Lazy dd doing minimum work

[Member786495]

Dd16 is more than capable of 6/7s for her GCSEs but is doing not a jot of revision at home. Predictably she’s now looking at 4/5s.

Her lack of drive is killing me and I need some perspective.

Aibu to keep on at her, driving her mad and possibly stressing her out, just for the sake of some higher grades? Or should I persevere safe in the knowledge that it’ll all be over in 2 months and she’ll be grateful in August.

I’ve tried reasoning, bribing, bought every guide available and past papers and even worked out schedules with her which are ignored. She’s too tired, and ‘doesn’t want to’.

Shall I just give up and leave her to it?

I agree about appeals to the future and self interest being pointless.

I've had the same problem with DD. I've had the 'but university' and 'but career' lecture with her. I've tried incentives, rewards etc. It's pointless because she has no long-term perspective. She generally isn't even thinking about next week.

For her first round of exams we lectured, nagged and generally micromanaged her through to bare passes. After that we said no more and left her to it, and she passed again. Hardly with flying colours, but she passed.

The problem I have now is that she has one more year of school after this one and still hasn't the least idea what to do next. It's true that she could be a late developer but these days you really need a plan sooner than before.

My fear is that she will drift onto whatever university course that will take her and have another few years of not doing very much and end up with no job and a big debt.

In her case it's lack of self-esteem causing this but at this age it's very hard to fix. She's also a bit young for her age.

Have you asked her what’s stopping her from doing the work? I know so many teenagers who are suffering from low mood at the moment and can’t imagine the world ever being any better. They’re very discouraged and they can’t concentrate - and they spend hours on their phones as a distraction. I really feel for them. Maybe that’s part of what’s going on with your DD?

GCSEs are meaningless other than to get to the next stage, if its good enough then job done

I have a similar situation op. But, DC is at a good school in which they would like to stay...and in which I would like them to stay, so it is important.

Really difficult to watch. DC managed to get required grades in mocks but not comfortably. We have a tutor for a particular subject he finds difficult. Concentration is a problem (awaiting assessment for an official diagnosis) and yes, the phone is a definite distraction. If he can progress to chosen A levels, I think he will be okay because these are the subjects he prefers and has an interest in and generally does well in.

Watching this thread with interest.

I think you should keep on at her tbh.. I think it’s very likely she doesn’t realise the gravity of this in her life long term. Have you explained to her how the job market works and how pay differs based on your job & prospects… I’d push hard when the time comes for DS as I think it’s very important. It’s hard work for a very brief period. I would even go as far as to get people or friends in various profession to explain how they got there. I think most teens lack any ability to see long term. good luck xx

I've given up for now with my dd, they'll be doing lots of revision sessions at school and then I might have another go at getting her to do some nearer the time. It is ultimately down to them. The only thing I would say, if there is any chance of her not getting a 4 or 5 in English or maths, would she consider having a tutor (I'm guessing probably not). It's just that, if you can help it, you really don't want to be doing resits at college - it is very demoralising and often rubbish/minimal teaching.

It's much easier for teens to escape onto their phones and forget all about it. Much like the previous generation did with television but phones are probably worse and you couldn't watch television in school.

Yes the phone is all about distraction, she procrastinates and the phone helps.
Also tbh TikTok is more entertaining than anything school has to offer.

Those of you kindly suggesting talk about jobs/ the future/august 25 /how you get money in life etc etc, she’s not stupid and knows that it’s all an attempt to get her to sit down and revise something. She’s doing the equivalent of sticking her fingers in her ears and going ‘lalala’.

I read a really good article yesterday about progressive education and it’s so sad we’re even in this position. It’s just about some (unfortunately important) bloody certificates, not any love of learning.
She doesn’t have any anxiety atm and I want to keep it that way.

Like a pp I’m going to try the following:

• try really hard not to mention work, even when it’s the 4th hour of her prone, scrolling on the sofa
• reward enthusiastically if she does anything
• have a nice Easter break when we can legitimately do and talk about stuff non-gcse related
• finally, hope the bloody school can do it’s job after the holidays and get her back into some learning.

It’s their fault I’m in this situation because it’s the only secondary around not running ANY revision classes.

• and finally, have a plan B for august.

You say she hates school so encourage the hate. Right you are predict 4/5 and deserve 6:7 so I’ve going to help you to stick it to them and get the grades you deserve. Tired is diet and phone probably and staying up late. Make your own revision club. You can buy or make flash cards do past papers endlessly - all online. Tell her you get 5 level 6 and I will reward you with this x. Etc sounds like she’s depressed and by not trying she doesn’t have to fail. Offer her a way out. To succeed and rewards.

Oops, two finallys

I’d offer support and encouragement and make it clear those higher grades will be a bit of a passport into courses/opportunities she might want to do in the future but I wouldn’t bust a gut over trying to get her higher grades. Especially since 4-5 will do as a minimum for most jobs. She’ll find her mojo when the time is right for her, perhaps once she’s spent a bit of time in a really tedious minimum wage job.

I might go against the grain here but I do wish my Mum had pushed me a bit harder during exams.

She was very - 'it's down to her/can't take a horse to water/she has to want it herself'.

I did fine, went to a good uni and got a good job but I could have done better with my grades, had she just pushed a little, given me a nudge/support in certain areas.

Don't get me wrong, I did study. I wanted good grades. But I would cram last minute, rather than prepare well 6 weeks in advance.

So I think there's a balance between being a helicopter parent hovering over them and nagging constantly and causing rows, vs being so laissez-faire that you're giving a 15yr old free reign to decide whether they want to watch t.v vs study 6-8 weeks outside of exams.

I think if you push too much kids can go the other way and actively rebel against it (I've definitely seen this) but being too hands off puts an awful lot of pressure on a kid to be entirely a self-starter.

I think if my Mum had:

• asked to see my study plan, stuck it up on the fridge and held me accountable to it that would have helped immensely and then....
• given me the space/incentive - e.g Saturday from 10-12 Jane is studying Maths and Biology - therefore no chores on a Saturday (but if she's messing about watching television on her phone between 10-12 then she can clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen floor etc - would have definitely given me incentive to study instead! Haha). I think if there had been some rules I.e. you either study or mow the lawn and no 'I will study later' - if it had been no we agreed this time so if you're not going to study get outside and clean the black bin out I would have been running to my desk!

And also:

• not had a desk in my bedroom - I never studied in my room - when I was getting serious and thinking oh crap I need to study I would always spread myself out in the dining room - that should have given my Mum a clue that when I said I was revising in my bedroom what I was actually doing was messing about with make-up, calling friends and watching t.v, haha. When I came down and said I'm going in the dining room - that's when I was really really studying and I had the exam fear!

So just from my own experience that would have helped me and maybe I could have turned some of those B grades into A grades.

Well I was that lazy teen (now a lazy adult). I didn't do enough work at school. My teacher even said to me as he handed over my results, "Think what you could've got if you'd have worked".

I'm now earning well, in a job I really enjoy.

I have also accepted that I am just a lazy person - it genuinely doesn't bother me any more to be called that. Lazy people don't start wars! Flippant, I know, but there's something in that. Embrace her inner sloth!

"finally, hope the bloody school can do it’s job after the holidays and get her back into some learning.
It’s their fault I’m in this situation because it’s the only secondary around not running ANY revision classes."

I had 30 pupils signed up for my revision session this week. 1 turned up in the morning, 4 more in the afternoon. 2 of them just sat on their phones the whole time. The other 3 are already getting top grades and didn't really need extra revision.

If your school were running revision sessions, how do you know that (a) single days of revision would turn around months of low effort, (b) your daughter would attend or (c) she would put in any effort whatsoever while there?

I understand its frustrating but Easter schools are not particularly effective for the vast majority of pupils and a poor use of school's money IMHO.

All you can do is talk to her about what she wants to do after she leaves school, explain what she needs to get there, and then make sure she has a quiet place to study and time to do so (i.e. no interruptions/getting told you have to go out together etc, which was my mum's favourite trick - I'd settle down and it was like oh yeah we're going to see x, y or z family tonight).

The rest is up to her.

But make it very, very clear to her that you've done everything you can for her, and that if she doesn't do as well as she wants/needs to, it's NOTHING to do with your lack of support - it's her lack of effort.