My husband said he'll do the washing - but AIBU asking him to separate colours as he won't

[HacketteofHacks]

So my husband offers to do the washing. I ask him - can you please make sure anything white or light coloured goes in a separate wash.
He says “if you want me to do the washing I’m doing the washing I’ll do it my way.”
I say: “Just that once my white t shirts and Izzy’s are washed with black or dark colours they never go quite as white.”
My husband tells me: ”That’s not true they will be fine.”
I say no they won’t. I’ve had loads of bright white things stay that way for years because I separate them.
This is why women end up doing the housework isn’t it? Men are deliberately obtuse so us ladies give in..
My lovely white t shirts were stuffed with dark trousers and underwear and we've fallen out because I took them out of the washing machine.
AIBU I've looked after my clothes for years Luke this

Yep he’s a dick.

My grandad used to be like this. He used to offer to cook and then would screw it all up almost deliberately so he was never asked to do it again.

I don’t separate my washing. I’ve never had any problems with whites going grey or whatever, plus assuming your husband will now probably not be allowed to do the washing again, I don’t think a one-off will destroy your light clothes.

Let's examine the statement: If you want me to do the washing...

Obviously that assumes the washing is actually your job, but he is willing to do a half-arsed job of it if you insist.

Can you find his favourite white item and wash it with something red to make your point?

Tell him just to do his own washing and you'll do yours and the bairns. Can't stand deliberate incompetence but neither would I be doing his because of it.

People say it doesn't matter but with whites it really does. Dark clothes shouldn't be washed with a lot of soap because they fade. There are ways to look after clothes.

Some men do actually do this on purpose so no one asks them again. My DH admitted to doing it at work with coffee, he purposely made everyone a rubbish one so no one asked him again and he said his colleague confessed to doing the same thing. I’m certain he’s done this at home a few times too.

It's infuriating.

You need to explain to him - once - that anything that is damaged in the wash need to be replaced, like for like.

And that doing jobs badly doesn't count as fair share of chores.

Yes white clothes do eventually go grey if mixed with darker colours. It’s just a basic fact. Perhaps if you have particularly colourfast darks and don’t mind that much about your whites it is less of a problem, but separating out clothes before washing is just doing a good job.

Some things also need to be washed at a lower temperature.

He is just wrong.

Sounds like he’s picking a fight if he made the offer and then told you he was going to screw things up, and you were in the wrong for asking him not to.

You can’t afford for him to do the washing and deliberately ruin everyone’s clothes, so maybe he needs to do a different job in its place.

Sounds like this might be part of a wider picture?

I don't thi

I don't think that is being deliberately obtuse, I think that sounds like he's punishing you.

It takes only a moment to separate whites from colours when washing. That he won’t is really a passive aggressive protest at the indignity of having to do it at all. Pretty sure the phrase ‘strategic incompetence’ to describe this sort of behaviour was coined on Mumsnet a few years ago and that’s exactly what this is. Screw it up so you don’t have to do it.

Just ask him to wash everything except the whites

Just keep your whites in a seperate basket and wash them yourself?

Yes, I started keeping my clothes separately so he couldn't spoil them. Problem solved.

My DH is like this but possibly worse or not as bad because he will hold up every single item and ask me 'is this light or dark?' ... seriously. I tell him that the sky is light during the day and dark at night and he still doesn't get it.

Coupled with the fact that he puts twice as much as he should in each wash I've asked him to STEP AWAY FROM THE WASHING MACHINE!!!!

I never separate anything so I'm not the best person to ask here

Do those colour catcher sheet things not work in mixed loads?

I just bung it all in together and hope for the best but I don't wear much white anyway which I suppose makes a difference.

I'm firmly on the fence here as I do see it both ways - he should be allowed to get on with things his way (loads of people don't separate colours) but if it annoys you I think you should just do your whites and let him sort the rest.

After DH ruined a couple of my more expensive tops by just chucking them in with a wash going on, we have 3 bags on our landing. They annoy him.but he knows why they're there! We now sort as we go - darks, white and brights or things that need a bit more care. The brights/sort bag needs to be checked before it gets chucked in. The others just get chucked in.

You just need to laugh at them. They tend not to like being laughed at. I laughed at my partner when he said he couldn't do certain jobs as he didn't know how. Who doesn't know how to sweep or use a hoover? If it hurts their feelings, so what, not like they care about our mental health if they are like that.

He can ruin his own stuff. You stick to doing yours. Or as above suggestion, do a load of his pinks.
Can he cook dinner and clean the bathroom instead? Scrubbing his own skid marks might focus his mind a little more.
And no, you are not being unreasonable. He is being an obnoxious idiot.

I'd feign strategic incompetence in some other area where he relies on you.
Not very mature behaviour of course, but your DH isn't behaving like a mature adult either.

When you divide up chores, do it with this stuff in mind.

In my house I do the laundry, because my DH doesn’t believe in separating colours or fabrics (e.g. jeans in with woollens), hangs them up badly so they crease, and doesn’t iron. I also don’t iron, so hanging things up properly is very important!

So I do all the laundry, and he is in charge of hoovering & floors. Which I hate.

In our house the person who does the job decides how the job gets done. If you don't want your washing done the way your DH does it then wash your own things separately. (DH and I wash our own clothes and towels.) You could offer to separate the washes yourself (since you want them separated) and he could do the actual washing.

But I hate it if I offer to do a job and someone else decides my way isn't good enough and asks me to do it better. So I would see "make sure you do X" as a rude response (even with the please) and it would put my back up too. Doing it the way you prefer is an extra favour and I would have expected it to be worded that way.

I keep my 'nicer' white tops and other bits out of the main wash basket to avoid husband dumping them in with the dark stuff. When I have accumulated enough white stuff (the nice white clothes), I do a separate white wash.

As for other white clothes like baby grows, grubby kids' tops, hand towels and general light colours that are used and abused by everyone, they can go into the same wash as the colours/dark. Husband does these washes too and I don't have to worry about my stuff getting ruined.

Stuff you want to keep nice, just keep aside. So let him wash everyone's stuff except yours.

Strategic incompetence.