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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Potential safeguarding issue toddler

142 replies

1potato · 30/03/2022 20:37

Toddler is 2.5. Has never been keen on nappy changes but around 6 months ago started going nuclear during them.

His language has recently exploded and he is now vocalising his feelings around them. We've been getting:
Don't like it
Stop
I'm not bad boy. Good boy

We certainly don't use 'bad boy' at home. I flagged with nursery and was told no one uses language like that but room lead will check on everyone in room.

Tonight my mum changed my nappy and she told me he said:
Don't hurt my bottom

It made me realise he's also recently been randomly getting upset about his bottom outside the context of a nappy change too. He also hates his nappy being off during a change and wants it back on straight away and sometimes just lies there crying until it is back on.

I've been sitting here thinking it all through and I think I probably need to keep him off nursery tomorrow and look to change nurseries. I will also speak to a HV and to nursery again.

Please can anyone advise if I am taking the right steps? Or offer any other advice? Or even tell me if you think this is just a toddler being a toddler.

OP posts:
Whatthefuck3456 · 30/03/2022 21:31

Op this made my stomach turn. If this was me, I would keep my toddler with me for a week or two and see if anything changed. I would definitely look at changing nurseries just to rule it out. For your piece of mind and also incase there was something going on! Please don’t just dismiss it as normal toddler behaviour because it may not be toddler behaviour and your baby needs you. Please listen to your gut!

Goatlady5812 · 30/03/2022 21:40

I have worked in safeguarding children for 14 years and this rings all my alarm bells. As previous posters have said never ever distrust your gut and I would not be sending him back either

Goatlady5812 · 30/03/2022 21:40

This!

Original poster
1potato · 30/03/2022 21:49

Thanks for all of the responses and advice. Much appreciated.

To answer a few questions...

Yes he does have slight nappy rash today so it's possible he didn't want cream on after his bath when his nappy was going on.

Yes we tried to potty train. It was a disaster. He was deeply ashamed. Haven't tried since.

His behaviour around nursery is up and down. He's always delighted coming out. Sometimes he cries going in. I'd struggle to find a pattern and I have looked for one.

He's generally a very happy soul and rarely tantrums. No regressions that I'm aware of.

I've remembered some more language he uses during changes:
Be kind to me

OP posts:
LndnGrl · 30/03/2022 21:52

I wouldn't be sending him back to that nursery and I'd get a gp appointment tomorrow.

Piper22 · 30/03/2022 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Geranium1984 · 30/03/2022 22:00

I've only got an 18mo so can't comment on appropriate toddler behaviour at that age but my stomach dropped when I read this.
Have you asked him some open ended questions about why his bottom is sore or who hasn't been kind to him? Obviously you can't really trust what a toddler says but it might point to something.
As others have suggested I'd take him out of nursery and follow up with appropriate authorities for advice.

Hankunamatata · 30/03/2022 22:03

It could be either perfectly normal or something more. If he is very attached to his nappies then even taking them off 'hurts his bum' especially if he was cleaned at nursery having nappy rash which would be sore.
My eldest loved his nappies so much we ended up changing to cloth just so he felt wet and uncomfortable.

Giraffesandbottoms · 30/03/2022 22:07

If either of my children told me not to hurt their bottom I would freak out. It sounds very very very odd. Very odd. I would not send him back to nursery and keep him away from literally everybody but you. I know what people are saying re questions but can you not ask him why he’s saying that re his bottom?!

Piper22 · 30/03/2022 22:14

You need to call your GP, HV and potentially the police

Widgets · 30/03/2022 22:34

I agree, raise with health visitor and GP. Nursery keep logs of which members of staff change nappies etc.. can you ask nursery manager who has been changing him and speak to them?
It would raise alarm bells for me but I work in safeguarding so I would always say trust your gut instinct and be cautious, have no regrets by checking things now rather than assuming normal toddler behaviour and then finding out something has happened further down the line,

FlamingoQueen · 30/03/2022 22:37

The nursery should have a book on age appropriate language - may be worth asking to see it.
Personally, it’s ringing alarm bells for me!

NCfortoday2021 · 30/03/2022 22:40

My career is in safeguarding and this raises alarm bells for me. Agree though I wouldn't just be checking nursery - anyone who cares for him

tkwal · 30/03/2022 22:43

Better safe than sorry. Explain your concerns to HV. It may be nappy rash or ready to potty train but the amount of distress you're reporting would make me concerned there is something more going on. Especially in conjunction with "bad boy"

Holdinghnds · 30/03/2022 22:52

You must be really concerned, I hope it’s completely innocent however I agree you should consider anyone who cares for him, not just the nursery. Please include any women in that no matter how close they are to you, I was once told a shocking proportion of abusers are female.
I hope there’s some way you can be assured nothing untoward has been happening.

Foolsrule · 30/03/2022 23:07

Nursery should have a log of nappy changes. You can see who has been changing him. This could help narrow things down.

Katya213 · 30/03/2022 23:08

Don’t send him back. I believed what my 2.5 year old said about one nursery and we never went back. Sent her to the next nursery, she was a different child.

alexdgr8 · 30/03/2022 23:18

maybe when he is relaxed, bed time story, something short about being kind to people, how it makes us feel nice to be kind to people.
then gradually talk about times when people are kind.
hopefully he'll say mummy and daddy are kind. you can say that he is too. then ask who else is kind. ?granny, anyone else he can think of.
so he might come out with someone who is not kind.
i think children of that age cannot be asked direct questions, they do not really understand them, eg who did what when, where.
agree you keep him off nursery and consult professionals.
good luck.
oh, does he have a teddy he likes. perhpas you can play at changing teddy's nappy. ask him if teddy wants his nappy changed.

Bambooshampoo · 30/03/2022 23:22

My child used to wince and cry if anyone put Sudocreme on his bum. It stung and blistered, he could only have lanolin or metanium.
It maybe something as simple as someone using a stinging bum cream on him.
Sudocrem is a horrible bum cream.

Muststopeating · 30/03/2022 23:30

I want to start by saying I have absolutely no experience here and definitely think you should consult NSPCC or your HV.

I did have the same initial reaction that it could be nqppy rash. But totally understand your concerns.

At that age kids can be weird about nappies. Don't want it on. Do want it on. And tantrums one way or the other isn't unusual.

Have a look at the Pantasaurus song on NSPCC and decide if tbat might be helpful (though I wonder if it could cause bigger problems while he still in nappies and thus changes are necessary). I believe they also have a whole load of resources about talking to children about this sort of thing.

Its a tough age of having just enough speech to talk but not quite enough to be fully articulate.

Keep advocating for him and I would keep him off tomorrow while you get advice.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 30/03/2022 23:46

Not normal. Write down ..keep a record. We are surrounded by people who want to not see abuse
You are posting because you are concerned. I would be too at some of those words in that context. Trust yourself.

Think about everyone and anyone who gas access to your child and call social services, get some advice and remener even social services will close cases with little evidence as they are overworked nd under resourced.
Keep watching, keep listening and keep protecting your child.

Do t hurt my bottom is NOT normal 2 yr old language. No way. Its a masdive red flag and you are right, very right, to be worried.

oakleaffy · 30/03/2022 23:54

@1potato
Please take your child seriously.
Many years ago my birth mother died ( Illness) and i had to go to a day nursery that was frankly Brutal.
We were wrenched about, force fed, locked in lavatories and bullied.

It gave me a lavatory phobia for years according to stepmum.

I used to sob going in- remember it vividly.

Your poor son.

I hope this gets solved.
Definitely take this further.

Papayamya · 31/03/2022 00:02

@Piper22

You need to call your GP, HV and potentially the police
The police? And say what?!

Yes we tried to potty train. It was a disaster. He was deeply ashamed. Haven't tried since

What do you mean he was deeply ashamed? A disaster? I'd obviously err on the side of caution and seek advice from your HV and I'd be inclined to keep him off nursery for now, but was he like this before potty training? It seems like his reaction to it was very extreme, things like the language good and bad lends itself to feeling ashamed, and wanting the nappy straight back on.

oakleaffy · 31/03/2022 00:04

This definitely isn’t “ Just a toddler being a toddler”
FWIW i was 2 yrs 8 months at the brutal nursery.
Dad eventually moved me to a lovely one run by a woman I remember the name of to this day
Miss B.
Please move him if you can, Asap

Papayamya · 31/03/2022 00:06

@oakleaffy

This definitely isn’t “ Just a toddler being a toddler” FWIW i was 2 yrs 8 months at the brutal nursery. Dad eventually moved me to a lovely one run by a woman I remember the name of to this day Miss B. Please move him if you can, Asap
Well you don't know that do you, I agree OP should investigate further but you can't summarise it's absolutely not. Also thats an impressive memory if you remember stuff that happened before you were 3!
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