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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of drinking by dh and him sending dc to his mums for safety

351 replies

innocentinallthis · 30/03/2022 18:44

I'm a SAHM and my dh has just got home.
My 3 year old has a book which you use water on a paintbrush and it changes colour to make a picture.
I got a glass out of the cupboard for water for her to dip the paintbrush in, I wanted a small glass so grabbed a square Jack Daniels one that looked sturdy.
Dh came home saw the Jack Daniels glass now empty on the side and came to the conclusion I'd been drinking while looking after the children (I rarely ever drink anyway) and he's taken the children into the lounge insisting I sleep off imaginary drink and called his mother to look after the children while he's at work tomorrow as I've been so irresponsible.
He has looked through the bins for an empty bottle and we are now in different rooms as he won't speak to me until I tell him where the non existent empty bottle is as we don't have alcohol in the house as neither of us drink it.
Just how do you respond? Other than the truth which falls on deaf ears.
He's in such a bad mood mumbling about how unbelievable I am.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 30/03/2022 20:16

I'd tell him to pick up a breathalyser from the chemist and wait for his apology.

Me too.

NativityDreaming · 30/03/2022 20:17

I would be putting something in writing, text or email, that you find his accusations really worrying and out of character, that you are worried about him. You need to mention that you never drink around hour children, and that his emotional coldness, his calling his mother are all unreasonable behaviour. State that you need to see a way forward with him on this, e.g. conversation and mutual respect. Ask if he is well in himself, having any headaches, unexpected stress at work,

Whatever00 · 30/03/2022 20:19

@ThirdElephant

Is he using imaginary alcohol to deflect attention from some misdeed of his own?
Totally agree with this
SouperNoodle · 30/03/2022 20:21

Sounds crazy af. Does he often accuse you of lying?

Regularsizedrudy · 30/03/2022 20:21

I don’t believe for a second that he actually believes you have been drinking. He definitely has an agenda. What else does he do to control you? If I was you I’d put my kids in the car and leave.

MRex · 30/03/2022 20:22

@innocentinallthis

I have spoken to his mum and while she's not taking sides she respects he's doing his duty to his children. So I am now (driving) round to my own mums for a quick sober visit in case anything comes of this. I won't be telling my own mum to save face but at least if she's seen me and he is planning what *@hybridoaties* suggests then I have been seen out and about.
It's very bizarre and I can only think it is to get custody. Meet a few friends or neighbours and tell them what he's said, or go and ask police for advice on whether he is being emotionally abusive (police record, plus they will note you are sober). Your own mum isn't much of a witness.
CrazyTimes123 · 30/03/2022 20:23

I think you need to bin him, and get yourself a big litre bottle of JD which happens to be on offer at the moment Grin

UniversalAunt · 30/03/2022 20:24

Did he sniff the glass of paint water to confirm that it was not alcohol?

His reaction to the glass & his immediate course of action sounds almost rehearsed, it is so very unreasonable & over the top.

Has he reacted to an everyday event like this before?
Why focus so swiftly on the safety of your children.
Why bring in his mother so quickly?

The outcome of his manoeuvres is that you are unsettled & unsure of yourself. Is this a recent thing ?
Does he do this in other ways & now is using the false idea of you misusing alcohol to remove your children?

TurquoiseDragon · 30/03/2022 20:25

@OliveLover01

That’s very weird and I think several people are probably on point with thinking he has a reason to do this…. That he is building a story.

Personally I would be going round to GET your children from your MILs. You have allowed him to build this story already by letting him tell someone he is concerned for his child’s safety with you. You have NOTHING to refute this. Especially if you don’t tell your mother. But if you don’t go get them then need to put in writing (email or text) to your MIL that

  1. You are not drunk
  2. You have not been drinking at all
  3. You never drink while caring for the children
  4. Your husband has lied to her
  5. You will be coming to get the children in the morning and the ONLY reason you are not coming tonight is because you don’t want them to be confused or upset by the unusual comings and goings.

Then get a notebook and write down everything that happened. Date it.

You are not saving face by not telling your mum. He has already made you have an inconsistency in your story. IF it ever gets to court and your mother didn’t know anything about this on the night and someone asks her she will have to say ‘my daughter came but didn’t tell me what had happened’ the next question to you will be ‘why didn’t you tell your mother? Only guilty people lie’

I think this is the way to go.

OP, remember that your DH doesn't have any more rights over the children than you do. So there's nothing stopping you from bringing the children home. And MIL cannot stop you leaving her house with the DC.

AND TELL YOUR MOTHER. Forget about saving face, this is too important to be keeping secrets now.

LaingsAcidTab · 30/03/2022 20:26

There's something going on with him.

Either he has flipped, or he is covering up a guilty conscience.

Underfrighter · 30/03/2022 20:27

Sounds extreme OP but can you go somewhere where you can get an alcohol breath test to prove that you are not drunk? I'd want it on record as this sounds like him building a court case to me.

I'd also be looking into finances and divorce on the basis that he is extremely controlling and has a really low opinion of you and has called you a liar

LondonQueen · 30/03/2022 20:27

Unless you have a history of alcohol dependance he sounds unhinged!

LaughingCat · 30/03/2022 20:28

This is beyond bizarre. I hope you’re telling your mum now about this because you’ve done nothing wrong - there’s no face to lose.

Your OH is being completely unreasonable - I do think this is a set-up so you should be careful if it is out of character for him.

The only other potential thing I can think of is that while you may not know about any issues he’s had with alcohol or alcoholics in the past, this may have triggered what my therapist calls an ‘elastic band reaction’ where he is overreacting to a seriously traumatic situation from his past instead of to the perfectly normal situation in front of him. But I’d have thought this would have come up sooner if so, so it’s unlikely.

Hope it works out for you.

Ikeptgoing · 30/03/2022 20:30

There is something terribly controlling about your DH's reaction . You told him
you'd used short glass as a paint glass. That should be sufficient. It was true.

He hasn't believed you and with no background of alcohol abuse it is a crazy exaggerated assumption he lept to. For no reason.

My DCs often use wine glasses for their cola or squash as we have tall pint size long glasses and only alternatives are mugs or wine glasses in our cupboard. I rarely drink wine it's only for visitors so they'd be left unused- would your DH argue with my DCs that they were drinking wine?! He'd get shot down quickly by my teen DCs in our house for being an idiot.

I've used all sorts of glasses iand cups I've the past 20 years for my DCs for painting with children if I don't have plastic paint pots. Never drunk much alcohol and if I did it'd be a beer bottle that'd be on the side eventually when I finished it. Outrageous though that is!!! One beer 3 times a year!!

So - don't apologise you did nothing wrong and your DH has completely lost the plot,

Walkingalot · 30/03/2022 20:32

This is really bizarre. With no back story or history of even enjoying the odd drink at home.
Do not let his DM have the kids tomorrow. If you go along with it, it's almost saying he's right. Tell your DM. Let her see and hear you, so she can confirm you are not even remotely drunk.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 30/03/2022 20:33

If things are as you said, I would assume he is trying to get excuses to break up with you and probably has been cheating

CustardySergeant · 30/03/2022 20:36

@glitterelf

I don't understand why you wouldn't have used a plastic beaker 🤷🏼‍♀️ there's got to be more to this for such a reaction.
A glass with a heavy base is a hell of a lot more sensible than a plastic beaker because it's so much more stable.
FrydayFish · 30/03/2022 20:38

OP, do you think your husband could be suffering from sunstroke?
Was he in the Balearics over the weekend playing golf?

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 30/03/2022 20:38

Does he spend a lot of time outside of the house when he's not working? Perhaps says he's playing golf, that kind of thing?

Eeksteek · 30/03/2022 20:39

Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with a drink the afternoon when you have toddlers. When you’re up at the crack of sparrows fart and in bed by eight, your evening does start at 4pm!

Unless there is a history here, it’s lunacy. Tell him you have a couple of JDs every afternoon and he can suck it up. Does he think parents never drink, or one always stays sober? Because that’s not normal. There’s nothing wrong with sobriety, but there’s nothing wrong with a drink or two while the kids are still awake either. He doesn’t have to have to like it, but he can stand his mother down and wind his neck in!

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 30/03/2022 20:39

Oh man, @FrydayFish, spookesville.

XingMing · 30/03/2022 20:39

I haven't read the thread but give the sanctimonious bastard the brush washing JD glass to taste. Kiddie paint is careful about toxins, so it should be fine but if there's cyanide in it (there won't be), would you care very much?

glitterelf · 30/03/2022 20:45

@CustardySergeant I beg to differ it could still be knocked and cleaning up a spillage from a beaker is way easier and less dangerous than clearing up broken glass.

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/03/2022 20:46

II agree with pp that he is up to something and this is nothing to do with him thinking you've been drinking. He knows damn well you haven't and is gaslighting you. As other pp have said also a quick sniff of the glass would surely have cleared that up in seconds.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 30/03/2022 20:46

He’s either completely nuts or trying to find ‘grounds’ for a divorce and custody battle.

You need to review your finances because either way your marriage sounds done and dusted.

As an aside I can’t work out why you’re so calm about this? Is he normally like this? Do you feel trapped because you’re a SAHM?