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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sick of dds friends and their bloody parents

156 replies

Theyulelog · 30/03/2022 17:45

Dd aged 12 has a small group of friends.
Every week without fail I have dd turning up to the house with them wanting a lift home after being at the park, after school club etc.
I work full time and I’m heavily pregnant and I don’t use the car to pick dd up from school etc because she just walks over the road.
I’ve had parents turn up at the door at night asking if their kids are with dd as well.
None of these parents are ensuring their kids have their phone on them, so they end up at my house expecting lifts.
I’ve also ran one girl home to find that her mum wasn’t in and had to run around to other family members.
I dropped dd at the park today and drove away because she arranged to meet her friend after school. Friend didn’t show because she wasn’t able to go and didn’t have her phone with her to tell dd. Yet again I had to drop everything and go pick her up to bring home.
I’ve had parents message me because their dc have gone missing. I’ve been out looking for them to help.
One girl had her mum come to meet her after school but told dd her phone was dead and she needed a lift home from school because she didn’t have anyone to get her.
I messaged the mum and she told me her dc told her I was giving her a lift! This was after a day at work and I had things on.
I’ve told dd I don’t want her to bring people back to the house for lifts and stop turning up with friends unannounced as I keep getting dragged into it all. I’ve told dd their parents can sort them from now on.
Just ranting really but in this day and age I would fully expect if you are letting your dc out after school then they need a phone to
Let you know where they are and when to come home etc.
I live by the school so im an easy target.

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 30/03/2022 21:07

Yep DD problem. She's the one cheerfully telling her mates her mum with sort it. I'm sure some of these “my phone died" instances would have come about from a flurry of texts between DD and her mates hatching a plan. The parents are just listening to what they are being told, as are you.

Indicatrice · 30/03/2022 21:09

Do your dd is happy to make her heavily pregnant mum suffer? She’s not much of a people pleaser.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 30/03/2022 21:12

Text the parents to come and pick their daughters up and if they don't tell them that you are putting them in a taxi and they will have to pay at the other end.

Medicaltextbook · 30/03/2022 21:13

It’s not selfish not to offer or give the lift unless pre- arranged. You can clearly say that you are pregnant/working/will have new born. Don’t pretend not to be able to drive because the next time you are seen driving you again become a potential taxi. I think you’ll need the charger and you send the message. I only know my own number landline numbers as I needed to remember them to dial from a landline. Land friends may genuinely not know the number off by heart, though would be safer.

Hawkins001 · 30/03/2022 21:29

These days with most glued to their phones, omg 😲with low battery levels

Hawkins001 · 30/03/2022 21:29

All the best op, your a good soul

RedToothBrush · 30/03/2022 21:34

@Theyulelog

I’m trying to assert boundaries but when a kid is showing up at 8pm and says they need to walk home alone and their phone is dead, I can’t just not give them a lift. I’ve been messaging the parents but it’s a load of lies, the kids just can’t be arsed to walk or the parents can’t be arsed to walk to meet their kids. Half the battle with all these issues would resolve if they took their phones with them and made sure they are charged. I’m sick of picking up the pieces for other peoples crap parenting.
"I'm not letting her walk home alone at this time. She can stay here and sleep downstair until 6.30am and then she can walk home if you can't be arsed to pick her up or get a taxi"
FluffyDogMother · 30/03/2022 21:41

If children are not collected let the police know (maybe a welfare check on parents is needed?), or let the school know as a picture may need to be built concerning parental neglect.

Threeboysandadog · 30/03/2022 21:47

Tell your dd that the next time she brings someone home looking for a lift she will be grounded for a week and that it will happen every. single. time. Make the punishment fit the crime. That will stop it.

FlyingPandas · 30/03/2022 21:59

As others have said OP-your DD is a people pleaser because you are a people pleaser.

It’s learned behaviour, she’s copying you.

So model polite, gentle assertiveness.

No lifts, DC are welcome to charge their phones enough to call their parents or walk home alone.

Just keep saying no. If a dc says her mum thought you were dropping her home just say no, sorry, mum got it wrong, she needs to come and get you.

Reiterate to parents that DC are their own responsibility not yours.

Lie a bit and make them feel guilty as fuck. Say your doctor is concerned about your blood pressure, worried about baby going into distress and gosh, it’s really not helping that so many parents seem to feel like you’re the default childminder…

Basically just keep saying no.

UniversalAunt · 30/03/2022 22:04

If anyone is seriously concerned about a child in a pattern of requiring impromptu lifts to get home alone late in the day after school, then they may consider speaking to the safeguarding lead at the school.

This is more useful to the child than contacting the police.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/03/2022 23:12

You could also change your language with your DD a bit. 'Selfish' is a very negative word. You are not trying to teach her (or yourself) to be selfish. It's not selfish to allow other people to organise their own lives. It's not selfish to expect other parents to care for their own children. It's not selfish to consider your time and effort to have equal value as anyone else's. All of these things are normal not selfish. You are trying to teach your DD normal boundaries.

If you stop allowing other people to suck up your time and energy then you will have time to give to your own family, because they need you and nobody else is going to give them what you can give. You'll have time to look after yourself properly and do something you enjoy. You might even have some time and energy (once your DC are older, nobody has spare time with a baby) to give towards people who actually need help instead of those who can't be bothered to help themselves. Fundraising or volunteering or taking an interest in issues and giving moral support or spreading the word about wrongs that need righting.

Medicaltextbook · 30/03/2022 23:31

Lie a bit and make them feel guilty as fuck. Say your doctor is concerned about your blood pressure, worried about baby going into distress and gosh, it’s really not helping that so many parents seem to feel like you’re the default childminder…

Don’t do this mainly to DD. Worrying to overhear, much worse for DD (and her friends who have taken lead from DD and you) if you have a problematic birth or a baby with additional needs.
They may not pass it in to the parents who would understand what it might mean.

PikachuAndMe · 31/03/2022 05:09

I would stay well out of it. The children can call their own parents and make arrangements. I wouldn't lend my phone or or get involved by messaging/calling either. The child can borrow DDs phone and do that themselves.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2022 08:13

@Plastictattoo

Could you do a general message to the parents explaining you are heavily pregnant, working full time and finding it hard to do all this running around on top of everything? Perhaps ask if they could help both now and when the baby arrives? I would respond to a message like that by helping out
She doesn't need their help! She just needs them to do their own bloody job with their own child.
blackheartsgirl · 31/03/2022 09:21

I’ve had this on and off over the years with all four of mine but most recently with the younger two 14 and 11. One would frequently ask for lifts home from school for her friend who lives the other side of town and she doesn’t want to walk. Soon nipped that one in the bud. Another asked the youngest for lifts to a sport every week last minute and it wasn’t arranged through her parents. I refused and said that unless her parents personally contact me I would not be doing lifts and that sorted that one.. parents now text lol.

The only one I’ve never had any problem with is another girl who does the same sport. Her mum always contacts me and she can’t drive so I take her daughter twice a week. We travel for away games too. In return she lets my dd in to her house in the mornings at half seven to wait for school bus with her dd.

It’s the parents responsibility to sort thier kids out op. Say no.

PineappleWilson · 31/03/2022 09:41

Op, try "midwife says I can't drive / need to rest" as they can't argue with that. Flat no, you can't drive people now, or when new baby is here. That will be "no room in the car with the baby's stuff".

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/03/2022 09:47

It's up to the children's parents, if they are happy with their children walking home at 8 at night then that's up to them, children have been doing it forever

Tell your dd that you are no longer dealing with lifts or children turning up at night so she needs to let her friends know

Keepitonthedownlow · 31/03/2022 09:51

Get the parents phone numbers and ring them instead?

Shinyandnew1 · 31/03/2022 10:05

@Theyulelog

Dd is a massive people pleaser, she has been like this since nursery. She is always the one wanting to help and gets involved in other peoples problems. I’m trying to get her to be more selfish. I’m going to take on board what others are saying and just say no, after all when the baby is here I won’t be able to anyway.
It sounds like this is the problem-if your DD is saying to her mates that you are happy to take them home, they might think it was you offered.

Speak to her. She needs to please you as well!

GlitteryGreen · 31/03/2022 12:49

Get DD to save their parents' numbers on her phone so if their phones are dead they can use hers/your house phone to call for a lift home.

GCMM · 31/03/2022 13:38

I wouldn't be surprised if the ones claiming not to have their phones on them weren't lying...I don't know a single pre-teen or teen girl who isn't glued to their phones. Even if they don't use them much, they literally don't leave them out of their hands.

CruCru · 31/03/2022 14:32

This is an interesting thread. I was occasionally the DD (a mixture of some difficult friendships and living very centrally).

One or two people have suggested speaking with the safeguarding lead at school. From what the OP has said, these children aren’t at risk - they just expect to be given lifts without asking first.

First I would speak to the daughter and tell her that from now on, you don’t want her to bring anyone back without asking first and that you can’t give any more lifts. Then, when she rings to ask say no (it’s really important to say no so the friends get the message).

Then contact the parents and say that at this stage you aren’t going to be able to give any more lifts so you’d really appreciate it if they can sort out their own way home. You’ve told your daughter that she needs to ask before bringing people home as you’re getting the house ready for the new baby.

I wonder a bit whether the OP has different expectations to the daughter’s friends’ parents. At 12, I was able to walk home from a mile away and got public transport everywhere. Sending the friends home with no lift is not evil child abandonment (particularly now the clocks have changed) unless they need to walk miles along a duel carriageway (in which case you can reasonably get very cross). If the parents are unhappy with their children not being given lifts then they can provide them themselves).

yzed · 31/03/2022 15:49

OP. How would it be if you got some "Taxi Service" cards printed (and hand out to everyone first thing).

Flexible Taxi. £10 per mile. £50 minimum charge (per person). Cash in advance.
(Schoolchildren, make sure you have the cash on you before you leave home in the morning, as no excuses will be accepted.)

I think you'll find the requests stop pretty instantly!

Bambozled33 · 31/03/2022 16:11

Just offer to let them use a phone so they can call parent to come get them.