To complain about letters only addressed in DH’s name?

[MissingGrandstand]

Please be gentle as I know AIBU can be brutal and I’m genuinely looking for opinions!

Moved home recently and sorted utilities with British Gas, with both myself and DH named on the account. Recently received our first bill and it was addressed (assuming my DH’s name is John Smith) to Mr and Mrs J Smith

This would have been mildly irritating to me given all other bills have been slow to arrive so I wanted to use this one as proof of address for something else. Where I go past mildly irritated and into royally pissed off territory is that DH had nothing to do with setting up the account, it was all me. I called to set up the account, my name was given first with DH as an additional named account holder, and the direct debit comes from my bank account that is held solely in my name (I.e. not a joint account).

It has just got my back up that the account seems to automatically have defaulted to the husband, as if I, a mere woman, can’t possibly pay a bill. I know that is an overreaction, particularly given people have WAY bigger complaints with energy companies at this point in time, but I’m wondering does anything ever change if no one calls the company’s attention to this sort of thing? So my AIBU is:

YABU: stop taking this so personally and leave it/ask them to update the name so you can use as proof of address but nothing more

YANBU: this is everyday sexism and should be pointed out to the company (perhaps in a letter?)

Thank you for reading this far!

I've always paid my gas and electricity bill a few years ago a man's name appeared on my bill they won't remove it he is literally someone who I authorised to speak on my behalf ONE TIME as I was losing my voice he never lived here never paid a bill here but apparently he needs to be on my bill

KatsuKatsu
That's particularly awful as so many assume mum does all the school admin but no this once they've decided to give the refund to dad.

And how did the admin staff deal with parents who were no longer together ...

@HopingForMyRainbowBaby

It's not a hill I'd choose to die on

I mean, it wouldn't really be hill dying would it? And OP needs something as proof of address.

It's correct that's how they address letters, but I do get it.
It's slightly annoying when you're essentially the main contact for the account, the one paying them, yet it appears they address your husband first for the bill you pay.

It's happened quite a lot to me and H. All our memberships and bills have had my name. The minute I added him to our bills when we first got together his name was first on the letters. I used to chuckle, I'm the only one worth writing to because he's not going to pay.

I do think they add both names to the letters and bills incase it becomes an unpaid debt.

@Esssa the irony of the card! That’s hilarious

I brought this up as a semi-joke (slash semi-serious calling him out on it) to one of my friends who addressed his wedding invitation to Mr and Mrs J Smith - pointed out that since he is MY friend and not really my husbands, if he wanted to address invites this way it should have been to Mrs and Mr X Smith - I found it a bit jarring even then, but for a massive company to do it on an account I’ve set up and pay for myself is even more strange!

Oh tha thats very odd. Just changed our gas bill to joint nest.with british gas for a similar reason. I was added to the account and the bill came to Mrljmum husband and Mrs Ljmum. So both our names. Perhaps it was the person you spoke too. Mine sounded quite young so possibly doesn't do the outdated method. MIL does though!

Note to self preview post better. We have no nest

@Simonjt Unless in the scenario OPs first name starts with J it is not addressed to both of them. no you don’t understand the correct format. Op is Mrs it is addressed to her, her initial is not included in the correct format.

YANBU. Some of our bills are in both names, and some in mine only, but I refused to pay our Water bill until such time as we were both listed properly.

My husbands name generally comes first as his first name is comes alphabetically before mine, but I refuse to be known as “Mrs Husbands Initial Orange-Sox”, and as I don’t hold a bank account in that name (because it’s not my fucking name), I couldn’t possibly pay for their services in that name could I?!?

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Simonjt* Unless in the scenario OPs first name starts with J it is not addressed to both of them. no you don’t understand the correct format. Op is Mrs* it is addressed to her, her initial is not included in the correct format.[/quote]
iT's ThE CoRrEcT foRmaT

some women are slaves to sexism. it's truly their kink

Haven't read TFT, but if they insist on sending everything in both names could you insist on Mr John and Mrs Susan Smith?

It would annoy me too. When we married, we turned all our bank accounts into joint ones. On the ones that were previously mine, I'm always named first. All correspondence comes addressed Mrs s sugarplum and Mr w sugarplum

@MajorCarolDanvers

However if you support the monarchy then you have no right to object to such outdated practices

I'm fairly confident that Her Maj has never had a letter addressed to Mr & Mrs P Windsor.

One of Prince Philip's grievances was that he couldn't give his surname Mountbatten to his wife and dc and they had her Maj's surname. Otherwise your comment was quite funny.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Simonjt* Unless in the scenario OPs first name starts with J it is not addressed to both of them. no you don’t understand the correct format. Op is Mrs* it is addressed to her, her initial is not included in the correct format.[/quote]
Then it should've been addressed to Mr J Smith and Mrs Smith. It's a bill, potentially a legal document, not a wedding invitation from 1957. This means it needs to be addressed exactly to the person/s named in it, using their correct names, and OP is evidently not Mrs J Smith.

It's not the correct format.

My bank gets this right. I have an account in my own name opened before we moved joint account. Account name uses both first names and mine is first. Not sure whether that’s because I had the other account or because of alphabetical order.

National trust however … I opened our membership giving DH as second member. All stuff came addressed only to him and emails to his address. When I complained they apologised and now I get the emails to my address - starting ‘Dear DH first name …’

@Bananabutter

Yes YABU. That is how to correctly address a letter whether you like it or not.

Spend your energies elsewhere rather than looking for things to be annoyed at.

Absolutely this

That’s very odd about the National Trust because I took out our membership with the bloke as second member and everything is addressed to me. Maybe it’s because I didn’t change my name so it’s not clear we’re married.

@MissingGrandstand

YANBU at all. It doesn't bother me massively, but it's a little niggle in life.

Like you - I opened the British Gas account, and yet all the bills come to Mr and Mrs G Starling - G is HIS initial.

Also. Me and DH opened our bank account together - 2 joint accounts. (One working account and one savings.)

BOTH accounts have DH as the 'main account holder.' My name is there too, but HE is coming up as the main account holder. They're joint accounts, and I can access the money easily, but it's still HIS name at the top. And the internet banking is only in HIS name.

Council tax I sorted. Both names but HIS name first.

Broadband provider. I sorted. Both names but HIS name first.

Mortgage (when we had one.) In both names but HIS name first.

We even booked covid jabs for last week. I booked mine with my email address and my mobile phone number. And I booked HIS with HIS email address and mobile phone number. I did mine first, and my appointment was before him. (5 minutes before.)

3 days before, he got an email and a text reminding him about the appointment. I did not. I rang to see why, and they said 'the two of you are husband and wife, and you live together. Only one reminder needed to go.' But why was it HIM? I booked them, and mine was first, but the MAN was the one informed!

That annoyed me more than it should have!

It IS everyday sexism

I had this with a well known vehicle breakdown rescue company a few years ago. It was originally my account which I added DH on to. Several years later he was somehow made the lead account holder and I couldn’t change anything on the account without his authority! The customer services woman said that I’d never been the sole account holder and even if DH died I still couldn’t change anything on the account. The payment came out of my account though, and apparently that was a-ok (yeah I bet it was), but still not a good enough reason to change me to lead account holder.

Withholding payment seemed to focus their minds somewhat though. I just stopped the direct debit and told them that I wasn’t paying for something I had no authority over. And that they were liers as I had definitely been the sole account holder for many years. I did eventually get compensation.

@Toomanyradishes

I set up our mortgage, I make all the arrangements for it, Im the first named person on it. Its a building society which means customers are allowed to vote in their agm. Every year without fail only my husband recieves a letter asking him if he would like to vote. Pisses me off

If its Nationwide you might be set up as paperless so only get agm emails rather than a letter too. Assuming it's a joint mortgage I imagine he isn't paperless and so gets the letter. That's why, it's no sexism. If you want to check give them a call.

Sorry meant to tag @toomanyradishes in that post.

@Esssa

Small fry compared but my birthday card this year came from the IL's addressed to Mrs DH initial Surname. To top it off the card inside said 'today is all about you'. I've not actually changed my name on anything official yet and we've been married nearly a year, they've assumed.

My husband and I have a (female) friend who sent us a Christmas card this year. All 3 of us are doctors and she’s twice made a point of asking me if I changed my name when I married DH (no), but the card this year came addressed to Dr and Mrs DHsurname. I was incensed! Even if she’d forgotten I had said I hadn’t changed my name, why does he get his academic title and I don’t? I wouldn’t have minded Mr and Mrs nearly so much.

If it’s a joint account it doesn’t really bother me. But in a case like the OP described, where she set up the account and payments come from a bank account solely in her name, it would irritate me.

We have two cars. One is solely in my name. The finance is in my name and it’s registered in my name. The insurance is in my name. My husband is just an additional insured driver. He hit a wild animal coming home one night and it caused some damage. We reported it to the insurance company and all the letters we have received and even the cheque for the repairs and so on have been in his name.

Never realised but none of our Bill's are joint