Lazy dd doing minimum work

[Member786495]

Dd16 is more than capable of 6/7s for her GCSEs but is doing not a jot of revision at home. Predictably she’s now looking at 4/5s.

Her lack of drive is killing me and I need some perspective.

Aibu to keep on at her, driving her mad and possibly stressing her out, just for the sake of some higher grades? Or should I persevere safe in the knowledge that it’ll all be over in 2 months and she’ll be grateful in August.

I’ve tried reasoning, bribing, bought every guide available and past papers and even worked out schedules with her which are ignored. She’s too tired, and ‘doesn’t want to’.

Shall I just give up and leave her to it?

Teenagers seem to naturally polarise with their parents. My DS surprised us all by knuckling down when we stopped pushing.
You never know. And if not there are other paths. I have not filled out a job application in 30 years. I work for myself and it’s very fulfilling. I have a degree, but I don’t really use it…

Sorry, I’ve only skimmed the thread so this may have already been said, but is she being lazy or could there be something else behind it like fear of failure and being overwhelmed by the workload and not knowing where to start?

This article gives a really interesting perspective on ‘laziness’

Good luck!

My eldest son was very like this - he still is to some extent. Whatever we did, cajoled, persuaded, threatened etc etc he still would not work at school. When asked now whether he would behave differently at 15/16 if he knew then what he knew now says 'yes he would work harder' but I'm not so sure. He still doesn't work for anything - he could be brilliant at so many things but can't see the point/doesn't want to put the effort into trying. So he stays middle of the road. there's nothing wrong with that - he's 26 but as a parent its SO frustrating when you know that with a little bit of effort he could get so much more out of life.

I think it is really hard when they are bright and capable but lazy 😬. Hard to see their ambition and enthusiasm for the future combined with a lack of effort on a daily basis!

I left school at 16 (bullied and my school was dreadful by the end, in a northern town at the end of the miners strike in the 80s).

I couldn't wait to get away. I got a job locally on the Youth Training Scheme, then a job in the same sector in London (there were loads of jobs back then).

I did professional quals and progressed, then two Masters degrees, all paid for by my employers (without an undergraduate degree or A levels) and have done OK for myself I guess.

I'm not sure those opportunities exist or are easily found in today's world, especially not with a poor work ethic.

My 16 year old seems to think that a job in a McDonalds she can walk to in the school holidays is beneath her, I worked in a supermarket at the weekend from the age of 14.

I'll be cutting off pocket money in the school holidays if she doesn't get a job.

It's like apathy united here where work of any sort is concerned, meanwhile she sees me working really hard every day - pisses me off no end.

[quote Member786495]@Fireflygal she was going to stay on for As but hates school so is probably going to go to college and do them there.
She should get good enough grades, especially as the govt is looking at being generous with grade boundaries, so I probably am raising my blood pressure for nothing.

It’s just that even now in my 50s I have to put my grades on to CVs, and the idea of grades that don’t reflect her ability following her around makes me sad.[/quote]
You don't need to put grades on a CV, mine has said X number of O Levels including English and maths grades A-C.

If I had to list the grades of my qualifications my CV would be more of an essay, I put the things that are relevant, that's what employers want.

Leave her to it, it's her life.

My DH always describes the opportunities, encouragement & experiences that we offer our DC as open doors, the doors are there to pick from but it’s up to them the which they choose to go through.

For example we paid for a 11+ tutor for all 3 of our daughters so that they could have the option of Grammar, DD1 turned us down, knew she wanted to go to the local comprehensive school where all her friends were going and has thrived there on the more “academic stream” ever since. DD2 was disciplined, worked hard, built an excellent relationship with tutor and sailed through giving her the pick of 3 top schools, DD3 (though was young on her year and did have Covid interfering with her education and online tutoring rather than face to face) said she wanted to do it, moaned every step of the way, picked her speed up for the last few months before the exam but unfortunately it wasn’t enough and she is also (happily may I add) going to the local high school with her bigger sister where I know she will be very happy. 3 DD’s, the same big open door and only one choose to step through.

You have offered you DD a very wide door (good advice, supplying past papers & support, incentives the rest now is up to her.

I’d like to think our DC’s future happiness, success and fulfilment come more from the open doors and therefore excellent parenting they will have had throughout their childhood and young adult life rather than they few open doors they chose not to cross but we are not there yet so time will tell.

sashh, public sector here and I not only had to state my GCSE grades, I had to provide the certificates.

[quote Member786495]@Fireflygal she was going to stay on for As but hates school so is probably going to go to college and do them there.
She should get good enough grades, especially as the govt is looking at being generous with grade boundaries, so I probably am raising my blood pressure for nothing.

It’s just that even now in my 50s I have to put my grades on to CVs, and the idea of grades that don’t reflect her ability following her around makes me sad.[/quote]
You put your O-level'/GCSE grades on your CV in your 50s? Why?

Not studying, now, is as likely to be fear as it is laziness. ‘If you don’t try then if you fail it doesn’t mean you’re stupid.’ ‘If you don’t look at the work then you don’t have to deal with how useless and stupid you are’. Helpful thoughts like that are pretty common among teenagers.

I had this with ds and the pandemic did not help. He is now 17 and is much happier at college where he is treated as an adult.

That said ds has never enjoyed studying so plans to get shop work. I have a degree and went to grammar school so it is disheartening but they have to learn the world their own way and at least he appears to have a strong work ethic.

We can't change their nature. Only so much we can do. Try not to worry.

I've told my teenagers the better they do at school the more choices they have.

If they don't do well the choices will be made for them - it's up to them at the end of the day.

Drives me insane but I'm trying to take a step back.

I am now at an age where most of my contemporary’s children are in the age range 19 to 25. So they have all been where you are.

The pushiest Mum I have ever met was a colleague at work, her DS absolutely went off the rails with the pressure. She micro managed every move. I may be lambasted for doing this but I offered money for results. I said up to you it’s your life but hard work deserves to be rewarded. The better your results the better your life chances, it’s not a guarantee of success but it’s one thing you have some control over.

I didn’t have pushy parents but my friends did and I remember thinking “thank god my parents aren’t like that”. My friends were miserable, worried about getting a C instead of a B for fear of what their parents would say.

I’m sure I was labelled as lazy, but the truth is I just didn’t really care about my results or school and no amount of pushing would have changed that. I did fine in the end and my GCSE’s are never discussed in a work environment.

She’ll find her way OP, I’m sure she’ll do great and you seem lovely and genuinely concerned, rather than pressurising

Probably not the best idea morally, but my dad successfully bribed all four of us with cash as teenagers. It started with me as the eldest hating maths with a passion, and trying to ignore it. I’m so glad he did what he did now as, despite my repeated assurances that I’d never need maths, I certainly did need that B to get onto my postgrad qualification!

Cost him a fortune, mind.

The only thing I will say is you or both of you might want to check the actual grades achieved at A level by the college for the subjects she will possibly be studying. ie if you come in with a grade 4 at GCSE for say History what A level grade do they expect them to achieve? What about the child who was a 7 at GCSE?

It is all well and good saying just get onto the next stage but A levels are harder than GCSEs obviously. If they are getting 4/5s what sort of grades would the sixth form expect that child to get?

If her problem is recreational laziness, eg hanging out with mates, rehearsing in a band, sport etc, anything that's genuinely meaningful to her, albeit short-term... then bribery... give her a bigger reward than she'd get from doing her activities.

If her problem is psychological laziness, ie task avoidance, you need to look into the deep roots of procrastination from a psychological/neurological perspective and find strategies for dealing with that. Perfectionism can play a big role... if you can never do things perfectly enough for your ideals, you might see that it's not worth doing that at all to avoid the deep sense of shame of being "imperfect". Obviously that thought pattern needs recalibrating. You might be able to get through to her by framing a question such as "What am I saying yes and no to, by choosing to, or not to revise?". Or have a look at this article for ideas

adhdboss.com/adhd-task-avoidance/

What consequences/outcomes have meaning for her? She clearly isn't bothered about the risk of having to put low grades on her CV when she's 40, so what other angle can you find that means more to her?

Like @teenpluscat I would also be worrying about what will change in Sept to get her re-engaged in her studies. College isn't magically going to re-engage her in a subject she'd checked out of at school. Is it worth looking up some vocational routes that might be needed if she doesn't get the grades, and more importantly might catch her interest more?

Also are you really sure that she has all the study skills she needs? This cohort's confidence is very low, and they might need a bit more handholding in revision techniques, planning etc than previous years. Procrastinate or checking out can easily be hiding a crisis of confidence or unsureness of what to do, especially at this age.

Talk her through what a life on minimum wage is like. A long life.

That did it for my mate the surgeon.

If she only gets 4s and 5s it may be that her grades aren't enough to study A levels, especially in the subjects she wants to take. Could you take her to look at some other departments in college - hair and beauty, IT, art and design etc? And tell her she needs a back up option just in case.
I don't know what you can do to get her to study, my dd is the same, but I wouldn't give up on her. Could you get her to work through some past papers in the subjects she finds trickiest? Maybe use some bribery as a reward for doing a bit of work.

No amount of cajoling, chivvying, shouting, punishments, reality chats about exam grades leading to great opportunities and outcomes vs dead end jobs made a jot of difference with me. My parents tried to be strict, but I simply always refused to do any homework/revision, so they cajoled and shouted at me more, making it a million times worse. I didn't refuse to do my work because I was a bad kid, or having too much fun elsewhere. I did it because I had chronically low self esteem, from being bullied by my peers, some awful teachers, and my parents' over strict/punitive parenting style destroying what was left of it. I can never get started on things, so underperformed on university coursework, hobby evening courses, had crappy low paid/temping jobs, housework, sorting the garden, you name it. Had years of therapy of no use, to get to the bottom of my shame/procrastination complex. It's far more than simple "laziness".

@DogandMog I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you have found some peace. How do you think your parents could have best helped you? (Asking for a friend...)

I find my 16 year old has best chats with me in car, side by side is less confrontational.
I’m surprised she’d be accepted for A levels at 4/5. Even if she can scrape on course will she cope with them. Or are you setting yourself up for 2 more years of stress. Would an apprenticeship or vocational be better fit?
I know you’ve helped with revision but my DD’s issue was they haven’t covered syllabus so it’s teaching self rather than revising. So if you are going on about revision and she’s thinking I can’t revise I haven’t got anything to revise. She’s 16 and might be burying head in sand rather than saying what issue is.
What are her friends like? Mine wants to go to sixth form with her friends so that helps.

@DogandMog

No amount of cajoling, chivvying, shouting, punishments, reality chats about exam grades leading to great opportunities and outcomes vs dead end jobs made a jot of difference with me. My parents tried to be strict, but I simply always refused to do any homework/revision, so they cajoled and shouted at me more, making it a million times worse. I didn't refuse to do my work because I was a bad kid, or having too much fun elsewhere. I did it because I had chronically low self esteem, from being bullied by my peers, some awful teachers, and my parents' over strict/punitive parenting style destroying what was left of it. I can never get started on things, so underperformed on university coursework, hobby evening courses, had crappy low paid/temping jobs, housework, sorting the garden, you name it. Had years of therapy of no use, to get to the bottom of my shame/procrastination complex. It's far more than simple "laziness".

At the risk of being an MN armchair diagnoser you sound like you have ADHD...

*ADD

VagueSemblance, I think, from reading MN over the years, I'm fairly sure I have inattentive ADHD, but that wasn't known about back then. So, from the context of the time I grew up in, I wish they had listened more, and been more attentive to how I was rather than how they wanted me to be, and to see things from a wellbeing pov, rather than a moral/disciplinarian perspective. They were authoritarian and I wish they'd had an authoritative parenting style instead, based on imparting wisdom, and letting me come to my own decisions and choices of actions with their guidance. I wish I'd been offered help and changed situations/schools, but their attitude was "what has she got to be depressed about, we're a stable, comfortably-off family?".