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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Siblings, one invited to cousins birthday

151 replies

Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 09:08

I've two children 14 months apart. My sisters sons birthday falls in between them. They all go to the same school and play together. My sister invited my son but not my daughter to her sons birthday. My sister said it was "boys only". My daughter would be hurt and I'm annoyed on her behalf. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 29/03/2022 09:48

Give it a year and neither will be invited because they want their actual friends rather than cousins that they are obliged to invite!

Seriously you have already accepted that your son wouldn't be expecting to go to a princess type party. Although it is an activity that either sex may enjoy just accept this is a boys only event. Do you expect to go to the pub with DH and his mates because you like the pub too? Do you let him come on a girls night out meal because he likes eating out too?

Goldbar · 29/03/2022 09:51

It's boys only. No doubt this is what the birthday boy wanted.

I agree the concept is a bit ughh but your DD is not being unfairly excluded.

You are being a little silly about this. Your children don't need to have identical experiences in life. Drop your DS at his 'boys only' party and go and have a 'girls only' afternoon with your DD.

halvahalva · 29/03/2022 09:51

Maybe the boys only was the least hurtful way of keeping numbers down within the class or possibly the type of activity planned is the type that the birthday boy prefers to do with his friends that are boys. Obviously he could still be equally as close to other friends/ family that are girls, and enjoy playing with them, but on this occasion he prefers to do this specific activity with boys.

GetOutOfTheBathPlease · 29/03/2022 09:51

It's fine. It's very normal for boys and girls to separate out a bit at that age- children who were happily playing together at 5y spend a few years wanting to play more with their own sex (in a way that can be a bit us v them) then settle back into playing with everyone.

If your nephew wants boys only, obviously your daughter won't be invited. Maybe suggest you all get together one day before or after the birthday so they can celebrate then.

HabitsDieHard · 29/03/2022 09:53

Yanbu op at these ages it is totally unnecessary to have boys only, and I think it's awful not to include your daughter. Very very unfair

NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 09:54

@Karenm25

It's not just cousins. They're friends, all of them and I have to tell my daughter she can't go to her friends party but her brother can because she's not a boy.

So she’s invited to every party in her class Every single one Even the ones where all boys (which there are. My son was only all boys at that age. In fact all the way through primary) - your daughter is invited?

NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 09:54

I ask upthread but no response, which i suspect is all the answer I need!

But how do YOU get on with your sister?

BlingLoving · 29/03/2022 09:58

You are being completely unreasonable. One assumes that your DD is not the only girl who plays with your son and nephew. And therefore is not the only girl who is not invited. Wanting girl or boy only parties is pretty standard and you are being way too sensitive about this.

Also, if they're not in the same school year, be prepared for the fact that in the not too distant future neither of them will want to invite their respective cousins to their parties. I know, right now you're saying that's not possible because they're all good friends but trust me. DS and his cousin ARE in the same school year, get on brilliantly, play together etc. But they are at different schools. Neither would DREAM of inviting the other to his school friend's party.

NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 09:59

@Karenm25

It's not just cousins. They're friends, all of them and I have to tell my daughter she can't go to her friends party but her brother can because she's not a boy.

Seriously OP Seriously!

Don’t tell your daughter that
I’m pretty sure she’s fully aware that at playtime the boys play together and the girls play together with occasional interplay
And that there’s been parties just boys and parties just girls

Don’t put your problem with this on her!!

Just do something nice with her and say that you’re so excited to have some 1-2-1 time with her.

MrsWinters · 29/03/2022 10:01

I wouldn’t mention it as a thing to your daughter at all. Just tell them cousin is having a boys party whilst you two are going to the zoo. Present it as totally normal and a done deal. If you make it into a thing she will get upset, it’s all about how you handle it- and I think this will probably be the first of many for both of them.

latetothefisting · 29/03/2022 10:01

@Karenm25

They've always attended each others parties. There's never been a difference made.

They've always attended each other's parties until now, you mean. Did you think it would go on forever? As they get older they were always going to make more friends that they are closer to than their cousins. If your dd ever wanted a girly sleepover aged 14 were you expecting she would invite her male cousin?

halvahalva · 29/03/2022 10:02

Oh another thing. I wouldn't speak to your daughter about your perceived unfairness of it all. Discussions like that at this age will only cause difficulties in her relationship with her cousin, making her think he prefers her brother. Obviously if she brings it up, that's different, but I wouldn't add fuel to the fire.

ittakes2 · 29/03/2022 10:05

There are a limit on numbers at trampoline parties if the party venue is doing the food. It’s likely the limit was 10 if you say 9 boys are invited. Maybe he would have had to leave a school class friend out if he invited your daughter. I have no doubt this cousin plays with your daughter - but does he prefer to play with her over one of his 9 school friends is something on he or his mother can answer.

stripeyflowers · 29/03/2022 10:06

I don't think there is anything wrong with an 'all boys' party. Or an 'all girls' party. It's like a man coming on a women's night out or a woman on a men's' night out - yes there are always exceptions but, overall, it just spoils the dynamic and alters the vibe making it not the women's or men's night out it was supposed to be. It's nothing personal.

Bananabutter · 29/03/2022 10:08

Yes, YABU. Your daughter can’t go to every party your son can just because they’re siblings and vice versa. They’re two separate people.

Treating them the same does not mean they have to do everything the other one does.

Namesrus · 29/03/2022 10:09

I think if you insist on them both going to parties together you are going to run the risk of neither of them being invited to avoid conflict. You could always say no to your son going if it really bothers you that much. I grew up with sisters and being at the same school as our cousins so 7 of us in total. The closest in age/ friendship group cousin might go to a “friends” birthday party but certainly not all of us. We all met up at the birthday family gatherings and it didn’t spoil our friendship.

ittakes2 · 29/03/2022 10:11

I get why this is upsetting for you but you are going to fracture your daughters relationship with her cousin and possible create a family rift if you don’t step back from this and listen to what people are saying. My son’s good friend has a younger sister who likes joining in with them. He let her because he wants to be kind - but he has no interest in playing with his friend’s younger sister. He does not think of her as a friend - but I can see why she thinks of him as a friend as he lets her play with him.

BadNomad · 29/03/2022 10:15

If this is what the birthday boy wants then I wonder why he thinks to separate his friends into boys and girls. Or if this is from the parents then what are they teaching him. Trampolining isn't even a "boys" activity. Personally, I wouldn't send your son. I don't think he should think it's ok to leave girls out sometimes just because they are girls. Take them both another time.

RedRobyn2021 · 29/03/2022 10:15

I'm going to disagree with a lot of the comments I scrolled past and say

Your sister is an idiot

A boys party?? What on Earth? Is she living in the 1950s?

I say, take your daughter somewhere really fun that she would LOVE whilst your son is at the party and explain to her why some people in our society are determined to assign gender roles, like her aunt.

Don't bother having a big argument but I would DEFINITELY explain to your sister why she is an idiot so she knows for clarity.

RedRobyn2021 · 29/03/2022 10:18

Honestly, I can't believe some of these comments.

RedRobyn2021 · 29/03/2022 10:19

@stripeyflowers

But it's not like a woman's night out or a men's night out

They are children

Frazzled2207 · 29/03/2022 10:20

I don’t agree with girls/boys only parties however it is what it is. Just do something nice with her while her brother is at the party.

stripeyflowers · 29/03/2022 10:20

@RedRobyn2021

Honestly, I can't believe some of these comments.

Neither can I but we're never all going to agree.

stripeyflowers · 29/03/2022 10:22

[quote RedRobyn2021]@stripeyflowers

But it's not like a woman's night out or a men's night out

They are children

[/quote]
The principle is basically the same.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 29/03/2022 10:22

Redrobyn2021

So would you also think it completely unacceptable if a girl decides she wanted a party for only girls. Or is it just boys who aren’t allowed to make decisions like that?

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