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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Siblings, one invited to cousins birthday

151 replies

Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 09:08

I've two children 14 months apart. My sisters sons birthday falls in between them. They all go to the same school and play together. My sister invited my son but not my daughter to her sons birthday. My sister said it was "boys only". My daughter would be hurt and I'm annoyed on her behalf. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 10:43

God no, my son has been to parties the last three weekends in a row. Of course they have different friends and different parties. Just that these three are the best of friends together and one is invited while the other isnt

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 10:45

I understand that and this will be a lesson to her.

OP posts:
Horst · 29/03/2022 10:45

I think at some point most children end up having at least one boys/girls only party in their lives.

Once you stop the whole class party invites they tend to pick people they actually play with in their close friendship circles. My oldest never invited a single girl to any of his parties after reception. Funnily enough it’s only girls he ever invited round the house though.

My middle a girl she picks her 5/6 closest friends but it’s based on the party. Sleep over no boys, iceskating mixed bag but still more girls than boys. Most of the parties she’s invited too again tend to be 99% girls only parties.

Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 10:45

Ridiculous remark

OP posts:
Whinge · 29/03/2022 10:46

Just that these three are the best of friends together and one is invited while the other isnt

They're obviously not as close as you think they are, or he would have insisted that your DD was invited. 🤷🏼

toomuchlaundry · 29/03/2022 10:47

Do they play together at school? Does your daughter know yet? Maybe she won’t like some of the other boys invited and might be glad she isn’t invited

Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 10:50
Grin
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lanthanum · 29/03/2022 10:55

As they go through school, the dynamics of the party tend to be based much more on school friendships. It sometimes becomes difficult to invite friends from outside school because they're not part of that dynamic - not so bad if there are a few friends from elsewhere, but only one or two can be awkward. Similarly with friends/relatives from different year groups. Sometimes it is just simpler to keep family celebrations and party with friends separate.

I think if you fuss about only one of your children being invited, then next time they may just invite children from their own class.

SueSaid · 29/03/2022 11:00

Kids can invite whomever they like, honestly it is no biggie. Perhaps he wanted specific friends there?

Don't overthink it or else you'll pass your angst on to your dd who probably will shrug it off.

MyDcAreMarvel · 29/03/2022 11:01

and as they're so lose in age they're almost like twins being close in age is nothing like having twins!

Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 11:02

OK

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 11:04

No I definitely wouldn't let her know I'm annoyed. I'd shrug it off and distract her like suggested here. All part if growing up I suppose.

OP posts:
NeedleNoodle3 · 29/03/2022 11:08

You are being U.

TonyBlairsLover · 29/03/2022 11:09

YABU they’re young so they won’t really care

Bookworm20 · 29/03/2022 11:12

They are similar ages, not the same age. its nice your son was invited, but if its boys only, then its boys only. At age 6 I ask my dc who they want to invite, which I expect is what has happened.

I have 2 dc with a 12 month age gap, so 2 months less than yours. I have never once considered them like twins! They are a year apart! Yes they play together at that age with cousins, but as they grow up they develop friends they are closer to. And it does generally happen around ages 5/6/7 for most.
I expect your nephew wants his actual friends at his party, who all happen to be boys. I am sure it doesn't mean he no longer likes your daughter, but he was given a choice and choose his friends.

Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 11:14

Thanks everyone for advice. Some comments gave real perspective, others were less than helpful Smile. Just to be clear I treat my children equally but they have different friends and different hobbies. They are both friends with their cousin who is the same age and I know daughter would be hurt at not being invited. I would never encourage separate sex parties at this age, however I know its part of growing up and some might. My daughter is not entitled or spoilt, she is sensitive and so, like suggested here, it might be a lesson in resilience. I will distract her with a girlie day out. I was a bit annoyed and wasn't sure if it was justified. Came here to see different opinions, no big deal, no big drama.

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NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 11:17

Who said she encouraged it?

Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 11:19

Go for a walk, get some fresh air...

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ImAGummyBear · 29/03/2022 11:19

I get why you feel bad for your daughter OP, I would have too... Its not that you don't understand it's a boys only party but they're cousins, close in age and friends too, at that age she would definitely feel left out.

My child would be hurt n I would be annoyed. My kids have cousins and for those close in age - upto 3 years difference - get invited regardless whether they will enjoy the activity or not. As a parent I monitor and take my kid out if the event is getting too much for them. Like you, all cousins count the days to each birthday so would be cruel to leave one out.

Of course they get invited by their friends and go to parties separately. But for cousins who are close and play together it would feel like they're being punished by being left out.

Having said that, it's your sisters decision however much it hurts your daughter n annoys you. Let them get on with it and plan something with your daughter on the day that she would enjoy.

Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 11:21

Thank you. This is exactly it. I will do something with her.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2022 11:28

They are cousins, and siblings not best friends by choice
As they get older they may well grow apart and choose not to be such good friends other than at family events. You can’t force relationships like this, they either happen or they don’t and as they get older they may choose different friends and decide to keep family and BFFs separate

NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 11:28

@Karenm25

Go for a walk, get some fresh air...
Perhaps ask your sister along?!
Frannibananni · 29/03/2022 11:36

Yabu. It’s his party he gets to invite who he wants.

AKASammyScrounge · 29/03/2022 11:39

Yes, it seems to be a natural stage where the sexes separate. Later they mysteriously come together again for parties.Adults should leave them to it.

Bootothegoose · 29/03/2022 11:41

He's nine.

There reaches an age where kids don't want to be inviting their little cousins. He's not going to be thirteen and wanting to go to the cinema with an eight year old.

Take this possibly as the opportunity to start new family traditions. Reach out to your sister and ask

'is Jack comfortable having Billy there?' They're getting older now and I don't want him to feel like he HAS to include his cousins given the age difference. If he would prefer just his school friends, how about the weekend after or in the Easter holidays we take them to soft play/theme park/arcade/swimming pool and do a pizza tea afterwards?'

Family dynamics change over time and this isn't a case of your nephew unfairly excluding your daughter. This is your nephew growing up and having friends and relationships outside the family. He doesn't care less about the cousins, just differently.