To be annoyed by people being early

[Isittimeformynapyet]

If I arrange to do something at a given time I am always ready. But I'm often inconvenienced by people arriving "virtuously" early.

Should I just be ready early for everything?

I’m a stickler for being on time. If I had turned up to court late my client would be penalised. It’s a very hard habit to break.

If I invite you for 4pm I mean by 4pm not after 4pm. My family know & generally arrive hour or so before to help. Dhs family are always late. Arriving at 4.10/20. So I’ll say 3.30-4pm & I mean exactly that. Earlier than 3.30 is fine later than 4pm absolute no no.

I find it very rude when people are late meeting at a neutral venue. Why is their time more valuable than mine? Luckily most of my friends are like me & are sticklers for being on time.

It’s different if you’ve given a time frame such as a half hour window. Obviously then you’d arrive sometime within that window. I would aim to be bang in the middle, which still translates to 15 min past and is the perfect arrival time.

And a neutral venue is also different - then you always turn up on time (which actually means planning to be 10-15 minutes early, in my book).

@Nnique

Haven’t RTFT because I hate this so much I have to post straightaway.

I am in the ‘10-15 minutes after stated time’ camp and nothing will ever change my mind. There have been huge bun fights on this on MN and ultimately it’s one of those issues where the two sides are just never going to meet.

I’m cool with whatever people want to do according to what happens in their circles, according to their background/upbringing, class or culture, etc. But as far as I am concerned it’s the absolute height of rudeness to turn up early and only marginally less rude to turn up exactly on time. So it’s lucky that most people tend to mix in circles where most people do the same thing they think of as polite, as we can all just continue doing it our respective ways!

How could it possibly be rude to show up on time at the time someone asked you to come? Surely the rudeness there is on the part of the host who has asked people to come at a different time than they want them to come.

I think it’s rude to be very early or to be late. A couple of minutes either way is fine.

Depends. I'm used to early as DM always HAS to be first.

A friend, though, asks me to meet for lunch or coffee & then text 30 minutes early that she's there & already ordered. By the time I arrive (10 min early) she's done & ready to leave. Or, she is an hour late. Or cancels last minute. Then tells me how rude my country people are (she's foreign, been here 10+ years). Clueless. I don't bother anymore.

It’s very simple - You never presume that the host is ready and has had time to do everything needed for on the dot arrival, so you leave an allowance of time so as not to rudely impose upon them too early. It’s perfectly understood by the people who work to this rule that that’s the polite and correct thing to do.

Of course if I understand from others’ arrivals to my home (or from some other way of deducing that they are in the other camp on this) then as a guest I would definitely defer to their way of doing things and be on time, as in that case that is the polite thing to do as that’s what they expect.

Should’ve put ‘on time’ as paradoxically turning up 10-15 min ‘late’ is actually on time on our side of the divide! I’m sure it’s hard to get your head round it if you’ve been taught to turn up to things with military precision but it actually works just fine and makes perfect sense to those of us who were brought up this way!

@Nnique

Should’ve put ‘on time’ as paradoxically turning up 10-15 min ‘late’ is actually on time on our side of the divide! I’m sure it’s hard to get your head round it if you’ve been taught to turn up to things with military precision but it actually works just fine and makes perfect sense to those of us who were brought up this way!

I haven’t been ‘taught to turn up to things with military precision’ . I just presume that grown adults know what time they want someone to arrive and will communicate that correctly. I trust that they will tell me the time that works for them and will therefore be ready by that time. Surely if they so desperately need an extra 15 minutes they’d ask me to arrive at 12.15 instead of 12.

I think it works best when people don’t expect others to understand their preferences of showing up x amount of minutes after when they’ve been asked and just clearly communicate what they want.

Yes...that’s what the other camp always says...🙂 Meh, it really doesn’t bother me either way and i wasn’t being snarky (is that a word? 🤨 insomnia!) with that comment, it’s just clearly that’s what the rule is for you. You turn up dead on time or you’re being incredibly rude. Which is military precision-like, isn’t it.

That just is not the case for us. It’s considered very rude to be knocking on the door exactly on the dot! And really it has nothing to do with not communicating clearly. Everyone understands the rule, everyone prefers it that way, and as I said, if I know someone is in the other camp (my IL’s are, for example...) I make allowances for that and show up dead on time at theirs and smile (through gritted teeth sometimes, I must confess) when they’re banging on the door exactly at whatever hour.

Yes, in your family or community obviously everyone understands that people won’t tell you clearly when to show up, so you need to be aware that people want you to arrive 10-15 minutes after when they’ve asked you to.

In most of the country, adults expect other adults to clearly communicate what they want, so I would imagine the majority of people expect someone to just tell them when to come.

Ah, I have a friend like this. Every time we are due to meet she will message me at like 30 minutes before the agreed time saying "I'm here". Makes me so stressed. Then I get there and she acts like I'm late!

I’m not interested in arguing about it because both camps are entirely valid and it’s just different ways of doing things. I don’t really understand why you persist in trying to paint it as something other than what it is, tbh. It’s not awful communication or not being grown adults 🙄 it also not about just wanting your guests to do X. it’s mutual politeness, mutual thoughtfulness toward the host and it works perfectly fine because everyone understands the convention and behaves accordingly. It’s based on a particular viewpoint on hosting (and perhaps also on the type of hosting one does).

Always find the bunfight element on this issue so odd. It’s like people get awfully offended by the fact that there are other established mores and customs to what they’re accustomed to.

If you say so. I wasn’t painting it as ‘awful’ though, just saying for me I consider it polite to do as the host has asked me. Personally I find being early as rude as being late.

5 minutes is fine but we didn’t go ahead with some work on our house because the guy kept turning up up to an hour early to quote. I sent him away once. He was so sleezy like he was doing us a favour but I think taking us by surprise was part of the sales tactic to be honest. More than once I was covered in food from my weaning baby thinking I had plenty of time. My stress levels were through the roof when he turned up and I was less than polite. At one point he said “it’ll just take 5 minutes”, I refused to let him yet he was still on the doorstep talking to DH nearly half an hour. I decided I didn’t care how good his quote was, I didn’t want to work with them.

Yes and as I said earlier, we can all agree to disagree and keep doing it the way we’re used to! Since most people tend to mix in circles who do things the same way, it’s not actually a problem unless the two sides overlap somewhere. And then you just grin and bear it! One thing we can all agree on, I think, is that being consistently ‘late late’ is very, very rude.

How do you feel about people being a couple of minutes late?

It’s or always possible to factor in surprise roadworks/traffic lights/train delays.

So people turning up early means they have worried about all of this and tried not to be rude by being late. Now you’re telling them they are being rude by being early?

We tell one family member to arrive half an hour later as they are always early- arriving , when we’re still not dressed on more than one occasion. I’ve realised it’s because they want to arrive before the other side of the family.

Agree! PIL once popped up at 8am on Boxing Day when we were expecting them at 11:30 at the earliest. It was awful!!! We weren’t even up, even the kids weren’t up. The house was a mess from the day before, and I hadn’t done any lunch prep (yet) which PIL saw as my being lazy!!! Eventually they went off for a walk, we went back to bed, got up around 9:30 and I organised the huge meal we’d had planned for later on. And then promptly got a migraine and ended up in bed for the rest of the day with the stress of it all (I get migraines once every year or so). So incredibly rude, not a breakdown in communication, they just think their way is the best and so try to impose at every turn. Awful day!

Early is ruder than late in many situations!

We did a birthday party in a hall for DD - we got there 40 mins before start of party to set up and one friend was already there. Mum dropped her and left. So rude!

I hate it when people turn up to.my house early. I'm still hoovering!!

I work in self-funded care. We turn up late we won't last long with the client. I was also taught at school if you don't turn up 10 mins before an interview, 5 at the outside you don't look like you want the job.

YANBU, it's very rude.

We invited friends for Sunday lunch at 1pm. They had been in London for the weekend and turned up at 11am.

We were nowhere ready and I was rushing around like a mad thing with my hair standing on end. It did not set the right tone for the rest of the day as I was very annoyed.

For an event at a friend’s house, it’s always more polite to arrive a couple of minutes late rather than early.
It’s just good manners.
It gives the host a little extra breathing space.

For an appointment or an event where you’re meeting someone outside, early is always best.

There are different conventions for different occasions.

So in the U.K….

Interview - 10 mins early
School - 5 mins early
Most work meetings - dead on time
Meeting a friend for coffee out at a neutral venue - 10 minutes either way
Going for a meal - as per the time booked
Meeting casually at someone’s house - 5-10 minutes late

Hate it! My MIL arranged to take DS a walk in the pram at 1 o’clock for example. This means he needs changed, fed and strapped into the pram before this. I really emphasise it’s at 1. She stays 2 minutes away, we’re currently half way through moving house and have our dogs (who she’s scared of) in a flat with us while we move to our house so she can’t come in. Every time without fail I’ll get a text about half 12 saying that’s her left 🤔 I’ve started just replying every time saying I’ll be back at 1, it’s like everything has to suit her when I’m the one rushing about getting a baby ready 🙄

Always find the bunfight element on this issue so odd. It’s like people get awfully offended by the fact that there are other established mores and customs to what they’re accustomed to.

I don't think that people are offended per se, I think it's upsetting them to be told that by turning up at the time they have been told to turn up, they could in fact be being rude and upsetting their host, which of course is not what anyone wants to do.

I mean, you yourself stated that you sometimes greet your guests smiling through gritted teeth. Do you think your guests can't pick up on that false smile? It's not a great start to a get together is it? If you know that your guests always turn up on time, why don't you just tell them to arrive 15 minutes later than you actually want them, IE when you actually actually want them?