Potential safeguarding issue toddler

[1potato]

Toddler is 2.5. Has never been keen on nappy changes but around 6 months ago started going nuclear during them.

His language has recently exploded and he is now vocalising his feelings around them. We've been getting:
Don't like it
Stop
I'm not bad boy. Good boy

We certainly don't use 'bad boy' at home. I flagged with nursery and was told no one uses language like that but room lead will check on everyone in room.

Tonight my mum changed my nappy and she told me he said:
Don't hurt my bottom

It made me realise he's also recently been randomly getting upset about his bottom outside the context of a nappy change too. He also hates his nappy being off during a change and wants it back on straight away and sometimes just lies there crying until it is back on.

I've been sitting here thinking it all through and I think I probably need to keep him off nursery tomorrow and look to change nurseries. I will also speak to a HV and to nursery again.

Please can anyone advise if I am taking the right steps? Or offer any other advice? Or even tell me if you think this is just a toddler being a toddler.

OP, is your partner your DS’s dad? Doesn’t really make much difference, just curious.

But “totally trusting” anyone involved in his care (except yourself) is dangerous and not wise whilst going through this process. Social services will want to see that you have a healthy and appropriate degree of scepticism about everyone who has access to your son.

@ZealAndArdour

OP, is your partner your DS’s dad? Doesn’t really make much difference, just curious.

But “totally trusting” anyone involved in his care (except yourself) is dangerous and not wise whilst going through this process. Social services will want to see that you have a healthy and appropriate degree of scepticism about everyone who has access to your son.

Yes I would agree , you need to explain to them that although you have no specific concerns about any one particular person you equally don’t rule anyone out and are relying on them to investigate in a balanced way as professionals and that you will be guided by them and their professional opinion every step of the way x

That is useful phrasing, thank you, and encapsulates my feelings and approach.

I have already spoken with a friend who works in social service safeguarding so she can outline the process, which has also been useful when we're feeling so at sea.

I can't get through to NSPCC annoyingly. Their hold system automatically cuts out at the 2 hour mark. I guess I just wanted them to confirm we're taking the right steps but I'm pretty sure we are.

So your child is verbalising that daddy has hurt them at home, mummy has hurt their bottom at home and grandma has hurt their bottom at home. But they have not verbalised anything about anyone hurting them at childcare. Okay.

But they have not verbalised anything about anyone hurting them at childcare. Okay

That is unkind post, we are trying to support op here.

If you had read the thread she was talking about the language her child was using 'bad boy' etc that is not used at home or by her mother. It was very out of character and has made op rightly question where he is hearing such things. Of course the nursery is the only other place he goes apart from his family home and his grandmother's house.

If someone has hurt him at nursery they could have told him to never say he's been hurt at nursery.

But then why is he saying the family are hurting him?

Deflection? He wants to say he's hurt but doesn't want to say by someone at nursery? I don't know if 2yr olds are capable of doing that?

If you had read the thread she was talking about the language her child was using 'bad boy' etc that is not used at home or by her mother.

I have indeed read all the posts and OP is not taking her son to a hospital etc because he used the phrase ‘bad boy’. She took him because she thought he may have been sexually abused at his childcare.

My post is not unkind, it is pointing out that OP has concerns that her child has been sexually assaulted at childcare. I’m pointing out that the child is only saying they have been hurt at home and have verbalised that it’s by the father, mother and grandmother. Do I personally think that’s the case - no. But if all the people the child has named for hurting them and their bottom, daycare is not one. The daycare seems to be demonised from the beginning but yet the DH and grandmother have been ignored with ‘I don’t have concerns’. I’m pointing out this is odd. Not sure a 2yo has the ability to play along with some grand scheme someone at childcare has cooked up to blame a member of child’s family for their actions?

this is why i think direct questioning of a young child is unhelpful.
they do not understand what is being asked of them in the way an older person could. they are not capable of abstracting or generalising in the same way.
they are more living in a kind of stream of concsciousness world.
so they cannot give the information that adults may be seeking.
they communicate, of course, but it is kind of scrambled as to what it actually means in adult terms.
it is more an expression of feeling, that of external fact.
i am not expressing this well.
that is why i would encourage play scenes with teddy around bathing, changing etc and see what dialogue emerges. drama can be cathartic.
we should be wary of making definite deductions from what the child has said thus far. there is a concern, from his words and behaviour, and OP has done exactly the right thing in consulting professionals.

This is not normal behaviour/commentary from DS. I would guess that somebody at nursery is disgusted by, rough and punitive during dirty -nappy changes.

Tell the nursery head exactly what son has said and done and that until they investigate and find who is at fault, he will not be attending nursery and you are informing and exchanging notes with other parents.

@toomuchlaundry

But then why is he saying the family are hurting him?

He's anticipating pain and blame, because he's already had that experience .

What I didn't like was the 'okay' at the end, it was needlessly aggressive. Like you were putting op in her place hopping which given the situation op finds herself you are being far from helpful.

YOU have no idea if the nursery or someone else, no idea at all, none of us do - so you can't just speculate it was not the nursery. It will be the work of a professional to advise op, and thank goodness op is taking steps to keep her child safe from harm, and that will include looking at every single person that interacts with him.

I would say it was important now for the OP not to question her DC anymore and leave it to the professionals

It would probably be wise to have 2 people around, when possible, when nappy changing

Hi.

Thanks for all the comments once again. So useful to have all perspectives.

Just to clarify my thinking...

I agree that we're not going to ask him questions anymore as his answers are just confusing and often contradict. There are more answers than I have listed in this thread that could incriminate literally everyone in his world in different ways. We're certainly not professionals and in all honesty can't make head nor tail of it, but can only conclude that it's worrying.

We've taken a course of action to eliminate what seems to us to be the biggest risk - nursery - based both on language used and the fact that it is largely an unknown quantity. I hope that we are wrong in thinking that nursery is a risk but when it boils down to it, I suspect we will never truly know the answer but nevertheless we would never be able to hand him over at the door again and walk away. We're going to contact them this weekend to explain all.

I also agree that no-one should be above suspicion. My earlier comments about trusting my family come not just from my gut but because this is their attitude too.

The toddler seems quite anxious over the last few days but somehow talking to him about it all has somehow helped with nappy changes somewhat. I feel like he knows we are on his side a bit more instead of dismissing his feelings.

The toddler seems quite anxious over the last few days

He maybe picking up on your and your OHs vibes, It honestly may be nothing. Keep taking him out and doing fun and normal things