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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of dds friends and their bloody parents

156 replies

Theyulelog · 30/03/2022 17:45

Dd aged 12 has a small group of friends.
Every week without fail I have dd turning up to the house with them wanting a lift home after being at the park, after school club etc.
I work full time and I’m heavily pregnant and I don’t use the car to pick dd up from school etc because she just walks over the road.
I’ve had parents turn up at the door at night asking if their kids are with dd as well.
None of these parents are ensuring their kids have their phone on them, so they end up at my house expecting lifts.
I’ve also ran one girl home to find that her mum wasn’t in and had to run around to other family members.
I dropped dd at the park today and drove away because she arranged to meet her friend after school. Friend didn’t show because she wasn’t able to go and didn’t have her phone with her to tell dd. Yet again I had to drop everything and go pick her up to bring home.
I’ve had parents message me because their dc have gone missing. I’ve been out looking for them to help.
One girl had her mum come to meet her after school but told dd her phone was dead and she needed a lift home from school because she didn’t have anyone to get her.
I messaged the mum and she told me her dc told her I was giving her a lift! This was after a day at work and I had things on.
I’ve told dd I don’t want her to bring people back to the house for lifts and stop turning up with friends unannounced as I keep getting dragged into it all. I’ve told dd their parents can sort them from now on.
Just ranting really but in this day and age I would fully expect if you are letting your dc out after school then they need a phone to
Let you know where they are and when to come home etc.
I live by the school so im an easy target.

OP posts:
Momijin · 30/03/2022 18:56

Get the parents phone numbers and just lend them your phone. Have a curfew and stick to it. Eg. No kids after dark and they must have their own phone unless previously arranged.

thebabynanny · 30/03/2022 18:56

@Theyulelog

I’m trying to assert boundaries but when a kid is showing up at 8pm and says they need to walk home alone and their phone is dead, I can’t just not give them a lift. I’ve been messaging the parents but it’s a load of lies, the kids just can’t be arsed to walk or the parents can’t be arsed to walk to meet their kids. Half the battle with all these issues would resolve if they took their phones with them and made sure they are charged. I’m sick of picking up the pieces for other peoples crap parenting.
I'd let them borrow my phone to call parents or a taxi, I wouldn't be offering lifts!
Backtomyoldname · 30/03/2022 18:56

I think you are being put upon.

Get a variety of phone charger leads and collect parents’ numbers.

Hollywolly1 · 30/03/2022 18:57

Stop making excuses as to why you can't bring them home as it will make the situation worse ,say nothing at all they are not your kids not your concern and that's why the children's parents don't care because they can depend on you, this is your call but be clever and you do not need to fall out with anyone about it

Echobelly · 30/03/2022 18:58

I was just reflecting this week what a pain it must be for parents who live really near primary schools, because I have seen some just across the road leading in a small troupe of kids because clearly everyone asks to leave their kids at their house so they can get on with work etc and it must be really easy to get drawn it to it because unless your work/life really precludes it it must be hard to say to some kid just being dropped off at your house for 20 mins, but then it becomes 2 kids and 3 kids etc...

thebabynanny · 30/03/2022 18:59

@inheritancetrack

Is DD being over generous with your time and offering lifts etc? Makes her popular I'm sure but not in your interest to let it continue.
I wondered this as well - is DD offering lifts to impress her friends? Is she maybe a bit of a people pleaser and finds it hard to say no?

@Theyulelog might be worth thinking about how you can model healthy boundaries to your DD.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 19:00

I actually wouldn't get involved with ringing around, what happens if they conveniently don't answer? I wouldn't get involved and wave them off.

HerbertChops · 30/03/2022 19:00

Tell your own DD not to bring anyone or offer lifts anymore as you can no longer drive due to late pregnancy. If friends turn up for lifts just laugh and say you're not able to drive now due to pregnancy and your DD shouldn't have brought them back.

If it carries on message all other parents what is going on and that you're not driving their dc.

CFs will take the P* don't feel bad saying no to them as they won't take offence, they have no shame so don't have any when dealing with them. I've found they respond best if you're as blunt as possible.

MayDayMayDayMay · 30/03/2022 19:00

Just say no to everything

Hollywolly1 · 30/03/2022 19:00

Funny thing is if anything happens to any of the kids who will they blame....you

BuanoKubiamVej · 30/03/2022 19:01

Your only unreasonablness is the running around/taxiing you have done so far. You have let people use you and of course they are assuming that's ok if you aren't complaining. You have to dig your heels in and refuse. Any child that doesn't have they phone can use your phone to call their parents. If their parents can't collect them they can pay for a taxi. It is simply not your problem.

Goldbar · 30/03/2022 19:02

You need to stop giving lifts. Make a phone available to these children if you need to and tell them to tell their parents that they can be collected from your house. I'd let them wait inside but I wouldn't be offering food beyond a piece of toast.

ittakes2 · 30/03/2022 19:03

Just say no. Tell them you are WFH and can’t or that you are getting cramps and need to rest.

Thursa · 30/03/2022 19:05

My boys used to show up with friends in tow asking can so and so stay for dinner, or for a sleepover tonight. I got fed up and told them the new rule was if they put me on the spot it was an automatic no.

Saltyquiche · 30/03/2022 19:06

Be firm with your DD, tell her you are not giving lifts anymore and she needs to be home at 7pm alone.

Hankunamatata · 30/03/2022 19:07

You have the parents numbers so get them to ring from house phone or dd mobile.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 19:08

Funny thing is if anything happens to any of the kids who will they blame....you

No, if anything happens to the children the parents will be held responsible for leaving them outside roaming around on their own. It is not of everyone else to do their parenting!

Sushi7 · 30/03/2022 19:09

@Theyulelog tell your Dd that she needs to ask if she can bring friends over. Establish boundaries.

Also text the friends’ parents that you cannot have the teens over without prior warning and you can no longer give them lifts. They need to get the bus or their own parents need to pick them up.

Use your pregnancy as an excuse. And then when the baby arrives, use the newborn and then the toddler and then the pre schooler as an excuse.

Saltyquiche · 30/03/2022 19:09

Also be having a Bath 7pm when DD arrives home and get into your PJs and don’t get involved in logistics

If parents text, give it hours before you respond. 9pm ideally so that you’ve missed making any arrangements

Sally872 · 30/03/2022 19:09

Let the child charge their phone or call parents from your phone for lift.

123cupcake4 · 30/03/2022 19:09

It socks op but take a positive from it! You know where your dd is and she's smart and kind enough to make sure her friends are safe and that's thanks to you being a good parent. Just be careful because if you say no all the time she might start being home later etc because she's helping them find a way jome etc or waiting with them until their parent arrives. So maybe have some ground rules instead like only round to visit if they have a confirmed plan to get home or get the parents numbers and text them and say Sally is here she needs to be picked up. Don't say 'can you' just say ' you need to come abd get her now'.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 19:09

I would post something to each of the parents if you are worried,

'I am heavily pregnant, so I won't be able to drive the children home any longer. Please can you ensure your children/child is safely collected from the park, regards op'

wanttokickoffbutcant · 30/03/2022 19:10

@Ionlydomassiveones oh the 7.20 one only happened twice! I also get a tribe back after school at times but no lifts or anything involved other than by arrangement. There is a park over the road and the kids mainly go there. Just don’t like being a pre school crèche when to me at 12 they should just be taking themselves to school and back!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 30/03/2022 19:10

You can get chargers from amazon that have multiple charger ends for different phones. Stick their phone on charge and then get them to ring their parents. They'll soon stop turning up

BlueSummerBaby · 30/03/2022 19:10

@Theyulelog

I’m trying to assert boundaries but when a kid is showing up at 8pm and says they need to walk home alone and their phone is dead, I can’t just not give them a lift. I’ve been messaging the parents but it’s a load of lies, the kids just can’t be arsed to walk or the parents can’t be arsed to walk to meet their kids. Half the battle with all these issues would resolve if they took their phones with them and made sure they are charged. I’m sick of picking up the pieces for other peoples crap parenting.
You live opposite school yes? So call a taxi from outside school not your house, so it doesn't come back on you if they don't pay and give the girls name for the taxi. Girl's parents pay at other end. They'll soon stop knocking in your door!

You could also tell the children how to dial the operator and make a reverse charges call. All they need is their parents phone number and a (landline?) phone.

None of this is your problem. If you refuse to take responsibility for these children, they or their parents will learn to take responsibility for them themselves. All the time you keep doing it, they'll keep letting you.