To complain about letters only addressed in DH’s name?

[MissingGrandstand]

Please be gentle as I know AIBU can be brutal and I’m genuinely looking for opinions!

Moved home recently and sorted utilities with British Gas, with both myself and DH named on the account. Recently received our first bill and it was addressed (assuming my DH’s name is John Smith) to Mr and Mrs J Smith

This would have been mildly irritating to me given all other bills have been slow to arrive so I wanted to use this one as proof of address for something else. Where I go past mildly irritated and into royally pissed off territory is that DH had nothing to do with setting up the account, it was all me. I called to set up the account, my name was given first with DH as an additional named account holder, and the direct debit comes from my bank account that is held solely in my name (I.e. not a joint account).

It has just got my back up that the account seems to automatically have defaulted to the husband, as if I, a mere woman, can’t possibly pay a bill. I know that is an overreaction, particularly given people have WAY bigger complaints with energy companies at this point in time, but I’m wondering does anything ever change if no one calls the company’s attention to this sort of thing? So my AIBU is:

YABU: stop taking this so personally and leave it/ask them to update the name so you can use as proof of address but nothing more

YANBU: this is everyday sexism and should be pointed out to the company (perhaps in a letter?)

Thank you for reading this far!

I had the opposite issue with a few things including broadband, they would only hold one name, eo DH can't call to deal with an issue. YANBU, companies should allow for several joint account holders and address each of them by their own name.

I can’t imagine a bank requiring proof of address for Mrs X Smith accepting a letter addressed to Mr and Mrs J Smith, although I may be wrong?
I bet they would have you tried?

Why did you put two names on the account? All our bills are in one name - some mine, some his.

I know I'm going to get a pile on with this comment but I do find it a bit ironic a woman who took her husband's name complaining about old fashioned (admittedly incorrect) terminology and painting it as sexist.

Definitely YANBU and sexist. I had a joint account with ex-dh for 20+ years, set up in the mid-90s and even then the bank asked how we wanted to be named, so statements were always "Neverly Smith and John Smith".

Utilities, mortgage companies and others should be able to do the same (or initials or Mr/Ms/Mrs, etc if preferred). If no preference is given, then the default should be that the person who sets up the account is listed first.

If a company's policy is to put the man first, what other reason could there be than everyday sexism? It's not 1950, it's no longer 'correct' to ignore women or call them Mrs John Smith, whatever some pps might think.

I used to ignore stuff like this but now everything gets an email or phone call. It's a small thing, but it all adds up to a world where women are still sidelined, and it won't end if women just put up with it in silence.

@Kendodd

I know I'm going to get a pile on with this comment but I do find it a bit ironic a woman who took her husband's name complaining about old fashioned (admittedly incorrect) terminology and painting it as sexist.

You won’t find me piling on. I completely agree with you.

@Kendodd

I know I'm going to get a pile on with this comment but I do find it a bit ironic a woman who took her husband's name complaining about old fashioned (admittedly incorrect) terminology and painting it as sexist.

A lot of women are in the position of keeping their father's name or taking their husband's name. Sexist nonsense either way. I kept my father's but it's no less sexist.

Which is why I always suggest women give children their last name on name threads.

And I can call myself anything I like. The only place I have a man's full name is on here! GNU Sir Pterry.

I don't mind a letter being sent to Mr and Mrs Smith but when it's Mr and Mrs John Smith it absolutely gives me the rage. When I got married I took my husband's surname, not his first name as well. I've told my mum off for doing this on Christmas cards and she's stopped but other elderly relatives still do it. I let it go as they mean no harm but if it was from a company I think I would complain. It's old fashioned and sexist.

I don’t think people should make judgements about someone changing their name on marriage. It’s a personal decision and no one else’s business.

If you don’t want a man’s name you can call yourself anything you want @MrsTerryPratchett. I used to work with a guy who changed his name to Rory Borealis. Needless to say, he was a tit.

@Kendodd

I know I'm going to get a pile on with this comment but I do find it a bit ironic a woman who took her husband's name complaining about old fashioned (admittedly incorrect) terminology and painting it as sexist.

I agree. I took my husband's name and absolutely wish I hadn't. I didn't give it much thought at the time but if I had my time again I would have kept my name and kids would be double barrelled.

Not the point of the thread but I have never known an energy company offer joint accounts.

We bank with BOS and the day we set it up the manager put my name down first so all of our letters used to come with Mrs X and Mr Surname.

This happened to me with a couple of utilities.

Dh moved in with me at the time so I was already the account holder and all of the bills were coming out of my bank account. We added dh so that he could speak to the company if necessary.

Next thing I knew letters and emails were coming addressed to him only and I needed his permission to speak to the company.

Wtf?

People will say it doesn't matter, but it's casual sexism. Why should these things automatically default to the male in the household?

I rang up and pointed out that I was the original account holder. They said they'd sort it but it all still comes in dhs name.

@Weekendtobegin that sounds like they thought you were changing account holders rather than adding him

@Kendodd agreed!

It probably does sound like that but they definitely didn't. I was still on the account on the online bit but he'd defaulted to the main account holder.

I know I'm going to get a pile on with this comment but I do find it a bit ironic a woman who took her husband's name complaining about old fashioned (admittedly incorrect) terminology and painting it as sexist.

meh. I can't get excited about women changing names. I did purely because my first name and his last name have the same cultural roots and they go really well together.

But if there are 2 names on an account, the mail should come addressed to them in the way they want it to come. Especially utility bills which are often used as proof of identity and address.

How odd-I set up all of the bills for us when we first got married/moved in together and they are either in just my name or in Mr X and Mrs Y Surname. This was 25 years ago!

Its 2022! Of course this should be addressed to you in your own name!!
But it could take an hour on hold to sort it out 🤦‍♀️

@MRex

I had the opposite issue with a few things including broadband, they would only hold one name, eo DH can't call to deal with an issue. YANBU, companies should allow for several joint account holders and address each of them by their own name.

There is a difference between being an account holder (as in the person who is sued for the money) and an authorised person on an account.

Business accounts are in the name of User LTD but will have sometimes multiple people allowed to deal with issues which need humans.
A lot of the time its that businessX chooses not to allocate business setup to domestic accounts because it saved on admin

Small fry compared but my birthday card this year came from the IL's addressed to Mrs DH initial Surname. To top it off the card inside said 'today is all about you'. I've not actually changed my name on anything official yet and we've been married nearly a year, they've assumed.

A lot of women are in the position of keeping their father's name or taking their husband's name. Sexist nonsense either way. I kept my father's but it's no less sexist.

Ehhh, no.

Either people's names are their own, in which case you kept your own name not your father's. Or they aren't their own if someone had them first, in which case neither your DF nor your DH get their own names either, for the same reason that you don't. Pick one and go with it, instead of applying a logic fail sexist double standard.

Small fry compared but my birthday card this year came from the IL's addressed to Mrs DH initial Surname.

i used to get that from my ILs (SILs and MILs - the men never sent cards) and i told them each once, after the first time that i won't open letters addressed like that. Then i either "return to sender, person unknown at this addess" or saved them up and whenever we went to visit (or later just he because - meh) sent them over in a big envelope.

They did it to annoy me because at one point i wasn't going to change my name. I did for purely cosmetic reasons but only my surname. (mind you they got itchy about me using "Ms" too)

It's not a hill I'd choose to die on

All of our bills are addressed to Mr X Smith and Mrs Y Smith. My name is often first.