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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of drinking by dh and him sending dc to his mums for safety

351 replies

innocentinallthis · 30/03/2022 18:44

I'm a SAHM and my dh has just got home.
My 3 year old has a book which you use water on a paintbrush and it changes colour to make a picture.
I got a glass out of the cupboard for water for her to dip the paintbrush in, I wanted a small glass so grabbed a square Jack Daniels one that looked sturdy.
Dh came home saw the Jack Daniels glass now empty on the side and came to the conclusion I'd been drinking while looking after the children (I rarely ever drink anyway) and he's taken the children into the lounge insisting I sleep off imaginary drink and called his mother to look after the children while he's at work tomorrow as I've been so irresponsible.
He has looked through the bins for an empty bottle and we are now in different rooms as he won't speak to me until I tell him where the non existent empty bottle is as we don't have alcohol in the house as neither of us drink it.
Just how do you respond? Other than the truth which falls on deaf ears.
He's in such a bad mood mumbling about how unbelievable I am.

OP posts:
spacehardware · 30/03/2022 19:51

OP ain't coming back to this thread

MayDayMayDayMay · 30/03/2022 19:51

I can tell you exactly why he has done this - he is going for custody of the the kids. He is planning a divorce and his mother will act as a witness that she had to arrive to look after you drunk as you were drunk. Don’t leave that is what he wants. Tell
His mother to leave and phone the police now. They will drink test you if needed insist someone attends and removes your husband from the house.

Laptopsandmouses · 30/03/2022 19:52

@MayDayMayDayMay

I can tell you exactly why he has done this - he is going for custody of the the kids. He is planning a divorce and his mother will act as a witness that she had to arrive to look after you drunk as you were drunk. Don’t leave that is what he wants. Tell His mother to leave and phone the police now. They will drink test you if needed insist someone attends and removes your husband from the house.
Confused

That’s an active imagination if ever I’ve seen one.

knittingaddict · 30/03/2022 19:54

@Bananabutter

There’s no possible way he reacted like this unless you have or have had a drinking problem whether you acknowledge it or not.
Never met an abusive, gas lighting man, I assume.
WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 30/03/2022 19:54

@MayDayMayDayMay

I can tell you exactly why he has done this - he is going for custody of the the kids. He is planning a divorce and his mother will act as a witness that she had to arrive to look after you drunk as you were drunk. Don’t leave that is what he wants. Tell His mother to leave and phone the police now. They will drink test you if needed insist someone attends and removes your husband from the house.
They can't remove him from his house for accusing op of having a drink, and they won't randomly breathalise op either.
Morfil · 30/03/2022 19:55

OP ain't coming back to this thread
It’s been less than an hour since her last post, and she might have more important things to do than keep you constantly updated.

YNK · 30/03/2022 19:56

Get all the important papers and move to your mums.
He's planned this and his mum is backing him.
If you don't talk to your mum he will - the first thing he will do is tell them not to talk to you.
Anybody that tells you they don't want to be involved or they are staying neutral - they are already positioned against you.

knittingaddict · 30/03/2022 19:58

@spacehardware

OP ain't coming back to this thread
Hmm, you could be right.
HollowTalk · 30/03/2022 19:58

I'd tell him to pick up a breathalyser from the chemist and wait for his apology.

spacehardware · 30/03/2022 19:58

Lol @ "constantly updated". I've posted once. Jog on

BrightYellowDaffodil · 30/03/2022 19:59

This is the sort of thing my ex did - on more than one occasion he accused me of drinking during the day (and I hadn't but so what if I had? As an adult I could do as I pleased, especially as we didn't have children).

Looking back it - and all the other random accusations - was a control thing, designed to keep me on eggshells and always second guessing myself or making sure I was acting in a way of which he approved.

JeffThePilot · 30/03/2022 19:59

This is odd. Either it’s irrational behaviour in which case I’d be worried your husband was unwell, or it’s an intentional ruse to undermine you in some way, as others have suggested (the latter was my first thought).

What’s he like usually?

You have to get your kids back home though, OP, you can’t even make it arguable that you didn’t oppose this.

DancingBarefootOnIce · 30/03/2022 19:59

Good luck OP. Sounds very strange. You never said whether this is what he’s normally like? Is he often manipulative?

dworky · 30/03/2022 19:59

All the people saying ' there's no way a man would do this with no reason' need to pay more attention to the reality & prevalence of domestic abuse!
He's gaslighting you & for his own reason, OP. It's abuse and you don't have to put up with it.

VyeBrator · 30/03/2022 19:59

@MayDayMayDayMay

I can tell you exactly why he has done this - he is going for custody of the the kids. He is planning a divorce and his mother will act as a witness that she had to arrive to look after you drunk as you were drunk. Don’t leave that is what he wants. Tell His mother to leave and phone the police now. They will drink test you if needed insist someone attends and removes your husband from the house.
Have you been on the Red Bull? 😂😂😂
BlueOverYellow · 30/03/2022 20:01

Sounds like he's setting you up ... look really hard at his recent behaviour and attitude towards you. Your DCs' custody could be a consideration going forward.

Get legal advice.

This is not a normal reaction.

BlueOverYellow · 30/03/2022 20:03

Agree with PP who said tell his mother to go and call the police if she won't. Explain to them what is going on and tell them you would be happy to be tested for alcohol consumption. Get it on record.

NativityDreaming · 30/03/2022 20:05

This is especially worrying if he immediately jumps to you being drunk and irresponsible. Has he had any other changes in personality? It is an absolute batshit jump to make . I would not be allowing my MIL to monitor my parenting tomorrow either, what the hell is he on about?

AskingforaBaskin · 30/03/2022 20:08

@innocentinallthis

I have spoken to his mum and while she's not taking sides she respects he's doing his duty to his children. So I am now (driving) round to my own mums for a quick sober visit in case anything comes of this. I won't be telling my own mum to save face but at least if she's seen me and he is planning what *@hybridoaties* suggests then I have been seen out and about.
No you really need to tell your mum. You really need to see how dangerous he is being. You could lose your children.

He is racking up evidence that you are unfit and collecting messages to witnesses.

I would stay with your mum and keep the kids with you.

SpringsSprung · 30/03/2022 20:11

I can't believe you're just letting him do this OP. You've left the kids with him and 'flounced' (using a word he will use in court documents, there) off to your mums. I would have confronted him there and then! In fact there's still time to do just that!
Say to him "I know exactly what you're doing! Setting me up to look like some kind of drunk so that when it comes out about your affair YES, I DO KNOW ABOUT IT, you can use your mum as back up - well it ain't happening sweetheart because I'm onto you!" Then leave WITH THE KIDS and go to your Mums.
The problem with going to your mums tonight, is that he can now say that you drove drunk! Also she isn't a reliable back up to say "Well she came to mine and she wasn't drunk" as she's your mum! You could've got her to say that. Whereas all he's asking his mum to say, is to confirm she had the kids.

Feministwoman · 30/03/2022 20:11

I've got a lead crystal whiskey glass set that we used as painting water holders with the DCs
because
They are squat, had incredibly thick heavy bases and were v hard to tip over.
Were won as a set in a sporting competition and we very rarely ever drank out of them.
Were not that attractive
So yes, I can totally see why the OP might have used such a glass!

OP, be very wary around your DH. He is up to something, and it isn't going to be to your benefit

GotBeatenUp · 30/03/2022 20:12

My guess is that there is an ulterior motive.

My ex started going on about my MH issues and my drinking, He made out that I was an alcoholic and a psychopath
Turns out there was another woman

MarinoRoyale · 30/03/2022 20:13

I’d be keeping a note of what happened today (date/time/what he said/what actually happened etc) and any future unfounded accusations. If it is a concerted effort to undermine you, you have information to help you refute it.

pictish · 30/03/2022 20:14

What a bizarre accusation and subsequent overreaction, involving his mum. Very odd behaviour on his part.
Even if you had had a drink, what of it? He sounds like a tyrant.

WonderfulYou · 30/03/2022 20:15

If you genuinely have never had an issue with alcohol before then it’s definitely an overreaction.

As you are a SAHP I’m wondering if he’s noticed things before and now he’s added 2 and 2 together and made 5 - like the bottle opener being out or you moving the glasses around when cleaning and this has confirmed what he thinks has been happening.

I’d speak to him and say - if you’re a secret drinker then you would hide it better and use a mug instead of a jack Daniels glass and if you wanted 1 drink there’s nothing wrong with that do you wouldn’t need to lie or hide it.