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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lazy dd doing minimum work

114 replies

Member786495 · 28/03/2022 21:35

Dd16 is more than capable of 6/7s for her GCSEs but is doing not a jot of revision at home. Predictably she’s now looking at 4/5s.

Her lack of drive is killing me and I need some perspective.

Aibu to keep on at her, driving her mad and possibly stressing her out, just for the sake of some higher grades? Or should I persevere safe in the knowledge that it’ll all be over in 2 months and she’ll be grateful in August.

I’ve tried reasoning, bribing, bought every guide available and past papers and even worked out schedules with her which are ignored. She’s too tired, and ‘doesn’t want to’.

Shall I just give up and leave her to it?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2022 21:39

Leave her to it. Honestly. If she has to retake; it’s not the end of the world. And watching her friends go off to Uni might get the message home.

carefullycourageous · 28/03/2022 21:40

My view is you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I think you are doing too much and it is probably not helping and may even be making it worse.

You do not have to give up, but you can't control it. Just keep emphasising that she has it in her powere to make a differenec to her grades and be extremely encouraging about anything she does do. Emphasise that you have already done your exams so you know just how daunting it canbe and offer to help in any way she thinks would be useful.

theresapossuminthekitchen · 28/03/2022 21:40

I can only comment as a teacher - my kids are not this age yet - but I don't think you can make them do this kind of work if they don't want to at this stage. The only hope you have is to help her see the value in it and make it as easy as possible to do (which it sounds like you have done). I think that the harder you push, the more that teenagers push the other way.

Fireflygal · 28/03/2022 21:41

What does she want to do post 16?

Original poster
Member786495 · 28/03/2022 21:46

@Fireflygal she was going to stay on for As but hates school so is probably going to go to college and do them there.
She should get good enough grades, especially as the govt is looking at being generous with grade boundaries, so I probably am raising my blood pressure for nothing.

It’s just that even now in my 50s I have to put my grades on to CVs, and the idea of grades that don’t reflect her ability following her around makes me sad.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 28/03/2022 21:47

It’s just that even now in my 50s I have to put my grades on to CVs, and the idea of grades that don’t reflect her ability following her around makes me sad

  1. You are projecting
  2. They are not your grades
  3. You have lived, so will she

You have to let them live their own lives.

GinInATina · 28/03/2022 21:53

Same situation here OP.

I have done the following - paid for a tutor in a subject DC struggles with (has a recognised SEN but school are useless and SEN plan seems to be to give 25% extra time in exams and do nothing else). Engaged a student mentor who works on prioritising and revision plans (as DC didn't want to hear it from me)!

I'm not actually sure DC will achieve the grades required to get into the sixth form of choice. Wants to go to Uni, reckons sixth form let people in if they slip a grade 😬.

Entitled and lazy beyond measure, but I can't do any more.

I work really hard to provide our life and find it bloody galling, but at 16 they need to sort themselves out.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 28/03/2022 21:54

I don't think that older children can easily be made to work harder if they don't care and have no career aspirations.

I've found students that are most hard-working are those that have well researched future plans and know what they need to do to get there.

Goawayangryman · 28/03/2022 21:56

Well...it might make sense to tell her what is likely to happen if she actually fails GCSEs. There is this notion you can retake them which is actually not true, except for English and maths if you get below a 4. She will be stuck with them unless she wants to pay to retake. I'd let her fail to be honest. Maybe try a bit of reverse psychology now, along lines of "oh ok, you're right, it's you choice. You make the decisions. Be a shame if you did badly but meh"...

GinInATina · 28/03/2022 21:56

Not the case here Disco, unis and particular courses researched with lots of enthusiasm but simply fails to get on with what is required.

altiara · 28/03/2022 21:57

She just needs good enough grades to get to the next stage. She may not need to put her grades on her CV depending on how much education she does.

namechange30455 · 28/03/2022 21:58

[quote Member786495]@Fireflygal she was going to stay on for As but hates school so is probably going to go to college and do them there.
She should get good enough grades, especially as the govt is looking at being generous with grade boundaries, so I probably am raising my blood pressure for nothing.

It’s just that even now in my 50s I have to put my grades on to CVs, and the idea of grades that don’t reflect her ability following her around makes me sad.[/quote]
Just to offer a counter view, I haven't put my GCSEs on my CV since I was in my late 20s. I slogged and slogged for mine and now I wish I hadn't bothered because no-one gives a fuck whether I got an A* or a C.

Original poster
Member786495 · 28/03/2022 22:02

@GinInATina yes we had a tutor but she just stopped going...

Has no real idea of what she wants to do post 18, which makes it more difficult. Has been exposed to a whole manner of opportunities and experiences, and is funny, engaging and can be charming.
Just lazy too.

It seems the consensus is to leave her be.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 28/03/2022 22:03

Is she going to get grades for A levels? Those wouldn’t get her in DD’s 6th form. If she’s 4/5 level them maybe she needs a plan B. If she really wants A levels it might encourage her.
Has she just had second mocks? Mine has lost will a bit after all exams so is having a bit of a break before final push.

bellac11 · 28/03/2022 22:04

GCSEs are meaningless other than to get to the next stage, if its good enough then job done

I cant even remember my GCSEs (we were the first pilot year) and I havent put them on anything since my application for my first degree, jobs or second degree they didnt even feature

Original poster
Member786495 · 28/03/2022 22:04

@Goawayangryman tried that, she thinks she’ll ‘be ok’

OP posts:
GinInATina · 28/03/2022 22:05

I feel your pain OP. 😬

Original poster
Member786495 · 28/03/2022 22:06

@bellac11 I have two degrees and still have to list on some applications

OP posts:
bellac11 · 28/03/2022 22:09

The form might have a space for them, you may even list them but believe me no one is paying any attention to them. I have 2 degrees and a professional qualification, no one cares that I (only) got a C in history, what possible relevance is it

I never even had certs for mine so Ive never been able to prove what I had in any job. Lost the little slip that came through the post decades ago.

DinosaursEatMan · 28/03/2022 22:10

I have one of these too, I’m trying not to nag but it’s painful.

twoshedsjackson · 28/03/2022 22:11

I still remember, many years later, the girl who was not allowed to move on to A-levels, and the VIth form, but had to repeat the year to get good enough O-levels, as she came into my form. She was pleasant and we didn't tease her about it, but she had definitely been through a "too cool for school" phase.
It was quite a concession on the school's part; the school leaving age in those days was 15, so an office job that didn't need qualifications was a possibility.
It was a rude awakening for some of us to realise that automatic progression was not a given; maybe a canny move on the school's part......

carefullycourageous · 28/03/2022 22:11

[quote Member786495]@bellac11 I have two degrees and still have to list on some applications[/quote]
Why do you care about this is you have two degrees Confused

bellac11 · 28/03/2022 22:13

Well, a B grade woodwork may give her the edge over another candidate

missminimum · 28/03/2022 22:15

Sometimes it can feel overwhelming at this stage, she may be feeling disheartened. Step back, she has to do this, you can't make her do it, the more pressure you put on, the more overwhelmed she could feel.
Tell her it is all in her control, you know she can do well, if she puts the effort in. Ask her how she wants to feel on results day, happy that whatever the result proud that she tried her best, or frustrated that her grades could have been better if she had put in the work.
Explain you are around to help if she needs anything, encourage some fun activities so it is not all studying. She just needs to get what she needs to get to the next step

k1233 · 28/03/2022 22:16

I think just state the obvious to her. The only person responsible for her grades is her. You're going to stop going on about it. She will need to live with whatever result she gets and deal with the consequences if her grades are insufficient for her to do what she wants to do. She's nearly an adult and needs to start thinking about consequences. If you choose not to work for something, then the outcome is on you.