To complain about letters only addressed in DH’s name?

[MissingGrandstand]

Please be gentle as I know AIBU can be brutal and I’m genuinely looking for opinions!

Moved home recently and sorted utilities with British Gas, with both myself and DH named on the account. Recently received our first bill and it was addressed (assuming my DH’s name is John Smith) to Mr and Mrs J Smith

This would have been mildly irritating to me given all other bills have been slow to arrive so I wanted to use this one as proof of address for something else. Where I go past mildly irritated and into royally pissed off territory is that DH had nothing to do with setting up the account, it was all me. I called to set up the account, my name was given first with DH as an additional named account holder, and the direct debit comes from my bank account that is held solely in my name (I.e. not a joint account).

It has just got my back up that the account seems to automatically have defaulted to the husband, as if I, a mere woman, can’t possibly pay a bill. I know that is an overreaction, particularly given people have WAY bigger complaints with energy companies at this point in time, but I’m wondering does anything ever change if no one calls the company’s attention to this sort of thing? So my AIBU is:

YABU: stop taking this so personally and leave it/ask them to update the name so you can use as proof of address but nothing more

YANBU: this is everyday sexism and should be pointed out to the company (perhaps in a letter?)

Thank you for reading this far!

YANBU: this is everyday sexism and should be pointed out to the company (perhaps in a letter?)

Yes this

@whynotwhy

It is not correct as it suggests one person is more important than another.

However if you support the monarchy then you have no right to object to such outdated practices.

No historically it suggests that the OP is not a legal person in her own right because she is married.

www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2014/aug/11/women-rights-money-timeline-history

However if you support the monarchy then you have no right to object to such outdated practices

I'm fairly confident that Her Maj has never had a letter addressed to Mr & Mrs P Windsor.

YANBU: this is everyday sexism and should be pointed out to the company (perhaps in a letter?)

^
absolutely this!

@user1471457751

No, he gets called by Mr wife's last name. Don't know if they use my initial as well, certainly not my whole first name. Kids have both our last names hyphenated, primary school just about always used their name to address us as parents, especially verbally at the school gate.

If you want it in your name just... put the account in your name?

@girlmom21

If you want it in your name just... put the account in your name?

Did you miss the part where she did this by

• ringing up the company herself
• giving the company HER DETAILS
• proving her direct debit details, again in her name, as the payment

What more could she possibly have done to put it in her name?

I added my DH to my account. One I had had for 20years plus. It now comes Mr Jeds.. and Mrs Jeds.
His name is alphabetically after mine. Unless they count the Mr which always puts men first.
It really bugs me.

Yes complain.
I recently needed proof of my address and all utility bills in DH name. I have online bank accounts but if you try and download a statement it doesn’t show address.
Tried phoning various organisations but of course everyone wfh so no response.
It’s a nightmare.

all the "waahhh but that's how it's always been done" slow handclap

If OP can't use it as proof of identity then it is a problem. It is very easy to set it up addressed to Mr J Smith and Ms S Smith. That's how we get all our bills. (not in UK though and we have ID cards so it wouldn't cause this kind of problem anyway)

On wider view: there is no earthly reason to subsume a woman's identity like this unless she expressly consents to/wishes for it

@Bananabutter

Yes YABU. That is how to correctly address a letter whether you like it or not.

Spend your energies elsewhere rather than looking for things to be annoyed at.

@Bananabutter.

No it isn’t. It was a social convention that has now all but died away. Not even the social pages of Tatler call women Mrs John Smith anymore. It’s the preserve of 95 year old aunts.

OP - Ring them up and tell them to change it, rather than let it grate on you.

Mr J and Mrs R Smith or Rachel and John Smith are the normal formats now. Or fully separate names if you haven’t changed yours.

@latetothefisting erm... not add him as an account holder?

OP you still haven't said if you took your husband's name? So you are Mrs Smith? If so, the letter does prove your identity doesn't it?

Utterly ridiculous (them not you)

This would really annoy me too op. In the first lockdown, a school trip was cancelled and a refund cheque issued. Despite me signing all permission forms and writing and submitting the original payment (and me dealing with all school related stuff tbh, not DH), the cheque was written to him! I was bloody furious. Wimped out and didn't challenge the school though as I thought it would be shitty given the lockdown stress school staff were under, but it pisses me off to this day!

Definitely complain.
It's just another example of everyday sexism.
We need to challenge the little stuff as well as the big stuff!

@PrivateHall

This would really annoy me too op. In the first lockdown, a school trip was cancelled and a refund cheque issued. Despite me signing all permission forms and writing and submitting the original payment (and me dealing with all school related stuff tbh, not DH), the cheque was written to him! I was bloody furious. Wimped out and didn't challenge the school though as I thought it would be shitty given the lockdown stress school staff were under, but it pisses me off to this day!

That's particularly awful as so many assume mum does all the school admin but no this once they've decided to give the refund to dad.

Very old-fashioned and I’m surprised they still do this- perhaps you’ve been set up wrong on the database. I’d definitely call and ask to have it put right.

Get a grip

@Kendodd apologies yes I did take my husband’s last name but I am Mrs X Smith not Mrs J Smith. I can’t imagine a bank requiring proof of address for Mrs X Smith accepting a letter addressed to Mr and Mrs J Smith, although I may be wrong?

@MajorCarolDanvers your reply about Mr and Mrs P Windsor has to be the funniest comment I’ve ever read on Mumsnet!

@20viona perhaps you'd like to go back to former times (pre 1975) when women couldn't have their own bank accounts?

When I was a trainee lawyer I worked for one very old fashioned partner who used to make me address letters in this way. I actually think it’s offensive….

Mind you I got a package this week from my own aunt address to me using my other half’s surname. We are not married and even if we were I wouldn’t change my name!

@MyDcAreMarvel

In that example they are addressed to both of you. It’s the correct format.

No it isn't. Our council tax is to Mrs Y Sun and Mr S Sun. Not the other way around. It is sexist and it does matter - it's simply laziness on the part of the companies concerned that they can't be bothered to reprogramme their systems to allow other forms of address.

And I am not Mrs S Sun. I am Yellow and therefore that is my name. am not an appendage of my husband. Happy to have his surname as it is better than my maiden name, not happy to have his initials. It's 2022, not 1922.

It's annoying OP,.I think you are right to complain. It is the traditional ( sexist) way of addressing a letter to a married couple but its a practice that should have died out ages ago.
Hopefully, the more we complain hopefully the quicker the practice will die out.
It might be accepted as proof of address however you may need your marriage certificate as well, but much simpler just to have your full name or correct initial on the letter.

@Kendodd

OP you still haven't said if you took your husband's name? So you are Mrs Smith? If so, the letter does prove your identity doesn't it?

It doesn't if she is Jane Smith and the letter says Mr & Mrs P Smith (for eg Peter).

It might if it said Mr P and Mrs J Smith.