Potential safeguarding issue toddler

[1potato]

Toddler is 2.5. Has never been keen on nappy changes but around 6 months ago started going nuclear during them.

His language has recently exploded and he is now vocalising his feelings around them. We've been getting:
Don't like it
Stop
I'm not bad boy. Good boy

We certainly don't use 'bad boy' at home. I flagged with nursery and was told no one uses language like that but room lead will check on everyone in room.

Tonight my mum changed my nappy and she told me he said:
Don't hurt my bottom

It made me realise he's also recently been randomly getting upset about his bottom outside the context of a nappy change too. He also hates his nappy being off during a change and wants it back on straight away and sometimes just lies there crying until it is back on.

I've been sitting here thinking it all through and I think I probably need to keep him off nursery tomorrow and look to change nurseries. I will also speak to a HV and to nursery again.

Please can anyone advise if I am taking the right steps? Or offer any other advice? Or even tell me if you think this is just a toddler being a toddler.

Just to weigh in, I would follow instincts if you don't feel he's safe. But when my toddler has nappy rash he says no not nappy change, it's sore, no cream for me, don't wipe, I don't want to. He hates having his nappy changed because it's painful. I can sort of see the be kind to me and don't hurt me - because it does hurt them when it's sore. The bad boy I do find a bit strange, could he have got it from TV or hearing someone talking to a dog or something? That he's connecting pain with behaviour is worrying.

It has been a very daunting experience, but you have shown such strength and courage op. It is essential for your own peace of mind that you know he is okay. A mother's instinct is so powerful, and you are following yours and keeping your child safe. I would be doing exactly the same as you. I hope you are both okay this evening now you are home and there is plenty of love and support around you this evening.

Sorry, stupidly didn't hit update before replying - well done you, admirable to be acting on suspicion and protect your little one.

My DGS started to scream his eyes out at nappy changes at 2 yrs old. DIL finally figured out that he was afraid he was going to fall from the changing table...she started changing him on a pad on the floor and he was happy as Larry from then on.

Take care @1potato

@Charmatt

I really respect your strength of character to put your child first. I hope there is a simple explanation but I admire you for listening to your gut and acting on it.

Literally this. You sound like an amazing mum OP. I really hope it does turn out to be nothing serious.

My son is younger than yours but he has become extremely resistant to nappy change. He will scream, crawl away, say he doesn't want it.
He also scratches the area around his nappy and doctor thinks it's probably mild eczema. Could it be something similar for your son?
I wouldn't blame nursery automatically. Actually it didn't even occur to me when my son was suffering.
A decent nursery won't use good or bad labels for children and I'd judge the nursery more on if he enjoys it and how he is at drop off and pick up.
If he's generally distressed at nursery and doctor has already seen him then I'd be more concerned and would change nursery. I'd also contact Childline or NSPCC for advice

BTW, I'm not by any means suggesting that this could be the case for your DS @1potato
It is just an example of some times it can be other things causing issues. I applaud you for not turning a blind eye to your concerns...your little guy sounds adorable when you describe his visit to the A&E. I'm so glad it wasn't traumatising for him.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this but so pleased to hear that you are taking it seriously.

@1potato
So so glad ( Actually feel a bit tearful ) that you listened to your Little Lad.
If the Consultants were concerned, there must be something that made them feel that way.
( I wrote of brutal nursery that i was at as a small child)
I did speak in later life to someone who used to take me there, she said
“ I knew that matron was a bad un, but what could I do.. What could I do.. I had to work.””

Whistleblowing wasn’t a “ Thing” then.

Thanks for advocating for your son.

Bear in mind that statistically abuse is most likely to be perpetrated by a family member not nursery.

Thank you for the information and messages of support. They're really keeping me grounded and it has been so useful to narrate what's happened during the course of the day.

The sick sinking feeling in my tummy has lifted slightly now I've taken action.

Plenty of love here tonight. We've had a good dance to the Spice Girls to shake off some of the day.

The only people who change his nappy are us, his grandmother and nursery. No suspicions about partner or grandmother.

Social services will hold a strategy meeting. No one will be ruled out. Most abuse happens in the home.

Did the nursery never raise any issues around nappy changing? I didn’t notice it in the thread and I was kind of looking out for it because I would have expected distress around nappy changing to be highlighted.

I’m so grasped you’ve listened to him, it’s better to be cautious.

*glad not grasped

No they didn't raise concerns. I asked if he behaved the same way around nappy changes at home and they said no. Once they said he seemed slightly reluctant for a few seconds.

Our gut instinct is there for a reason op.

How are you op? The sick feeling in the pit of your stomach is a horrible feeling, but you are doing everything you can to keep your child safe and protected and sometimes it is gut wrenching. I can only say I understand completely what you are going through, the stress of having SS involved, but it really is for the best. Even if you just took your child out and nothing more, you would have always worried about the other little tots left in there and whether it was a safe place or not.

I hope you are feeling better today, spice girls on repeat for the weekend :)

You're amazing OP.

You've really reacted calmly, and definitively. You advocated for your child, and even if it is nothing (hope to anything and everything that it is nothing) you've taught your son that you will listen and act for him.

I'm OK today thanks. Still reeling. Not calm but numb.

We've just had some more from the toddler. Whilst having his nappy changed he volunteered 'poo is scary'.

We followed up with a lot of how, why, where, who type questions and got:

Poo is scary in nappy.
Poo doesn't hurt.
Something about not one nappy but two.
Changing nappies hurt.
Daddy hurt me (x4).
In this house.
Downstairs.
Mummy hurt my bottom.
In this house.
Nanny hurt my bottom in this house.

We asked if his bottom hurts at nursery and he wouldn't answer/got very distracted on repeat.

I know we were potentially asking leading questions but I felt like he was trying to tell us something and was relieved we were trying to understand.

For the record, I totally trust partner and my mum.

I'm really really hoping this points to potty training issues.

I'm going to phone NSPCC shortly as never made it past hold yesterday.

@1potato

I'm OK today thanks. Still reeling. Not calm but numb.

We've just had some more from the toddler. Whilst having his nappy changed he volunteered 'poo is scary'.

We followed up with a lot of how, why, where, who type questions and got:

Poo is scary in nappy.
Poo doesn't hurt.
Something about not one nappy but two.
Changing nappies hurt.
Daddy hurt me (x4).
In this house.
Downstairs.
Mummy hurt my bottom.
In this house.
Nanny hurt my bottom in this house.

We asked if his bottom hurts at nursery and he wouldn't answer/got very distracted on repeat.

I know we were potentially asking leading questions but I felt like he was trying to tell us something and was relieved we were trying to understand.

For the record, I totally trust partner and my mum.

I'm really really hoping this points to potty training issues.

I'm going to phone NSPCC shortly as never made it past hold yesterday.

That sounds promising @1potato You are absolutely right to have followed this up, but your first post screams potty training issues to me. Let’s hope so. My DD is the same age, she potty trained easily at 2 but she is obsessed with her bum hurting and people hurting it, but this includes Postman Pat and Mr Tumble and her teddy as well as Mummy. She wants endless “bum cream” on it. I did scratch her once with a jagged nail and had to put cream on, she is going on about it still and this was pre Christmas. If I didn’t know I had done it, I’d also be worried IYSWIM.

I do think that potty training raises a lot of issues for some children.

DD never really recovered from seeing one of the nursery staff put a pair of nice yellow knickers in the bin because she had soiled them (generally pooey knickers were sent home for the parent to decide whether to rescue or bin and I always rescued them!).

I think the vast majority of nursery staff are accustomed to dealing with pooey nappies and pants and understand the importance of not making a big deal of it but I can quite imagine that it's a bit of a shock to the system for some teenage girls when they start working there and they might sometimes be grumpy about it. All it takes is one person showing impatience and saying poo should go in the potty not in a nappy or whatever and the child can cling onto that negativity for ages.

Also the minute they have sore skin it all becomes distressing. Like the poster above, DD would request nappy cream long after her skin had healed, obviously down to a fear of it hurting like that again.

I hope it does turn out just to be things like this OP.

Do you use a different nappy cream/nappies to nursery? Interesting he mentions how all of you hurt him whist nappy changing and not nursery

You’re a really good mum OP, hope everything is ok x

It’s great you’ve been so proactive and advocating for your child.

Just to put your mind at rest my 3 year old son has been talking about his ouchy bum for a few days. He’s more able to communicate so I don’t think it’s anything sinister but he’s defo talking about his bum hurting.

Suggestive questioning is very dangerous op. Please stop.
Leave it to the professionals.