My husband said he'll do the washing - but AIBU asking him to separate colours as he won't

[HacketteofHacks]

So my husband offers to do the washing. I ask him - can you please make sure anything white or light coloured goes in a separate wash.
He says “if you want me to do the washing I’m doing the washing I’ll do it my way.”
I say: “Just that once my white t shirts and Izzy’s are washed with black or dark colours they never go quite as white.”
My husband tells me: ”That’s not true they will be fine.”
I say no they won’t. I’ve had loads of bright white things stay that way for years because I separate them.
This is why women end up doing the housework isn’t it? Men are deliberately obtuse so us ladies give in..
My lovely white t shirts were stuffed with dark trousers and underwear and we've fallen out because I took them out of the washing machine.
AIBU I've looked after my clothes for years Luke this

I’m about to move in with DP and his 2 DC. I’m actively looking forward to taking over the washing as he doesn’t separate ‘after the first couple of washes’ but the colour does transfer, which was proven when he washed my new (naice) pjs with dark clothes ‘by accident’. 🤦‍♀️ He’s such a good dad but domestic stuff isn’t his strong point. He can keep up with washing up, cooking, diy and gardening, I’ll take on the washing.

I look after things. If Dh breaks or ruins them I explain I’m spending x to replace them. He doesn’t ruin washing anymore. Being married shouldn’t mean I can’t have nice things anymore.

@FloralsForSpring

Just keep your whites in a seperate basket and wash them yourself?

That's a good solution, I think

@NoSquirrels

When you divide up chores, do it with this stuff in mind.

In my house I do the laundry, because my DH doesn’t believe in separating colours or fabrics (e.g. jeans in with woollens), hangs them up badly so they crease, and doesn’t iron. I also don’t iron, so hanging things up properly is very important!

So I do all the laundry, and he is in charge of hoovering & floors. Which I hate.

This! I do the laundry because DH would be careless with it... he washes it all together, and hangs things crumpled and too close together, so they're creased and smell damp. But he's really fussy about food, whereas I eat everything, so he does all the cooking!

The only thing I separate is white bedding, because if temperature. Everything else we own is so old it stopped leaking colour a long time ago

@mrsm43s

There's no need to separate out whites and coloured nowadays.

Back in the 1980s whites in a mixed load would come out dingy as dyes would run, but today with improvements in dyes, machines and detergents, whites will still come out brilliant white even in a mixed load. The idea that they need separating is a very outdated (and wasteful and unnecessary) concept.

Also, only actual wool needs putting in a separate wool wash. Most jumpers don't have wool in, and can go in the normal wash. They don't need to go in a separate wash just because they happen to be jumpers or cardis! I'm always amazed at how many people think that cotton or synthetic jumpers need their own wash, rather than putting them in with all the other cotton and synthetic clothes.

So actually very little needs separating out of the general wash.

I would suggest if you don't find the way your DH does your washing acceptable, then you do your own washing, in the way you like.

I totally disagree with this. I washed a load of white nappies with an old pink towel, assuming it would be colour fast after so long, and all the nappies went pink. Didn't matter, but it surprised me.

I also washed a new blue and white t-shirt with whites, assuming since 90% of the t-shirt itself was white it would be fine. Everything came out slightly blue and I was furious. I will never buy that brand again. Luckily the blue tinge faded out of most of my clothes with future washes.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

^You could offer to separate the washes yourself (since you want them separated) and he could do the actual washing^

This made me laugh. Do you mean her very helpful husband could press the start button on the washing machine? That’s a big help my 1 year old is currently doing that.

Anyone still getting colour leakage with modern clothing (after the first couple of washes) needs to look at the detergent a d temperature they are using as it isn't normal.

On a seperate note, it's interesting that the women on here complaining that certain jobs are regarded as female are often the same women who refuse to accept a man can possibly do the job without doing it 'their way'*

• The way their mothers and grandmothers passed down so must still be the 'only way'.

If I told DH how to do the washing, he'd tell me to do it myself. (And likewise if he interfered with my methods).

I not only separate whites, I separate blue/green and red/pink/orange washes.

I'd keep my nice white things separate and let him do the rest of it.
I wouldn't take over all the laundry because of his deliberate sabotage.

I can still feel the pain of my beautiful, snow-white new bra turning chewing gum pink as a result of the once-in-a-blue-moon urge to put a wash on.

tell him it’s not you “wanting him” to do it…he is responsible for his own washing….and general mess
So try this instead…. I’d wash my own stuff, he washes his (including towels) The kids stuff was split into coloured and white- I did sorting and whites, he did the kids coloured that was left.. He did all his and kids ironing. Mainly as most of my stuff was non iron as I hate ironing.
I then bought myself extra undies and essentials so I could go 8-14 days between washes to ensure I had a full load.
He always had a couple of washes a week as loads of sweaty sports stuff and he just chucked his in togther.
I did all our bed linen and household linen - he and kids weren’t great at remembering when sheets were last changed 🥴
It was a pretty even split and worked for us.
Though it mainly worked becuase I (true accident) once turned his rugby shorts pink by leaving them in with his red top. 😳. In return he once washed and shrank an expensive Jäeger jumper by putting it into a higher temp instead of hand wash cycle. 😢
Most chores we split so each doing a part of it or taking in turns on week to next. That avoided the I’m doing this task and it’s harder or takes more time milarky.
Actually the house cleaning worked really well, we’d do it fortnightly- one week he’d do upstairs and me downstairs and then next time we’d switch. We both did things a little differently (eg I was more thorough on dusting, he was better about getting stuck into oven cleaning as nvoed big boy chemicals and tools) so on balance over a month we’d do a pretty thorough clean. Mind you I did have leveredge to get him to agree on a fortnightly clean done at same time…I said if he didn’t agree I’d hire a cleaner and he didn’t want to pay for that out of our income. If he tried to pull the “I’ll do a bad job of it “ stunt I’d just say if we end up arguing over it then we get a cleaner. I was buggered if I was going to have to nag him or bicker with him about how he did the job..my standard (not that high) or a cleaner.

I didn't separate whites out and have ended up with colour run/dull whites so it's definitely a thing, probably depending on the newness of the dark colours you're washing with. I can get away with washing old clothes together, it's the newer dark/bright colours that leak dye.

But even when I was washing all together, if my DP had asked me if I could separate their whites, then of course I would have done it (assuming they asked nicely and were taking on their fair share of chores). So he is being unreasonable either way.

Can you share the load differently so that he doesn't do washing but does other household jobs that make up the same load?

[quote GraceandMolly]@AmaryllisNightAndDay

^You could offer to separate the washes yourself (since you want them separated) and he could do the actual washing^

This made me laugh. Do you mean her very helpful husband could press the start button on the washing machine? That’s a big help my 1 year old is currently doing that.[/quote]
Quite…from 16 my kids did their own washing for their clothes. Boys. Can’t see why they couldn’t…they could use a bloody games console or set up a smart phone…t ain’t that difficult and it was a good life lesson and habit for them.
I did have to tell them when to do it, but they were expected to sort, empty pocket, put on load, take out load and hang up to dry (or tumble dryer) . Part of exchange for higher monthly allowance.

We have one of those split baskets for lights & darks. We get a full load of whites each week with school shirts, work shirts and a few other bits so it makes sense to keep them separate. DH would definitely keep them separate as would worry about his work shirts looking old and off colour.

Seems like an odd thing for him to be making a statement over.

I do stuff the way I do it. If someone else wants it done differently then they can do it themselves. You aren’t his boss, you don’t get to decide his way of doing things.

His reaction is quite odd -- as if he has no interest in taking good care of your belongings. Are you able to explain to him that if he does mixed loads, he is not taking care of your clothes, and that this is disrespectful?

As for Tesco school cardigans - aargh!! Those things ran colour for weeks and weeks!! Never buying them again.

Seems like an odd thing for him to be making a statement over.

Maybe he doesn't want to be told how to do things.

Lots of people on this thread have said they don't bother separating darks and whites. I know I wouldn't appreciate DH whinging about how I do laundry - he'd get told if he didn't like it, he knows where the machine is

Let him wash his own stuff, and see how he likes the results.

I used to wash everything together but it did make whites and pastels go grey. I quite like doing washing, (but not putting it away.) So when dh was alive I was happy for washing to be my job and him have other jobs. So I'd be carrying on with the separating and him do other stuff, but everyone has to find what they're happy with

Why don't you have 2 laundrybaskets, one dark, one white?

Just to add, my dc have white school shirts and they're still very white after years. Dd1 in sixth form but handed them down. So I've not needed to replace them

My son in law does most of the washing but my daughter also does it when she's home. They are of the "bung it all in together" brigade, and for years my grandson's polo shirts turned grey by half term. Apart from his white polos they had very little white stuff.
For years I offered to do the white washing for them, as I've got a lot of white stuff I wash separately and when the uniform went to shirts rather than polos I started doing it. (Hurray!) I hated seeing the grey shirts he wore.
6 months into the school year, his shirts are still white.

my 1 year old is currently doing that.

That is kind of my point, if you want it all done exactly your way then the hard work of micromanaging is on you.