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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so upset re DS and colleague?

157 replies

whateveryousay · 02/04/2022 14:38

I'll try to keep this brief!
So I'm in my 50s, the DS in question is in his 20s, living at home.
I work in a team with mainly younger women in their 20s, and I'm particularly friendly with two of them, let's call them Ann and Kate. When I say friendly, I mean we go to a dance class and go running together after work, go to the theatre together every so often, etc, and have lunch together every day. Ann openly says she looks to me as 'the mum she never had', and messages me for advice about various things most evenings. Kate and I don't tend to message outside of work much.
I introduced DS to both Ann and Kate, and he comes running with us occasionally.
About a month ago, DS laughingly told me that he'd 'matched' with Kate on Tinder. I laughed and told him that obviously he couldn't date her, as she was my colleague and friend (albeit much younger), and this would make things very awkward for me. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that. He agreed. The next day at work I joked with Kate that they had matched, and said the same to her that it would be so awkward if they dated. She also agreed.
Since then, the four of us have continued running together every week, and things have carried on as normal.
Last couple of Saturdays DS has been out on a date, and was very cagey when I asked who she was. He isn't usually, we are quite close (so I thought).
Naively, I was joking at work about DS 'secret date' and both Ann and Kate were laughing as we speculated who this might be.
Turns out it was Kate all along. DS told me, and has apologised, but I am soooooooo upset. Also now wondering if Ann knew, and whether they have all just made me into a laughing stock behind my back.
How do I deal with this at work? Annoyingly, I have just helped Kate out massively work-wise. I would like to keep my dignity, so won't be making any fuss, I am just feeling very stupid, and very hurt.
Also wondering if I'm foolish for thinking that age is 'just a number' and therefore I could be friends with people a lot younger? (I do have plenty of friends my own age too, btw!)

OP posts:
Chikapu · 02/04/2022 15:58

@whateveryousay

I did say the 'not to date or it would be awkward' in a jokey way, and they both laughed and agreed. It wasn't a three-line whip, btw!
But you didn't mean it as a joke did you? You were serious and thought it was your business and decision to make. I suggest you seriously wind your neck in.
gannett · 02/04/2022 16:03

Glad the OP gave her head a wobble so quickly!

Ann openly says she looks to me as 'the mum she never had', and messages me for advice about various things most evenings. Kate and I don't tend to message outside of work much.

This is also good. It would have been a bit awkward if your son had matched with Ann, who asks you for life advice. You have a firmer boundary with Kate already so it's easier for you to stay out of their relationship whatever happens.

1FootInTheRave · 02/04/2022 16:08

I've seen a similar situation where I work.

The couple are absolutely lovely and his mum knows she a really decent person.

No issues so far.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 02/04/2022 16:13

Op you introduced them they are similar age sounds like similar interests , if it was me I’d be happy they got together .
You made a rod for your own back you introduced them to each other but you didn’t want to do develop any sort of relationship.
They’ve been on a couple of days it may result to nothing or it may develop. At least I’d it get serious you know you already get along .
Honestly op worrying over nothing apologise to them and say after the initial surprise you are happy they are dating .

PoshPyjamas · 02/04/2022 16:13

Is it that you felt like being friends put you in a similar age bracket as this woman - whereas now your feeling like a MiL rather than ‘one of the girls’. I totally get why you’d rather they stay apart - but there’s nothing you can do. Definitely don’t discuss the relationship with her!

Scbchl · 02/04/2022 16:17

This wouldn't bother me at all. I think if it works out it would be great having a daughter in law you get on with so well. If it doesn't so be it, it wasn't you who was dating her.

ittakes2 · 02/04/2022 16:18

You are coming across as controlling - its the equivalent of you telling one of your friends they can't be friends with another one of your friends because it makes you feel awkward. You are all adults. The only rules its fair for you to put forward is you don't want to discuss each other with each other.
It could all turn out peachy - you like her and she could end up your daughter'n'law! How cool would that be!

StopStartStop · 02/04/2022 16:18

I know I'm late but it's just none of your business...

skodadoda · 02/04/2022 16:20

OP you’ve been very reasonable about the comments you’ve had here. Just be sure to remember to keep it this way for the future; please don’t become the MIL from hell 🤣

Bimblybomeyelash · 02/04/2022 16:22

I feel like most mothers would be trying to set up their single adult sons with the nice available women that they know of the same age, rather than forbidding that they date!

Giveitall · 02/04/2022 16:22

Don’t rain on their parade. Stay out of it Mother and definitely don’t share information you are privy to, one about the other.
Keep your counsel and stop over analysing,

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 02/04/2022 16:23

Your poor son! I hope the apology is a good one.

Original poster
whateveryousay · 02/04/2022 16:26

Well I’ve properly had my arse handed to me, can we stop now though please?? I am grateful though. I’m seriously laughing at what a dick I’ve been. Which is night and day better than feeling ‘upset’. Still feel that it might get awkward, but hey, like you’ve all so rightly said, it’s not all about me.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 02/04/2022 16:26

I agree with others that you can’t tell your friends or your DS who they can or can’t date, that’s just weird. Nearly as weird as Ann phoning you most evenings for advice in fact.

Dishwashersaurous · 02/04/2022 16:27

If you imagined it were her brother. Who she was close to, and a friend then the real motivation would probably be clearer.

That she is worried that it won't work out and she will lose a friend

Dogsinpajamas · 02/04/2022 16:27

I have 2 friends who introduced their ds to their now dil because they were friends with the dil at work and thought they’d get on with their sons. Both love that they get on so well with their dil and like the fact they “played Cilla” to get them together.

OP I would look at it as a positive if they do stay together, you know her and you like her.

Original poster
whateveryousay · 02/04/2022 16:29

Ann is having a hard time, and has no parents. What’s weird about helping her out?? (Gently please, as I genuinely can’t understand why this is weird).

OP posts:
bumblefeline · 02/04/2022 16:29

I hope it works out well for them.

It could be worse OP. At least you know she's lovely.

melj1213 · 02/04/2022 16:32

Not quite the same but ExDH is one of my DBs best friends from Uni.

When I started my first year of uni my brother was in his 3rd year at a different uni in the same city so we would occasionally hang out and if we were travelling home for holidays we would travel together etc which is where I met ExDH

When we got together we just told my brother that we didn't want the relationship to be made awkward for him and agreed that neither of us would ever try to have a conversation with him about our relationship - so if we had an argument for example and wanted to vent, I would vent to a different sibling and ExDH would vent to a different friend and by doing so my brother was never put in an awkward position in the middle of having to choose.

When ExDH and I divorced we were lucky in that it was very amicable and a mutual decision (we basically realised we got married far too quickly and while we loved each other we weren't in love with each other and neither of us wanted to stay in our marriage as just friends when we were still both so young) so again it didn't have any effect on my brothers relationship with either of us - my brother is still my favourite sibling and my ExDH is still best friends with my brother and we all variously see each other at family and friend social gatherings and all get on just fine.

This all only worked because everyone involved agreed to keep our respective relationships (siblings/friends/couple) separate from each other unless they crossed paths naturally and we stuck to it.

GandTfortea · 02/04/2022 16:37

You had no right to decide for them that they couldn’t date
Who made u the decision maker …no one .
Your far to over invested ,if you feel stupid it’s your own fault
You made them lie to you

HomeHomeInTheRange · 02/04/2022 16:37

Yes, it is weird, but that doesn’t make it wrong or bad.

Unfortunately you brought the ‘behind your back’ issue in yourself by telling them it was off limits.

Anyway, hopefully an apology and a laugh about it will sort things out.

Keep your friendship and make sure you don’t ask intrusive questions or carry gossip / news back and forth. Don’t discuss your Ds in front of your colleague and vice versa. Separate the two relationships.

PinkSyCo · 02/04/2022 16:40

Ann is having a hard time, and has no parents. What’s weird about helping her out?? (Gently please, as I genuinely can’t understand why this is weird).

I think the relationships you describe sound really suffocating. Everyone seems to rely on everyone else and get involved with each other’s business far too much.

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 02/04/2022 16:41

@whateveryousay

Ann is having a hard time, and has no parents. What’s weird about helping her out?? (Gently please, as I genuinely can’t understand why this is weird).
It's not weird helping Ann out, well done for being a decent person. She's a young girl and it's nice she trust you especially as she has no one else
WomanStanleyWoman · 02/04/2022 16:41

My aunt’s best friend ended up with a work colleague as a daughter-in-law. You’ve never seen a closer MIL and DIL. MIL got to see loads of her grandchildren and never felt in the way. You never know - you could get this lucky too Grin

WomanStanleyWoman · 02/04/2022 16:42

That was meant to be a standard smiley rather than the full-on grin! The post was meant genuinely Smile

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