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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Siblings, one invited to cousins birthday

151 replies

Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 09:08

I've two children 14 months apart. My sisters sons birthday falls in between them. They all go to the same school and play together. My sister invited my son but not my daughter to her sons birthday. My sister said it was "boys only". My daughter would be hurt and I'm annoyed on her behalf. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 10:23

@stripeyflowers

This is a 6th birthday party
“Principles”
Grin

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 29/03/2022 10:23

Children are just as entitled to chose their friends as adults. Maybe this actually the people he actually plays with at school... especially since in a lot schools year groups and key stages have been kept separate the last couple of years.

NdefH81 · 29/03/2022 10:24

@Smileyaxolotl1

Redrobyn2021

So would you also think it completely unacceptable if a girl decides she wanted a party for only girls. Or is it just boys who aren’t allowed to make decisions like that?

Of course!!!

My daughter has not had a mixed birthday party since she was 3

Same with my son.

toomuchlaundry · 29/03/2022 10:24

Once you get past the whole class parties and go to venues that have limited numbers you start to see more parties segregated by sex (not always but you definitely see more of them) DS was about 10 when he had his first boys only party

RedRobyn2021 · 29/03/2022 10:25

@Smileyaxolotl1

Redrobyn2021

So would you also think it completely unacceptable if a girl decides she wanted a party for only girls. Or is it just boys who aren’t allowed to make decisions like that?

A little girl wouldn't decide that LOL her parents or someone else would have put that in their head. It's just ridiculous. They're children.

What do you even mean by a girls party?

Like a tea party or something? Would I encourage my daughter not to invite a boy and call this a girls party? No of course I wouldn't. Last time I checked being a boy doesn't mean you don't like cake.

skgnome · 29/03/2022 10:25

At that age boys or girls only parties are very common
I know a lot of the school mums tried really hard to get their kids to include opposite sex classmates, but at that age kids tend to reject the idea
It’s not that her cousin doesn’t love your daughter - it’s just a boys party
Drop your son and take your daughter to a special activity, let her choose - your son will enjoy the party your girl will love the attention

toomuchlaundry · 29/03/2022 10:30

@RedRobyn2021 at what age would you let your child decide who they want to come to their party

stripeyflowers · 29/03/2022 10:31

It's more helpful to help children to understand that some people do have such preferences and feelings and will sometimes make choices that will upset them, rather than encouraging them to feel outraged and victimised (not suggesting you are doing this OP) over someone else's personal choice.

In the end it just results in people resorting to less obvious and more underhand ways to steer the situation the way they want it rather than stating openly and having to deal with complaints.

GetOutOfTheBathPlease · 29/03/2022 10:33

A little girl wouldn't decide that LOL her parents or someone else would have put that in their head. It's just ridiculous. They're children. What do you even mean by a girls party? Like a tea party or something? Would I encourage my daughter not to invite a boy and call this a girls party? No of course I wouldn't. Last time I checked being a boy doesn't mean you don't like cake.

Is this one of this "tell me you don't have a child of this age without telling me you don't have a child of this age" things? pmsl.

toomuchlaundry · 29/03/2022 10:33

Will you be required at the party for adult supervision?

Goldbar · 29/03/2022 10:34

@HabitsDieHard

Yanbu op at these ages it is totally unnecessary to have boys only, and I think it's awful not to include your daughter. Very very unfair
It's a very easy way to cut out half the class and reduce numbers without getting into friendship politics.

I can understand why parents do it if they don't want the bother and expense of a whole-class party.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 29/03/2022 10:34

Ah, your one of those parents who rock up to a class party and bring the uninvited sibling aren't you? Grin

Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 10:35

I love my sister dearly and we get on really well. I didn't want to hurt her by saying I thought my daughter should be invited too without gaining a bit of perspective which is why I jumped on mumsnet first Grin

OP posts:
Enough4me · 29/03/2022 10:35

I'm surprised this was even an issue for you. It's not your choice, it's your nephews.

You can choose on your birthday!

MichelleScarn · 29/03/2022 10:38

@RedRobyn2021

I'm going to disagree with a lot of the comments I scrolled past and say

Your sister is an idiot

A boys party?? What on Earth? Is she living in the 1950s?

I say, take your daughter somewhere really fun that she would LOVE whilst your son is at the party and explain to her why some people in our society are determined to assign gender roles, like her aunt.

Don't bother having a big argument but I would DEFINITELY explain to your sister why she is an idiot so she knows for clarity.

And don't forget to say 'and when it's your party l will completely override what you want to do/invite so I can prove my superiority to all the other parents and that I am the cool parent'. Hmm
Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 10:38

I totally understand this and I wouldn't in any way encourage entitlement or outrage. I would go out out of my way to ensure she understood that her cousin/friend only wanted boys. I just felt a bit annoyed on her behalf and was wondering if feelings were justified. No big drama, just wanted perspective. Didn't realise parties were so emotive haha. My sister and I have older boys the same age so there was no issues then

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 29/03/2022 10:39

There is a very real chance your nephew has a party limit and was asked to choose 9 friend and didn’t consider your daughter to be one of his top 9 friends. Her aunt had a choice to say it’s a boys party or your cousin doesn’t like you as much as you think he does. This is a lose lose situation so you really just need to leave it for her sake. Yes it’s ok for one girl to be a party for 10 boys - but the host and / or party boy have chosen for her not to be there and you need to respect their decision.

BlingLoving · 29/03/2022 10:39

Is this one of this "tell me you don't have a child of this age without telling me you don't have a child of this age" things? pmsl

Grin Grin Grin Grin

Original poster
Karenm25 · 29/03/2022 10:41

I suppose the issue was they all play together and they're all the same age and I felt for my daughter being excluded, but its not her choice and I'll just have to explain its boys only.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 29/03/2022 10:41

YABU if you don't get a grip your DD will see your annoyance over it and run the risk of being more upset than she might have otherwise.

NewName9273 · 29/03/2022 10:41

You are being ridiculous. Boys/Girls only parties are really common to limit numbers.

Your daughter needs to learn some resilience and you need to teach her that she cannot be invited to everything.

wonderwoman26 · 29/03/2022 10:41

I really don't see the issue, its an all boys party - whether that be dressing up as dinosaurs and running round or a trampoline park.

You said you wouldn't feel the same if it was a girls only party, so why feel like your daughter is being excluded?

Its also an excellent opportunity to teach her that she may not always be included in everythign throughout life, and thats fine. If you make a fuss, it will show to her that its something to be upset about.

Just say your taking her for a girlie day instead, get her nails painted and her hair done at a salon and she wont even remember theres a party. You are more bothered then she will be

HoppingPavlova · 29/03/2022 10:42

Don’t be ridiculous. Sometimes girlfriends and I have girls nights/day, go to a movie or out for dinner or at someone’s house and their DH goes out or hides out in another part of the house. Should all the DH’s invade our girls nights/days because we are all friends so they don’t believe they should be excluded? Sometimes DH’s get together with male friends and have a boys time. Should we gate crash in the basis that we also enjoy a drink etc. Of course not to both scenarios and this is no different.

Instead of being up in arms and carrying on, just explain to your DD it’s a boys only party so only boys going and what does she want to do with you that afternoon? I’m also betting at some point your DD may want a few girls only parties, then you’ll have egg on your face if you keep carrying on now.

stripeyflowers · 29/03/2022 10:42

@Karenm25

I totally understand this and I wouldn't in any way encourage entitlement or outrage. I would go out out of my way to ensure she understood that her cousin/friend only wanted boys. I just felt a bit annoyed on her behalf and was wondering if feelings were justified. No big drama, just wanted perspective. Didn't realise parties were so emotive haha. My sister and I have older boys the same age so there was no issues then
Yes, even thought there is no deliberate insult or intended malice etc.. I can definitely understand why you would still both feel upset.
JackieWeaver101 · 29/03/2022 10:42

Activity parties such as trampoline parties are usually limited in terms of numbers due to practicalities and costs. While I'm not a fan of boys-only parties (or girls-only, for that matter), I can see how it can be a convenient way to limit numbers.

Part of growing up is learning resilience and realising that you won't always be invited to everything. Judging by a few of the responses here, some children are being really set up for difficult lives.