To complain about letters only addressed in DH’s name?

[MissingGrandstand]

Please be gentle as I know AIBU can be brutal and I’m genuinely looking for opinions!

Moved home recently and sorted utilities with British Gas, with both myself and DH named on the account. Recently received our first bill and it was addressed (assuming my DH’s name is John Smith) to Mr and Mrs J Smith

This would have been mildly irritating to me given all other bills have been slow to arrive so I wanted to use this one as proof of address for something else. Where I go past mildly irritated and into royally pissed off territory is that DH had nothing to do with setting up the account, it was all me. I called to set up the account, my name was given first with DH as an additional named account holder, and the direct debit comes from my bank account that is held solely in my name (I.e. not a joint account).

It has just got my back up that the account seems to automatically have defaulted to the husband, as if I, a mere woman, can’t possibly pay a bill. I know that is an overreaction, particularly given people have WAY bigger complaints with energy companies at this point in time, but I’m wondering does anything ever change if no one calls the company’s attention to this sort of thing? So my AIBU is:

YABU: stop taking this so personally and leave it/ask them to update the name so you can use as proof of address but nothing more

YANBU: this is everyday sexism and should be pointed out to the company (perhaps in a letter?)

Thank you for reading this far!

I just couldn’t get annoyed about this.

In that example they are addressed to both of you. It’s the correct format.

My MIL does this despite knowing I did not change my surname

@MyDcAreMarvel

In that example they are addressed to both of you. It’s the correct format.

Unless in the scenario OPs first name starts with J it is not addressed to both of them.

Yes YABU. That is how to correctly address a letter whether you like it or not.

Spend your energies elsewhere rather than looking for things to be annoyed at.

@MyDcAreMarvel

In that example they are addressed to both of you. It’s the correct format.

Actually it's not. Even Debrett's (arbitrator of all social etiquette) stated that addressing a woman by her husband's full name was old fashioned and no longer polite a few years ago. Plus if OP is the main account holder, and is paying out of her bank account, how can issuing a bill in her DH's name be correct? Her name is NOT Mr DH's first name, there is no person legally called Mrs DH first name Surname, so the bill is wrong. A person who doesn't legally exist can't be billed for services.

I would 100% complaint OP, this is 2022 and the UK's biggest energy company should have the facility to put 2 complete names in their data entry system. Presumably if you didn't share a surname they'd be able to address it correctly so no reason why they can't just because you do. Plus, if for some ridiculous reason they can only put it in 1 name, as you pointed out it should be yours!

Couldn’t get worked up about it.

@MyDcAreMarvel

In that example they are addressed to both of you. It’s the correct format.

No they are not.

It's a contract, the OP is the bill payer.
Without the OPs DH engaging with the Utility company, he cant be bound by the OP opening up an account for the utility.

The Utility can add a third party as a contact, who can make changes but if the OP fails to make a paymemt DH is not liable.

The communication should be correctly addressed to the OP as the 1st party and party 2 the Utility company.

Yes YABU. That is how to correctly address a letter whether you like it or not.

Yeah, it would have been correct in 1952 but it's 2022 now and ops point is that the bill should be addressed to her seeing as a) she set it up b) is fully paying for it herself.
"John" is in fact the little woman at home in this scenario, yet historical sexism means the bill goes to him by default.
Things like this need to change.

British Gas is one of the few utility companies that allow two names on the account - many don't, and it can cause problems on separation or death.

When we got married we converted my bank account to a joint account. They started sending the statements addressed to my husband. I pointed out that it was originally my account, and I was the one with a salary going into it (he was a student). Ever since, the statements have been addressed only to me!

It is important. Complain. The more women and men who do it, the quicker the cultural shift

I set up our mortgage, I make all the arrangements for it, Im the first named person on it. Its a building society which means customers are allowed to vote in their agm. Every year without fail only my husband recieves a letter asking him if he would like to vote. Pisses me off

get online invoices and statements - they'll just be sent to the email address?

I had this happen to me with a travel rewards card. I originally signed up for the card, then later added a card for DH. The next time I tried to book a flight, I had to get permission from him! he was now the main account holder. I was enraged. I had to actually pass the phone along to him; they asked him some security questions, then he had to state that he would 'allow' me to have access and authority to make bookings. I would have dropped the card, but of course I want the travel points!

I wrote a strongly worded letter to HQ, but of course never had a reply.

I agree. An estate agents valued our house, and the letter was addressed to Mr and Mrs [DH name] surname. I politely told them they might get more customers if they update their letter template

Thanks all for taking the time to respond! I’m going to bring it up with them as I genuinely do need a proof of address - even the online bill accessed via my email address is addressed that way! Since I need to contact them anyway I feel it would be a waste not to flag that this feels very outdated ( @latetothefisting amazing Debrett’s knowledge!) and shouldn’t be standard practice

It is not correct as it suggests one person is more important than another.

However if you support the monarchy then you have no right to object to such outdated practices.

This absolutely boils my piss! I needed proof of address for a work thing a few weeks ago and they wouldn't accept any utility accounts as they are all in the name of Mr LagganBubble, despite being for services to our jointly owned property! The only acceptable document in both names is our council tax bill.

Please complain OP, this is another way in which women are quietly and subtly downgraded!

Did you take your husband's last name? So Smith is your name?
I can't get worked up about this.
I didn't take my husband's name when we married 25 years ago, we both sometimes still receive post/phone calls in each others names. My husband says he quite likes it when he gets called by my name as it gives him a heads up that they don't know him and are just trying to sell him something. Although what my nans excuse for not using my name I have no idea.

This is worth complaining about. You need to have some utility bills in your name for ID purposes.

@Toomanyradishes

I set up our mortgage, I make all the arrangements for it, Im the first named person on it. Its a building society which means customers are allowed to vote in their agm. Every year without fail only my husband recieves a letter asking him if he would like to vote. Pisses me off

@Toomanyradishes .

I would investigate that further as mdinbc points out your husband may have more authority on the account. The fact that he gets the offer to vote suggests you are not the "lead" account holder.

@Kendodd does your husband ever get called by your first name? That is what the OP is complaining about, that she is referred to as husband's first name.

I am responsible for all our mortgage, bills etc. They are often addressed to us both but my husband is ALWAYS first or at the top. I would have given them my name first in the phone or in emails, so why is his first?

And don't get me started on Nectar. I've had a card for about 20 years. Around 3 years I contacted them about our new address and put DH on the account. For some reason, ALL of our mail from them is now directed solely to him. I mean, just... why?!

And my mum is a doctor but my dad is just Mr. The amount of mail addressed to Dr and Mrs is insane. There's no excuse in this computerised age for them not to be able to correctly assign titles for each person. They sometimes even put my dad's first initial, so Dr and Mrs T Cheese but my mums name is Barbara. My mum is very laid back so doesn't care, but I would be annoyed!