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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of dds friends and their bloody parents

156 replies

Theyulelog · 30/03/2022 17:45

Dd aged 12 has a small group of friends.
Every week without fail I have dd turning up to the house with them wanting a lift home after being at the park, after school club etc.
I work full time and I’m heavily pregnant and I don’t use the car to pick dd up from school etc because she just walks over the road.
I’ve had parents turn up at the door at night asking if their kids are with dd as well.
None of these parents are ensuring their kids have their phone on them, so they end up at my house expecting lifts.
I’ve also ran one girl home to find that her mum wasn’t in and had to run around to other family members.
I dropped dd at the park today and drove away because she arranged to meet her friend after school. Friend didn’t show because she wasn’t able to go and didn’t have her phone with her to tell dd. Yet again I had to drop everything and go pick her up to bring home.
I’ve had parents message me because their dc have gone missing. I’ve been out looking for them to help.
One girl had her mum come to meet her after school but told dd her phone was dead and she needed a lift home from school because she didn’t have anyone to get her.
I messaged the mum and she told me her dc told her I was giving her a lift! This was after a day at work and I had things on.
I’ve told dd I don’t want her to bring people back to the house for lifts and stop turning up with friends unannounced as I keep getting dragged into it all. I’ve told dd their parents can sort them from now on.
Just ranting really but in this day and age I would fully expect if you are letting your dc out after school then they need a phone to
Let you know where they are and when to come home etc.
I live by the school so im an easy target.

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 30/03/2022 20:01

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

There’s no point in telling your DD to stop being a people pleaser if you don’t also model assertiveness yourself. She will do as you do and not as you say.
This. ⬆️

She learned this behaviour and I’m afraid it’s probably from you. You just said “She is always the one wanting to help and gets involved in other peoples problems.” That very much sounds exactly like your original post’s whole issue. You see the other kids as your problem to solve instead of the other parents’ problems and you want to be helpful and keep them safe.

From a fellow people pleaser, I know exactly how hard it must be to assert your boundaries so I won’t tell you to do it for yourself.

Do it for your daughter until it starts feeling ok to do it for yourself. She needs to learn how to set those boundaries or she’ll always feel the same ‘thrill of being the nice one to resentment for being put upon and back again’ cycle that you and all of us people pleasers get stuck in.

billy1966 · 30/03/2022 20:03

OP, can you see the link between your child being a people pleaser and you being a complete mug?

The link is there.

VyeBrator · 30/03/2022 20:04

@Theyulelog

Dd is a massive people pleaser, she has been like this since nursery. She is always the one wanting to help and gets involved in other peoples problems. I’m trying to get her to be more selfish. I’m going to take on board what others are saying and just say no, after all when the baby is here I won’t be able to anyway.
You don't have to get her to 'be more selfish'. You just have to get her to do as she's told, and that's to stop using you as a taxi.

Do you think there's a chance this is making her feel more popular? Because if so, the kids are just using her.

Mybestyear · 30/03/2022 20:05

Get yourself a Jack Daniels glass and claim you’ve been drinking Grin

Tilltheend99 · 30/03/2022 20:06

If they don’t have their phone can’t you call their parents to come and get them themselves?

M0RVEN · 30/03/2022 20:15

@Theyulelog

Dd is a massive people pleaser, she has been like this since nursery. She is always the one wanting to help and gets involved in other peoples problems. I’m trying to get her to be more selfish. I’m going to take on board what others are saying and just say no, after all when the baby is here I won’t be able to anyway.
Your daughter is already quite selfish enough, if she is offering up your time and money to increase her own popularity with her friends.
Notanotherwindow · 30/03/2022 20:17

You absolutely can say no at 8pm. If you say no they'll have to walk, they will miraculously find their phone or remember their parents number. Or they'll walk. They aren't your kids, you aren't responsible for them.

MRex · 30/03/2022 20:27

Just say no, can't, pregnant and busy! Worst case late at night you let them in, but sit them down with your phone and tell them to call their parents. On arrival you tell the parents you're worried what on earth could happen to their DD when they aren't being supervised SO late at night. They will hopefully not want the embarrassment of their DD doing it again.

Rosebel · 30/03/2022 20:28

I couldn't cope with that. I get annoyed that my DD will always walk her friends home but then call DH to pick her up. Or ask if he can pick her and her best friend up.
I keep telling her to get her friends to walk her home first (or at least some of the time) and telling DH he is not obliged to pick her and best friend up and drop best friend home, considering her parents never do. Note that DD doesn't ask me because she knows what my answer will be.
Neither listen so I let them carry on.
Just say no. Let them use your phone if they don't have one (but surely all kids have mobiles).
You won't be able to do it when the baby comes so start saying no and if your DD keeps bringing children home for lifts then give her consequences. It'll soon stop

AskingforaBaskin · 30/03/2022 20:29

@Theyulelog

Dd is a massive people pleaser, she has been like this since nursery. She is always the one wanting to help and gets involved in other peoples problems. I’m trying to get her to be more selfish. I’m going to take on board what others are saying and just say no, after all when the baby is here I won’t be able to anyway.
After your posts this is probably a learned behaviour from you.

How are you going to teach her to be more selfish when your exhibiting the very behaviour you want her to stop.

mynamesnotMa · 30/03/2022 20:32

This is me. Just be strong. I've pissed a mother off because I told her her son wasn't to keep coming into my house without me being there. He's a cheeky fucker and clearly so is the mum. Don't be too nice as teenagers are self absorbed and will take the piss

WindyKnickers · 30/03/2022 20:36

@GreenClock

Send them home on foot no matter what the time is. Message the parent to say they’re on their way. Say, “her phone was out of charge again”.

Repeat this until it sinks in. And tell your daughter to stop offering them lifts.

They’ll soon get the hint and start parenting their own kids.

I agree with this. It's starting to stay lighter in the evenings. Let them walk home home. There is absolutely no way I'd expect another parent to ferry my kid about without it being fully prearranged and reciprocated. You are not responsible for the safety of all the randoms that end up on your doorstep. Their parents are.
Dou8hnuts · 30/03/2022 20:36

Your daughter needs to learn that she can’t make decisions before consulting you. When I was a kid money was tight and if I wanted to invite a friend over I had to check in advance. I also wouldn’t have dreamed of saying my parent will run them home we had one car and my dad was out working all hours to support our family. Tell your daughter going forward that before saying “my mums will do ………” to check in with you via phone or face to face to actually ask if you’re prepared to do this. This includes having friends over especially with you being heavily pregnant and will soon have a newborn that will throw everything into disarray. If she wants a friend over agree to one day a week and she must prearrange how child will get home because when baby is here you can’t be trailing a newborn out to drop her friends off so they will need a parent to pick up, a taxi / bus fare or to walk. You won’t be offering lifts for other peoples kids. Re the parents I would just be straight with them they’ve all had newborns and knows how stressful it can be and how tiring pregnancy and parenting a newborn is. Ask them to take responsibility for their child getting home. “Dear so and so, as you know I’m heavily pregnant abs very soon will have a newborn to care for whilst juggling my home and work. While I’m happy to allow your child to have their dinner at my home if they’ve come home from school with my daughter I can’t be upsetting a newborn by becoming a cab service to get them home. I presume you’re happy for them to walk as you’ve offered no other form of transport so failing any other mode of transport, lift or bus / taxi fare or child having a phone on them or a number to ring you to be collected I shall send them home at a reasonable time to suit our families routine.

Don’t let them carry on taking advantage and your daughter needs to learn that she cannot put words into your mouth and agree to things before consulting you.
I caught the bus or walked places because I didn’t have any other option. It’s not your responsibility to get them home they’ve had a quiet evening they should be happy to come collect their child and thank you for feeding and caring for them.

ffscovid · 30/03/2022 20:41

Just say no. They can walk home / arrange for their own DPs to collect them. At a push, I'd offer use of the phone if they don't have one on them but otherwise, it's not your circus, not your monkeys.

OfstedOffred · 30/03/2022 20:43

Send a blanket message to the parents explaining you can't drive their kids.

Lie if you want to avoid confrontation - just say you've got an eye problem and are off the road for a bit. It will break the habit.

Also tell your DD she must ask permission before bringing any friend home (you can then advance message parents explaining that if their children come, you aren't available to drop home). Confiscate phone if DD doesnt ask.

UniversalAunt · 30/03/2022 20:45

‘ I got fed up and told them the new rule was if they put me on the spot it was an automatic no.’

This is an approach that you can start with your DD tonight.

Establish a brief zone when kids may call round briefly to debrief/hang out after school. Maybe 30 minutes after school. After that kids are to set off home,

After that no lifts, staying later for dinner, sleepovers, anything that grinds your goodwill unless the whole shebang is pre arranged in advance - not with your DD, with the parents. Set things up so that adults have to ask & negotiate with you for favours.

Hold your nerve when she tests you with her little chums in the audience. They’ll soon get the message as well. @Theyulelog is a tough mamma, she doesn’t take any shit.

.

Sparklybanana · 30/03/2022 20:46

Start charging.
Ask the kid when their parents are picking them up?
Say No.

Repeat after me. "I am not a taxi"

Blossomandbee · 30/03/2022 20:47

I'm guessing by her age she might be in her first year of secondary? If so, if it's any consolation my DS went through a phase of this in the same year, although not as bad. He would turn up with any random who needed a lift, feeding, no door key and no one home type scenario.
I did nip it in the bud and say he needed to pre arrange any visits especially if they wanted feeding!
It did settle down. Not an excuse but I think it's a difficult year where they're growing up and being given new freedom and responsibility, like getting themselves home, but they haven't quite got in the swing of it.
Unfortunately the more you help them out the more they will take it for granted. There's no incentive to make sure their phone is charged and lifts arranged etc if you always bail them out. It's hard I know but you need to be a bit tougher.

EducatingArti · 30/03/2022 20:47

If a random child turns up, I'd say they can phone their parents ( offer charger if needed) for a lift.
Then say "we are just about to do the washing up/dusting/ vacuuming/mop the floor. You are welcome to stay and join in while you are waiting for mum/dad to come and pick you up.
They won't do it more than once!

UniversalAunt · 30/03/2022 20:56

BTW, your DD will have noticed that you are pregnant - like d’oh - & it is part of her preparation for the new baby to understand that you have limits because you are only human, & she will be expected to be more responsible as a) she is growing up & b) baby will need constant attention.

She is old enough to grasp that things will change & the sooner that you firm up house rules the less likely DD is to attribute regime change to the new baby.

DD may not yet know how to keep friends at bay & she will benefit from your practical example of putting firmer boundaries in. Is this her first year at secondary? She may not be used yet to holding her own with bigger/older kids? Having a house so close to school is a dual edged sword as proximity is convenient to your DD & also to her new friends.

AuntEater · 30/03/2022 21:00

Just say no.

RealBecca · 30/03/2022 21:00

Just give them your phone to call their parents?

Beautiful3 · 30/03/2022 21:01

I had this problem too. I ended up telling my daughter to stop bringing her friends back here. The straw that broke the camels back, daughters friend rang her mum for a lift home, (lived 20 minutes walk away). I could hear her mum say clearly, "ask x (beautiful3) for a lift, I want to relax now". Really?! I've fed her daughter all day, and now you expect a.lift back too, because... to relax?! Where's my relax time?! I told my daughter when meeting them, to end it by walking them back half-way then say bye. But not to bring them back. If they ask for a lift, then to tell them sorry mum said she can't tonight. It's worked so far.

Walkingalot · 30/03/2022 21:04

Sounds like you have a DD problem, lol, (usually it's DH). Maybe she likes being popular so sends out the message that yeah, Mum will do it etc.

You really have got to start saying no. Don't even let them through the door.

Indicatrice · 30/03/2022 21:05

@Eightiesfan

God, this sounds familiar, I had this when kids were in infant/primary school. I work in a school and finished in time to do the pick-up after school. Because parents knew this, I ended up with other peoples kids at my house every day. There was also the “can you take them to gym classes” or swimming lessons after school. Once you are in the unpaid childminder zone, it’s very hard to get out. I only managed it when my DS1 started secondary school, and his friends were then deemed old enough to go home on their own!
So you didn’t actually manage it, it stopped because they changed schools.

Don’t let it go on for years op.