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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so upset re DS and colleague?

157 replies

whateveryousay · 02/04/2022 14:38

I'll try to keep this brief!
So I'm in my 50s, the DS in question is in his 20s, living at home.
I work in a team with mainly younger women in their 20s, and I'm particularly friendly with two of them, let's call them Ann and Kate. When I say friendly, I mean we go to a dance class and go running together after work, go to the theatre together every so often, etc, and have lunch together every day. Ann openly says she looks to me as 'the mum she never had', and messages me for advice about various things most evenings. Kate and I don't tend to message outside of work much.
I introduced DS to both Ann and Kate, and he comes running with us occasionally.
About a month ago, DS laughingly told me that he'd 'matched' with Kate on Tinder. I laughed and told him that obviously he couldn't date her, as she was my colleague and friend (albeit much younger), and this would make things very awkward for me. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that. He agreed. The next day at work I joked with Kate that they had matched, and said the same to her that it would be so awkward if they dated. She also agreed.
Since then, the four of us have continued running together every week, and things have carried on as normal.
Last couple of Saturdays DS has been out on a date, and was very cagey when I asked who she was. He isn't usually, we are quite close (so I thought).
Naively, I was joking at work about DS 'secret date' and both Ann and Kate were laughing as we speculated who this might be.
Turns out it was Kate all along. DS told me, and has apologised, but I am soooooooo upset. Also now wondering if Ann knew, and whether they have all just made me into a laughing stock behind my back.
How do I deal with this at work? Annoyingly, I have just helped Kate out massively work-wise. I would like to keep my dignity, so won't be making any fuss, I am just feeling very stupid, and very hurt.
Also wondering if I'm foolish for thinking that age is 'just a number' and therefore I could be friends with people a lot younger? (I do have plenty of friends my own age too, btw!)

OP posts:
Poppypip1 · 02/04/2022 17:32

@whateveryousay

Replying to being 'over invested', I guess it depends how 'over' the invested is. I obviously love DS very much, and so to an extent of course I'm 'invested' in his happiness. And I like Kate very much too, and as we are friends, I feel somewhat 'invested' there too, as I care about her.
Sorry op didn't read the full thread before I replied, nice to see you've realised and are going to apologise to your son. Sounds like you have a really special relationship and just had a bit of a wobble and lapse in judgement
Poppypip1 · 02/04/2022 17:34

@whateveryousay

Ok, ok, thank you everyone. I promise I now know that AIBU!!! Head well and truly wobbled! I will go and apologise to DS for being 'upset', and just behave normally from here on in!
I was meant to quote this post 🤦🏻‍♀️
sue20 · 02/04/2022 17:37

No. Generally If you love your friends and they get with say your younger brother would you feel the same? You can’t help the weirdness of the way you feel but you shouldn’t interfere.

ukborn · 02/04/2022 17:40

No. If they are similar ages why not? Isn't it nice you already know her and obviously get along?

DoctorManhattan · 02/04/2022 17:42

Glad you’ve given your head a wobble. DS could rock up some day with a complete randomer who you can’t stand, him dating someone you obviously value and respect as a person is a good thing.

MurmuratingStarling · 02/04/2022 17:46

@whateveryousay

Well I’ve properly had my arse handed to me, can we stop now though please?? I am grateful though. I’m seriously laughing at what a dick I’ve been. Which is night and day better than feeling ‘upset’. Still feel that it might get awkward, but hey, like you’ve all so rightly said, it’s not all about me.
I won't hand your arse to you! Grin But yeah YABU. As a load of posters have said, it's really up to them who they date. And they are suited or they wouldn't have come up as a match! I'd be chuffed if my DC dated a close friend of mine. Each to their own I guess.
HellToTheNope · 02/04/2022 17:47

I'm glad you've realised that you massively overstepped, but you really owe both of them an apology. The way you tried to control their personal lives was just so outrageous.

CustardySergeant · 02/04/2022 17:59

I know you've accepted you were unreasonable, but can you explain what you meant by "Annoyingly, I have just helped Kate out massively work-wise."? It sounds as though you wouldn't have given Kate this help had you known she was dating your son. Confused

Elefant1 · 02/04/2022 18:00

If it helps at all it doesn't have to be awkward if it doesn't work out with them. I was "Kate" in a very similar situation, I had a good friend who was older than me and I went out with her son for about 9 months. I probably was involved in more family events than I would have been as just a girlfriend! However it didn't work out and I broke up with him, fortunately it was amicable and I remained friends with his mother.

lemmein · 02/04/2022 18:04

Shag her dad, that'll teach her! Grin

Glad you've accepted you were unreasonable OP - it's only a big deal if you make it so. It could fizzle out quickly, or you could potentially have a lovely DIL you're already bonded with.

My DD is in her mid 20s and works with lots of women with sons the same age - they're always trying to set her up with them, it's a bit awkward for her 'cos she's not interested and I suppose it's quite difficult to say 'I don't want to date your son' without sounding like you're actually saying 'eurghhhh!'. I think my DD would prefer it if the mums were more like you - though saying that, making them 'forbidden' might make them far more attractive!

Just go with the flow OP - it might work out just fine.

Murdoch1949 · 02/04/2022 18:24

They were wrong to go behind your back as you had explained your viewpoint. They should have both told you they were going to meet up. Explain to them both how you felt about the deception and move on. It is up to them who they date, and you’ve got to suck it up.

HellToTheNope · 02/04/2022 18:45

They were wrong to go behind your back as you had explained your viewpoint. They should have both told you they were going to meet up.

FFS. 🙄

Kate should have to justify anything about her personal life to a coworker? A grown man has to ask mummy for permission to date someone? Come on.

Lastminpanic · 02/04/2022 18:54

I think you ‘telling’ them not to date sealed the deal for them- nothing like forbidden lust Smile

LittleSnakes · 02/04/2022 19:23

Shag her dad, that'll teach her! hahahaha.

5128gap · 02/04/2022 19:46

Well you know now you overstepped, but, Tbf to you OP, it can be very awkward when a friend and family member date, especially if they argue/split up. Its nothing to do with age, it's to do with you having a relationship with them both, the possibility they might each want to discuss the other with you, and the risk of being drawn in. You need to establish some ground rules from the off set about not discussing each with the other, and not getting involved in any arguments. While your loyalty will be with your DS, you have to work with Kate, so its going to need care to negotiate.

Original poster
whateveryousay · 02/04/2022 19:56

‘Shag her Dad….’ made me laugh out loud!! Not sure DH would be impressed 😂

It is actually a useful comparison though. I might use it to try and explain why I’ve been uncomfortable. Maybe if she could imagine me and her Dad dating, she will get why I find it awkward, and why we’ll need strict ‘not talking about DS’ boundaries.

DS and I are all good now, thanks again for the sense of perspective!

OP posts:
MurmuratingStarling · 02/04/2022 20:03

@lemmein

'Shag her dad. That'll teach her!' Grin

LOL!!! Grin

@whateveryousay Glad you and your DS are OK now!!! Smile

Innocenta · 02/04/2022 21:01

@whateveryousay for what it's worth, there is nothing strange about having friends of differing ages! I'm in my early thirties and one of my close friends is in her sixties. Smile

phishy · 02/04/2022 21:06

Totally fine for them to date but they have been sly keeping it from you and laughing along.

I wonder if Kate knew you wouldn’t help her massively at work if she told you the truth?

Womencanlift · 02/04/2022 21:16

@whateveryousay

‘Shag her Dad….’ made me laugh out loud!! Not sure DH would be impressed 😂

It is actually a useful comparison though. I might use it to try and explain why I’ve been uncomfortable. Maybe if she could imagine me and her Dad dating, she will get why I find it awkward, and why we’ll need strict ‘not talking about DS’ boundaries.

DS and I are all good now, thanks again for the sense of perspective!

Don’t explain it to her using the analogy of her dad! Jeez! Just don’t say anything now.

You have told your son sorry for reacting unreasonably. He will no doubt mention it to her. You bringing it up again with her will just carry on this awkwardness, especially bring her dad into it.

Caterina99 · 02/04/2022 22:15

Am I the only one who’s mum would actively be dropping hints to encourage me or my DB to date some lovely age appropriate work colleague that she approved of?

HellToTheNope · 02/04/2022 22:36

It is actually a useful comparison though. I might use it to try and explain why I’ve been uncomfortable. Maybe if she could imagine me and her Dad dating, she will get why I find it awkward, and why we’ll need strict ‘not talking about DS’ boundaries.

Fucking hell, just STOP. Yiu can't possibly be contemplating asking Kate to imagine you dating her father. Stop. Talking.

Kate is not your friend. She is a friendly coworker who happens to be dating your son.

cabansunset · 02/04/2022 23:32

Perhaps pretending not to know is the best thing you can do - that saves you from any awkward talks about it.

secretspooner · 02/04/2022 23:43

My friends boyfriend was shagging his mums 48 year old best friend who had watched him grow up before he got with my friend, now that's weird. This is not.

lemongreentea · 02/04/2022 23:46

@whateveryousay

Fair enough, that's me told!! Maybe that's just what I needed to hear. Do you not think it's a bit weird for him to date my friends/colleagues though??
No
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