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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of dds friends and their bloody parents

156 replies

Theyulelog · 30/03/2022 17:45

Dd aged 12 has a small group of friends.
Every week without fail I have dd turning up to the house with them wanting a lift home after being at the park, after school club etc.
I work full time and I’m heavily pregnant and I don’t use the car to pick dd up from school etc because she just walks over the road.
I’ve had parents turn up at the door at night asking if their kids are with dd as well.
None of these parents are ensuring their kids have their phone on them, so they end up at my house expecting lifts.
I’ve also ran one girl home to find that her mum wasn’t in and had to run around to other family members.
I dropped dd at the park today and drove away because she arranged to meet her friend after school. Friend didn’t show because she wasn’t able to go and didn’t have her phone with her to tell dd. Yet again I had to drop everything and go pick her up to bring home.
I’ve had parents message me because their dc have gone missing. I’ve been out looking for them to help.
One girl had her mum come to meet her after school but told dd her phone was dead and she needed a lift home from school because she didn’t have anyone to get her.
I messaged the mum and she told me her dc told her I was giving her a lift! This was after a day at work and I had things on.
I’ve told dd I don’t want her to bring people back to the house for lifts and stop turning up with friends unannounced as I keep getting dragged into it all. I’ve told dd their parents can sort them from now on.
Just ranting really but in this day and age I would fully expect if you are letting your dc out after school then they need a phone to
Let you know where they are and when to come home etc.
I live by the school so im an easy target.

OP posts:
Walton45123 · 30/03/2022 19:10

Are you sure their phones are dead? I’m a teacher and when going on school trips etc it’s amazing how often their phones are dead. Or their laptops when homework is due etc etc.
They’re 12. Their phones are an extension of their lives. (Sad but true.)
There’s no way they’re not charged.

Thinkingblonde · 30/03/2022 19:10

If they say the phones are dead tell the kids to ring the parents from either your landline or mobile to pick their kids up. Or offer to charge the phone up if your charger is compatible, a quick five minute charge should be enough.
Don’t ask, tell them.

You’re being walked on.

NOTANUM · 30/03/2022 19:11

What strikes me is the level of freedom the kids have. A 12 year old should be home from the park a long time by 8pm. They shouldn’t be starting to look for them at 8pm!
It’s not ideal and those parents will find it hard to control these kids at 15/16 when they’re asking to go to pubs and not taking their phones.

Harrysmummy246 · 30/03/2022 19:13

One simple word

NO

And soon enough, you'll have a newborn, probably cluster feeding (and if not, then you say they are anyway) who can't be shoved in the car every time someone needs a lift.

Phone dead? Here you go, use the landline to ring home. You are enabling it

Echobelly · 30/03/2022 19:13

Definitely start saying no though - it would be totally reasonable to say you can't do this any more as you are heavily pregnant and there is no way you'll be able to help when you have a newborn so people need to think of solutions. It might actually be easiest to get DD to tell friends 'Mum won't be able to give you lifts/pass on messages anymore because the baby's coming very soon'

BlueSummerBaby · 30/03/2022 19:14

The girls don't need mobile phones on them, but there's no reason why they can't arrange in advance for their lift home that night, then get themselves to the pre arranged pick up point at the agreed time. This is what people did before mobile phones and it worked fine.

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 19:19

What's going to happen when you have a newborn? Will you be ferrying these kids around ? What if you have a CS and can't drive for 6 weeks?

You need to come down hard on your daughter here. She's the link and she needs to stop. Tell her you aren't doing it any more and if they show up at your house you will say no and your daughter will look like an idiot.
Either that or charge your daughter ten quid for each friend she offers you as taxi service for. I'm betting she'd stop it then.

Electriq · 30/03/2022 19:24

A few things -
Get the group to share their parents numbers and save them in their phones, just in case phones run out of battery or get broken/lost/stolen, or get dd to write them in a book so you have them in a drawer.

At a push, invest in one of those chargers that has all the attachments and keep a charged battery pack by the front door so the child can turn their phone on and contact parent/carer etc.

But even that is going above and beyond.

Tell dd your not taxi anymore, the girls are not your responsibility.

Sharnydubs · 30/03/2022 19:24

You definitely need to set boundaries. It's a pity that society is so dependent on mobile phones, it's partially the problem. In the past kids had to negotiate a time when they were expected home and most stuck to that, otherwise they wouldn't be allowed out next day. Children also need to have boundaries and learn to keep to agreements regarding going home time

gingerhills · 30/03/2022 19:28

Do they have a group chat? If so, can you contact the parents and girls and say,
I love seeing you and having you over but now I'm reaching the end of my pregnancy I am exhausted so I won't be giving any lifts to anyone for a good few months. Please all make sure you have other ways to get home safely if you are in our neighbourhood.

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 19:30

Send them home on their own, text the parent that kid is on way home

Aprilx · 30/03/2022 19:31

@Theyulelog

I’m trying to assert boundaries but when a kid is showing up at 8pm and says they need to walk home alone and their phone is dead, I can’t just not give them a lift. I’ve been messaging the parents but it’s a load of lies, the kids just can’t be arsed to walk or the parents can’t be arsed to walk to meet their kids. Half the battle with all these issues would resolve if they took their phones with them and made sure they are charged. I’m sick of picking up the pieces for other peoples crap parenting.
You keep saying they can’t contact parents because they haven’t a phone or the phone is dead. Why don’t you just lend them your phone!
Original poster
Theyulelog · 30/03/2022 19:32

Dd is a massive people pleaser, she has been like this since nursery. She is always the one wanting to help and gets involved in other peoples problems. I’m trying to get her to be more selfish.
I’m going to take on board what others are saying and just say no, after all when the baby is here I won’t be able to anyway.

OP posts:
RishiRich · 30/03/2022 19:33

Step 1: Purchase multi-charger cable for a fiver. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07P8K3PHZ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_dl_HT65G931S74ETAH7FJ5R?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Step 2: Tell your DD to stop bringing friends back for a lift home.

Step 3: Text all friends' parents with one of the great suggested messages from PPs ^

Step 4: Next time a friend turns up wanting a lift, say they can charge their phone and call their parents. Go off for a bath, to your bedroom for a nap, to feed baby, out etc.

Step 5: If no phone/no response, call friend a taxi. They or their parents will have to sort out payment at the other end.

Duchess379 · 30/03/2022 19:36

Omg, why are people such cf's?! I'm absolutely gobsmacked 🤦🏼‍♀️
If some waif & stray turns up, phone dead, get it charged & she can ring a parent to come get her. Say your car is broke!! If parents aren't coming out to ensure their kids welfare, then kid is walking home. It doesn't fall down to you to escort the kid home.
And every time your DD brings another 'fare' home, tell her the petrol money is coming out of her pocket money. That should buck up her ideas.
Congratulations on the pregnancy btw 💐💐

DoobryWhatsit · 30/03/2022 19:36

At the risk of sounding obvious, don't do it?! I'd just say "no problem- you're welcome to wait here while your mum/dad comes to get you. (Tbh even that would piss me off after a while! But it's probably a step too far to make 12yos wait outside....🤔)

MakingMemoriesIsShite · 30/03/2022 19:39

@KitBumbleB

Yep, feel your pain OP!

I'm the fun mum, cool mum, and most importantly the house in central town mum. Always asking for lifts, after school snacks, sleep overs etc. And I completely agree, most of the parents have no idea where their kids are at the weekends, it got to the point I was tempted to ask for maintenance!

So I started saying no, telling DD not to bring friends here unless they had a pre arranged lift home, a working phone, and a method of payment

Same here.
Lambanddog · 30/03/2022 19:41

Start asking for favours back, that usually sends them away.

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 30/03/2022 19:43

@Theyulelog

Dd is a massive people pleaser, she has been like this since nursery. She is always the one wanting to help and gets involved in other peoples problems. I’m trying to get her to be more selfish. I’m going to take on board what others are saying and just say no, after all when the baby is here I won’t be able to anyway.
That’s pretty illuminating, OP. She has to start saying no. Tell her to blame you - ‘sorry I can’t, my mum says no’. Over and over.
TheLoupGarou · 30/03/2022 19:48

"sorry X I can't give you a lift today"

Just say no! Let them use your phone to call home, or charger as others have said. Call them a taxi or whatever, but don't pay! They are being wee chancers but you are enabling them!

erinaceus · 30/03/2022 19:49

@Theyulelog

Dd is a massive people pleaser, she has been like this since nursery. She is always the one wanting to help and gets involved in other peoples problems. I’m trying to get her to be more selfish. I’m going to take on board what others are saying and just say no, after all when the baby is here I won’t be able to anyway.
Are you able to help your DD to please you, by not suggesting to her friends that you will give them a lift? Perhaps if you involve her in how much a problem giving lifts is for you (without burdening her) she will help her friends to manage their own arrangements a bit better. I agree with others that charging her friends' phones and collecting the contact details of their parents will be helpful.
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/03/2022 19:50

There’s no point in telling your DD to stop being a people pleaser if you don’t also model assertiveness yourself. She will do as you do and not as you say.

Greyarea12 · 30/03/2022 19:53

This will get worse if you don't start saying no. My nephew is 15. Because I gave him a lift a few times he now texts or calls me every single day for a lift. Literally every day. Sometimes 2 and 3 times a day. When I do give him a lift he brings his friends to the car and asks for them to get a lift too. Only this week have I started saying no because I am so fed up with it. Infact tonight I cut his call off.

I imagine that once you start saying no then the parents might actually step up. The parents are taking advantage of you because you allow it. You have to say no or offer them a charger or your phone to call their parents.

kimchichichi · 30/03/2022 19:53

Your DD is probably a doormat because she's copying your behaviour!

Get a few cheap chargers for 99p from eBay, or tell the kids to use your phone to call their parents.

Tell DD firmly that you will absolutely not be giving any more lifts.

kimchichichi · 30/03/2022 19:54

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

There’s no point in telling your DD to stop being a people pleaser if you don’t also model assertiveness yourself. She will do as you do and not as you say.

Exactly!