even inconsiderate, particularly at times people are generally in the middle of something. My DP doesn't see the problem. I can assure you I don't secretly hate all the people calling and it's never my DSS. It's just how I feel about phonecalls. People are often very different in that regard.

Yes the husband is more at fault but finding late phonecalls generally annoying does NOT mean she must have a problem with her stepchild.[/quote]
I didn't say she hates her SD. I said she hates her SDcalling. It's the title of the thread. It's not jumping to conclusions cousins when op has actually written it. She then says it's actually her dhs behaviour that she dislikes.

I do stand by my point. I don't agree with the opinion of the poster I was responding to, regarding why SM generally get a hard time of it here. I dont have to agree because some responds and disagrees with me.

If the dh is happy to take the call he is happy to take the call. Its not really for the op to decide when his daughter can and can't contact him. So what other families do is irrelevant. I was simply pointing our while that poster wouldn't. Plenty of us would.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 03/04/2022 08:38

@nldnmum02

How is your relationship with her? I think she knows exactly what she’s doing.

On the basis of what evidence do you think that? What have you seen in the posts that suggests such a thing? Can you refer us to the text that awoke in you the perception that the daughter has not only a plan but also a motive and a hoped-for outcome, and that her behaviour is explained by that backstory?

Or is it just that you have 'a gut instinct', with no actual evidence from the OP? In other words, is it that you've totally made this up? In your head, you've constructed a cast of characters, an interpersonal dynamic between those characters, a narrative arc that involves the daughter doing something malicious, and a victim role for the OP that you now feel that you should advise her on?

Is it, in fact, that you're an irresponsible shit-stirrer?

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 08:38

No idea how 'cousins' appeared in there.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 03/04/2022 08:45

If he wants to answer her, it’s up to him.

He shouldn’t be keeping you awake though. Regardless of the reason. The fact it’s his dd ringing doesn’t also give him to right to stop you from sleeping.
The fact he then thinks it’s ok to give you a mouthful is quite telling. His way or the highway really… he has no respect for you there.

Ionlydomassiveones · 03/04/2022 08:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/04/2022 08:47

I think you've been tolerant for too long Op, you should have asked him to go elsewhere with his phone after the first call. Can you agree no phones in the bedroom after bedtime? If he has to get up everytime it solves the problem

TheNameOfTheRoses · 03/04/2022 08:48

@Mellowyellow222

In other circumstances the dad would live with his teenage children, and from talking to friends bedtime is when teens get chatty.

10pm is only late for some people. It’s early for a lot, particularly at the weekend.

This girl can’t chat to her dad in person. And has a step mum who is outraged that she rings. The morning call the step mum wants instead won’t be as chatty.

As I have OP is being controlling. Moving to another room is the answer. Not stopping the calls.

Sorry but that’s nothing to do with the OP raging if dad answers the phone. Thé issue work,dne the same if it was anyone else really.

It’s just not OK to keep people awake because YOU want to have a loud conversation in bed regardless of whether you are disturbing other people or not.
He can go downstairs to take that call. Actually he could also have his phone on silent so that the OP isn’t disturbed by the phone ringing. But I can see that you would be tantamount to abuse for someone need for sleep to be respected

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2022 08:49

*I didn't say she hates her SD. I said she hates her SDcalling. It's the title of the thread. It's not jumping to conclusions cousins when op has actually written it. She then says it's actually her dhs behaviour that she dislikes.

I do stand by my point. I don't agree with the opinion of the poster I was responding to, regarding why SM generally get a hard time of it here. I dont have to agree because some responds and disagrees with me.

If the dh is happy to take the call he is happy to take the call. Its not really for the op to decide when his daughter can and can't contact him. So what other families do is irrelevant. I was simply pointing our while that poster wouldn't. Plenty of us would.*

You've really ignored my point here, in the same way that you ignored the other posters point. Yes she hates her SD calling late, but that is not automatically an example of "why step parents have a hard time on here" - ie, an example of her having a problem with her SC.

She may well just not like phonecalls at this time from anyone and find them generally intrusive, as many, many people do.

It's not about dictating whether your partner can take the calls. It's about finding them annoying - which is perfectly common and reasonable.

TheTeenageYears · 03/04/2022 08:52

The only unreasonable thing is him taking the calls in bed. A 17 year old who calls her Dad to talk should be actively encouraged to continue doing just that.

Sally872 · 03/04/2022 08:53

It is really weird you would blame step daughter for calling rather than dh for being so inconsiderate.

Also a very strange dynamic it didn't occur to you to ask him to move.

familyissues12345 · 03/04/2022 08:55

@Polyanthus2

Totally normal behaviour for teenagers. Just eating some time and support from her dad.

Really? Thank God I had my DCs years ago when this selfish behaviour was not acceptable.
My phone ring is off from 10 to 7 - this is quite normal for the majority of people - only emergency calls get through.

Emergency calls get through ? How does that work?

Did you live with your teens back then? Were they told not to bother you after 10 if they needed you @Polyanthus2 ?

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 08:55

You've really ignored my point here, in the same way that you ignored the other posters point. Yes she hates her SD calling late, but that is not automatically an example of "why step parents have a hard time on here" - ie, an example of her having a problem with her SC

No, you are ignoring my point. I am not saying SM get a hard time for not liking their SD. Sometimes it's entirely reasonable that they don't.

Its when they put the onus for the behaviour of their dh/dp onto the DSC, that's when u feel they usually get a hard time.

That's entirely different.

Finding something annoying and hating it are 2 different things. Hating your sd calling at 10pm and hating your dh taking phone calls in bed while you are trying to sleep are 2 different things.

Op may find it annoying. But sh is married to a man who thinks is fine. Again it's his behaviour she 'hates' not his. But positioned it as hers. They are the ones that get a hardtome.

You disagree....that's OK.

Rubyupbeat · 03/04/2022 08:58

Totally unreasonable, shes his 17 year old daughter who wants to speak to her dad.
But...he should take the call downstairs as that part is unfair on you.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2022 09:02

@Neongoddess

But she does have a problem with her behaviour - because she doesn't like late night phonecalls. Nothing at all to do with her being a SC. She has a problem with both of their behaviour.

None of that can reasonably be described as why step parents get a hard time on here. It has far more to do with phonecalls than it does to do with stepchildren.

Original poster

Wishforyou · 03/04/2022 09:03

Gosh I’m not sure why this degraded into abuse?!
I’ve been my stepdaughter’s step-mum for ten years, my husband’s wife for 6 - I’m not his “new” wife. She lived with me during lockdown, I love her, go thirds financially on her for big things she wants and take an active engaged interest in her life.

I do dislike her ringing late, I don’t think it’s a crime to say that. Especially as they don’t ever seem to get anywhere and she seems if anything more upset and wound up at the end of some of the calls. My mum always said “sleep on it” when I was young and I do find the demons aren’t always as bad in the morning. But I’m not controlling. As I said in an earlier message this is the first time I’ve mentioned it to my husband. Strange comment from someone.

Anyway, I chatted about it with DH and he’s happy to take the call downstairs going forward.
I also have a diagnosed chronic condition which means I’m exhausted by 9pm. Hence the early nights…zzzz

OP posts:

Longdistance · 03/04/2022 09:04

It’s great they are that close that his dd can confide him in.
However, he should take the call in another room/downstairs. It’s not only the talking that’s disturbing, it’s a private conversation between them if she’s confiding in him.

IfCarlsbergDidNames · 03/04/2022 09:06

Doesn't matter who's calling. If you're taking a call and the other person is going to sleep you leave the room whether it's your child or the pope.

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 09:07

Emergency calls get through ? How does that work? on my phone if someone rings twice their 2nd call gets through

FloralsForSpring · 03/04/2022 09:09

I do dislike her ringing late, I don’t think it’s a crime to say that. Especially as they don’t ever seem to get anywhere and she seems if anything more upset and wound up at the end of some of the calls that's up to her and your husband to sort out though. As long as its far away from you so you can sleep. He's a dick for not going to another room. It's like if you decided you wanted the radio on.

Innocenta · 03/04/2022 09:10

@Wishforyou People taking issue with something you've posted is not 'abuse' and you shouldn't label it as such.

Livandme · 03/04/2022 09:13

I've read the thread and your updates so my point may now be irrelevant.
I'm a single mum of 3. The oldest often wants to talk to me as I'm drifting off to sleep at 11pm. They have anxiety.
Which then means I'm not rested and I'm waking in the night thinking about the issues etc
This knock on effect means I'm tired and grumpy.i wake in the night thinking about things. I have no one to talk to or help me with any of it
I have to be there for them as their dad isn't. None of mine would ever ring their dad for advice, it all falls to me.
So, ask your dh to take the phone downstairs and be thankful your stepdaughter has adults who care about her.

Polyanthus2 · 03/04/2022 09:13

@FloralsForSpring

Emergency calls get through ? How does that work? on my phone if someone rings twice their 2nd call gets through

Thats what I mean.

Original poster

Wishforyou · 03/04/2022 09:15

@Ionlydomassiveones
“You might want to tell him the secret of these matters too - I thought it was universally known by now - women don’t want ‘solutions’ from men, they just want reassurance and a listening ear. Maybe the phone calls would be quicker and quieter if he took that approach with his SD.“

Yes this! This is exactly it.

OP posts:

stripeyflowers · 03/04/2022 09:18

Ah. 10.30pm middle of day to some 17 years olds.

YANBU though. Your DH IS being unreasonable taking the call next to you in bed. He needs to go to another room.

familyissues12345 · 03/04/2022 09:19

@FloralsForSpring

Emergency calls get through ? How does that work? on my phone if someone rings twice their 2nd call gets through

Wow how have I got to my grand old age and not known that was a thing?!