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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so upset re DS and colleague?

157 replies

whateveryousay · 02/04/2022 14:38

I'll try to keep this brief!
So I'm in my 50s, the DS in question is in his 20s, living at home.
I work in a team with mainly younger women in their 20s, and I'm particularly friendly with two of them, let's call them Ann and Kate. When I say friendly, I mean we go to a dance class and go running together after work, go to the theatre together every so often, etc, and have lunch together every day. Ann openly says she looks to me as 'the mum she never had', and messages me for advice about various things most evenings. Kate and I don't tend to message outside of work much.
I introduced DS to both Ann and Kate, and he comes running with us occasionally.
About a month ago, DS laughingly told me that he'd 'matched' with Kate on Tinder. I laughed and told him that obviously he couldn't date her, as she was my colleague and friend (albeit much younger), and this would make things very awkward for me. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that. He agreed. The next day at work I joked with Kate that they had matched, and said the same to her that it would be so awkward if they dated. She also agreed.
Since then, the four of us have continued running together every week, and things have carried on as normal.
Last couple of Saturdays DS has been out on a date, and was very cagey when I asked who she was. He isn't usually, we are quite close (so I thought).
Naively, I was joking at work about DS 'secret date' and both Ann and Kate were laughing as we speculated who this might be.
Turns out it was Kate all along. DS told me, and has apologised, but I am soooooooo upset. Also now wondering if Ann knew, and whether they have all just made me into a laughing stock behind my back.
How do I deal with this at work? Annoyingly, I have just helped Kate out massively work-wise. I would like to keep my dignity, so won't be making any fuss, I am just feeling very stupid, and very hurt.
Also wondering if I'm foolish for thinking that age is 'just a number' and therefore I could be friends with people a lot younger? (I do have plenty of friends my own age too, btw!)

OP posts:
Momijin · 02/04/2022 16:45

There is nothing wrong with what they're doing. Yes if they have a bad split, things could be awkward for a while but otherwise no problem. I'm in my 50s and I think you're being very over dramatic

Daffodils22 · 02/04/2022 16:46

You sound overbearing and controlling

EarringsandLipstick · 02/04/2022 16:47

@Daffodils22

You sound overbearing and controlling
That's a horrible thing to say.
EarringsandLipstick · 02/04/2022 16:50

OP, I might be on my own with this (I think I am!) but I broadly agree.

I find it strange that your son would want to date someone he knows as his mum's friend. And vice versa for Kate.

Of course they can do what they want, but it is a bit odd & understandably you feel strange that they've kept it secret.

Realistically it will change the dynamic of your friendship too & they should have considered that.

Some of the comments have been v harsh.

TillyTopper · 02/04/2022 16:52

This isn't weird at all! She a lovely friend, I'm sure you have a lovely DS... completely normal.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 02/04/2022 16:53

Ignore the posters who don't talk to work colleagues and don't understand friendships with them Hmm I've worked in lots of places where the dynamic was similar to the one you have. We'd eat lunch together, have barbeques at the weekend, go to gym classes, etc.

I understand why you had a little wobble at first. Presumably your conversations with your friends are different from your chats with your DC and vice versa. Them dating opens up a cross-channel of communication Grin But as you've so graciously acknowledged, you can't and shouldn't interfere. I hope it all goes well. Flowers

hangrylady · 02/04/2022 16:53

@whateveryousay

Fair enough, that's me told!! Maybe that's just what I needed to hear. Do you not think it's a bit weird for him to date my friends/colleagues though??
Only if they were your age. At least you know she's a nice person. I can't see a problem.
Hawkins001 · 02/04/2022 16:54

@whateveryousay

Fair enough, that's me told!! Maybe that's just what I needed to hear. Do you not think it's a bit weird for him to date my friends/colleagues though??
I understand your perspectives, but maybe a case of at least you know the person ?
MmeLindor · 02/04/2022 16:58

I do wish people wouldn’t just read the OP. She’s accepted she WBU.

@whateveryousay it sounds like Kate is a lovely girl and the only reason I’d be hesitant in your position is that if they have a fling and then split up, it could be awkward for you. But maybe they will really hit it off and at least you know you like her!

Theunamedcat · 02/04/2022 17:04

I had an older friend her son wanted to date me I said no it would be awkward we were friends instead another friend flirted shamelessly with him even ended up getting drunk and he let her sleep on the sofa at his mums house (where he lived) everyone found it embarrassing she changed jobs not long after because no matter how nice she was or he was it was still weird

Riverlee · 02/04/2022 17:05

I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks time where the bride is marrying a younger colleague of her mother, so exactly the scenario you are discussing.

SartresSoul · 02/04/2022 17:08

I’ll go against the grain here and say I understand your problem with this. It’s a bit like colleagues dating, you shouldn’t shit where you eat. If it all goes tits up for them and it ends badly you will be in the awkward position of your friend and also colleague who you can’t avoid being upset because of your son. It’s a weird one. Ultimately nothing you can do to stop it but do think it’s odd she’d want to date her friend’s son.

tara66 · 02/04/2022 17:09

You can start being pleased though - as you acted as cupid - didn't you?! Just tell everyone you are their ''cupid'' (but it will annoy if said too often!)

Bringinglightandpeace · 02/04/2022 17:10

I don't want most of these posters are on. It wouldn't be overly thrilled only because when things go pear shape, OP would be stuck in the middle.

Anonykunt · 02/04/2022 17:11

Well you've made it weird now haven't you? People often have friends in common which might make breakups awkward but it's not a reason not to date. How nice would it be if a potential DIL was already a friend?

IAMGE · 02/04/2022 17:12

@veggiemonster

I find it so so so weird that you basically told them both they can’t see each other 😣😣 As if you can dictate their actions.
I was shocked, this can’t be real OP you can’t control consenting adults!! wTAF?
umberellaonesie · 02/04/2022 17:13

This is how people used to meet friends of friends, colleagues and associates. It is a completely normal way to meet a partner

SpiderVersed · 02/04/2022 17:15

@whateveryousay

Well I’ve properly had my arse handed to me, can we stop now though please?? I am grateful though. I’m seriously laughing at what a dick I’ve been. Which is night and day better than feeling ‘upset’. Still feel that it might get awkward, but hey, like you’ve all so rightly said, it’s not all about me.
It’s good to see someone acknowledging when they’re being unreasonable! Good on you, OP.
godmum56 · 02/04/2022 17:18

@whateveryousay

Fair enough, that's me told!! Maybe that's just what I needed to hear. Do you not think it's a bit weird for him to date my friends/colleagues though??
no, why? I think it was weird to say anything against it to either of them
godmum56 · 02/04/2022 17:19

PS I met my husband because he was dating my older sister....now that could have been weird!

Abouttimemum · 02/04/2022 17:20

I understand entirely. This happened to me, except the other way around (my mum and her younger male colleague) I’m married to him now and we have a child.

My mum was very unhappy at first, mainly because although they were / are friends, she was a bit concerned about his family background - very hard to explain succinctly.

Neither of us discussed our relationship with her, for her sake, and aside from a chat where she said all she asks is he treats me with respect even if it doesn’t work out, she never asked.

Anyway it’s 25 years down the line and they have a nice relationship still. He does a lot for her and my father, and vice versa. They did both switch jobs about 3 years Into our relationship though which might have helped.

I’d just take a step back if I were you.

DrPrepper · 02/04/2022 17:25

Why make this about you and wonder if you goth be the laughing stock (why?) Or whether it’s good or bad to be friends with people of a different age. This isn’t about you.

Aren’t you happy your son is dating someone who is really nice?

Poppypip1 · 02/04/2022 17:28

Your first mistake was telling them both they couldn't date!!!!! I'm so shocked at this! I have a 19 year old son and lots of friends in their early 20's I wouldn't dream of forbidding them from dating, can't get my head around that to be honest.

Yea I get you're worried it could be awkward for you and no harm in telling them that if it's how you feel but thrift both adults and should be allowed to do what they want. They've gone behind your back because you told them you didn't want them to. You're not a laughing stock, as for how do you deal with it, well I'd apologise for interfering and telling them what to do, let them get on with it and stay friends to your friend and bring Mum to your son.

How lovely and how lucky you are that your son wants to come running with you and that he confided in you about his love life in the first place don't ruin that by trying to have more say / control than you ought to.

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 02/04/2022 17:31

@Riverlee

I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks time where the bride is marrying a younger colleague of her mother, so exactly the scenario you are discussing.
Is her OPs Ds and Kate's secret wedding ?
2bazookas · 02/04/2022 17:32

DS and Kate are two adults who went on a date. Knowing you, is no reason to avoid each other.

There is nothing for you to "deal with", it's none of your business.
If their friendship all goes hideously wrong, it's still none of your business.

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