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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of dds friends and their bloody parents

156 replies

Theyulelog · 30/03/2022 17:45

Dd aged 12 has a small group of friends.
Every week without fail I have dd turning up to the house with them wanting a lift home after being at the park, after school club etc.
I work full time and I’m heavily pregnant and I don’t use the car to pick dd up from school etc because she just walks over the road.
I’ve had parents turn up at the door at night asking if their kids are with dd as well.
None of these parents are ensuring their kids have their phone on them, so they end up at my house expecting lifts.
I’ve also ran one girl home to find that her mum wasn’t in and had to run around to other family members.
I dropped dd at the park today and drove away because she arranged to meet her friend after school. Friend didn’t show because she wasn’t able to go and didn’t have her phone with her to tell dd. Yet again I had to drop everything and go pick her up to bring home.
I’ve had parents message me because their dc have gone missing. I’ve been out looking for them to help.
One girl had her mum come to meet her after school but told dd her phone was dead and she needed a lift home from school because she didn’t have anyone to get her.
I messaged the mum and she told me her dc told her I was giving her a lift! This was after a day at work and I had things on.
I’ve told dd I don’t want her to bring people back to the house for lifts and stop turning up with friends unannounced as I keep getting dragged into it all. I’ve told dd their parents can sort them from now on.
Just ranting really but in this day and age I would fully expect if you are letting your dc out after school then they need a phone to
Let you know where they are and when to come home etc.
I live by the school so im an easy target.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2022 18:23

Yep get all the parents mobile and home phone numbers and then they can call from your phone to say they need a lift or are walking home alone.

Once the baby arrives you can't ferry around anymore even if you wanted to!

Gizacluethen · 30/03/2022 18:23

I'd send a message round the parents explaining that you seem to have become the kids go-to parent and could they please make sure they have their phones to xontact their own parents as you can't be running them all around since you're heavily pregnant and obviously will have a young baby soon. And I'd start telling your daughter off for asking because she's just as bad and she needs to learn that you don't expect someone to run around after others.

MoiraNotRuby · 30/03/2022 18:23

Tricky because the kids might be telling their parents you're really nice and always do it. I think its a good suggestion of messaging all the parents - say you have car issues and can't take responsibility for getting their kids safely home - not that you need to make excuses but it helps make that firm line.

Sounds like a whatsapp group of all the friends and their parents might be good, then you can say 'x is here, who's going to fetch her, its dark and late for her to be walking' - and everyone will see the replies and how much this is happening.

Zoom101 · 30/03/2022 18:29

One girl had her mum come to meet her after school but told dd her phone was dead and she needed a lift home from school because she didn’t have anyone to get her.
I messaged the mum and she told me her dc told her I was giving her a lift

If this happens again, surely you just say that no, this was not agreed and that she needs to come and pick up her child?

Abaababa · 30/03/2022 18:33

@Ionlydomassiveones

Why are people soooo bad at just saying no? I don’t get it. If they asked you to give them a thousand pounds would you do it? No, you wouldn’t. If they asked if they could move into your house and eat all your food would you say yes? No hopefully you wouldn’t. If they asked to borrow your car for 3 weeks what would you say? No. It’s very easy.

‘No sorry, I can’t do that’
‘No you’ll have to get them because I’m knackered after work and I’ve just put tea on.’
‘No DD - they’ll have to walk home…too far? Well sorry love, they’ll have to get their parent to pick them up.’
‘No. Just because I don’t feel like it.’
‘What are the arrangements for pick up because I’m not doing it.’

Boundaries op…boundaries. You’re not a babysitting-concierge and taxi service. Have some.

This!!!
ENoeuf · 30/03/2022 18:33

It’s really difficult isn’t it because you do it to facilitate friendships and then it ends up always you. So if you stop no one else will step in, public transport is often no good and the kids don’t meet / leave yours out.

Raizin · 30/03/2022 18:35

@Theyulelog

I’m trying to assert boundaries but when a kid is showing up at 8pm and says they need to walk home alone and their phone is dead, I can’t just not give them a lift. I’ve been messaging the parents but it’s a load of lies, the kids just can’t be arsed to walk or the parents can’t be arsed to walk to meet their kids. Half the battle with all these issues would resolve if they took their phones with them and made sure they are charged. I’m sick of picking up the pieces for other peoples crap parenting.
Why is a child showing up at your house after school, at 8pm in the first place?! They should be at home!

Seriously, start saying no or just be prepared to be taken for a mug for the rest of your daughters school days!

inheritancetrack · 30/03/2022 18:35

Is DD being over generous with your time and offering lifts etc? Makes her popular I'm sure but not in your interest to let it continue.

DenholmElliot · 30/03/2022 18:38

Every time someone asks you for a lift, tell them you've been drinking and you're over the limit.

They'll all think you're a lush of course, but thats a small price to pay Wink It's what I do when work ring me and ask me to do an extra shift.

Eightiesfan · 30/03/2022 18:39

God, this sounds familiar, I had this when kids were in infant/primary school. I work in a school and finished in time to do the pick-up after school. Because parents knew this, I ended up with other peoples kids at my house every day. There was also the “can you take them to gym classes” or swimming lessons after school. Once you are in the unpaid childminder zone, it’s very hard to get out. I only managed it when my DS1 started secondary school, and his friends were then deemed old enough to go home on their own!

Eeksteek · 30/03/2022 18:39

Message DD’s friends parent’s and explain that you need lifts to be arranged between adults. Your DD doesn’t have your work schedule and you have a baby due soon, so things are very up in the air for you and you’re sure they appreciate you can’t give lifts not arranged with you in advance. 12 year olds are not reliable family schedulers!

thisplaceisweird · 30/03/2022 18:40

If a child turns up at your door I'd be calling the parents saying you won't be driving them home/can't drive right now and they'll need to come and get them. And you have to leave the house in 15 mins so they will need to wait in your front garden if they don't arrive before then.

mummymeister · 30/03/2022 18:40

do you know why people take the piss? because they can. because they know you will do it and so they cant be arsed. no need to message parents or apologise to anyone or anything else. next time this happens be firm and clear both to the other child and your dd.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/03/2022 18:43

Have charger cables for every type of phone. Plug their phone in, they will be able to phone their parents within a minute or two. Be completely uninterested, don't show concern. If they say "Mum says I have to walk home if you can't drop me" then say "well, if your parents are happy for you to do that then go ahead".

Tell your DD to tell all her friends that you won't be giving lifts so don't even ask.

WonderfulYou · 30/03/2022 18:46

It sounds like you’re offering rather than them asking so just don’t offer.

If one of them says they’re walking home at 8pm they can charge their phone or use DDs to tell their parents they’re about to walk home and then it’s up to their parents to decide whether they can walk home or if they’ll come and pick them up.

latetothefisting · 30/03/2022 18:47

@Theyulelog

I’m trying to assert boundaries but when a kid is showing up at 8pm and says they need to walk home alone and their phone is dead, I can’t just not give them a lift. I’ve been messaging the parents but it’s a load of lies, the kids just can’t be arsed to walk or the parents can’t be arsed to walk to meet their kids. Half the battle with all these issues would resolve if they took their phones with them and made sure they are charged. I’m sick of picking up the pieces for other peoples crap parenting.
say they can use your phone to call, or charge their phone at your house then. It's light at 8pm now, they're 12, they can walk home! JUST SAY NO! You can bet their parents wouldn't be giving your dd a lift home, so why do you feel responsible for all these random kids?
ZoyaTheDestroyer · 30/03/2022 18:47

@Theyulelog

I’m trying to assert boundaries but when a kid is showing up at 8pm and says they need to walk home alone and their phone is dead, I can’t just not give them a lift. I’ve been messaging the parents but it’s a load of lies, the kids just can’t be arsed to walk or the parents can’t be arsed to walk to meet their kids. Half the battle with all these issues would resolve if they took their phones with them and made sure they are charged. I’m sick of picking up the pieces for other peoples crap parenting.
Of course you can. You let them in for five minutes, stick their phone on charge, and phone the parents yourself.
Thewindwhispers · 30/03/2022 18:50

I’m sorry OP. It’s clear that you are lovely and also clear that people are taking advantage. You need to stop giving in, or perhaps ban your dd from meeting up with friends / going to the park until she stops bringing them round with demands.

In short you need to put your foot down.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 18:50

It is not your job to make sure other people's children get home regardless of the time of night. You are being far too nice and they are all taking advantage.

To DD: ' I am heavily pregnant please can you tell your friends they will have to organise alternative ways home'

To friends that rock up - 'I am just going to bed, you will need to contact your parents, see you tomorrow at school' close the front door

On repeat every single time. You can not possibly allow this to continue with a newborn in the mix as well. Nip it in the bud. Be assertive. You are not the local police force/well being officer.

Hollywolly1 · 30/03/2022 18:51

It's up to every parent to KNOW where there child is end of. Just be unavailable, turn off your phone 8r do not answer as you are resting etc etc,I would help anyone look for there child if missing but this is all the time.
You said you are an easy target (yabu),only if you allow yourself to be

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 18:51

Remember you are modelling people pleasing to your dd, surely you want her to grow up knowing what boundaries look like.

You need to be a good example, especially for her.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 30/03/2022 18:51

OP you're heavily pregnant. Use this as an excuse. Allow the children to use your phone to call their parents and arrange how to get home. Tell the parents that you aren't feeling great and can't drop them. You shouldn't have to but they are clearly CFs so at least it avoids any confrontation or animosity.

runsmidgeOMG · 30/03/2022 18:52

Yeah another one in the text the parents group.

"Hi guys, there appears to be a mis communication in that my DD has been offering out lifts on my behalf. I'm due to give birth in x amount of time and I'm tired and will obviously have a newborn to consider. Please can you make sure the kidders have their phones fully charged and a way of getting home as I'll no longer be able to drop them off. Kids eh ?
Thanks ! "

Hollywolly1 · 30/03/2022 18:53

You do not need to tell your daughter anything about getting her friends to organise lifts home,that's up to her friends parents not you to worry about.

Thewindwhispers · 30/03/2022 18:53

A child turns up on the doorstep demanding a lift. Their phone is dead. Do you:

(A) drop everything and take them home.

(B) sit them in the corner, stick their phone on charge, and tell them to call their parents to get a lift. If parents don’t answer all night, allow the child to sleep on sofa. They won’t ask you for a lift again…

(C) tell the child to walk home.

(D) if child has money, call the child a taxi.

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