Lazy dd doing minimum work

[Member786495]

Dd16 is more than capable of 6/7s for her GCSEs but is doing not a jot of revision at home. Predictably she’s now looking at 4/5s.

Her lack of drive is killing me and I need some perspective.

Aibu to keep on at her, driving her mad and possibly stressing her out, just for the sake of some higher grades? Or should I persevere safe in the knowledge that it’ll all be over in 2 months and she’ll be grateful in August.

I’ve tried reasoning, bribing, bought every guide available and past papers and even worked out schedules with her which are ignored. She’s too tired, and ‘doesn’t want to’.

Shall I just give up and leave her to it?

My dd is just the same, she was predicted to get much higher grades than she is currently predicted to get. I have spent 4 years trying everything I can think of to get her to put more effort in and work harder to no avail.

I have now moved on to encouraging her to keep studying so that she will at least pass enough to get to college. Who knows what effect all the lockdowns have had on them…

😆 I agree it’s ridiculous having to list qualifications once they’ve been superseded, but that C in history can grate years later if you know you could have done better.. and imagine if C turns out to be her best grade. But yes, that’s for her to work out.

You’ve provided everything needed you just have to leave them to it. It’s really hard but only they can do it

She does need a bit of a reality check - 4's and 5's may well mean A levels are off the cards - has she applied to college and 6th form? She should have by now - what are her offers?

School should support you on this - like the head of 6th should be telling her no - has she had any half decent careers advice (from someone qualified?) - she needs to have a plan for 16 and 18 - that might give her the push.

I agree you can't make her do it - she has to want to - but if she has no idea about her future plans she's probably feeling a bit hopeless

try not to project - but do be realistic with her - have a look at college - and the grades she needs with her - support her to realise the GCSE's matter

@Member786495

Dd16 is more than capable of 6/7s for her GCSEs but is doing not a jot of revision at home. Predictably she’s now looking at 4/5s.

Her lack of drive is killing me and I need some perspective.

Aibu to keep on at her, driving her mad and possibly stressing her out, just for the sake of some higher grades? Or should I persevere safe in the knowledge that it’ll all be over in 2 months and she’ll be grateful in August.

I’ve tried reasoning, bribing, bought every guide available and past papers and even worked out schedules with her which are ignored. She’s too tired, and ‘doesn’t want to’.

Shall I just give up and leave her to it?

She can still get to university via the access course that some university offer, basically unless she discovers her passion for learning herself then basically yea, it's up to your dd.

I would still prompt her to study and a parent lecture every now and then as a reminder. I did the ‘imagine how you’ll feel on result day when you open that envelope in front of your friends? What grades do you want to see on that paper?’ talk quite a few times!
It’s hard to force someone to study.

I tanked on all my grades, gcse, and levels, think me, exam and zzzzzzz then I had the passions for learning and knowledge and wanting to better myself, and by some miracle, I hold a joint honours degree, one of my proudest moments when I achieved it.

Children mature at different rates, and an adult threatening them with some faraway consequence may not register. You can even go to uni with C's and D's nowadays. I wouldn't worry, she just needs to get onto A-Levels.
High achievers are either naturally passionate, or have the importance of education drilled into them early. Bit too late if you focus on this 'now'...

Also... lots of online dgrees, courses etc. She can even do professional qualifications if she wants.
All isn't lost really. Although things are stacked up for the younger generation. If you have money there's no need to worry

even now in my 50s I have to put my grades on to CVs

• you really don't - I dropped mine off years ago.

I agree with others - let her learn the hard way, even if it means retakes.

About ten years ago, I had three close friends with sons all doing A Levels the same year. One friend very laissez faire, two dead pushy in different ways. The "laissez faire" son didn't do well at uni, but now in their mid 20's he is a charming well adjusted adult, with the most successful career of the three.

I was predicted straight A’s in pretty much every single subject. I got A’s in precisely zero subjects. I did alright considering I did zero work/revision/coursework (until the last 3 weeks of school when several teachers had a mad panic and strong armed me through my coursework) in 2 years and had 60% attendance in my final year, partially due to being in and out of hospital, partially due to me playing on being unwell and skipping school when I didn’t feel like going.

I promise you now my parents tried everything with me too. Nothing worked cos frankly, I didn’t give two shits about my GCSE’s. I know full well I haven’t reached my full potential and honestly I probably never will. My drive and will to do anything educational is basically non-existent now.

Saying this, I don’t have an amazing job but I don’t have a bad one either. Plenty of people go on to redo their qualifications as adults when they have a clearer idea of what they want to do. You can say til you’re blue in the face how important it all is, but if she’s anything like 15yo me, she simply won’t care. Encourage and support, but you won’t be able to strong arm her into suddenly wanting to do amazingly well. She needs to want it for herself.

Thanks all, some good points and much repetition of the general theme to stop the nagging.

She’s the last in the line of my dc and is probably sick to the back teeth of it all. Also yes Covid has affected her significantly as she was allowed to effectively do nothing for several months by the school. She’s not academically driven, it’s just I know she can do more. I’ll lay off her and hope she finds her way.

@Hawkins001 that’s a great achievement and one truly earned.

Surprised she hasn’t got her college place organised. Could she be worried you’ll pressure her stay at school if she gets better grades.
I’d also warn her against thinking they’ll have to go easy on us. My dd is saying teachers are saying opposite as grades were high last year. Their covid concession is reduced syllabus. Obviously no one knows but it could bite her on bum if she thinks they’ll be more lenient and they aren’t.

@ThinWomansBrain

even now in my 50s I have to put my grades on to CVs - you really don't - I dropped mine off years ago.

I agree with others - let her learn the hard way, even if it means retakes.

About ten years ago, I had three close friends with sons all doing A Levels the same year. One friend very laissez faire, two dead pushy in different ways. The "laissez faire" son didn't do well at uni, but now in their mid 20's he is a charming well adjusted adult, with the most successful career of the three.

Unrelated, but... unless you're aiming for an extremely competitive, 'prestigious' career, or academia, you don't need to 'do well in uni'. You just need a degree. Nowadays it's a 2:1 at least but unis inflate grades so that most people get that unless they left every paper blank.

A lot of people come into their own when they realise just how expensive life is, and many of the street smart flourish. Conversely I've met plenty of 'good' degree holders aren't very useful in the workplace.

Again your fate is determined by parental wealth. Plenty of people 'make it' later but stayed at home until they figured it out. Or had parents help with a deposit, so earning too little to save not really an issue.

Sorry OP unrelated but this is just my observation.

I would echo what @Hawkins001 said as well - I left school with a B in History, C in English Language and grade 1 CSE in Geography and now have a masters - but the reality is it's harder that way - do try and get her to identify some career areas of interest - I like the Buzz Quiz on icould.com/ as a starting point - also Start careers.startprofile.com/page/home-page is a good source of information and ideas and you can log in as a guest to use it.

Let her fail, the failure will be much more educational than anything she's (not) trying to get a qualification in.

I guess just make sure her contraception is spot on - there was another thread recently where it was
Young Pregnant DD: "I have wildly unrealistic ideas about being able to raise a child on my own while getting a first at Uni"
Mother with sinking feeling of dread in gut: Shit shit shit, I am going to end up raising my grandchild instead of enjoying empty-nest freedom

Obvs you don't want that!

Don't step back. My son was like your daughter but he was masking that he just wasn't coping and was like a rabbit in headlights . I stepped in to help him get organised with the school's help, and it was a tough few months doing revision together but we got through it and he did much better than he would have.
I work in a school and the cause for concern kids are regularly spoken to, as are their parents. At the moment there's a real momentum amongst the exam year groups as they step up their efforts and actually very few aren't buying into it, even the "lazy" ones.
I'd make an appointment with the SLT member in charge of progress at the school who will be able to help you and maybe they can meet separately with your daughter to find out what's really going on in her mind.

My mum constantly pushed me, all through school.
She pushed me to study, she pushed me to excel and she pushed me to do better than the day before, day in and day out.
The more she pushed, the less motivated I became. The more she nagged and ragged and kept on me, the less I wanted to do.
I did do well in school, but only because my mum demanded it — and half of what I learned I promptly forgot. I didn’t care any more.
I hated school, including university, thanks to my mum. I’m in my sixties now and I still hate school.
Could this be why your daughter is not trying? Do you think you might have placed too big an emphasis on school and schoolwork and grades, etc?
My mum certainly didn’t mean to ruin my love for learning — she kept after me because she knew, or rather she thought, I could always do a little better. But there’s a limit to how far you should push someone, and Mum pushed me far past the point of caring. It was a constant between the ages of 5 and 21. And I mean constant during school terms.
I never told her this sad fact. Ironically, I didn’t want to hurt her. What she saw as love, I saw as punishment.

Don’t panic. She may do better than you anticipate. If she doesn’t then you find an alternative way for her to do what she wants to do. I left school with zero qualifications above GCSE level. I no have a degree and a well paying, interesting job because I went to uni later after going to college and working full time. There is always another way. Some children struggle with the focus required to study. All the pressure from parents and teachers and school staff can end up being too much and they just shut down. Personally I hated the academic side of school so I struggled to engage with anything that wasn’t creative or sport orientated. Teachers would get frustrated because they knew I had the capability, I just couldn’t focus enough to study independently and I panicked before exams because I knew I wasn’t prepared enough. Once I started work and realised I couldn’t progress and earn more money without the qualifications my outlook changed and I found my own way of engaging with ‘academics’. I enjoyed study groups and would go to the library where the environment was geared towards it rather than being stuck alone in my room. She will be ok. But please whatever you do, don’t compare her to your other DC. That would be an added pressure she doesn’t need.

OP what does her college offer ask for in grades?

A levels aren’t the only way of getting to uni. I have ADHD (didn’t know that 30 years ago) and struggled with studying. I went to college for 2 years and then got accepted to third year in the Uni course. I had a friend who crowed about how she was in University and I was just in college. Well I graduated the same year with a first, she got a 2:1…..

I'm also the owner of one of these lazy 2006 models. It would rather play on the PS5 than do any blinking work. I think August will be hard.

I worked my ass off.

@LegMeChicken my parents have siesta been stove broke do my future was not determined by their wealth. Rather, the lack of money growing up made me strive for better. We bought a house without parental contributions and my husband never did anything past secondary school. We saved like hell.

[quote BashfulClam]@LegMeChicken my parents have siesta been stove broke do my future was not determined by their wealth. Rather, the lack of money growing up made me strive for better. We bought a house without parental contributions and my husband never did anything past secondary school. We saved like hell.[/quote]
That's the point I'm trying to make- If you need to work hard you will.

However without family money, or living at home it's very difficult to buy a property if you don't get a decently paid job by 25. Rents are extortionate. Prices rise faster than you can save, and banks won't lend much if you're on a low income anyway. Some people live in cheap areas, but this is happening in the majority of the country. Even in 'the North', that supposed haven of cheap housing which it isn't actually.

People always say move to a cheap area, blah2 but you can't just do that if you have a job. In any case social mobility is harder.

Even if she won't I suggest you research Plan Bs, so that if on results day she doesn't have enough for A levels (has she applied to college for them?) you have an idea what options there are.

To be honest even if somewhere lets her in to do A levels, I'd wonder what will change - will she actually work for them, or would she be better off doing a BTEC with regular coursework?