Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate stepdaughter calling past 10pm

153 replies

Wishforyou · 02/04/2022 22:13

Just been out with husband and had a lovely evening, looking forward to bed though - you know how it is last a certain age. Got into bed and his phone goes off. I immediately know who it is - his stepdaughter (she’s 17 and nocturnal). He always answers and has a loud long conversation in bed with her. I’m generally asleep by 10.30pm. Often she wants him to be her agony aunt at 11pm at night. I think there’s a reasonable time of day to offer advice and support and this isn’t it. I just asked him if he insists on indulging her this late to do it downstairs and got a mouthful about how unreasonable I am??? Am I??

OP posts:
secretspooner · 02/04/2022 22:34

It's a Saturday night. I personally wouldn't call my mum or dad after 10 pm at night unless it was an emergency but at 17, I think she's fine and your husband should answer her and go downstairs.

Mellowyellow222 · 02/04/2022 22:35

You sounds quite precious. Doesn’t try and dictate their relationship- all you need to do is ask your husband to take the calls in another room.

Greensleeves · 02/04/2022 22:36

@Wishforyou

Yes agreed they can chat any time of night if they’re both happy, just don’t do it in my left ear hole when I’m trying to sleep. Also she does this thing where she throws in a problem with mates or whatever and then he tries to solve it, she rejects his advice getting more and more flustered and upset, he started getting louder and repeatedly saying her name to get through to her and it’s just all too much drama this late at night. I’m sympathetic to her teenage angst, I just think it’s better slept on and talked through in the warm light of day when everyone is well rested…
With resect, that isn't your call. He's her father and it's for him to decide what support it's appropriate to give her, how and when.

You're entirely within your rights to tell him to get the fuck out the bedroom when you're trying to sleep. You shouldn't even have to ask for that basic level of consideration.

Policing his conversations with her, however - making judgemental comments about how he deals with her, and saying her issues are "better slept on and talked through in the warm light of day" - that's absolutely not your place, and I'm not surprised it's a red rag to a bull. So both of you are BU.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 02/04/2022 22:37

My 20yo often phones me at stupid o'clock, usually after a few drinks, we chat for hours sometimes and I absolutely love it.

I wouldn't be having a chat with him while someone was sleeping beside me, I woukd get up and go downstairs.

Its not unreasonable for her to call, or for him to answer, its totally unreasonable for him to have loud conversations while you're trying to get to sleep.

GnomeDePlume · 02/04/2022 22:38

I’m sympathetic to her teenage angst, I just think it’s better slept on and talked through in the warm light of day when everyone is well rested…

But then it wouldnt be teenage angst would it?

I totally agree that this shouldnt be going on in your ear when you are trying to sleep but you are totally unreasonable to expect it to not be going on at all.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/04/2022 22:39

It isn't especially late for them to chat, but clearly he shouldn't be bellowing away in your bed. Explain that it is keeping you awake, and you need him to take the call downstairs.

nldnmum02 · 02/04/2022 22:39

How is your relationship with her?
I think she knows exactly what she’s doing.

Original poster
Wishforyou · 02/04/2022 22:39

@greensleeves have never ever said this to him. I suffer in silence. Tonight is the first time I have said “oooh could you take that downstairs maybe?”

OP posts:
Ivegotalovelybunch · 02/04/2022 22:41

Hard to vote on this as your title suggests you are annoyed with SD for calling at that time, but your later posts suggest you are annoyed at your DH for taking a call in bed. Hmmmm

Greensleeves · 02/04/2022 22:43

[quote Wishforyou]@greensleeves have never ever said this to him. I suffer in silence. Tonight is the first time I have said “oooh could you take that downstairs maybe?”[/quote]
Fair enough. He shouldn't have to be told to take it downstairs, he's being really inconsiderate. I was always on the phone to my dad at that age - including antisocial hours - and we have a great close relationship now I'm nid-40s and he's old and frail, partly because he was so brilliant with all the teenage crap/student crap and I really valued it. So I don't think your DH is wrong to prioritise her - but it should NOT be at your expense. He needs a rocket up the arse!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/04/2022 22:43

As they say on here you have a DH problem, not a DSD problem. He's her father she should be able to call when she's upset, parenting doesn't stop at 10pm. Your DH on the other hand is being very very unreasonable to not talk to her somewhere else in the house to reduce the disruption to you.

autienotnaughty · 02/04/2022 22:45

I put my phone on silent when I go to bed. I wouldn't mind the ringing but I would expect he leave the room.

Mellowyellow222 · 02/04/2022 22:46

@nldnmum02

How is your relationship with her? I think she knows exactly what she’s doing.
She’s talking to a father figure in the evening! His wife resents it. The child isn’t the bad guy here!!

Op you said your husband is her step dad - is that the issue - do you think he should have stopped being a father figure when he divorced her mum?

Polyanthus2 · 02/04/2022 22:46

Do you have a spare bedroom?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/04/2022 22:47

He needs to take the call downstairs, so I voted yanbu

He’s not unreasonable to offer his child support though

It’s not really “nocturnal” to be up at 10-11 - if he lived with her he’d be able to chat to her at that time. However as you want to go to sleep he should go downstairs to allow you to do that.

aSofaNearYou · 02/04/2022 22:50

Personally I agree with you that it's inconsiderate to call people at this time, but that's nothing compared to how totally unreasonable your husband is being to not automatically leave the room when he's fully aware you are in bed. How selfish of him! What on Earth was his defense for this?

Original poster
Wishforyou · 02/04/2022 22:51

She’s his daughter; my stepdaughter.
Okay thanks peeps, seems it’s okay to ask him to take the call downstairs.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2022 22:51

Well you tried to be understated and gentle and got a mouthful back. So preempt the next time and tell him, not gently but firmly, that he can take all the calls he wants and at any time he wants but not in your bed. You have the right to a peaceful bedtime and uninterrupted sleep. He’s being very selfish to think he can disturb you with his raised voice and drama.

He’d rather piss you off than get out of bed. Start making things less comfortable for him.

OverByYer · 02/04/2022 22:53

His step daughter or daughter?

springtimeishereagain · 02/04/2022 22:54

@Pushmepullyou

You’re totally unreasonable to object to her calling, but not at all unreasonable to ask him to take the call downstairs

This!!

Beautiful3 · 02/04/2022 22:57

Tell him to go downstairs.

Original poster
Wishforyou · 02/04/2022 22:58

@Polyanthus2 sadly not. I think I would kill for a spare room. Sometimes I go and sleep on the sofa despite no curtains at the French doors and two annoying cats that paw at my face, just to try and get some sleep. 😅

OP posts:
PeachesToday · 02/04/2022 22:59

YABU - I think it’s great they have a close relationship and if I were you I wouldn’t want to stand in the way even if that means sleeping half an hour later.

DearlyBeloathed · 02/04/2022 23:00

@nldnmum02

How is your relationship with her? I think she knows exactly what she’s doing.
Total bollocks, and something my stepmother would say ....
Mellowyellow222 · 02/04/2022 23:01

[quote Wishforyou]@Polyanthus2 sadly not. I think I would kill for a spare room. Sometimes I go and sleep on the sofa despite no curtains at the French doors and two annoying cats that paw at my face, just to try and get some sleep. 😅[/quote]
She called around or before 10pm on a Saturday night! You describe her as his step daughter but she is actually his daughter? You are so annoyed by the call you create a thread?

All seems very very odd and unreasonable. Is this real?